Dobby

Thank you all for the replies ! That was definitely helpful. You're right, I should not care and worry that much about all that :) Thank youuu <3

Ah no, I didn't meant "something happening" like that, I meant it like an experience in general. Like for example romantic relationships that didn't felt right repeatedly, or an interaction that made you think "no, that's definitely not for me". Not something dramatic, just something, you know what I mean ? Like just any interaction or situation or whatever And also I didn't mean it as a justification, but more as a way to be more sure about it I don't know if you see what I mean ? And I'm sorry if I phrased my opinion and questions poorly, and sorry also if that was hurtful in any way

No I do not think that, that's not what i meant, and I'm quite sure that's not what I wrote either haha Where did you find that "tragic backstory" in the word "experience", I'm curious? XD

Hey there! Sooo, I started to relate to the idea of being aroace about 3-4 years ago when I was about 19 (even before learning the terms and all). But I keep thinking "how do I actually know I'm aromantic ? Maybe I've just never met the right one etc" (also some people have told me that). I've read in this forum that this tend to be a common issue for some aromantic people, because I guess we can never exclude the possibility of meeting someone that would be "the right one". But I have these thoughts even more persistently, because I've never had a "proof" that I was aroace. Actually, I think I'm aroace because of the absence of proof that I'm romantic and sexual (because I never felt any attraction of this kind)... But the absence of proof is never a proof of anything, mathematically speaking XD And I've read tons of posts of people that realised they were aroace because of an experience or because something happened, for example where it felt consistently wrong to be in a sexual or romantic relationship. So a part of my brain keeps telling me that I can't know if I'm aroace if I never "tried", just like someone can't know if they don't like carrots if they never tried eating carrots? What if I'm not aroace, and I'm just to introverted or whatever to have ever come close enough to the kind of situation where these feelings occurs ? If that makes sense XD I know it's ok not to be sure, and it's ok to change, it's ok not to feel aromantic forever etc. But at the same time, for the peace of my own brain, I kinda need to know, and need to feel sure about it (at least for now, I'm not speaking about forever), so I can stop invalidating myself and I can leave that unstable status I've created for myself. So, do you think feeling aroace without an experience to "prove" it, is valid ? Do we need an experience to be kind of sure about it? Did you ever felt like you were aro and/or ace, then had some kind of experience or situation and then been like "oh maybe I'm not then" ? XDD Thanks for reading this far, have a great day/night/whatever <3 (and sorry for the mistakes, English is not my 1rst language oopsi)

It happened to me once. When I woke up I was a bit sad it was just a dream, but it felt nice to "experience" it, in a way. I just saw a comment, on insta someone aro mentioning that it happened to them, so I was wondering : did it happen to some of you ? How was it ?

Thank you very much for your reply, it really means a lot. I'm happy things got a bit better for you ! It doesn't really make things easier, but it's reassuring to know that nobody is alone in this ... I really appreciate your offer about talking further, I will think about this. It's really nice of you, and maybe it could help but at the same time I don't want to bother you haha. And I also try not to rely on individuals too much especially about sensitive topics, because at some point they leave and it's something I don't manage really well. But anyway, thank you very much (and thank you for the huuug <3)

Tw : self-harm, eating disorders (I guess ?) Hey. I think I need to vent a bit, there are some things I need to say and I'm sorry to do it here and to bother the nice people hanging around here, but it's the only place that feels safe enough to do so. Yeah so I've been thinking about it for a while now (several years), but it just absolutely hit me this afternoon that I really don't know what I am doing with my life. Like, this year I started studying in the school that I wanted for so long. And the truth is, I did work for this school, but honestly not at my maximum at all, because I didn't really care if I got in or not. And now that I'm in, i know I should study more (because I barely do right now). Like I know that if I have an absolutely free weekend I should at least study a little bit, because otherwise I might fail my exams. But I don't care if I fail them. I don't care if I fail them and I don't care if I can't do the job I wanted to do for the last 10 years. And if it was only about the studies, ooh it would have been so nice. I used to have a meaning and passions in my life outside of school, before. But I lost it. I used to love doing art so so much. Now I still do art sometimes, but I don't care about it. It feels like doing nothing, but more frustrating. Sometimes I don't eat, even if I know I should, because I don't care. I honestly could, it's not like I can't eat because of a physical or mental block, it's just that I don't care. Sometimes I harm myself but I never regret it, simply because I don't care at all. I really wish I could care, because I know that none of that is good. But I just don't. I really don't care about myself or about my life, everything is so empty and nothing makes sense. A part of me knows that it's not normal that I feel like that. After thinking about seeking professional help for months, last week I finally started the procedures to have an appointment with a therapist. Maybe I'm expecting a little to much from it. I'm not sure they can help me becoming someone I would care about, but I guess I'm going to try. What do I have to lose. Sometimes (like right now), I feel like I really need a hug. But I'm alone (because I moved city to do my studies), and I can't really make friends. Maybe I could if I cared enough. Because some people are really nice and seem to find my presence reasonably enjoyable, and I think I could be friends with some of them. I could. But yeah I really need a hug, and to feel like someone cares about me, even just a little bit. I'm crying right now, but a hug would make things so much better. I still want to live, but just not this life. I still have some sort of hope for the future, because I still remember that things can be better, based on how they used to be. But I'm slowly forgetting, and I don't really know what I'm going to do when everything is gone. It's probably a good thing that I don't care to much because otherwise I would be really worried about my future.

