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cowgirl326

Weird situation

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Ok- I'm aromantic and find dating repulsive.

 

Recently, someone I've known on Facebook for years prior, has begun to "pursue" (I'm trying to use it loosely) me as some romantic relationship.

I have more than one problem with this..

 

1- He's romantic and longs for TheOne (TM)

2- He's attracted toward me in more than platonic way, despite being okay with just being friends. 

3- He's mentioning romantic type things in every other conversation- so I'm already trending toward responding in a "Get away from me!" type of attitude. 

4- He's autistic. Now, this isn't against autistic people, but having to explain how I feel every single conversation- for nuerotypical * (almost- I've had depression and OCD in the past) me, it reads like an invasion of privacy. 

5- Religion seems to pop up in every other conversation, getting borderline preachy. (I'm agnostic/atheist- nothing against religious beliefs itself- but when it gets all preachy- the Christian equivalent would be akin to me telling my Christian friends that Ostara will bless them... :/ ) 

6- Misunderstanding "Aromantic" as "Not being ready" :(>:( . I laid it out plain as day that I find dating etc repulsive, but go figure in our heteronormative society, he, deep down, most likely sees it as a phase. ^_^:(

 

I'm not against staying platonic friends, but all these issues aren't worth making it anything more. I've also begun to question if I'm really heterosexual, or am I asexual? I'm comfortable with myself either way. This post might've answered some of my own questions, but I thought I'd put it out there. Ohh, complications....

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First and foremost, be honest with him. It sounds like you already are. But, there's no reason to pretend like you might be interested, or to avoid his advances. He needs to hear a firm no.

 

I've never been in a situation like yours before, as it's easier being a male to just not chase after women. But if he keeps putting you in uncomfortable situations, then it might be best to stay away from him as much as possible. If he has a real crush on you, then that gets stoked every time he sees you. So, more time apart should help his feelings fade.

 

If he persists and you've told him to go away, and you just don't feel comfortable around him, then it's time to get friends and family involved to keep him away.

 

I hope that helps!

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Thankfully, it's only a Facebook relationship- so I've gone on and unfollowed and muted the conversation. Sorry, but that's what you get for being an egotistical jerk who doesn't know what the word "No" means (and possibly using his autism as an excuse :/ that's really low..(if that's even the case)

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I would be tempted to offer my advice as someone with autism/aspergers, but since I have no experience with romance and little experience even with platonic friendship I am probably not very qualified. So instead I'd like to offer my sympathy.

(On the matter of his autism explaining or excusing him not getting it, I can't speak for autistic people in general but I find it really ironic for someone with autism to not get the idea of another person having different emotional drives. I mean, having a limited understanding of how other people think is one thing, but not getting the fact that they think differently to begin with is another thing entirely.)

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4 minutes ago, EveryZig said:

 

(On the matter of his autism explaining or excusing him not getting it, I can't speak for autistic people in general but I find it really ironic for someone with autism to not get the idea of another person having different emotional drives. I mean, having a limited understanding of how other people think is one thing, but not getting the fact that they think differently to begin with is another thing entirely.)

 

Same. I'm probably going to block him. I've tried telling him more than once, and he doesn't understand what being repulsed by romance even means. (and more so on how I don't want to be preached at) 

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Unfortunately I've discovered that for some people, especially men, just saying "no" isn't enough (and I think it's less to do with mental condition, and more to do with male entitlement). I think you made the right move to leave the conversation, and I would encourage you to block him. I've had to do that with two other neurotypical guys. Adults, no less, when I was a minor. -.-

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Blocked him completely. Even a mutual friend agreed. I don't need this negativity in my life. 

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5 hours ago, cowgirl326 said:

6- Misunderstanding "Aromantic" as "Not being ready" :(>:( . I laid it out plain as day that I find dating etc repulsive, but go figure in our heteronormative society, he, deep down, most likely sees it as a phase. ^_^:(

 

I've heard alloromantics use terms like "not ready for" or "don't have time for" a "relationship(tm)". IMHO this is more amatonormativity than heteronormativity. Accepting that we actually arn't interested in romantic relationships must be difficult and scary for alloromantics. Far easier to believe an aromantic person self deluded than falsify a key social meme. (Especially in a society where normativity is commonplace.)

