Being aromantic, what makes you feel different?

[Ted guy]

My biggest difference is "love is very specific".

People seem to pick partners at random. They ask them out, and it's usually yes unless they find them very unattractive.

That's mind boggling to me.

-------------

When I was growing up, I would turn down pretty girls. This led people constantly to claim I was gay.

After I found out I was aromantic, I realized I had hurt a lot of girls' feelings (without knowing it). I feel bad now.

They would think I was building a connection to them, but I really was just being nice. I didn't realize this made them feel a certain way.

I have no comprehension for these emotions. I just feel bad now.

 

[Keith]

Mostly not knowing what love feels like. Because even if I can pretend around my friends and family, that I do know the feeling, it's like I'm lying to myself, because I know that I won't be able to experience it, no matter how much I'd want to.

[EternallyTBD]

Watching all of my awesome friends start dating people and each other and wanting a connection but not feeling one. Though I guess I know if I ever had a chance to be in a romantic relationship I would probably turn it down. 

[Neon]

Probably my biggest "difference" is how I perceive romantic love. Until I learned about aromanticism, I assumed everyone was faking (and also hurt people inadvertently), and now I think people have a degree of hubris about romantic love, where they justify objectively bad choices by saying that love excuses it. That and a complete lack of interest in romance related things.

[Ted guy]

29 minutes ago, Neon said:

Probably my biggest "difference" is how I perceive romantic love. Until I learned about aromanticism, I assumed everyone was faking (and also hurt people inadvertently), and now I think people have a degree of hubris about romantic love, where they justify objectively bad choices by saying that love excuses it. That and a complete lack of interest in romance related things.

Yes! You and I are on the same page aboit that.

I find people make horrible romantic decisions and I don't understand them.

To me, you're picking the person you want to spend your life with.

To me , its critical you find something that lines up perfectly. Because if you let anyone be that person, the odds are things will go bad!!!!!

[Neon]

51 minutes ago, Ted guy said:

I find people make horrible romantic decisions and I don't understand them.

Even if there is mutual attraction on all sides, that doesn't mean that people are going to be compatible. They could be a bad fit based on things as small as wearing shoes in the house. People shouldn't stay together, or at least not follow the societal-norm path if they can't mesh easily.

[Apex]

On 11/13/2022 at 4:20 PM, Ted guy said:

People seem to pick partners at random. They ask them out, and it's usually yes unless they find them very unattractive.

That's mind boggling to me.

This is a big difference I feel too. I understand attraction for the most part but asking out people who are practically strangers is confusing. Like how you're supposed to get to know someone while dating. And then there are the times where you match with people on dating sites n stuff and suddenly they're really into you and gung-ho about dating even though they don't know you at all- and by you I mean me lol

On 11/13/2022 at 5:54 PM, Ted guy said:

I find people make horrible romantic decisions and I don't understand them.

This too! I really don't get why people will stay in a relationship that's obviously making them unhappy. If you don't like your partner anymore then break up with them. (I mean I think married couples and long-term partners should try to work through their issues, but if things go south after a year or two? hit the bricks)

Another difference I feel is just... the path that my life is on. I'm different from most of my friends because I'm not in a relationship. I'll have to make different decisions regarding things like money, housing, etc. unless I end up in a serious QPR. I love the idea of living with friends but I'm the only aro person I know, and everyone else seems to think of those situations as temporary until they find a romantic partner to move in with.

[Terra Branford]

What really confuses me is how people plan for things like marriage or to have a significant other. I have only been "interested" in ONE person my entire life. So the biggest different for me is people having a general desire and craving for romance. I have only craved when I met someone that I clicked with by chance. What also confuses me is when people are surprised that I don't date or seem to care about being in a relationship. They also project things on me like: Me eventually meeting someone/falling in love, me being in a relationship, getting married and having children. I honestly just don't get it because I don't see that happening for me AT ALL. I know how I feel when I like someone and I don't think I'll ever feel that way again. While everyone else plans to have families, I plan to be single with a pet or too. I also cannot relate to the fear of dying alone or not having anything to leave behind. Being grayro allows me to see the flaws and falsities in romance as well, so I don't get all sentimental when I see people get engaged or married like everyone else. 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Terra Branford

[night_sky_white_clouds]

Perhaps my perception of the World itself? I haven't been in relationships, I didn't get any confessions too and I somehow had been in an environment where I didn't get exposed to romance enough for me to notice. Probably because of this reason, my journey to self-discovery started with knowing the existence of romance, which I couldn't ever imagine, it seemed so unfamiliar and peculiar. I have to add this side to my image of humans in my mind....I'm still in the process of digesting it. I keep trying to find traces of those emotions and stimulations in myself to understand them despite knowing I can't really do that. I read romantic stories, hear my friends and others talk about it, express their feelings......everything about it feels so foreign, out of place. I have already accepted romance but when it comes to grounding myself in this reality, I'm still far from from it. I think this is the biggest difference I have, and probably many other aros too.

