nonmerci

Yeah totally agree. I may be wrong but I feel like a lot of people in the aro subreddit are still young or still figuring things out and discovering the community. So they are not aware yet of what is problematic to say or not. I think it is less the case here where people discuss for a longer time about the different experiences that exist, so they are more open to diversity. At least it is just a guess. We also have good moderators here and we all thanks them for their work. So I think casual ableism would be soon moderated. Oh yeah. Which is even more annoying cause from what I see, it seems to have more ND people in the a-spec communities than in the allo ones. So even if all ND people are not a-spec, denying the intersectionality is just weird. Some people just want to have the perfect aro and will throw under the bus all the aros that don't fit or that deny their ideal. I suppose our community is not unique in that, you find people like that everywhere. But it is a problem that needs to be more addressed.

@Lovebirdyeah true. I find the ableism big in this community. In the same idea, there is the "we are aro not psycho" discourse that is also ableist considering that psychopath is an outdated term for a type anti-personality disorder, and these people didn't ask to be evilized for no reason. I also see someone say that "loveless aro" should not be a label cause for them being loveless is a neurodivergent thing and should not be associated with the aro community. So many problems in that I don't know where to begin. In general I think the aro community discussed a lot how being aro impact your life in an amatonormative society, but we not discuss much about how we fit in the a-spec community at large, or problems that can rise in the aro community (such as allo hate, some amatonormative view on platonic love, aroallo erasure...). You see a discussion from time to time, but I'm not sure this was discussed in details.

That may be too extreme and there is a risk it doesn't work, but you can take a pair of scissors, cut the hair yourself, and then show how the resut is not great (it probably won't) to justify you need a hairdresser now. Worst scenario : your mum is mad at you and refuse to let you go to the hairdresser cause of that. So you have a bad haircut. But at least, you'll have the length you want. Question is what do you prioritize, good haircut or good length.

Well he didn't just cheated. He decided to reveal to the world that he cheated by writing about it in newspapers, as if there were no other way to clear the accusations against him. His move was "no I'm not involved in speculation, I just paid a man so he shut up about me fucking his wife repeatedly in my house". I would also be pretty mad if someone decided to throw our private life to the public eyes like this, probably without telling me and our children before. It may not be the worst thing Hamilton could ever do, but he surely was an asshole about it.

From what I've seen the other users will fight it when the idea is expressed, and in particular the stupid arguments (you know, the "not oppress enough", "but straight aros and aces or worst, straight grayros and graces, who are just confused normal people", and "you should not benefit a community you don't help building", all of these things). So I don't think the idea is the most common on AVEN, but yeah, you can see it from time to time. Now there are also people who don't consider themselves LGBTQIA+ but don't prevent others from doing it, which is completely valid. My position is that LGBTQIA+ includes aros by default so any aro who want to ID with it can, but it is not an obligation if you don't want to.

I don't remember writing romantic poems at school, usually we just study them. I don't know if it is the same in all the schools, but I think that most of teachers understand that it would make us uncomfortable. We had writing on other subjects, but for some reason, we don't study them in school. I mean to be fair, I think the poems that everyone studies at least once are not the romantic ones. I think we all do "Le Dormeur du Val" about a dead soldier, "Demain dès l'aube" from the Victor Hugo's book dedicated to his dead daughter, and of course the ones from La Fontaine that are critics of society. So all the famous ones are not romantic, but we still has a lot that are studied in school. Like for some reasons, if we study Baudelaire, we will study the "romantic ones", not the ones he wrote about Paris, for instance (put romantic between "" cause I'm not sure that comparing your loved one to a decomposing animal corpse is romantic, but well, Baudelaire). (Yeah I mistook this thread for "we ask you to talk about French litterature" thread) An icon. The fact that this an accurate description of medieval litterature is so funny to me. Maybe this is why France has the reputation to be ok with adultery.

It depends on what are the feelings involved. For some it will be admiration, others will have sexual fantasies with celebrities, or will imagine dates, or they could just look at them all day... It can be anything, that's the confusing part.

Not really. I had a crush I think a long time ago, so I felt what it feels like and honestly? I don't think it is any more special than I don't know, see a pastry and want to eat it. Now I probably didn't have the most intense crush in the world, but still, I think a lot of things can make me feel just as good, if not more. I also don't find thar fascinating. It just something I don't relate to, like people liking golf.

