More Aro Than Ace

[VoidpunkDreams]

I recently had a little shift on the Aro/Ace divide which has led me to question the sexual identification tag. I don't like being sexualized and I don't actually have a sexuality although once upon a time before Gender Transition I would have identified as Pan. I mean I don't have sex anymore as an Ace and probably sex repulsed because I always think sex leads to romance. Idk if anyone has experienced this shift too...The Aro is better because it determines who I like to hang out with and I can relate more to it.

[Neir]

This is something I've heard talked about a lot recently; you're not the only one!

 

I'm not one of those people (I'm pretty solidly ace and consider it to be an important identity alongside by aro identity), but there are some aros who just use "aromantic" to describe themselves without listing their sexuality, for reasons like yours. Some of these aros just use "aromantic," full-stop, and never talk about sexuality. Some of these aros have been trying to come up with terms for themselves instead, so that it's more explicit to others that they don't use sexuality labels.

 

Some of the labels I've seen:

• Non-SAM aro/Unit aro: an aro who doesn't use the SAM (Split Attraction Model) and who focuses only or primarily on their aro identity, not on other types of attraction besides the romanticism
• Primaro/Archaro: an aro who is primarily aro, or has their aroness be their more important identity
• Unicum aro/Solaro: an aro who is solely or only aro, or who feels that their identity is captured by "aromantic," full-stop

No pressure to use these labels at all - just thought it'd be something to share in case you're looking for a term or for aros who might share your feelings. If you look up some of those terms you might be able to find aros that use them and that you could connect with. It'd be nice to not have people assume you connect with a sexuality alongside being aro, but it's sometimes true that people make those assumptions anyway. In sum, you're super valid!

[aro-fae]

Yeah I've had a similar shift as well. I guess because I would still consider myself ace, but not sex repulsed, so aromantic is a better descriptor of how I go about my life anyways. 

I've seen Neu Aro suggested as a term, which I quite like since its about aromantic being the priority and sexuality being in a neutral state. 

Do you ever get that "betrayal" feeling though? Like, I feel bad for not calling myself aroace for some reason. I'm just really used to using the split attraction model I guess, even though I've always hated it.

[VoidpunkDreams]

@running.tally Thanks so much for that. Truly illuminating. @aro-fae I am getting those feels about jumping the ace ship but the shoe definitely has to fit right. Why should I wear the ace shoe if I don't experience intimate attraction to others hardly ever is the question.

 

Crises precipitates change.

[Madame Giraffe]

I definitely feel the same way! Even if - usually - after knowing that I'm aro, people asks me if I'm ace, too..... like, it happened every times.

Also, I noticed that people seems to be more interested in the absence of sexual attraction, those filthy ones! lol

[Guest]

Well… i usually feel more aro than ace. That being said, being aroace is, well, a part of my identity. So i usually say aroace in general, or just aro. I will never say "i am ace" unless i have a reason to, that being said.

 

But i still mention my ace Identity. I am sex neutral/positive. I am also aro. I say i am ace as a reminder that peoples like me exist ( i mean : sex positives aces exist (despite the fact that i am romance repulsed ^^ )). And as a "fuck you" to acephobes too ? 

 

Basically, while i am more in aro spaces, I am aroace. Not less aro because i am ace,  not less ace despite being aro. Aroace. I feel like it can't be dissociated from my experience.

 

(but it's absolutley fine if some peoples don't mention their sexuality. I am just talking about me.)

[Lokiana]

I've always had trouble with this. I've fluctuated between labeling my sexuality as "N/A", quoisexual, not a thing, asexual, and such for years. I tend to stick to using ace for a couple reasons: one, because it makes explaining things easier sometimes, and two, because the ace community has impacted me so much it almost feels like I'm leaving a part of me behind if I don't use that label anymore.

[nonmerci]

I identify strongly as aro, mostly because it is expecting to get married, etc. Well about ace, I am ace too, but I care less. I think it's because I see romance as a live style, and sexe as a hobby. I mean : romance has a huge impact in your life, as you have to live with someone else, is expecting to do things with him/her, give support, have children... but I see sexe just as something I am not attracted too, like I don't like football even if a lot of people enjoy it. And that's why I ended up on arocalypse, whereas I never feel the need to be on a ace forum.

I suppose I would think differently if I was allosexual,  because (correct me allo if I am wrong) my sexuality would have a bigger impact in my life style : searching for sexual connections without romance is hard,  and people juge you for that.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I think it's because I see romance as a live style, and sexe as a hobby

That's interesting!

 

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I suppose I would think differently if I was allosexual,  because (correct me allo if I am wrong) my sexuality would have a bigger impact in my life style : searching for sexual connections without romance is hard,  and people juge you for that.

Please tell me if I derail the topic, but it can happen to sex positive aro aces too. Some of them want sexual connections without romance, i mean. But i can't tell if it's exactly the same thing. Probably not (well, we're not judged just for being aro allo, that's for sure)

[nonmerci]

10 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

Please tell me if I derail the topic, but it can happen to sex positive aro aces too. Some of them want sexual connections without romance, i mean

Maybe, I don't know. Maybe there are some sex positive aros here who can tell? I suppose this is not the same thing as being aro allo (in particular in terms of attraction, the feeling is different), but in term of behavior an external person may not makes the difference. 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Maybe, I don't know. Maybe there are some sex positive aros here who can tell?

I know I have meet (online) an aro ace who wanted to have sex with peoples, but no thanks to romance ^^ 

My own sex repulsion variate. Sometime i am neutral, positive, and rarely repulsed. So I would like to hear about other sex positive aro aces ^^

 

14 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I suppose this is not the same thing as being aro allo (in particular in terms of attraction, the feeling is different), but in term of behavior an external person may not makes the difference. 

Well, attraction wise i am sure it's different. I mean… they're ace. But for behavior? Everyone has a different behavior so who know.

[Mark]

13 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

Please tell me if I derail the topic, but it can happen to sex positive aro aces too. Some of them want sexual connections without romance, i mean. But i can't tell if it's exactly the same thing. Probably not (well, we're not judged just for being aro allo, that's for sure)

One situation you can find sex positive aces possible over represented is in "sex work". AFAIK this is applicable to both allo and aro sex positive aces,
Something I also wonder is how often allo aces who arn't sex repulsed have sex (with their romo partners) because it's romantic coded.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Mark said:

One situation you can find sex positive aces possible over represented is in "sex work"

Good point, i almost forgot about sex work (despite having heard of a lot of aces sex workers). I know some sex positive aro aces (outside of sex work) are looking for having sex with someone and then not getting romantically involved with them. I feel like we don't really speak about it.

 

5 hours ago, Mark said:

Something I also wonder is how often allo aces who arn't sex repulsed have sex (with their romo partners) because it's romantic coded.

I really have no idea about that. But if they are sex neutral/positive, maybe they (or even just some of them) just do it for fun ? ?That's a good and interesting question that being said .

[nonmerci]

7 hours ago, Mark said:

Something I also wonder is how often allo aces who arn't sex repulsed have sex (with their romo partners) because it's romantic coded.

Someone I know said that when she realized she was ace, she and her husband discussed to find a good crompromise. That variates, depends if she wants or not. Anyway they did it less often now that she realized she's asexual.