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Everything posted by aro-fae

  1. In school I actually dated a bit because I didn't understand that it meant something to people and I found it briefly entertaining. After those few months, although I heard about people's relationship problems a lot, it never felt like I was expected to date. Very different at work. It seems like the majority of working adults center their social life and weekends around their significant others, so its all they talk about and all they want to know about from others. Basically every job I've had, has involved people asking me about my romantic life within the first week. And people tend to be open if they find it odd that I'm not dating.
  2. I just didn't attend prom, but I was also "one of those people" who didn't attend school dances. I don't remember if it was looked down upon, but there were distinctly people who did attend dances and people who didn't.
  3. 1) I don't know if its *common*, but I'd say its definitely possible. I've met gray aces that are sex-favorable and sex-indifferent, so I presume the variation would extend to sex-repulsed. 2) I've heard of something called "arcflux" but can't find anything solid on it now. I remember that its an identity for ace people who have fluctuating repulsion/favorability towards sex. Also from my own experience, certain sexual acts can definitely shift between "ok" and "not ok" categories. So yes, repulsion can fluctuate. 3) Very uncertain about aceflux specifically.
  4. This sounds really fun, no clue what my January schedule looks like right now but hopefully I'll be able to attend!
  5. I see one of the proposed topics is "hardship", and I'm wondering if there could be like, a "joy/pride" category to go alongside that? I know you wanted to narrow down rather than expanding, but yeah :3
  6. When it comes to romantic or sexual attraction, it's kind of a crap shoot. Chaotic personalities? I think that's the only consistent thing. I've only been attracted to maybe 4 people in that manner. 2 of them were very tall women (well, compared to me. They were like 5'10 I think.) Aesthetically I like square jawlines and broad shoulders. If they're goth that's a plus but it's not required.
  7. As a grayro person, I consider myself aromantic much more than I consider myself aro-spec. I know a few other aro's who use "aro" to imply "aro-spec", similar to ace. I don't think its a common idea however. I still see a lot of people using the terms separately.
  8. The only term that will be sufficient is the term that someone is actually happy to use for themselves. Creation of language is good and necessary, even if some of it reinvents the wheel. Anyways. I agree with those understandings of primary and secondary attraction, although I have to admit I don't see them used frequently. I actually brought this up in a demi discord server I was in (back when I was identifying as demi) as to whether they agreed with the sentiment that demi- people experienced secondary rather than primary attraction. In that instance, several others agreed that while secondary attraction was a necessary part and could take a while to develop, it eventually caused some overlap with primary attraction. I.e., although attraction based on an emotional bond and personality traits would "kickstart" attraction, it would still eventually include attraction to immediately apparent physical features. If that provides any kind of insight into how those two can interplay. I identify as gray but I simply can't be helpful here as my attraction is *vague hand gesture* or *light gust of wind*, but I'll take that poll anyways lol. *Editing to say, my poll answer is both*
  9. Here's a post about quoiromanticism, here's something about demiromanticism, and here's something about grayromanticism. That's all I can really do without any info. Feel free to read through things! And don't feel obligated to share all of your experiences, just know that the less information an outsider has, the less helpful that we can be
  10. Welcome to the forum. There are some pinned threads in the subforum "Aromantic" that discuss common aro experiences, if you need help figuring out whether you're aro or not. It's not something anyone can really "assign" you, it's something you have to choose to identify with for yourself, because the identity and community feel useful in your understanding of yourself and how you relate to the world. Hope that helps!
  11. It could be alterous attraction as well. It could be a mild sexual attraction. It could be aesthetic. It may help to think about what that attraction made you want to do - did you want to have sex with her? Be physical in some other way? Just keep looking? If it was a mild feeling or happened a while ago it may be hard to figure that out, but desire for certain behaviors can generally point to what kind of attraction it is.
