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Cambridge, traditions and platonic marriage.


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(I'm not sure that this is quite the right place for this topic, move it if necessary)

 

As clickbaity as the title may seem, this seems to be a genuine tradition at Cambridge University. Let me explain.
So, I'll be at Cambridge in October, and I have been told (on a couple of occasions) that at some point, my "College Parents" will get in touch.
So, I looked into the college parent scheme. First thing I find is that the "college families" can be quite incestuous - that is that college siblings might get together with each other or their parents. I noticed nothing wrong here, they're all roughly the same age. Next thing I find is "College Marriage", because of course, Cambridge haven't got the hang of this single parent thing. Apparently the proposals can be quite spectacular.

 

I was of course still thinking that there was some kind of romance involved.

 

Then, I find out that the all female colleges have this system too. Maybe its slightly different? Maybe there are enough lesbians. Then I find out that some people will have 3 college parents. This is when it all adds up.

 

At Cambridge (and apparently Oxford too), platonic "marriages" happen. And some people are serious about it. (This was the first time I saw it directly mention that it wasn't necessarily romantic, although it can be).

 

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3 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

That sounds quite interesting really. So you could marry your college mother or college father in real life, and it would be perfectly legal. :)

 

Yes, it's a little tradition, not a real marriage. I also understand that it is not unheard of for romantic or sexual relationships to form within these 'college families'.

 

I may post back to this thread when I know more. (Who knows, maybe I'll get married :D)

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On the one hand, I'm kind of glad we don't have that where I am because the whole idea of marriage in general kind of squicks me out and even making it platonic doesn't really make it any better. (I may also be kind of biased because people have been insinuating that I'm involved with friends/my QPP romantically for pretty much my whole life, and so that sort of conflation definitely gets to me.) On the other hand, that kind of commitment to platonic relationships is awesome, and I feel like we need more of it in the world. So: not my thing, but still interesting and positive.

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13 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

On the one hand, I'm kind of glad we don't have that where I am because the whole idea of marriage in general kind of squicks me out and even making it platonic doesn't really make it any better. (I may also be kind of biased because people have been insinuating that I'm involved with friends/my QPP romantically for pretty much my whole life, and so that sort of conflation definitely gets to me.) On the other hand, that kind of commitment to platonic relationships is awesome, and I feel like we need more of it in the world. So: not my thing, but still interesting and positive.

I agree with all of this. I think it's important that platonic relationships are seen as commitments, given the relationship hierarchy that we unfortunately have.

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  • 1 month later...
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Update:

 

At Queens' college at least, college marriages are purely platonic.

 

If two people who are college married form a romantic relationship, then the marriage is disqualified.

 

The first college marriages in my year have already begun, and the proposals I've heard about were fairly impressive.

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On 12/09/2016 at 2:58 AM, Dodecahedron314 said:

(I may also be kind of biased because people have been insinuating that I'm involved with friends/my QPP romantically for pretty much my whole life, and so that sort of conflation definitely gets to me.)

This really gets to me too. It's been happening for as long as I can remember. Every guy I even talked to in high school had to be a romantic interest, every guy I was friends with in primary school was my boyfriend, hell, even my best friend in kindy was my "boyfriend" (why must we sexualise 5 year olds!?). I feel like this idea that's drilled into girl and guy friends by their peers is part of the reason guys get crushes on their girl friends. They've probably been conditioned to think that's "how it's supposed to go" because guys and girls can't possibly be friends.

 

As someone who is drawn to more androgynous and masculine people this really gets to me.

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On 10/15/2016 at 11:32 PM, aussiekirkland said:

even my best friend in kindy was my "boyfriend" (why must we sexualise 5 year olds!?).

 

Yes! That creeps me out so much! Particularly since I'm a child sexual abuse survivor, so I'm pretty touchy about sexualizing children. That's something that pedophiles do to justify doing sexual things to children.