Hey ! I finally had the time to watch the whole video. Honestly thank you for sharing it, it was really interesting! I like the fact they took a neutral and very factual look on things but still in a very acceptive and non judgemental way, even if they don't identify as aro. The content I've seen before was either by aro people (which is fine, it's just that speaking about your own experience is not the same as trying to understand someone else's), or by non-aro but the content was a bit (not a bit) judgemental. Like I've seen once, on like a french TV show (not super serious with only official news and stuff but still a bit serious), they did a thing on aromanticism and it was AWFUL, like basically calling aros "cold and heartless" (but in french (which still sounds awful)), and almost questioning the humanity of aros. So anyway, the video you sent is good in the sense that they're maybe out of the aro thing, but they're understanding and acceptant (and I'm happy to see that it's maybe not that rare to be this way). Maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that they didn't find any actual scientific study about aromanticism. Disappointed but not surprised haha, because I tried to find that also and it wasn't an easy task. I'm studying biology (I'm interested in neuroscience), and for that purpose I read a lot of scientific articles (and I like that). And from the moment I started to learn about aromanticism (and started to identify as aro at the same time), I also started to wonder how, like what exactly is happening that can explain the way I feel and other people feel. And I thought (and still think) that the brain must be involved in it, I think aromanticism isn't just a metaphysical philosophical phenomenon that can't be studied and understood scientifically (basically, romantic love can be studied by neuroscience, so the lack of it should also, no ?). Anyway so I tried to find actual scientific articles on that but I failed. I need brain scans and a biochemistry explanation aaaaaaaa XD. That's frustrating but well. Maybe one day. But still, I think it was an interesting video, and I liked that they talked about the expectations, and how the society is not shaped for aros etc. It's usually not really talked about I think (I mean aromanticism in general is not really talked about either but anyway). And also I liked that they underlined that "romance" is a difficult term to define, and the line between "normal" and the others is difficult to draw. And that basically society decided to draw the line at the place it is (I feel like even if we are the ones actually identifying as aro or not, we probably wouldn't have to do so if there wasn't a line and different sides to "pick" to begin with, if that makes sense). Anyway, so thank you for the video, it was really interesting. I've just watched it, so I didn't have any time to think about it deeply and everything, maybe there are some things I didn't think of or missed some points etc, so that's just my raw reaction (but still a long one haha, sorry for the dissertation). (And sorry if my English if full of mistakes, i'm french 🥖 (yeah no I'm not watching french TV just for the fun of it)) Yeah so thank you, everyone have a nice day/night/whatever it is in your timezone <3

Hey thank you for your reply, and yeah it makes sense ! Yeah I met her boyfriend at some occasions already and I think he's nice. We just don't have a lot of occasions to all meet anymore because we now live quite far away. And the last time we saw each other, it was just me and my friend (not her partner) and she spent quite some time on her phone texting him, it was even interrupting our interactions and activities. Yeah so it wasn't the nicest feeling. But anyway, we're not geographically close so we can't meet that much, which clearly doesn't help at all. That could have been nice Thank you <3

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the answers ! It's sad and reassuring at the same time to know that I'm not the only one ... I kinda hoped that it was really a rare phenomenon, because that would mean that it has a low probability to happen to me again in the future, but well. And yeah, it's getting a bit better with time, so that's good. Even if I feel like I really need to make friends, I'm still quite afraid because I don't want it to happen again. But the loneliness it causes makes the decision hard haha. It just happened at the worst time, almost all the things in my life started to get progressively worse and then in the middle of that all I lost her too. But well, that's the way it is I guess. I hope that everyone of you will be okay, thank you very much and love you all <3

Hey everyone So yeah 2 weeks ago I met someone and for some reason I liked him right away (in a platonic way) and I wanted to be his friend. I think it might be a squish (I think it is what it's called), because since then I've been thinking about him sometimes and I just want to be his friend and learn more about him, spend time with him etc. And yeah, we had the opportunity to spend a bit of time chatting together and I just think he's really nice and I enjoy being around him. And I think it's really weird, because I'm very much aware of the fact that I have no reason to actually like him. Like yeah, there are some people with whom I feel more comfortable, or people I find really nice etc. But I never got this feeling of really wanting to be friends before. And it feels so weird, like why him ? Among all the people I met at the same moment, why would it be him ? It doesn't make any sense to me, because I don't know him personally, so how could my brain like him ? It's not a bad feeling at all honestly, but I just don't understand, and I don't know what to think about it. And also I'm a bit afraid because I don't know how to act, like I try to be friendly in a "normal" way but I don't want to be rejected I guess. A part of me thinks that I'm just so weird because it really really doesn't make any sense for my brain. Well that's all, I don't really have a question (except if someone have a logical explanation to this phenomenon XD), I just wanted to say it, but any response of any sort (just be nice please XD) is welcome :) Anyway, thank you for reading <3