[whatistheromance]

WHAT THE FUCK IS ROMANTIC LOVE I DONT GET IT WHAT THE HELL AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

fr though i legit dont know what the hell people consider romantic attraction

[The Gray Warlock]

That would depend on the time of life you asked me that question. From early life til recently that answer would variously have been: confused about myself/others, frustrated with myself/others, left out, like an outcast, hopeless, like I'm broken. More recently, up until I discovered aromanticism it would be: resigned, resentful (alternately about my condition, or having been made to feel bad about it), defiant, sour grapes, accepting but still want to know why. After discovering aromanticism: relieved, that now I understand, that I can let go of old ideas and feelings and fully put that mental energy into things that really matter to me. At this moment: I realize I'm still processing and coming to terms. But at least I no longer feel there is something wrong with me.

[A User]

i am scared of romance.

not like "oooh romance bad no one fall in love ever" but like in a way that if someone had a crush on me i'd probably be sitting in bed stressing about what this could mean for days

it's so foreign to me in some ways

like, i've kinda gotten the gist now, but that took: a) research; b) a desperate attempt at asking the reddit population; and c) irl experiences

 

and also the fact that i dont think about it often unless im musing bout my lack thereof. i have hobbies and homework to do, im not gonna sit there thinking of stuff like that when there's a perfectly good book i haven't read yet or a TV series to rewatch or drawing ideas to make real

[roboticanary]

I find I notice how much romance is around and romantic love seen as a good thing.

One recent example, I was watching TV with my family and I noticed we had seen 5 adverts in a row that all used a happy family as a way to sell their product.

Or I now notice how much music is based on love, which I think a lot of aros bring up.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 12/29/2022 at 2:34 PM, A User said:

i am scared of romance.

not like "oooh romance bad no one fall in love ever" but like in a way that if someone had a crush on me i'd probably be sitting in bed stressing about what this could mean for days

it's so foreign to me in some ways

like, i've kinda gotten the gist now, but that took: a) research; b) a desperate attempt at asking the reddit population; and c) irl experiences

 

and also the fact that i dont think about it often unless im musing bout my lack thereof. i have hobbies and homework to do, im not gonna sit there thinking of stuff like that when there's a perfectly good book i haven't read yet or a TV series to rewatch or drawing ideas to make real

I experience this a lot as well.

I understand romantic attraction/relationships in a abstract way, or more accurately, in an alterous way since that's the only emotional attraction I've experienced - and how I had viewed what a romantic relationship meant to me for years, was what not only what a great friendship is technically, but also what can be considered a QPR too.

I also stressed out and feel overcome with anxiety over anyone liking me romantically, especially if it's someone I know, because I can't give that back to them.

[HelloThere]

15 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I experience this a lot as well.

I understand romantic attraction/relationships in a abstract way, or more accurately, in an alterous way since that's the only emotional attraction I've experienced - and how I had viewed what a romantic relationship meant to me for years, was what not only what a great friendship is technically, but also what can be considered a QPR too.

I also stressed out and feel overcome with anxiety over anyone liking me romantically, especially if it's someone I know, because I can't give that back to them.

Same here, I understand most of it intellectually but the purely emotional aspects of it that lead to stupid things just floor me. I mean flirting and risking all of your friendships for some person just doesn’t sound good. I know for a fact that I haven’t looked at anyone and thought “I wanna kiss this person”, I mean come on that’s disgusting, I just focused on the looks to see if I felt the need to engage with that person, I generally didn’t I just looked at that person a bit more than others. I’d love a QPR but I can barely make a friendship last, how could I make that happen? I don’t know if it’s just my lack of confidence, or not being good at communicating but I just can’t seem to do it, I absolutely despise that about myself. I meet people, I love to talk to them, and then I don’t act on it at all! Am I just lazy? Do I have adhd or something? I mean I really am concerned about that, I talk excessively, I interrupt, I butt into conversations, I try to talk in a conversation but if something piques my interest I completely dominate the conversation. My mind is either always on fire, or I’m fidgeting. I constantly get distracted, I’m on my phone far more than I intend, I forget absolutely everything in school from assignments to due dates. I even got told by a doctor that some medicine I took as a kid, and my reaction to it was a clear sign of adhd, but I feel like that shouldn’t be the case right? I mean what would that mean for me? I originally wouldn’t take anything even if it was true but honestly what it’s doing to my ability to even continue friendships and focus just makes me wanna change my mind! I’m even ranting right now, which already says a lot! I’m sorry, I just need a minute, I don’t have any issues I just feel like crap, that’s all.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

