starstuff

I'm not officially out to my family, but I will agree out loud that I'm not in a relationship, there is no one I am interested in, and I'm not looking. I've gotten way more comfortable with my aro-ness as I've gotten older and at this point, when older relatives ask I just give a casual "Nah" or whatever with a clear disinterest in the topic. And if they get pushy about it I just put on an aggressively upbeat attitude with an undercurrent of 'drop the subject'. "Nope!" >:)

Thank you for your sending over some support!!!! I think I'm always so wishy-washy about talking to people about his stuff because I've never met another aro person in real life and have never had that understanding and validation. I know my friends do try, but they just don't GET it.

Yesssss. I guess I just assume that everyone in my RPG group knows that all my DnD characters are aroace because I am and my friends know that. But then my best friend who has just started DMing a new game was like "Oh your character WILL be flirted with at some point, FYI" and I kind of tried to hint that I didn't want that, but she was like "Ok, but that's just how the world is." And my other friend is playing a bard and he IS going for the stereotypical flirty-bard angle and while I shut his character down immediately, it was still somewhat uncomfortable. I am still working on getting up the courage to point out that DnD is supposed to be an escape from reality and that it's supposed to be a space where I feel safe from have to deal with that sort of thing... ? I feel your pain @Oatpunk.

Oh man, SAME.

Oh man. So speaking of fight or flight responses.... I had a guy in high school who basically stalked me from class to class; like, I'm pretty sure he had my schedule memorized. He would show up at the doorway of the class I was leaving, follow me through the halls to my next class, and then go to his own. (There was also a whole thing with him trying to ask me to prom and a ton of panicking on my part and telling him I had promised to go with my friends as a group and then avoiding him the entire night of prom.) Fast forward to college and he ended up going to the same school as me. Part way through the year I spotted him across the campus and before he saw me I basically threw myself behind the nearest building and then ninja-ed my way back to my dorm like a Mission Impossible character. I am really glad I didn't I have to deal with the inevitable awkwardness at our high school 10 year reunion over the summer because he didn't show up.....

I think someone already suggested this on a similar thread, but "Don't Fall In Love" by Danko Jones is one of my favorites.

I see where you're coming from, but I guess to me, the idea of a partnership doesn't necessarily mean a romance. Just because two people happen to compliment each other and work well together doesn't mean they can't have a platonic relationship. And the movie explicitly avoided a kiss scene when they could have easily made it into one, which to me enforced the non-romance of it. (Although now that there's a sequel coming out soon I may end up deeply disappointed...)

Pacific Rim! I know some non-aros read Riley and Mako as "romantic", but to me it just felt like an incredibly genuine QPR. Two people who understood each other on a deep level, literally inside each other's brains, and just aggressively became the ultimate cheerleaders for each other, rather than falling in love. Also, they fight giant monsters together.

If you're into Sci-fi and don't mind long running shows, Star Gate: Atlantis was fun. There's some romance for a couple of the protagonists, but the main character, John Shepard, has basically none. He's divorced from a marriage that "didn't work out" and there were one or two episodes with some girl who liked him, but he always "nope"d out of there as fast as possible, or just acted super uncomfortable about the whole situation. (Totally AroAce IMO) For the most part it was a show about friendships and the Gate team becoming a makeshift family. (And super cheesy sci-fi aliens and situations )

So I'm kind of a weirdo in that I don't find traditional horror movies scary. I mostly just find them boring (or infuriating when the characters do horrifically stupid things). The only movie that haunts me to this day is The Truman Show. Which, again, not a horror movie. But the idea that nothing around me was something I had actually accomplished or built through my own means, that everyone I knew was just there because they had to be and not because they were genuinely my friends, and that the world at large had free access to every private moment I ever thought I had is basically the worst thing I can think of. Watched that movie in middle school and I STILL think about it. Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I tell them that's the scariest movie I've ever seen, but I don't know how it CAN'T be....

