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The decreasing age of the aromantic community


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Lately I've noticed a lot of teens on Arocalypse, specifically younger teens. This is a huge shock to me. I'm only 25, but when I was that age, it was relatively uncommon for folks my age to be aware of what aromanticism was (at least outside the context of asexuality). I didn't realize I was aromantic until I was about 17 or 18, because I was always told that it was something of a sub-community of asexuality, and allosexual aromantics + an aro community outside of the ace community weren't something that were ever discussed or considered to exist. It was incredibly painful growing up like that, so I'm glad to see times are changing.

For the other adults around here, what do you think of this phenomenon? Did you have a similar experience to me growing up, or were you aware of aromanticism from a young age as well?

For the kids, here's some advice from someone who's been in this community a long time:

  • Don't get hung up on finding the most accurate niche microlabel for you. Labels are meant to help you, not to cause you stress. If you find using certain microlabels helpful, great, but don't worry about it too much.
  • Your identity may change as you get older. This is normal and nothing to be upset about. Like I said, labels are meant to help you, so if identifying as aro now serves a purpose to you, great. If you continue to identify as aro when you're older, great. If you find yourself not identifying that way anymore, that's ok too. Let yourself be whatever you need to be.
  • DON'T call other people's attraction or life choices disgusting, annoying, weird, illogical, etc., at least not publicly. I know it can be tough to grow up in a world that pushes romance and sex, but be mindful of who can hear you. Many members of your own community experience sexual or even sometimes romantic attraction, and don't deserve to be demonized for that. Remember also that in the cases of queer people, people of color, people of differing religions, etc. many people have had their relationships forbidden or even been outright killed for their attraction. (Did you know that interracial marriages were not federally legal in the U.S. until 1967? That's my grandparents' generation. And gay marriage was not federally legalized until 2015, when I was 17 years old.) It's totally ok to vent in private with friends, but publicly talking shit about romance or sex in general tends to not do much other than develop an "us vs. them" mindset. People who experience romantic and sexual attraction are not some sort of science experiment for you to gawk at- They're your friends, family, neighbors, community members, and most importantly, your potential allies. Treat them as you would have them treat you.
  • You don't have to come out if you don't want to or don't feel safe doing so.
  • You don't have to have a QPR, but it's also not a problem if you do want one. Just make sure you're choosing it because you actually like your partner, not out of a desire to just have a partner in general.
  • On a similar note, if you want to date people, that's totally fine! But make sure that's actually something you want to do, rather than just something you feel pressured into doing. Attraction isn't something that can be forced, and you do not need to stay in a relationship if it's not making you happy. Also, you should probably be up front with people about being aro if it's the kind of relationship where they would expect you to be romantically attracted to them.
  • The western gender binary is a scam and deeply white in nature. If anyone tries to tell you that you can't act a certain way, wear certain clothes, look a certain way, use a certain name, etc. because of your gender or your body parts you should feel sorry for their narrow-minded worldview. (But keep yourself safe.)
Edited by Jot-Aro Kujo
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I’m not really sure if it’s considered a good thing or a bad thing that people keep finding out at younger ages. I mean it’s good to know ahead of time but it can be a larger emotional burden to know about as young as 13. 🤷‍♂️

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Thanks for the tips!

22 minutes ago, LIVI0 said:

early access to the internet really tells u a lot lol. as some1 who figured out vos on the aroacespec when vo is abt 13 to 14 or younger; i dont recall the exact age i found out tho

yeah the internet really helps with awareness, I found out at around the same age as well, at 13

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For what it's worth, I also was online since... Well, probably before most of you kids were born, lol. It's just that like I said, at that time aromanticism was pretty much exclusively viewed as a type of asexuality- There were asexuals, and there were aromantic asexuals, and that was that. If you didn't experience romantic attraction, but you also weren't ace, even the most microlabel-savvy folks would just go "Huh, that's weird. I dunno what to tell you. Maybe you're a late bloomer or you have internalized homophobia?"

And of course, if you were ace, your asexuality was expected to be more important than your aromanticism. Most things that we would today associate with aromanticism were associated with asexuality at that time.

Edited by Jot-Aro Kujo
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17 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Your identity may change as you get older.

this is the bit that makes me feel old. the idea that identity is this thing its ok to try out and get wrong. Even tell other people and then say, oh, sorry, that doesnt fit anymore.. Its so different from the way I would have thought of any identity when i was in my teens.

