i’m aromantic but sad i can’t fall in love

[ash li]

i know it sounds strange lol. it’s the fact that i don’t experience romantic attraction, but i feel like i’m missing out on something. i watched cavetown’s vid where he revealed (??? sounds dramatic lmao) that he’s aro-spec n the way he deals w this is by viewing platonic relationships and romantic relationships as equal instead of romance being a step up, but i can’t get rid of this feeling that i’m missing out.

especially because i luv the concept of love. like to such an extent i’ve cried nonstop over this. i remember i once had a bf (who was toxic but let’s not talk abt that rn) and i got w him as a way to “force” myself to be alloro, n when it broke off because (of his toxicity and) the fact i felt nothing, i couldn’t stop crying because i felt like i failed. like romance was a simple easy goal i failed. is this normal lol

[Blake]

Hello there ash li, I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. To answer your question simple yet incomplete, it is normal. But then you have to ask yourself what is normal, and then if normal for me is normal for you, because you are seeing it as society wants you to see it, and that is with one eye blind. You don't have to be normal, normal is overrated. You can be you, and you didn't choose to be aromantic anymore than a flower decided to bloom, it just did. Ask yourself if you want to fight against what you are, or would you rather accept what you are and continue on following the misty road of life. I know that you feel broken, and that you are missing out, but that doesn;t mean that it is completely true, cuz you will miss out whatever the future is holding when you die, or you have missed out the first 4 billion year of the universe :3. What I am trying to say is that it is ok to miss out of things, because we are only one drop of water in an ocean, maybe you will move through some places, but you won't be able to be in all places.

So yeah, it is ok to miss out, because then you can experience things differently. Also, being in a relationship that was toxic is something I can somewhat relate to, so it is ok, now it is over and that is what matters. You can search here about amatonormativity, it may bring you some light. And something that I can tell you is that even though you feel broken, you aren't. You are you, the same way that I am me. Comparing yourself with something puts value in you, and you are invaluable ^^. Cheers mate and hope I helped you a bit.

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 6/23/2020 at 9:08 PM, ash li said:

but i can’t get rid of this feeling that i’m missing out.

I used to have this feeling too. I think a lot of the 'missing out' comes from seeing the best parts of other people's relationships without seeing the boring or bad bits. So the internal desire for a relationship isn't even a really realistic one. luckily (I guess?) my messy internalised toxicity and amatonormativity had certain windows of importance in it's own messed up framework, so once I missed the 'teen romance' stage it was fairly easy to drop the whole idea of a romantic relationship and not be worried. That is just what I went through, so depending on what has influenced you you will probably have a very different experience. 

That probably wasn't that helpful (sorry). Basically I actively choose to identify and blame pervasive amatonormativity for many things that I see as failings or brokenness within myself. For example I read someone's experience of discovering agender because they thought romantic love was part and parcel of being a 'woman' (forgive me, I can't find the article), while I still identify as a woman because I feel that romantic love is a amatonormative filter put onto femaleness.  

[DeltaAro]

I don't really like the concept of romantic love overall. The only aspect which I like in isolation is it being romantic as in "the romantic era", i.e. placing intense emotion above rationality.

To name only the most off-putting thing about romantic love: it's usually gendered (the attraction is restricted to people of the "right gender") and then ON TOP OF THIS it is experienced and conceptualized as the most wonderful and loftiest feeling of all to the point of giving it a spiritual dimension.

Edited June 30, 2020 by DeltaV

[aro_elise]

yes, it's normal, particularly in the early stages of the journey of identifying and living as an aromantic person.  i also dated someone to try to be allo, and cried when we broke up, but out of relief.  but i do remember thinking that since he was so great, if it didn't happen with him (romantic attraction/enjoyable romantic relationship), it wouldn't happen with anyone.  like that was the test, and the results were in.  i must echo you and the others by saying that you should continue to be aware of amatonormativity and the opportunities for happiness outside of romance, and i believe that when you're happy with your life because it makes sense for you, the lack of romance in it will seem like one of many positives, rather than a negative.  however, if you are genuinely interested in aspects of romantic relationships such as dates, physical and/or emotional closeness, or whatever, it is possible to have that with someone who understands that you're not romantically attracted to them, and isn't to you either, if that's something which would make you more comfortable--it is for me.  sometimes people ask me what my ideal relationship would look like, and i say it's not so much about what it would look like from the outside, or what activities it would involve/exclude (to some extent, sure), but how it would feel.  if it's that you want to actually experience romantic attraction, i suppose you know you just have to find peace with the probability that you won't.  i hope you do find that; it's a great feeling.

[DeltaAro]

On 6/25/2020 at 3:07 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

That probably wasn't that helpful (sorry). Basically I actively choose to identify and blame pervasive amatonormativity for many things that I see as failings or brokenness within myself. For example I read someone's experience of discovering agender because they thought romantic love was part and parcel of being a 'woman' (forgive me, I can't find the article), while I still identify as a woman because I feel that romantic love is a amatonormative filter put onto femaleness.  