To Elementary School Me: 1. You don't actually have a crush on that person. I know you're lying to yourself and you know you're lying to yourself. Don't believe what people tell you about having to like-like somebody; you're fine. 2. Go find a book series called The Lord of the Rings. Just trust me. To Middle School Me: 1. That person you "take" to the 8th grade Dance thinks that you like them. That's what the awkwardness is. 2. DO NOT LET THE TROUBLE-TWINS WANDER OFF ALONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AROUND GRANDMA'S HOUSE. YOU WILL END UP PICKING CACTUS SPINES OUT OF ONE OF THEIR BUTTS. To High School Me: 1. When you tell that guy who wants to go see The 300 that it's not a date, you're just going to see the movie as friends and he says "yeah, sure, sure", don't believe him. He totally thinks its a date. 2. You know that absolute JERK that your best friend ends up with a crush on in freshman year? Yeah, he's gonna get hit by a car, spend half a year in recovery, get a reality check and some serious life perspective, become less of a jerk, and end up becoming one of your best friends. Go figure. (Also, he's still a little bit of a dick sometimes, but like....in a love-able, brotherish way.) To College Me: 1. Sometimes I miss being you. 2. Also, you should maybe look up "asexual" and "aromantic" online and then check out the local LGBTQIA group. Find your people. To Adult Me: 1. The job offer sounds too good to be true and also vaguely sketchy. Just go to the interview. You'll be fine. 2. Trust in your own definition of yourself.

No experience but I think I'd like to adopt 1 or 2 kids in the future if I ever manage to find myself a Permanent Platonic Partner TM. I'd also be interested in any advice/information. I feel like adoption agencies would all favor married couples over two(or more) non-married, co-habitating people. Can anyone confirm if that's true?

I found out the day I left my old job working at a diner that this one guy I used to chat with who came in to eat like 1 or 2 times a week for like 2 years was apparently flirting with me. He had left a present for me since it was my last day and I was like "Why, I barely know him???" And my coworkers were like "...you do know he has a huge crush on you, right? Like...everyone knew..." and I freaked out and for awhile I avoided going back there during the times he generally stopped in for lunch. I thought we were just chatting about comics and nerdy things and stuff we both liked and that we were becoming friends.... Apparently not.... (I opened the present later and it was a painting he had done of a comic panel of Captain America kissing some girl with a note in french on the back that I haven't brought myself to translate. I shoved it to the back of my closet cause I have no idea what to do with it and it freaks me out a bit when I see it (I think I'm a little romance replused...), but also I feel kinda bad about just throwing it out cause clearly he put effort into it..)

I'm one of those in the quest for the "life partner", although I tend to refer to them as my "permanent platonic plus one". Lol. It would be nice to not have to attend events as the only person without some sort of partner, then spend half the night on my phone when people split off with their romantic person(s)...

As someone who has been both kicked in the mouth and had my face repeatedly punched before, I can say that teeth are surprisingly strong. My only chipped tooth was from a clumsy incident with a glass bottle and too much excited gesturing. I think mashing faces could possibly result in chipped teeth, yes, but an intentional punch would do way more damage if you know what you're doing. (I am rereading this before posting and realizing I sound like I regularly go around punching people and would like to clarify that I have had 11 years of martial arts training and thus have been punched/kicked a lot and vice versa during training. Not just like....out on the street by random people....)

I'm actually still terrified of this an adult because all those romance movies seem to imply that surprise kissing is a good thing. I may actually punch someone's teeth out if they ever did that to me because I'd feel so violated.

