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Did your want for a relationship change when you started identifying as Aro?


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I used to identify as biromantic, and back then I really wanted to find a relationship. (That's part of how I realized I was aro. I wanted a relationship, but realized I wasn't attracted to the people around me and never was before.)

But now that I've identified as aromantic for a little bit, that part of me that wanted a relationship kind of died down. I don't know why.. maybe it has to do with me realizing what I wanted was actually something other than romance or something like that.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? 

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Yep, I was 30 when I first learned about aromanticism, so before that I was sort of waiting for that magical spark that everyone was talking about. Which meant that almost every new person I met was a potential romantic interest (maybe this is finally ‘the one?’)

Since I realised that I’m aromantic, a huge weight has been lifted from me. New people I meet are potential new friends now :)

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22 hours ago, Nix said:

waiting for that magical spark that everyone was talking about

I totally relate to waiting to feel that spark!  I feel like there is something liberating about realizing that you don't have to wait to feel anything. Since discovering I am aroace I have come to two realizations. One that some of my desire for a relationship probably comes back to my feelings of loneliness and wanting more friends more than anything. Two is that the ideal type of relationship I want would likely be a QPR. 

Edited by FragileDear
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My desire actually increased after I learnt I was arospec. When I expressed my angst in not having one, people would say "Just get a QPR instead!" but I didn't want one like that because I was aplatonic (not that I knew that was a word at the time), it made me feel like some kind of monster who wasn't really aro for even thinking of wanting one. And I still feel that burden today. 

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21 hours ago, Lovebird said:

My desire actually increased after I learnt I was arospec. When I expressed my angst in not having one, people would say "Just get a QPR instead!" but I didn't want one like that because I was aplatonic (not that I knew that was a word at the time), it made me feel like some kind of monster who wasn't really aro for even thinking of wanting one. And I still feel that burden today. 

Do you mean that your desire increased because you feel you ‘have to’ have some sort of relationship to be considered really aro? If it helps you to know, I also don’t want a QPR. I love hanging out with my friends and I feel really connected to them, but I do not feel any desire to be in a QPR with any of them. And I am really comfortable with the aromantic label. I guess I am trying to say that you are the one that decides what being aro means to you.

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3 hours ago, Nix said:

Do you mean that your desire increased because you feel you ‘have to’ have some sort of relationship to be considered really aro? If it helps you to know, I also don’t want a QPR. I love hanging out with my friends and I feel really connected to them, but I do not feel any desire to be in a QPR with any of them. And I am really comfortable with the aromantic label. I guess I am trying to say that you are the one that decides what being aro means to you.

"I feel like a monster" as in, for being greyro yet experiencing more romantic attraction than platonic attraction. Because I once saw someone say that anyone who does that is "some kind of psychopath" or "obviously faking it" and it's got me wondering if I am actually welcome in aro spaces.  

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Yeah, same.  It took a few time, but I stopped looking for a boyfriend. I think that's because I never really wanted one anyway : I wanted children so what I was looking for was a father for them, and that was my criteria for a good boyfriend, the fact that he has good genes lol.

Anyway it stopped now because as I said, I was not really desiring a romantic partner. Being aro made me realize that, so the "want" disappeared when I became confident in my identity.

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7 hours ago, Lovebird said:

"I feel like a monster" as in, for being greyro yet experiencing more romantic attraction than platonic attraction. Because I once saw someone say that anyone who does that is "some kind of psychopath" or "obviously faking it" and it's got me wondering if I am actually welcome in aro spaces.  

Oh wow, that person was being really rude! We are all different people and atraction is a very wide spectrum. So telling someone they ‘don’t belong’ or ‘are faking it’ is just bad behaviour. I’m really sorry you had to hear that, but I hope you feel very welcome here.

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  • 1 month later...

In terms of a romantic relationship, I basically went “oh I don’t have to deal with that now?  Nice.” (proceeds to carry on with my life)

But still trying to figure out what sort of relationships I want other than romantic and with who.  I tried out so many idea and did so much research, but by now I’ve sort of accepted the fact that I’ll figure it out eventually, for now I can just live.  I’m just gonna go with the flow :]

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  • 4 weeks later...

Used to be sure I wanted a romantic relationship but now I'm not sure. Still figuring things out, it's just a "maybe" for me right now.

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Honestly, I've come to realize I could be equally happy with or without a partner of any kind.

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Yes. I always felt that i had to think about being in a relationship/getting married, because that’s what everyone does and that’s what you’re supposed to do in your 20’s. So i felt so much pressure and force to desire it, especially because 1 already when i was a teenager i didn’t wanted to have children and 2 i felt more attracted towards fictional characters. I thought that all of that would change when i found the right person, but why do that when i’m not romantically or sexually attracted towards people irl? Because i thought it was a norm for a woman to get married and have children. When i found out i was aromantic/asexual(at 22), i were so happy to know that i don’t have to desire relationships/marriage or sex with people irl, i don’t have to be the traditional woman who gets married and have children and i’m also very happy and grateful being single and childfree. Many people might not understand why i don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction, they might not understand why i don’t wanna get married or have children and they might even pressure or questioning why i don’t want these things. But i don’t care cause it’s my life, my choice and my sexuality. 

 

I don’t look down on people who gets married/are in a relationship. But i don’t want any of these.

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I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I got close to being in a romantic relationship, even when I was exploring the label for myself. I sometimes want a romantic relationship, but I also feel like what I really want is a QPR. At the moment, I don't know. I think I mostly just want someone to love me romantically, even if I couldn't love them in that way. It's weird and maybe I'll grow out of it, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be in a QPR later in life, I certainly don't know if I will be or not.

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never wanted romance a lot anyways, bein aro only makes me more confident in saying so

i was always (and still am) more invested in fictional characters than actual people tbh

somehow fiction has warped my sense of romance forever

somewhere in a tiny corner of my brain, im convinced that dating is a fictional concept (why include in fiction content then? huh?) so im always mildly surprised when ppl talk about dates and stuff

i just need lots of loving friends and family to always have my back honestly

 

romance is temporary, platonic love is forever

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