2 hours ago, EveryZig said:

I would be tempted to offer my advice as someone with autism/aspergers, but since I have no experience with romance and little experience even with platonic friendship I am probably not very qualified. So instead I'd like to offer my sympathy.

(On the matter of his autism explaining or excusing him not getting it, I can't speak for autistic people in general but I find it really ironic for someone with autism to not get the idea of another person having different emotional drives. I mean, having a limited understanding of how other people think is one thing, but not getting the fact that they think differently to begin with is another thing entirely.)

The problem with giving general advice with neuro diverse people is kind of implied by the term :)
Hence "If you've seen one person with autism, you've seen one person with autism."

 

I suspect you can have a limited understanding of how people think, without also the "meta-knowlage" that you tend to think differently from other people.

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1 hour ago, Mark said:

I suspect you can have a limited understanding of how people think, without also the "meta-knowlage" that you tend to think differently from other people.

Isn't identifying as non-neurotypical basically equivalent to saying that most people think differently from you? It just seems to me like a logical progression from "I am non-neurotypical" to "other people think differently" to "if other people say they have different emotional drives, that is a plausible result of them thinking differently". Though I guess that gets back to what seems obvious to me not being obvious to other people and visa versa.

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As someone who has dealt with quite a few unwanted male suitors, I'd agree with @Blue Phoenix Ace and @omitef, he has to hear a firm no. And quite often that isn't even enough, some guys need to be avoided in this scenario.

 

I wanted to post this into the Healthy friendships, QPRs etc. topic, as this experience was one of the reasons I created it.

 

I had this friend acquaintance a while ago, one of the most aggressive suitors I have ever had to deal with. I'm not sure its because I'm aromantic so I naturally take friendships a lot more seriously, or because I emit some sort of nurse/mother/therapist vibes  Maybe both. They just seem to find me.

But this guy was an extreme case, did this on an expert level.

 

So, massive trigger warning for descriptions of emotional abuse, manipulation and stalking.

 

So there was this guy, quite a few years older than me, dealing with several mental health conditions. And also maybe the worst case of emotional constipation and toxic masculinity I have ever seen.

He seemed nice, we started chatting. In real life. Then on facebook. The more attention I gave him, the more he demanded. He had proper kylo ren-esque temper tantrums if I did not reply him within a minute on the chat.

He wasn't really interested in the things I had to share.

His idea of caring was this weird, creepy question he kept asking. "How is your tummy?" I never gave him any indication of having any stomach problems, because I do not have any. I have absolutely no idea where he got that. When I questioned him, he said he was trying to be nice and wanted to make sure I was okay. It felt like he wanted to treat me like an actual baby, all my problems had to be related to an upset stomach.

At the time, I was 23, he was around 30. I was out to him and pretty much everybody as a lesbian (I did not know I was aro at the time), and I was quite publicly in a romantic relationship with a woman (now, that was interesting as well, but lets talk about that at some other time). Despite this, he was convinced that I had feelings for him, and he kept referring to me as his girlfriend, and when I called him out on that, he became really defensive and told me how he meant to say "a friend who is a girl" and I was "seeing things that are not there".

He was constantly moaning about something or someone, everything was someone elses fault and he had the full weapon arsenal of emotional abuse tactics. No doubt, he learned them from being on the other end of the abuse, but that does not make his behaviour okay.

Every conversation we had, ended with me being upset, and him sulking.

I had to break every contact with him to stop him. I had to hide from him in social situations, because we had a common interest, and he was always there. Also, me and my group of friends started to warn his potential victims. He was doing this to girls young as 16, but because it was just friendship, he got away with it.

 

Society teaches men that being emotional is feminine, therefore should be avoided. And especially men and boys who have low self confidence, and in some aspect don't live up to this strict alpha male stereotype tend to try to conform to toxic masculinity to compensate. According to toxic masculinity, the only situation where expressing feelings as a male adult is okay, is a romantic-sexual relationship with a woman, otherwise its "gay" "weak" or "miserable".

 

So they get really desperate for any sort of human contact. When they see a potential for this to happen within those strict limitations, and if they are given attention, they just don't let go. And it is scary, 'cos usually they do get aggressive.

 

Women are conditioned to do emotional labour, to carter for male emotional needs without even being asked to. Like if an emotionally loaded situation needs to be dealt with, its probably going to be the nearest available woman who is expected to do that. Even if they have nothing to do with the situation?