Its been quite a while since i actually watched SGA, so I'm going off memory here, but from what I remember his marriage ended before the show even began and he never showed any inclination of looking for a new partner. Plus, every time he ended up in a situation concerning romance or sex he was never the one to instigate it (unless possessed/not in control of his own actions). Even the instance where he got stuck in that bubble world and ended up in a sort-of relationship he was awkward and had no idea that the lady was flirting with him to begin with and then he ended up leaving immediately after with his team and it was never really brought up again. Maybe call him gray-romantic, then, if you like. Personally I think that he's a case of an aro-spec asexual who's never heard of either orientation and tried to meet societal expectations (and prove himself to his father)by marrying a beautiful, successful woman. It ended up in a divorce as they drifted apart and then, when he found himself in a new galaxy surrounded people who understood and didn't push him for things he didn't want (except Rodney sometimes, but...well, he's Rodney...), he was able to relax and just be who he wanted to be with the platonic family he's comfortable with. Maybe I'm projecting myself onto him a bit, but I really love that (SPOILERS) he ends the show happily with his friends/family and that the show doesn't force a romantic interest to achieve that happiness, or force some convoluted love triangle or sexual tension into his storyline. He's a perfectly well-rounded character over five seasons without having to rely on any of that.

This thread might be kind of dead, but I'm gonna agree with aro dean winchester and a lot of the others. I'm adding Lt. Colonel John Sheppard from Stargate Atlantis as AroAce. He never really shows any interest in pursuing anyone for the entire show and the few times he does end up in a situation where someone is flirting with him, he always seems really uncomfortable. His focus in the show is always on his teammates (found family!) and protecting the members of the expedition. A relationship, sexual or romantic, is never the focus of his character. Loved it!!! (Also, the show itself is fun if you're into cheesy sci-fi and team-as-family shows.)

Oh man, same. To this day when people hint at "liking" me I just freeze up and have no idea how to react. My brain just does a cross between flatlining and absolute, gibbering panic.

Was there ever a final list put together from this thread? I think this is an awesome idea and one that I had nebulously considered a while back, but never really followed up on. I've found myself considering the kinds of things I'd be OK with doing with someone in a QPR constantly whenever I'm around people in romantic relationships while they're doing their romance-y thing. This is a very comprehensive list, good job. As some of the others have said though, I think you might need more than just Y/N/M. Some of these I have never done (i.e. slept in the same bed while hugging someone) so I really have no idea whether I'd be OK with it or not. Sometimes it depends on context (i.e. sitting on someone's lap when seating is limited is fine, but doing so when there are free seats available kind of feels weird and edging into sappy, romance-y territory)....

Found a diary under my bed recently from when I was in elementary school (like 20 years ago???) and there's an entry about thinking I had a crush on one of my friends. I can actually remember writing that entry as a child and knowing that I was lying to myself as I wrote the words, but thinking that everyone around me was saying I was supposed to have a crush so I HAD to pick someone. Amatonormativity, people. Yeesh.

Fortunately my friends are super cool about it and two of them are engaged so I've been the platonic third wheel out with them to fancy dinners and have had dinner out with just the guy and no one thinks anything of it because they all know I'm 0% interested lol.

One time in 6th grade at a sleepover we ended up watching the notebook and all the other girls were crying and so invested in the movie and I just sat in the middle bored out of my skull with the box of tissues in my lap handing them out to everybody the whole time until the movie was finally over. Should have known then, lol. Buy up all the super cheap candy the day after.

I have literally had to have a friend explain to me that someone was flirting with me after we walked away from them. Oops. Or vice versa that they thought i was firting with THEM when I was just interested in the conversation and I thought we were getting to be friends. And then I have to avoid that person forever to also avoid the inevitable awkwardness/my own internal freakout. "MIND SPAMMING" oh man, I will forever call it that in my head now, thank you! Hahahaha.

Urgh. I'm 27 and still not out to my parents. I'm buying a house now that I can afford it and moving out finally and I feel like I might be willing to go through with it then, once I have somewhere I can retreat back to just in case it doesn't go well. My parents have always prided themselves on being open minded but my mom has also said that she doesn't believe people are really bisexual, because "how can you love/be attracted to more than one gender, people are just straight or gay", and....I don't know. How can I expect her to understand not being interested in ANY gender then? As someone else said above, I also feel like it'll just become a Q&A session. Feels like I'm gonna have to prepare a PowerPoint on the split attraction theory, QPRs, etc. beforehand or something...