Since aromanticism feels so normal to me, aro women on average don't stick out compared to other women in any way. I mean, if I hear "X is aromantic" I don't get* an instinctive reaction of "Whaaat?" when it's revealed that X is a woman.

Never imagined that someone would identify as agender because of aromanticism. But yes, online you often see those two together...

Spoiler

* can't say that about some other things. Like recently I saw a clip of a room cleanup. The tenant was described as an alcoholic bicycle thief and left the flat in a horrific state and full of mountain bikes. And then ... "Whaaat? Did they say 'she'?"

 

[Apathetic Echidna]

16 hours ago, DeltaV said:

online you often see those two together...

I had never thought of them being linked until I read that article, which I think was an entry for the carnival of aros 'gender' month but has been deleted(?). Though now it has got me wondering about how other people have come to identify as agender, whether they feel there is a link or not. But...maybe I'm just biased in my thoughts because the first time I came out to friends in person there was a flat denial that women could be aromantic....... 

[Guest JoRiley]

I know how you feel, cuz I've tried several romantic relationships and the first one I didn't know I was aro but I felt really really guilty after breaking up for not being able to like him as much as I wanted to and as much as he wanted me to. Now knowing that I'm (probably) aro, I still feel guilty because the idea of that relationship was so wonderful and happy that I'm sad that I couldn't fulfill it even for myself (much less for him), but more than guilty I feel overwhelmingly relieved that there is at least an explanation for why I was never able to like him as much, even tho i'm not super happy that's how it is for me lol. Especially because I love love, and I love watching romantic movies.

The way I get around this sadness is by (like others have said) focusing on the love that I can feel, that does fulfill me, and that I can express to others--platonic love. I love love, and I love loving my friends, even if it's not always the same way as in the romantic movies. Like cavetown, it helps me to view romance and friendship on separate ladders of intensity so that I can potentially reach the highest intensity of friendship without needing to go further to achieve an emotion I don't feel (romance). I also like applying romantic terms and actions to my friendships, which makes me feel a little better--cuddling, handholding, being 'romantic' with my friends knowing that neither of us have romantic feelings. I'm trying hard to hold both this sadness, guilt, and FOMO lol, and also this joy and capability for better/healthier loves.

I wish you the best my friend <3

[CloudlegtheVolcano]

I feel you. I often find myself just wishing I could feel something, which in turn makes me feel like I’m not aro enough. I feel like I almost procrastinated in truly realizing that yes, I am aro, because I didn’t (and still don’t) know whether I really want to be. (Which of course doesn’t matter as it isn’t a choice, but I was almost waiting for a sign that I wasn’t and holding on to that “what if”).

[Rolo]

I went through a period of that too back when I first figured it out. I love romance; I enjoy romantic films, I read loads of romance novels, I ship my favourite characters... Realising that these things I enjoy so much in fantasy are not going to be things I ever experience myself was a blow. The FOMO was strong, especially with a culture so steeped in this message that romantic love is the best thing is the world, the thing everyone is and should be aiming for, "It's better to have loved and lost that to never have loved at all" ? 

It took a little while, but I got over it. Pushing myself to try out relationships quickly made me realise that however much I loved reading about and imagining romantic relationships for other [fictional] people the reality of it made me miserable. I realised I was no more "missing out" by not falling in [romantic] love than I was "missing out" by not being a sports fan.

[GhostyPeppers]

I constantly switch back and forth between "I don't need romance to be happy, I have great friends for that!!" and "I am so alone and sad,, I wanna share a bed with someone and make out and aaaaa-", so I totally get it. Its also hard when you try talking to an allo person and they treat your aromanticism like it is a choice and not simply something you have zero control over. I never felt happy forcing myself into relationships, nor do I always feel happy not having them at all because my brain was conditioned to believe that romance was the ultimate source of happiness. But they'll always be like "maybe you just haven't found the right person yet" or "I know you've been heartbroken in the past so I understand your choice to not be in relationships anymore" like?? I cannot control the aromantic in me, I literally cannot. I've tried for years and its only caused me problems.

So yeah anyway TL;DR: 

I completely relate to your experience as a rom-positive aro person. We can get through this together

[Mark]

On 6/27/2020 at 2:14 PM, DeltaV said:

To name only the most off-putting thing about romantic love: it's usually gendered (the attraction is restricted to people of the "right gender") and then ON TOP OF THIS it is experienced and conceptualized as the most wonderful and loftiest feeling of all to the point of giving it a spiritual dimension.

What matters to me is that so many activities are romantic coded.

 

[Atom]

I often feel really sad when thinking about not being able to fall in love, I looked up if it was normal and this was the first thing to pop up. I don't have those feeling towards people but I love the concept on having someone to love and love you back, in a non platonic way but everytime I think of myself in that situation it doesn't feel right. I feel immense guilt when I realise my mom will not get to see me go out on dates or get married or any if that, I get the feeling of missing out too, everyone around me talks about people they like, acting and I'm over here like "I don't get how you feel that way" and I feel like im missing out on valentines or when people talk about how amazing it is to feel that way but I'm trying to put it in my brain that I don't have to feel that way and it's alright, I'm not broken.