 

Also, to keep up the manly man act, they will see any sort of female attention as romantic and sexual. Men are socially conditioned not to hear or take women seriously. It starts in early childhood when adults tell them that pulling somebody's pigtails is an appropriate way to express romantic intents, and how cute she is when she protests. More disgustingly, later on in life, this whole thing is sexualized, quite a few men have a fetish for women who are "hard to get". So saying no actually makes the situation ten times worse.

 

I know, as a person with empathy you would try to be there for them, especially if you consider them a friend. But at the end of the day, your first priority has to be your own emotional and physical well being. If any human connection feels toxic, you have the right to end it.

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This is going to sound weird, because- in reality I was freaking out, over something that never was. My trigger though was mentioning real life sex. I basically went crazy and thought so many bad things, when (I looked over the real messages) and none of what I was freaking out over, wasn't even there. 

 

I still want to keep the other thread up, because I'm pretty sure there are real jerks out there who do that type of stuff to people.

 

(FYI- If I posted this on the wrong forum...mods- you are welcome to move it ;) ) 

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Yeah, but I was also misunderstanding what was written in the actual messages as something it wasn't. I was freaking out so it made it harder to decipher  the difference between an actual wise statement vs me relating it all the wrong way. 

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Threads "Weird Situation" and "How to Find Out You're Ace" Merged.

 

 

41 minutes ago, cowgirl326 said:

Yeah, but I was also misunderstanding what was written in the actual messages as something it wasn't. I was freaking out so it made it harder to decipher  the difference between an actual wise statement vs me relating it all the wrong way. 

 

Sometimes I find that being ace (and aro) makes me oversensitive to potential sexual/romantic situations.  I'm not sure if this is what happened in your case, but for me it can be easy to get a bit paranoid and read into things too much.  Since I'm not very good at being able to tell when someone has a crush on me, I usually try to just ignore it unless they tell me specifically that they have a crush on me, at which point I think being blatantly honest is best.  But if someone were to continue trying to "pursue" me after that despite me saying I'm not interested, I would likely avoid them and cut contact.  

 

And I completely agree with @Cassiopeia's last post :) .

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They weren't really "pursuing" in the sense of keep on trying to get me to be in a more than platonic relationship (I know I made it sound that way, but I was freaking out). They were really only suggesting it as something to be taken really slowly. Besides, he found someone on a dating site who sounds like she's a better match than me to be honest. We're still friends though. 

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On 27 April 2016 at 0:33 AM, PerformativeSurprise said:

Threads "Weird Situation" and "How to Find Out You're Ace" Merged.

 

 

 

Sometimes I find that being ace (and aro) makes me oversensitive to potential sexual/romantic situations.  I'm not sure if this is what happened in your case, but for me it can be easy to get a bit paranoid and read into things too much.  Since I'm not very good at being able to tell when someone has a crush on me, I usually try to just ignore it unless they tell me specifically that they have a crush on me, at which point I think being blatantly honest is best.  But if someone were to continue trying to "pursue" me after that despite me saying I'm not interested, I would likely avoid them and cut contact.  

 

And I completely agree with @Cassiopeia's last post :) .

I had a situation where I found out someone had romantic feelings for me and I completely freaked out and blew it way out of proportion. This has happened more than once, I suspect. I can definitely relate to this.

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On 4/26/2016 at 10:33 AM, PerformativeSurprise said:

Threads "Weird Situation" and "How to Find Out You're Ace" Merged.

 

 

 

Sometimes I find that being ace (and aro) makes me oversensitive to potential sexual/romantic situations.  I'm not sure if this is what happened in your case, but for me it can be easy to get a bit paranoid and read into things too much.  Since I'm not very good at being able to tell when someone has a crush on me, I usually try to just ignore it unless they tell me specifically that they have a crush on me, at which point I think being blatantly honest is best.  But if someone were to continue trying to "pursue" me after that despite me saying I'm not interested, I would likely avoid them and cut contact.  

 

And I completely agree with @Cassiopeia's last post :) .

That definitely makes sense. In the autistic community, there's a stereotype of autistic people being overly trusting and naive because they can't read signs of deception. But some autistic people realize (often from bitter experience) that people are likely to be tricking them and they won't be able to tell, so they get paranoid.  Sounds like a similar thing for aros, except more specific.

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