Is FWB common?

[BlueKumul]

In your experience, is friends with benefits a common arrangement? I mean, actual close friends having sex without getting into a romantic relationship.

[NullVector]

I haven't known anyone get into a relationship like this (including myself). So, no, not common IME.

[Holmbo]

I don't know anyone who practice it. But on the other hand people who have this arrangement might not be open about it for fear of judgment.

I would guess for most it would be a temporary thing. Two friends getting together now and then when they're both single.

[nonmerci]

Once I see a TV program (in French) who invites people who has or had their kind of relationship. That's a show where people explain their life choices (understand : where they have to justify themselves in front of narrow-minded people). I recall two people in particular. One was complaining because the his FWBs he had (two if I remember) ended up having romantic feelings and wanted a romantic relationships, while he does not (I don't know if he was aro or not) The other person had a it easier, it never happened to her; but it was something she does only when she is single. She and her FWB stopped having sex when one of them started dating. So I think they saw it as a way to have sex when they are not in couple, and not as a relationship to pursue in itself.

Anyway, the fact that the subject came in this programm just shows how much society still see this as weird and not common. But it's not a serious programm, so of course it's hard to come with any conclusion.

[eatingcroutons]

.

Edited September 1, 2021 by eatingcroutons

[SJB]

I know people that have true friendships with people which include sex yes.

 

[Apathetic Echidna]

Over the years several of my friends have been in hookup relationships, I hesitate to call them FWB because outside of the bedroom they weren't friends. Only one friend did it longterm, and she was friends with him to a certain extent, but I never met him because they decided to keep their friend circles separate. Maybe it helped keep the relationship 'less real' or something to avoid catching feelings, I don't know. 

[chairdesklamp]

I dunno how common this is, but I've seen it a few times and I've read idealised versions in fiction. Alloromantics don't seem to handle this well from what little I've seen, because the whole "sex must be love, and even though I just said I love U2's music literally five minutes ago because this is English, now the only kind of love is romantic love no other love exists my good family can rot." Which there's also the whole Puritanical backwards views on sex. You have to want it but it's also bad. In real life, I've seen this devolve into fights (you both agreed to this!) because A is angry B feels the same as they both said they did and is not develop romantic feelings. And in fiction, A sulks or whatever and B develops romantic feelings if it's happy, and if not it's a bad ending and B is bad, not A, who changed it. A is pure and above reproach. 

I ideally, though not a must, want something close to that, although I'm cupiosexual, and sometimes there's the ace block there, so the emphasis would be on the "F" (which yanno, very few alloros believe in friendship) I.... Yeah, I wouldn't try it with an alloro. 

Do keep in mind the real life I've seen is all 15+ years old. These days, peers are generally married,  usually with kids (I do know a happily childless couple) with the occasional divorcee who's just done but alloro. So these days, for today's people who aren't married yet but want to be, it could be different, but I'm still seeing other commenters say it's still considered temporary for alloros. (Which wouldn't appeal to me either because I play all my close bonds for keeps. I don't like when friendships end/are thrown away because alloros think you're only ever supposed to talk to your partner)

And this is a huge reason why we need things like LGBT centre meetup groups. 

[ndxodn]

I've never had a relationship that felt more than fwb. I've had a few where we actually were friends, hang out with each other in nonsexual ways, helped each other when we needed it. It sometimes ended with breaking contact, but often we stayed platonic friends when they fell in romantic love or found mono relationships.

I often find polyamorous people are open to it, and understand the concept. My current fwb has a fiance who he is in romantic relationship and I'm just a close friend who he has sex with. And we all are happy with this arrangement.

Sadly, fwb are often seen as just sex and no friendship and men lie they understand it same way as me. I'm also tired of them seeing it as sth to patch a hole inbetween monorelationships. These things have a name and it's called fuck buddies.

[Blake]

It depends of the culture, at least that is what I think. If you where raised in a very religious environment from an early age, then you are more likely to view fwb and fuck buddies as something bad. Which isn't the case ofc, it is just two persons sharing their time to do activities, and one of those activities is sex, but it can include go to eat together, beaches, coffee dates (which are my faves). If you where raised in a less strict environment, more open minded, then you may see fwb very differently.

It all falls to what kind of feed you where given, and if you where not taught to question what you are told. If you think outside what society tells you, and follow what you think is the right choice, then you will see that you have choices. Sadly, not everyone has the luxury to stand up and give their opinion, without risking exposing themselves to a dangerous situation.

So yeah, maybe in US is less common to see a fwb than it is in Germany or Australia. but it is linked to a social environment, and the tolerance of society in that place. Personally, i am looking for one, but the pandemic is making it impossible, so I will have to wait till we can have a social life again to start the search. And then, find that person who doesn't want romance (which will be hard but I ain't giving up easily).

[DeltaAro]

1 hour ago, Blake said:

It depends of the culture, at least that is what I think. If you where raised in a very religious environment from an early age, then you are more likely to view fwb and fuck buddies as something bad. Which isn't the case ofc, it is just two persons sharing their time to do activities, and one of those activities is sex, but it can include go to eat together, beaches, coffee dates (which are my faves). If you where raised in a less strict environment, more open minded, then you may see fwb very differently.

Still the original question was about close friends who have sex, and I really don't have ever heard of that.

The topic is very sensitive and honest information isn't easy to get.

Still, people straight-forwardly told me about non-serious flings and basically booty-call relationships.

[ndxodn]

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

Still the original question was about close friends who have sex, and I really don't have ever heard of that.

The topic is very sensitive and honest information isn't easy to get.

Still, people straight-forwardly told me about non-serious flings and basically booty-call relationships.

I currently have this! We are really close, we like to meet together or with other people and just have fun, we have restaurant dates, but we also fit perfectly in bedroom and have lots of sex.

 

[DeltaAro]

22 minutes ago, ndxodn said:

I currently have this! We are really close, we like to meet together or with other people and just have fun, we have restaurant dates, but we also fit perfectly in bedroom and have lots of sex.

Very nice. I should've added: not on aro related social media. On this board I've already seen it once before.

[ndxodn]

6 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

Very nice. I should've added: not on aro related social media. On this board I've already seen it once before.

I've seen it lots of times in local poly group so I guess poly people are more open to talking about it

[Blake]

3 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Still the original question was about close friends who have sex, and I really don't have ever heard of that.

The topic is very sensitive and honest information isn't easy to get.

Still, people straight-forwardly told me about non-serious flings and basically booty-call relationships.

True there I got sidetracked. Well I don't know anyone who is in this situation but I want to believe it may be more common than we think. Just that it not a theme that is out so easily in a convo. That requires a lot of trust to speak about your sexual life with a friend. Also, the definition of a close friend varies from people to people. A close friend for me is someone I would give my liver for, nothing less than that. The problem is that from what I have read here, people tend to develop romantic feelings after a while, which brings to question the time lapse from the question. Just how much can a relationship last between someone in the aro-spec and someone who isn't there and that person who isn't aro-spec doesn't develop romantic feelings. Cuz I am interpreting it that the close friend isn't inside the spectrum. (I don't know anyone who is aro-spec irl)