Thank you everyone for your replies ! You're right, I think it might be better to try to start now that I can. I probably needed more motivation and convincing points, so thank you for that <3

Heyy people !! So yeah, let's get into it. Things started to get not so good about my mental health maybe 1.5 years ago. At first, I was like yeah that's okay it will pass. But it didn't really pass, it was just kind of an oscillation between ok-but-kinda-neutral moments and terrible ones. Some moments were really bad, and during those moments I thought that I really needed to maybe seek professional help, but it was always a time when I couldn't start the process (I had to move quite a lot, had an internship in between, didn't have a lot of energy and motivation to start, I was quite afraid etc). And so right now, I'm in an ok phase. During those times back then, I used to always think "oh cool I'm doing better, this time it will stay for sure, no need for therapy then". Haha lol, I'm optimistic. This time is actually the first time that I seriously consider the possibility that "the bad brain" might come back. So a part of my brain is like "we should go to therapy, we never know" and the other part is like "haha no we're good". I know the most rational thing would be to start the process, especially because even if I feel ok, there are a looot of issues that are unresolved, I just manage not to think about them too much right now but they're not gone. But at the same time, I don't want to go and then having to talk about all the things I don't want to think about. Or go there in front of the therapist and say "well actually I'm ok, not sure if I need you right now". But at the same time, even if I'm ok now, it's strange because I don't really feel there, everything is quite empty. And also the thought of some things or situations used to make me feel bad just some weeks ago, but now when I think about them I don't feel anything, like everything I think about is absolutely neutral most of the time. And even if it feels "good" compared to how my brain used to feel in the bad moments, maybe be it's a bit not normal. And also I can't fall asleep. So I'm like yeaaah maybe I should go now, but at the same time I'm not sure I need it. Some months ago I was really really sure about the fact I should try therapy, but now I'm lost between the two sides. I don't know if I need motivation, or if I need to be convinced about the fact that I actually do need therapy even if I don't feel like it. And I'm afraid to go there and feel bad again (because it will maybe dig up some things), so maybe I should go when I'm not good, so that it makes me feel better instead of worse. But at the same time if/when I feel bad again, maybe I will not be able to have enough motivation energy time etc. to start. Aaaaaa I don't know. I don't even know if I have a question to ask you guys haha, just a bit of venting and also if some of you have something to say or to share, that might be very helpful Thank you for reading this far (and sorry for writing this much) <3

Thank you @Aether ! Yeah I hope that at some point she will understand a bit better my side, or at least that she will explain why she's mad at this point. Still no news about that, same silence for the last 3 days. Maybe she's doing it on purpose to do to me what I did to her in a way, some kind of revenge. I don't know but I'm sad. Anyways About what you said about friendship, I used to hope that I would find someone like that too, but I try not to hope too much because it's been a while and I don't want to wait for something that might never come haha. But we never know I guess I wish dogs could live longer tho

Thank you for the replies !! Little update, this morning she was still not responding, so I said that I was sorry if I said something harmful, and that I was just trying to explain how I understood the situation and explain to her that it wasn't clear for me that she wanted to know what I was away. So she responded that she was mad, that's why she didn't replied for 2 days. And she said she felt like I was taking her for a fool by saying it wasn't clear for me that she wanted to know, that it was really clear she wanted to know because she said she was worried. And she said that I was probably pretending I didn't understand that because I wanted her to feel guilty, and that if I need that much attention from her I need to ask it clearly instead of saying that she wasn't clear with me. And I responded by explaining (again) that I didn't understand that she wanted to know because it just wasn't clear to me (like if a blind person bump into you and say that they haven't seen her, is she going to think their taking her for a fool ? I don't think so). I just didn't understand what she wanted, that's why I didn't explain it right away. And so I told her that apparently she's not the fool one here, I am, if it was so obvious that she wanted to know the reason and I couldn't understand it. And she just replied (maybe 10h ago) that she doesn't know what to reply, and that she will see later. I don't know why she's still mad, even now that she knows I didn't do it on purpose to make her feel bad, it's just that I didn't understand. I don't know how it will end, but I hope she will tell me why she's that mad at me. I understand that she could be mad at first, because she seemed the think that I was pretending and everything. But I explained that it wasn't the case, so why is she still mad and still not really replying ? Maybe she thinks I'm lying to her ?? Idk but I never lied to her before Anyway I'm waiting now But as time passes, I feel like I don't want to make new friends. And don't want to be let down and then feel shitty for a reason I ignore because of someone. Sometimes I feel like people see friends as disposable and it's not worthy to fight for them. I think I have a too high esteem for friendship, but I never met someone for whom it was the same, so I might as well stay forever friendless (and single). I'll just adopt a dog