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On 10/16/2016 at 1:32 AM, aussiekirkland said:

This really gets to me too. It's been happening for as long as I can remember. Every guy I even talked to in high school had to be a romantic interest, every guy I was friends with in primary school was my boyfriend, hell, even my best friend in kindy was my "boyfriend" (why must we sexualise 5 year olds!?). I feel like this idea that's drilled into girl and guy friends by their peers is part of the reason guys get crushes on their girl friends. They've probably been conditioned to think that's "how it's supposed to go" because guys and girls can't possibly be friends.

 

As someone who is drawn to more androgynous and masculine people this really gets to me.

Urgh.  I'm a working professional and I STILL get this sort of thing at the office. I was hoping it would go away once I was an adult... My main friend group is 2 guys and 3 girls.  We all hang together all the time and most of us have known each other since elementary school.  But heaven forbid I mention the name of one of my male friends at work without getting the *wink wink nudge nudge* from my coworkers or just blatant questioning about whether "he's your boyfriend/if you like him", blah blah blah.  Drives me CRAZY. Why can't people just accept that two people can be friends without trying to romanticize/sexualize the relationship???  

 

It also seems like the only way they'll leave off about it is if I tell them that my one male friend and one female friend are engaged. That's the only thing that seems to make them think I'm being serious about not liking him romantically.  Way to validate my assertions about my own feelings...

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  • 2 months later...
On 2017-4-23 at 2:23 PM, starstuff said:

Urgh.  I'm a working professional and I STILL get this sort of thing at the office. I was hoping it would go away once I was an adult... My main friend group is 2 guys and 3 girls.  We all hang together all the time and most of us have known each other since elementary school.  But heaven forbid I mention the name of one of my male friends at work without getting the *wink wink nudge nudge* from my coworkers or just blatant questioning about whether "he's your boyfriend/if you like him", blah blah blah.  Drives me CRAZY. Why can't people just accept that two people can be friends without trying to romanticize/sexualize the relationship???  

 

It also seems like the only way they'll leave off about it is if I tell them that my one male friend and one female friend are engaged. That's the only thing that seems to make them think I'm being serious about not liking him romantically.  Way to validate my assertions about my own feelings...

 

I get this a lot from my family about my room mate. We were involved in a romantic relationship for a while before I worked out I was aromantic. I backed out of that relationship soon after for that reason and a few others. Now that the other reasons are gone I can't see any of my family without enduring questions about when we're going to get back together, no matter how many times I say that we aren't.

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32 minutes ago, Momo said:

Now that the other reasons are gone I can't see any of my family without enduring questions about when we're going to get back together, no matter how many times I say that we aren't.

That sounds really annoying, not to mention if it's been a while since you split, your ex might have moved on and wouldn't want to get back with you anyway - no offence to you of course, but this really should have occurred to them as a possibility. Even if my own problems being in a romantic relationship could have been magically cured last year, I really doubt my ex would have wanted to pick up where we left off, either. That's just not how it works!

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Just now, Untamed Heart said:

That sounds really annoying, not to mention if it's been quite a while since you split, your ex might have moved on and wouldn't get back with you anyway - no offence to you of course, but this really should have occurred to them as a possibility. Even if my own problems being in a romantic relationship could have been magically cured last year, I really doubt my ex would have wanted to pick up where we left off, either. That's just not how it works!

 

It's been a year and a half now - we still live together though, we're good friends still. It was a fairly amicable split. If I wasn't aro, I would probably get back together with her and she would love that. Still, if I say 'no' for a year and a half, that should be enough...

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On 6/26/2017 at 6:32 PM, Momo said:

 

It's been a year and a half now - we still live together though, we're good friends still. It was a fairly amicable split. If I wasn't aro, I would probably get back together with her and she would love that. Still, if I say 'no' for a year and a half, that should be enough...

If you say "no" even once, it should be enough for them to respect your decision about your own personal life and leave it alone.

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