I guess a part of that is being less concerned about the whole 'its just a phase, you'll grow out of it' mindset. being very careful about being 100% sure before you mention something because that could be used as ammo for those sorts of ideas. its honestly quite nice to look forward and see a community which is just more chill about that sort of experimentation.

 

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Good advice! I would also add that it's ok not to be sure. Part of growing up is to figure oneself out.

I agree that it seems easier to know ones identity now. I too grew up with internet but it wasn't as mature as it is now. Back when I was a tween we had dial up internet and our experience consisted mostly of playing mini games and chatting with creepy men on chat forums.

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16 hours ago, LIVI0 said:

early access to the internet really tells u a lot lol. as some1 who figured out vos on the aroacespec when vo is abt 13 to 14 or younger; i dont recall the exact age i found out tho

Well, I also was born in the internet, my family got it when I was something like 10 or 11. I still didn't find out until I was 23. I think it is not only about internet but also how we talked about it.

For years I've only see the word "aromantic" used as a synonym of "psychopath" talking about characters like Voldemort or Light. And I really thought this word meant "psychopath" at the time, until I find out asexuality, which was not easy either cause I've only seen it used as jokes and I thought it meant "someone with no sex" (despise the fact that in my language, we have two different words for "can reproduce asexually" and "no sexual desire"... and everytime Google autotranslate it, it still choses the word for the wrong one... I also remember someone who wanted to do good and support us and use the wrong word during all her speech...).

The asexual community was the first time I heard the right used of aromantic. And as @Jot-Aro Kujosaid, it makes it harder for aroallos.

It is only recently that I've seen people started to say it outside of the community. OK, to be fair, maybe it is also because I started to watch other kind of videos lol, as a teen I only used YouTube for music. But still, a few years ago, you were unlikely to find any aro ressources if you googled "never been in love". This is not the case anymore I think.

 

So yeah internet has a role, I think most of us find out thanks to it. But I don't think it is the only explanation. I think people find aromanticism easier simply because our community did a great job at increasing our visibility. So thanks the community!

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10 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

So yeah internet has a role, I think most of us find out thanks to it. But I don't think it is the only explanation. I think people find aromanticism easier simply because our community did a great job at increasing our visibility. So thanks the community!

i wasnt affected by negative shit tho. i found out abt asexuality 1st then thought it meant the same thing as aromanticism before a friend corrected me and i now use the aroace label. to me internet helped me for the majority; i havent seen aromanticism being talked abt negatively at all bc idek it existed til my friend told me so

ofc its not the only explanation. idk where in my comment it implied that but oh well

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5 hours ago, nonmerci said:

So yeah internet has a role, I think most of us find out thanks to it. But I don't think it is the only explanation. I think people find aromanticism easier simply because our community did a great job at increasing our visibility. So thanks the community!

I definitely agree, and it probably has something to do with more LGBTQ visibility and acceptance too (once queer people were less worried about general homophobia, the community had the time and space to think about more niche parts of the acronym)

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45 minutes ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I definitely agree, and it probably has something to do with more LGBTQ visibility and acceptance too (once queer people were less worried about general homophobia, the community had the time and space to think about more niche parts of the acronym)

Yeah, that’s very good. Hopefully when gen z or millenials FINALLY become dominant we can fix the world. We have far better values than that of some of the past generation and I think that acceptance would go so much further when we see a gen-zer or millenial as president. I mean I don’t want to continue the whole “generational war” thing but it’ll give me some relief to see a generation that values social justice in charge.

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1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

Yeah, that’s very good. Hopefully when gen z or millenials FINALLY become dominant we can fix the world. We have far better values than that of some of the past generation and I think that acceptance would go so much further when we see a gen-zer or millenial as president. I mean I don’t want to continue the whole “generational war” thing but it’ll give me some relief to see a generation that values social justice in charge.

I actually disagree, I think some things will definitely improve, but we're far from fixing the world. And remember that while the gen-Zs and millennials you know have better values and value social justice more than the boomers you know, that's definitely not universal among our generation. Especially the ones that are likely to get elected any time soon

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12 minutes ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I actually disagree, I think some things will definitely improve, but we're far from fixing the world. And remember that while the gen-Zs and millennials you know have better values and value social justice more than the boomers you know, that's definitely not universal among our generation. Especially the ones that are likely to get elected any time soon

Yeah, the place where I live is very queerphobic. Last year the school did an event for 17th May, some kids destroyed the posters we made and said shitty things behind our backs (they weren't brave enough to say it to our faces as we were adults, but I think the teens who helped reported it to us).

I think this generation is split with people who are very open minded and on the other side, people who are the opposite.