2 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Same here, I understand most of it intellectually but the purely emotional aspects of it that lead to stupid things just floor me. I mean flirting and risking all of your friendships for some person just doesn’t sound good. I know for a fact that I haven’t looked at anyone and thought “I wanna kiss this person”, I mean come on that’s disgusting, I just focused on the looks to see if I felt the need to engage with that person, I generally didn’t I just looked at that person a bit more than others. I’d love a QPR but I can barely make a friendship last, how could I make that happen? I don’t know if it’s just my lack of confidence, or not being good at communicating but I just can’t seem to do it, I absolutely despise that about myself. I meet people, I love to talk to them, and then I don’t act on it at all! Am I just lazy? Do I have adhd or something? I mean I really am concerned about that, I talk excessively, I interrupt, I butt into conversations, I try to talk in a conversation but if something piques my interest I completely dominate the conversation. My mind is either always on fire, or I’m fidgeting. I constantly get distracted, I’m on my phone far more than I intend, I forget absolutely everything in school from assignments to due dates. I even got told by a doctor that some medicine I took as a kid, and my reaction to it was a clear sign of adhd, but I feel like that shouldn’t be the case right? I mean what would that mean for me? I originally wouldn’t take anything even if it was true but honestly what it’s doing to my ability to even continue friendships and focus just makes me wanna change my mind! I’m even ranting right now, which already says a lot! I’m sorry, I just need a minute, I don’t have any issues I just feel like crap, that’s all.

All of that sounds really frustrating, and I relate to it because of me being neurodivergent, but that doesn't have to mean that you are. I'm not interested in QPRs, but if I were I would find more relatability in your frustration in wanting to be able to maintain that type of relationship if you were to require one. I don't have much advice on being able to try to start or maintain a QPR, all I can say is that I hear you and feel you. Your feelings are valid, you shouldn't despise yourself in the regards of communication or confidence, but I understand your feelings.

[HelloThere]

7 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

All of that sounds really frustrating, and I relate to it because of me being neurodivergent, but that doesn't have to mean that you are. I'm not interested in QPRs, but if I were I would find more relatability in your frustration in wanting to be able to maintain that type of relationship if you were to require one. I don't have much advice on being able to try to start or maintain a QPR, all I can say is that I hear you and feel you. Your feelings are valid, you shouldn't despise yourself in the regards of communication or confidence, but I understand your feelings.

I do know that I might just be a bad communicator, but if I’m right or wrong about that, both ways suck. I just genuinely hate a lot of my personality, and it just makes me feel worse about the future. I don’t want to feel alone or be alone, I want to have friends, to game it out and be there for others when they need. It’s just that how I deal with friendships irl absolutely sucks, I deal with it by not dealing with it. I mean I really want those to work but even in them it feels like I have to force myself to go to activities with friends, like I should be more excited about things. I really hope that this is all just manageable but I don’t know how to do so. 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

2 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I do know that I might just be a bad communicator, but if I’m right or wrong about that, both ways suck. I just genuinely hate a lot of my personality, and it just makes me feel worse about the future. I don’t want to feel alone or be alone, I want to have friends, to game it out and be there for others when they need. It’s just that how I deal with friendships irl absolutely sucks, I deal with it by not dealing with it. I mean I really want those to work but even in them it feels like I have to force myself to go to activities with friends, like I should be more excited about things. I really hope that this is all just manageable but I don’t know how to do so. 

Maybe try to look at resources, videos, or talk with people who could relate and have worked through their issues in communication or in acting on their friendships (an idea could be starting a topic here or on any other forum). It could be a very good starting point, since I wouldn't know how to go about this even though I have my own problems with friendships. But also, as far as I know you, I like our common grounds and how philosophical and in-depth you make conversations. You're smart and some of your interests I also have interest in and you're easy to talk to.

[HelloThere]

2 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Maybe try to look at resources, videos, or talk with people who could relate and have worked through their issues in communication or in acting on their friendships (an idea could be starting a topic here or on any other forum). It could be a very good starting point, since I wouldn't know how to go about this even though I have my own problems with friendships. But also, as far as I know you, I like our common grounds and how philosophical and in-depth you make conversations. You're smart and some of your interests I also have interest in and you're easy to talk to.

I’ll try and see what I can do. And on that last part I tend to disagree.

4 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Maybe try to look at resources, videos, or talk with people who could relate and have worked through their issues in communication or in acting on their friendships (an idea could be starting a topic here or on any other forum). It could be a very good starting point, since I wouldn't know how to go about this even though I have my own problems with friendships. But also, as far as I know you, I like our common grounds and how philosophical and in-depth you make conversations. You're smart and some of your interests I also have interest in and you're easy to talk to.

Wait, is this how allos freak out over being single? Oh gosh I feel bad for them.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

13 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Wait, is this how allos freak out over being single? Oh gosh I feel bad for them.

I would think so?