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lacking QPR fxf roll models

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I realized today... when I am trying to model a relationship... I do not have anyone to think of. there just aren't any aro/ace relationships in pop culture (movies, shows, comics) at all! and on top of that, the lesbian relationships are so few! it is always a boy and a girl paired up looking cute. whenever I see a cute girl, I just... can't help but feel like I would not be someone she'd wanna get close enough to... she'd always have some guy she's crushing on or some guy she's with. who I can't compare to. 

 

I guess... that I am just so jealous when I see a cute girl.. because I have nothing she'd want. no feelings of romance, no desire for sex. and when I look to movies and shows and stuff for a roll model to imagine a girl I might some day meet... even when it is a girlxgirl relationship, it's either about emotional drama and longing and love and sappy crap, or it's about sex. 

 

if I try to imagine what a QPR might be like, with a cute girl in mind, she is always a romantic girl and I am struggling to keep her happy. and she's going to cuddle with me like I see in cute comics, but then I'm not this protective man with calm serenity, I'm the same excitable emotional wreck she is, and so she wants someone who isn't me. 

 

but then I wonder if I even want such relationships I see.. ones where there are "rolls" and stereotypes... I just want to hang out and live life like I do know, but with someone to share my thoughts with, to cuddle when sad, and to eat food with because that gives a feel of a meal instead of just slobbing down nutrition. but I just can't picture that, and have nothing external I can look at and relate to. 

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I actually find the lack of a role model liberating. One of the things I hated about romantic relationships (back when I was still trying to date), was that there were too many role models. I felt like I was constricted in every single romantic relationship, because I had to take the other person on dates, or I had to give them gifts on Valentine's Day, or I had to act a certain way with them...I felt like I was putting on a performance. 

 

I'm not formally in a QPR, but I currently have a mutual squish, who is ace, and possibly aro. Because there's no fear of either of us developing romantic feelings for each other, and no expectation about how the way our friendship should work, we can be as intimate as we want, when we want. We get to define everything without worrying about social norms that many role models would otherwise impose on us. We are our own role models. And I think that's kinda cool.

 

Also, speaking as someone who has multiple squishes, and is at varying levels of intimacy with each one, I think there's not really a generic QPR model that fits everyone. I think a QPR should be tailored to the needs of the people involved. So for me, it's hard to even imagine a QPR unless I already have a squish whom I want to be in a QPR with first.

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there is a thread on AVEN in the romantic section called something along queerplatonic bla bla bla. where it mention some qpr or qpr shipping in various movies and series.

 

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@Natkat I think you're referring to the QPRs in fiction thread. It's rather limited and mostly of a "well, if you squint and tilt your head just the right way, this could be seen as queerplatonic" nature because canon QPRs are so scarce as to be practically nonexistent, but it's something.

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I thought the female friendship model seen in 'Sex and the City' has become quite popular in romcoms. The women involved are usually hetero, so there's no romance between them, but they're selfless and close enough as friends, and they even value each other more than their ever-changing male 'meat'.

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I feel conflicted because I sort of agree with @omitef in that straight relationships are so over represented that they feel like you're following a script and that would suck if applied to qpr's. But I also feel like having a couple of examples that you can point at and be like "we're like JD and Turk. Not in love, just really close" makes you feel a lot less alone and hopeless. Whenever I get a squish and inevitably start imagining what a qpr might look like I write it off because it's too complicated, they wouldn't be interested or they'd get the wrong idea. If we had just a little bit of representation then you could go "no I don't want a romantic relationship with you, but I was thinking of something more along the lines of x relationship".

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I see the main problem here is that you're looking too much in to pop culture. If you and someone else decide to do something, make it your own and fuck what everyone else thinks or says.

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no. the main problem is that I want something. and I don't have it. 

 

I want to be able to look at the culture around me and have reassurance that the things I wish to have are feasible. but there is nothing that gives me any faith that hoping for a friend-partner is realistic remotely. so instead I feel like I need to push my loneliness aside and learn how to pretend like it isn't there. 

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There are a few, let me think.

 

There was this movie called Heavenly Creatures. That had some really intense female friendship...so intense it had to be demonised. Because you know. Dark ages. Anything "too homo" had to be put into a negative perspective. And it was really really gay for a friendship, at least it did seem that way to young teen me.

But yeah, it has girls in an intense friendship.

 

The Runaways was also hella queer in a friendship way. Plus, casting Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett did not make it any straighter...

 

Ghost World? That had similar themes.

 

The women in Mad Max the Fury Road? I know, it was a forced alliance out of desperation but they seemed to be protecting each other quite strongly.

 

The two ladies in The Help?

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Just wanted to say hi and that even if you don't see any good examples in media, we do exist.

 

I have a qpp and a friend who is a qpp in all but name, and we're all girls. It's possible, promise. My qpp is a lesbian ace, I'm a lesbian aro, and the best friend is a dark gray aro/ace pan; we all prioritize and care about each other over everything else.

 

For a very long time I thought that this wasn't possible or realistic, that romantics will always leave you for their romantic interests--or else make you one of the romantic interests--but it's not true. It's hard to find people who are open to this, harder to find people who you want to build a life with and who want to build a life with you. But it's possible, and it's worth it. The loneliness hurts so much, and the fear of it will be with you for a long time, but you won't be lonely forever, and what you want is possible and realistic. I promise.

 

Even if society thinks you don't have a future where you can be happy in a qpr, even if you don't, I promise: you can. :hugs:

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