 

7 hours ago, LIVI0 said:

idk where in my comment it implied that but oh well

It was just a clarification.

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57 minutes ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I actually disagree, I think some things will definitely improve, but we're far from fixing the world. And remember that while the gen-Zs and millennials you know have better values and value social justice more than the boomers you know, that's definitely not universal among our generation. Especially the ones that are likely to get elected any time soon

Yeah, I mean like socially the issue of homophobia or just in general hate towards LGBTQ people will decline drastically. We’re far from fixing the world, I just meant that in that one spot we’ll be far better off.

40 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Yeah, the place where I live is very queerphobic. Last year the school did an event for 17th May, some kids destroyed the posters we made and said shitty things behind our backs (they weren't brave enough to say it to our faces as we were adults, but I think the teens who helped reported it to us).

I think this generation is split with people who are very open minded and on the other side, people who are the opposite.

 

It was just a clarification.

Though the good news is that so far, open-mindedness is gaining some ground. Though in America’s south, we have some HUGE issues. Everyday in Florida, Texas, Georgia, and more, we’re seeing more homophobic and transphobic laws and senators being put in place. It’s concerning to say the least but I’m hoping that will change soon.

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Speaking as gen Z myself, this whole “generation war” thing is just a bunch of bullshit meant to divide us. There are PLENTY of bigoted young folks out there (especially in regards to racism, good fucking god) and also plenty of open-minded older folks. If you assume that people who are young are automatically righteous, then you absolve both them and yourselves of any responsibility and need for self-reflection. 

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1 hour ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

If you assume that people who are young are automatically righteous, then you absolve both them and yourselves of any responsibility and need for self-reflection. 

I agree that Gen-Z does have some serious problems. Like the people who eat a Tide Pod and wind up in the hospital for some views. Or Tik-Tokers impersonating holocaust and 9/11 victims while playing some cheesy sad music, or t̶͍̯̜̘͉̪̺̲̰̙̺̙̥͈̪̟̄̀ͅŵ̸͓̱i̵̢͍̺̦̼̼̼̥̟̬̮̊̓ţ̷̢̜͉̤͙̗̟̻̼̻́̆̑͊́̎̈͂͊̎͊̒̿̓̓͘ẗ̶̛̬̋ę̷͛̈́̿̌ŗ̷̩̩̫̞̩̦̗̰͍͓̳̮̥̽̅̎̾͗

Same for the millennials as some wind up as pedophiles browsing weird disgusting websites looking for C  lub  P  enguin

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2 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Speaking as gen Z myself, this whole “generation war” thing is just a bunch of bullshit meant to divide us. There are PLENTY of bigoted young folks out there (especially in regards to racism, good fucking god) and also plenty of open-minded older folks. If you assume that people who are young are automatically righteous, then you absolve both them and yourselves of any responsibility and need for self-reflection. 

I’m not, no I’m in a high school with my generation and just… WOW, we’re NASTY. We have far too many issues to be considered righteous but social justice wise, we’re seeing improvement.

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2 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Speaking as gen Z myself, this whole “generation war” thing is just a bunch of bullshit meant to divide us. There are PLENTY of bigoted young folks out there (especially in regards to racism, good fucking god) and also plenty of open-minded older folks. If you assume that people who are young are automatically righteous, then you absolve both them and yourselves of any responsibility and need for self-reflection. 

I agree. Age is such a bad way to divide people, as there are so many things that influence who people are, meaning that people of a certain age won't have the same opinions and personalities as one another. The dividing of generations should be only related to age, and should not dictate who the person is or their opinions. 

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1 hour ago, Anaim said:

I agree. Age is such a bad way to divide people, as there are so many things that influence who people are, meaning that people of a certain age won't have the same opinions and personalities as one another. The dividing of generations should be only related to age, and should not dictate who the person is or their opinions. 

I like the Vee pfp! I fricking loved the character! :D

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Good advice!

I'm 26 myself and was aware of aromanticism when I was 13, and knew about things like asexuality a bit earlier. But I agree age demographics are starting to skew younger, and not just irt aromantic spaces. I think it has to do with a few things

  1. Increased awareness of different identities/orientations/etc
  2. A push away from social media and towards things like personal websites and forums (not like a mass exodus, but more younger people being interested in these things)
  3. Older members having gotten all their thoughts out, made all the posts they can think of, giving the advice they have, and then becoming less active for various reasons (life, moving towards more private spaces or friend groups, etc)

I've noticed this in other communities as well, and I can think of a few instances where I've been the young person moving in to "replace" older members who'd left

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