I'm pretty sure once, a waiter assumed my brother and I were on a date because we don't look alike at all (we both have the same parents but my brother took everything from my mum and I from my dad... including the skin color) and you know, a woman and a man, what could we possibly be doing ? Also in middle school, a friend of mine insisted that if I was hated so much one guy, it was because I was in love with him. I told her multiple times I didn't, but she didn't believe me. To the point that she arranged a meeting for him to confess. She must have been surprised when I say no and go away. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes itbis so annoying.

I can think about at least one : one of my colleague only had the mutation she was asking cause she benefited from "rapprochement de conjoint", something only available for people who are either married or pacsed (something specific to France I think, that was originally created for gay couples when they couldn't get married, so they can benefit from the same couple advabtages that marriage gave; but straight couples used it too and gay couples continue even if they can get married now, cause it not as formal as a marriage). Considering how hard it is to get the mutation you want in National Education, that's a big advantage. Seriously, depending on where you want to go, it can take years. Being married helps a lot. I also heard the story of someone : her boyfriend was at the hospital in a very bad state, but she couldn't see him cause they weren't married, despite being a couple for 10 years ! But ironically, there are also some advantages to not be married. For instance, there were discussions about changing a law because it causes divorces : if you were unable to work cause of a disability, you don't get the allocation if your spouse is working (or something like that), so some people were getting divorced but were still a romantic couple !

Oh yeah, I forget about that part of the program. If I remember, "penser l'amour" is the theme for the poetry part of the program, and the reason must be because historically, poetry ended up to mean, sorry I don't know the English term, but "poésie lyrique" that is all about expressing feelings. And for some reason, "expressing feelings" became in 80% of the case "expressing (romantic) love". (I don't know what my litterature teacher thought about all the simplifications I just made lol). And it continues to be everywhere cause the logic behind it were probably "love is a theme that speaks to everyone so we'll give it to the kids". They fail. Also I always find it ironic that elitists look down on romantic books, but the theme of 90% of the classic books are all about romance (maybe not necessary romance as a genre, but still about romantic love). Probably the reasons why all the French litterature I read was so boring (except Les Liaisons Dangereuses, but that just may be because the main characters are the villains, and we all know villains are the best characters). It eventually get better in high school (at least love is not written in the programs, and in terminale you won't have litterature at all if you don't take the option).

That was so great ! Perfecr way for me to begin the last day of aro awareness week. Thanks for taking the time to do this !

Il me semble qu'ils peuvent voir régulièrement les élèves mais en effet, il faut vérifier s'ils sont tenus ou non d'en informer tes parents. En tout cas c'est ce que j'ai vu en cherchant mais j'avoue que les infos que j'ai trouvé sont un peu floues. Et je ne peux demander à la psy de mon lycée vu qu'elle est absente jusqu'à la fin de l'année. Après tu peux toujours tenter de voir le psy une fois et il t'expliquera comment il fonctionne.

Not my case but it seems to be common in the aro community, I often hear people talking about this.

Except for aplatonic aros, for what I see, it is the opposite : friendship is usually important to aros, as this is where the support and human contact is find. A lot of aros have squishes (platonic crush) and have friendship heartbreak when a friendship ends. The friendships can be deep. Being aro can reinforce the need for friendships, as not having a romantic partner makes your friendships more important (relying on them for emotional support, for instance). So usually aros don't lack bonding in friendship, it is quite the contrary. But as I said there is also aplatonic aros. Aplatonic means nit feeling platonic attraction : aplatonic people don't see a stranger and feel the need to befriend them, a mot don't feel the need to initiate friendship or don't miss their friends when they gone. So if you want to talk about lacking "the feeling of bonding in friendship", it is the word you are looking for. It is not linked to being aro : you find aplatonic alloromantic too.

I don't have recommandation for books, if you want to know more about the French system for mental health, here I am. Say it if you prefer I speak in French if it is not clear enough. Even if you a minor, you can consult a therapist without your parents knowing, and even without paying. There are CMP (centre médico-psychologique) specialized in teenagers. It is free and if I'm not mistaken, they are not forced to tell your parents. However I would avise to call the one nearer to your home to be sure. There are also les maisons des adolescents, look if there are one where you live. If you are in public school, there should be a Psy-En in your school (short for psychologue de l'éducation nationale), also known as the "conseiller d'orientation" (because they also help people with this; they all have a psychology degree). If I'm not mistaken, the school don't have to tell your parents if you have a meeting the PSY-EN, except if it is something you do regularly or if they want you to pass tests. At least in the school where I work, students take a date themselves to see her. Usually Psy-EN are not there all days of the week so ask an adult when to see them (the CPE or a teacher you trust for instance). If the Psy-En allowed the option, you can contact them with Pronote. If there is no Psy-EN (it is unlikely but for instance, in my school, ours is pregnant and no one replaces her), you can also contact the nurse. They are not a therapist but some are great listener, and they can eventually tell you who to contact. In French, CBT is "thérapie cognitivo-comportementale". Usually it is opposed to psychoanalysis. CBT focus more on the search for solution to change your behavior, with exercises to do between meetings. Psychoanalysis is more like the stereotype you see on tv, with the person sharing about their past to get why they are feeling this way now. In French, CBT is less developed than in the US, which may be why you never heard of it, but it is slowly changing. As you mentionned depression, know that CBT has been proven efficient to treat it.