  12. Welcome to Arocalypse! I'll try to address some of your points as a grayromantic person myself and with what I've heard from alloromantics. 1. I don't really think its a line that's drawn rather than a completely different realm. Platonic feelings/attraction and romantic feelings/attraction can overlap when you feel them for one person, but they're different feelings. I can't speak to the inability to be friends with people I'm romantically attracted to because my romantic attraction isn't strong and doesn't mean very much, but that is something I've frequently heard from my alloro friends. 2. I've heard this from a lot of aros. It's hard to watch a close friend suddenly prioritize someone else. Jealously does not need to be romantic. 3. I and several aros I know also get really upset when this happens. It could happen because you're nervous or because you don't like the person, but try to think of a scenario when it wouldn't upset you. Try to think of a person whom you would actually want to make romantic advances on you. Craft the ideal person in your mind. Do you want to be romantic with them? And to finding romance nice theoretically and maybe finding the "right person" in time, that doesn't change if aromantic feels like a nice identity for you right now. And many alloromantic people have had a variety of romantic interests by the time they are in their early twenties. So you could be aro/aro-spectrum, and that might be more useful for you than identifying as a late bloomer. It's absolutely your own choice in the end, though. And how you identify can be changed at any time
  13. Lesbians experience attraction to womxn, and that extends beyond romantic and sexual attraction. As was mentioned above, "oriented" aroaces are those who experience some other attraction that is strong enough to cause them to identify with something other than aroace. Platonic and alterous attractions are commonly at play in those scenarios! "Angled" aroace is a related term for those who are grey-, demi-, or some other aroace-spectrum identity. I'll use myself as an example - I'm greyromantic and grey-ace, but when I do experience attraction its towards any gender, so I'm bi (angled) aroace. In those situations people may also say grey-bisexual or bi/grey aroace.
  14. Grayro and vegan~~I've been vegan for about 5 or 6 years now? I was vegetarian for a few years before that and transitioned slowly.
  15. I would say it does based on the fact that people can begin dating and be romantically attracted to people they are not friendly with, for example, people they've only briefly spoken to on dating apps. I think in the case of successful relationships, platonic attraction does eventually occur and likely runs alongside romantic attraction. I also think it's kind of dependent on how you define platonic attraction, because if its "desiring friendship or a close emotional relationship" with someone, I don't know if that would happen if you've already developed a deep romantic tie with them? I.e. if romantic attraction leads you to becoming very close, would you necessarily desire closeness on other terms. Especially in the case of a fling or a romantic relationship that simply isn't a major factor in your life or something all-encompassing.
  16. Gray-aro can refer to a variety of experiences, including crushes without desire to "follow up" on them, but also including : experiencing (romantic) attraction rarely, experiencing attraction ambiguously/uncertainly, experiencing attraction at a low intensity, experiencing an attraction that is very fleeting/short lived....It can describe a lot of things. The fact that you are wondering if you've ever had a crush kind of indicates that you may be on the aro-spectrum, as romantic attraction tends to be described as a gut feeling that is very obvious. It also sounds like you've spent very little time thinking about or pursuing romance in general, and for someone in their 30s, that tends to be considered non-normative. At the end of the day the choice is up to you. You could identify as aro-spec or gray-ro, which can act as ambiguous catch-all terms. You could identify as aro. You could identify as questioning. Lurking around sites like this will give you more of an idea of what the aromantic experience is like and may help you decide.
  17. Like a few others here, learned about aromanticism and asexuality in freshman yr of high school. And I do feel older than a fair amount of the community? Even though I am relatively a child (early 20s). I feel way past the phase of "figuring it out" and needing "validation" for it, which seems to be a sign of age in this community lol.
  18. I don't use this terminology simply because it feels pointless to my own identity. Like, there are some things that I am repulsed by (like most romance movies/narratives) and there are things that I am favorable to (like hand holding). Trying to paint with a broad brush would just be pointless. And If anyone would need specifics, they would likely be close enough to me to warrant a proper conversation about it rather than a quick label.
  19. We have an aros and aces group on my campus as a branch of our larger Pride Alliance so we mix a bit of programming with them (things like brunches, picnics, game nights). The Aros and Aces group also has a bi weekly meet up where we just chat. If it's at all possible to get affiliated with a larger lgbt+ group I would recommend it, as that will not only help with gaining recognition for your group but will also gain you access to some bigger events that you couldn't do on your own. I would also recommend providing some formal resources because discussion groups tend to be very chill and it's easy to get off topic, so if you could provide something like an emailing list or a facebook group where you can link them to websites, make book/reading recommendations, provide socializing that isn't in-person, etc, that would be very helpful to your members. I would recommend email over facebook as its considerably more anonymous. And the more welcoming you can make it for allo aros the better. I don't have the best tips for this as it's something my campus group is currently working on and struggling with, as almost all of us are ace or aroace. 😥
  20. I've luckily not had to deal with anything longterm, but I've had a lot of experiences of people driving up to me while I'm on a walk or approaching me in public spaces (I remember one incident at a grocery store and another at my gym) and asking a lot of questions of Can I have your number, Why can't I have your number, What do you mean I can't have your number... Very bizarre things to bother a child about in public - and I do mean child, as I'm just now out of my teens and most of these experiences happened several years ago with men considerably older than me. Worst thing was when some neighbor showed up on my doorstep and tried to ask me on a date, when I wasn't home, and my grandmother told him off 😆 Like on the one hand I'm happy I didn't have to deal with it and I'm sure it made him feel pathetic, but I do worry about what would have happened had he been more aggressive.