A romantic-like relationship or a QPR ? Not for me, I won't even try. But am I friends with two people for years (though for one we only recently talk again after a long silence). We son't see each other a lot, once or twice each two months, but that's still friendship and that's sustainable. I also have this with my parents and brother.

I remember that I decided "no romance before 16", because I percieved 16 as an age when we are mature enough lol. I also thought that I will marry eventually when I'll grow up : that is expecting of you. When I was a teen and then a young adult, before I knew I was aro and ace, I was worried that if I haven't have sex before a certain age, my future partner will find it weird. I didn't have as much sense about romance but that maybe because I didn't feel like I have to tell them this (though now I realize my partner would have asked), but that being a virgin was something I would have brought up before having sex for the first time (and if I don't it would have been noticable). Now that I know myself, this fear disappear.

I wish you all a happy awareness week !

So, aro moment yesterday. With a colleague, we were talking about Hogwarts Mystery, a phone game in HP universe. In this game, there is a point where you can date and have side romantic quest, like going to a ball or your first date. You can chose to date a boy or a girl no matter what your gender is, which is great, but there are not a non-romantic options in these quests, which annoys me as I want to do all the quests, for rewards and also because, I like doing all pf a game when I play. Once, MC even says they are attracted to someone when it was not a romantic side quest, which annoyed me. SO I explained to my colleague that I just date everyone in the game for the rewards, and that I headcanon my MC as a confused aromantic person who doesn't realize that caring is not the same thing than romantic love, so she dates all her friends. My colleague didn't quite get it but didn't say it out loud. And the funnier part : we saw an image of the game that show breaking up is possible. My colleague was saying it was so sad, and I was there so excited saying I'm totally doing that. It's hard to see in a text, but the intensity and nature of our reactions were so different, it was fun. Though I suppose it doesn't happen this way in the game, I will still say that my MC realizes she was aro and then break up with everyone, but stay friends. Yeah !

It's OK to have multiple names. If that helps, there is a student in my school who goes by a name invthe school or other "formal" situations, and by another name with his friends. He just communicates it and we do as he asked.

We had a plan to write a wiki page for aromanticism, but it fails cause we didn't have enough time (and on my part, I wasn't enough organized). But it would be great if we had one.

I can get it but they should understand when their rhetoric is hurtful. I remember a discussion on reddit : an allo posted a message addressing to aros who are not comfortable with the label, which was nice, but says that we don't have to be sad about being aro because of platonic love and friendship. Some people answered that they appreciate it but that one should be careful to not make friendship the only reason why it is OK to be aro. Ironically, the person who posted the message perfectly understand; but there was an aro in the comment who say that aplatonic and loveless aros should shut up cause the message was not for them; and when I point out it is exclusionary that addresses to all aros only applies to alloplatonic aros, the person told me that I was not supportive of alloplatonic aros. Which is stupid cause I am all for messages about platonic love, I just think the wording is important. So yeah, I can understand that platonic love is super important for some people and they don't want to be seen as lacking it; but they don't have to look down on aplatonic people for that. Saying "being aro is not connected to the ability to form friendship or to love in other ways" is a good message, they don't have to say "don't worry we love our friends, we are not psychopaths", which is bith aplaphobic and ableist.

Let us know how it goes! Hope it will be fine for you.

The teacher in me is horrified. It is aphobic but also irresponsible, and highly unprofessional. Can you report her? She basically told you that there is no place for you to speak in her class, told you you were not fully formed mentally (so insulted you), told you to give up your dreams and eveb told you that you will die before 20. And she did all that in front of the whole class which can be humilating. Even if she is not your usual teacher I'm sure you can report her behaviour. This person should not be teaching. I'm impressed you keep your calm. If a teacher had told me that she don't want to listen to me, then I would have said "OK, bye then" and leave the class, and then demand that she is not teaching to me (or to anyone) ever again (ok maybe I wouldn't have cause I would have been too shocked and too shy, but I would have thought about it).