  21. The case of Mary Read isn't the norm, gender assigned at birth/assigned gender is a modern term that references the frequent modern concept of a doctor declaring a child's gender at birth, the parents agreeing with it, and then the child being raised as such. There can be another distinction made for children who are assigned intersex, and a few years past birth through means of surgery and other medical procedures are made to more closely align with one of the biological sexes. I see a few people mentioned children being unisexed - there is plenty of research that shows how children relate to gender and have some kind of understanding of it. This more recent study is small, but looks at how transgender children (having socially transitioned) perceive gender in comparison to their cisgender counterparts.Trans girls and cis girls held similar gendered preferences (Barbies and the color pink, essentially), and the same for trans boys and cis boys. I had a hard time finding studies that weren't behind pay-walls but I recommend looking into "gender constancy in children" and "gender preference in children" if you want to learn more. TLDR whatever gender is, people seem to connect to it pretty early and find it meaningful in their interactions, no matter how socially constructed certain aspects of it are.
  22. I know on Tumblr (and I'm sure a few other internet spaces) MOGAI is short-hand for "anything that isn't the L,G,B, or T" and the boundaries of what is MOGAI depends on the person you're talking to. Some people consider all non-binary identities MOGAI, whereas others think "non-binary" is fine but more niche genders are not. MOGAI literally means "Marginalized Orientations, Genders, and Intersex" and is to be used as a synonym of LGBT+, but it has developed a new connotation/meaning over time. As to the general topic, as @Lokiana said, it would be nice if we could keep these terms for historical purposes but also note that they aren't frequently used and why it may be redundant. As mentioned with cupioromantic, it seems to boil down to another way to say "non-romance repulsed aromantic", so a lot of the community that may feel cupioromantic is relevant may actually be found using the term aromantic. This way people who relate to the label aren't just left out in the cold, so to speak, and still have somewhere to go and find like-minded individuals.
  23. I definitely avoid the folkish side, yes. I wouldn't say that many religions have an issue with asexuality/lack of sex or desire in itself, however, a lot of religions (in my opinion) have an issue with aromanticism. Christianity and Hinduism pop to mind as ones that really emphasize a male/female partnership (in the form of marriage) as necessary to spiritual peace and goodness. The only times the single lifestyle seems acceptable is when someone takes a vow of devotion such as with nuns and monks. Since you mentioned Wicca, I would add that there is a huge focus on sex and male/female duality. Whether that's an asexual problem, a gender non-conforming/genderqueer problem, or simply an all around non-cishet problem is debateable.
  24. Norse polytheist. I have never had an issue within this religion regarding my orientation, outside of a few general bigots. It's also been nice that the deities most connected to the concept of love - Frey, Freyja, and Frigg - all have multiple other aspects. Frey and Freyja are primarily fertility and war deities, not love deities, and Frigg is a deity of family and prophecy.
  25. I mean, a "fear of commitment" can really just be reworded as "experiences minimal romantic attraction which makes the beginning stages of a relationship manageable, but more serious/longterm aspects of them unbearable." It's not an odd experience in the aromantic community to experience a mild attraction or be tolerant of romantic actions. Other attractions, such as sexual and platonic, can also play a role in making these relationships enjoyable until they hit a "definitely romantic" threshold. If the aromantic label and community feels right and feels useful in explaining how you relate to others, then no-one can stop you from using it. You may also find aro-spectrum experiences, such as grey-romantic, to be relatable. I don't see any reason for you to be feeling selfish about these occurrences. You said that you begin relationships "with feelings" and then these feelings leave - that's how most relationships end, regardless of romantic orientation. There's nothing particularly terrible or news-breaking about losing interest in someone, so please be gentle with yourself.
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