The Gray Warlock

Not really. But finding out did free up an enormous amount of headspace and mental energy that was previously occupied by past ideas I was still holding onto and the frustration it was causing. As things currently stand, I'm just fine with being single and celibate.

I've seen enough guys like this. They're usually all talk. They talk a big game, but back down when someone they perceive to be stronger a/o more powerful challenges them. Essentially it's about intimidation. If he sees he's intimidating you, he'll keep doing it. He'll only stop when intimidated into doing so. He'll have to be made aware of possible serious repercussions for his behavior. How exactly to achieve that is something you'll have to figure out. In the meantime, stop going along with it with jokes. That just lets him know you're intimidated. However, if you feel there is a genuine threat of violence either to you or someone else, then your obligation is to get the proper authorities involved.

Sorry to tell you, the Hindus beat us to it. Lord Shiva, despite being married to Parvati, is known to be a celibate and the first of ascetics. Scriptures tell that after his wife Sati was killed, he took up an existence of renunciation and entered into a deep meditation nothing could disturb. Parvati (who was the reincarnation of Sati, and the calmer form of Durga/Kali) had fallen in love with Shiva and hoped to marry him. She devoted herself to service to him, prostrating at his feet and keeping his surroundings clean. But Shiva took no notice. Out of desperation Parvati got the god of desire, Kama, to fire one of his arrows at Shiva to inspire him with love of whomever he looked at first (familiar imagery?) Instead what happened was at the very moment Kama fired his arrow, Shiva at last came out of his meditation and opened his 3rd eye. As he turned to look at what was disturbing him, a beam of fire shot out of his 3rd eye, burning both the arrow and Kama completely. The story continues, but I'll make it short and say Shiva does eventually consent to marry Parvati. But only after seeing she is as dedicated a yogi as he. The point of the story is that it was truly enlightenment Parvati desired, and Shiva as god of consciousness IS enlightenment, which is beyond all desire and attachment.

Raven hair, a dark complexion, and the Golden Ratio.

Has this young lady already told you she's not interested in romantic/sexual relationships? If so, whatever your decision is, if you truly value her friendship you will have to honor that. You will also need to be completely honest with yourself about your reasoning for making that decision. That's all I can say since I don't know your situation. Meanwhile I'd like to share some ideas that have helped me out. Many years ago I took an interest in Buddhism after losing a friend to suicide. It was a time I was experiencing a lot of confusion about myself. There was a book I read in that time by one Surya Das whose theme I believe was the alleviation of suffering by letting go of ego. One particular chapter that was devoted to the subject of love had a particular effect on me. In it he calls out the notion that one is bereft of love simply because we lack a romantic partner. If we take a look at our lives we would see we have much love from family and friends that is just as good. He also examines the concept of "True Love" through the lens of impermanence (a core concept in Buddhist doctrine). First of all, there is the difficulty brought about by the fact that we cannot control who people are, what they want, or how they feel. So there is already a high bar to clear there. Then there is the fact that, even if we find our perfect SO and live "happily ever after," in the best case that only lasts until one of us dies. Then the surviving partner is left only with memories and grief. And this ties in to the Buddhist teaching that our suffering is caused not by the conditions of our lives, but by our wanting those conditions to be different. In other words, attaching a personal value to things outside of ourselves thinking them to bring us inner fulfillment. However, since impermanence is a condition of existence, whatever we attach to inevitably changes. And when that happens, and we continue to attach to what no longer is but was, we suffer. The remedy is twofold. First to accept that impermanence and suffering are part of existence, and let go of what we are attaching to when it is necessary. Second, to cultivate a sense of compassion for the suffering of others. Your friend is a good example. She does not experience romantic or sexual attraction, and is uncomfortable with confessions of love or shows of affection. Yet she likely is approached by would be suitors on a regular basis. This is a type of suffering she experiences you can have compassion for, while letting go of the prospect of having a relationship with her. And by "letting go," I'm not talking about repressing your feelings and saying "this is fine." I mean honestly examining your feelings and ideas, processing them, and letting go of what you don't need to hold onto. I hope this helps.

I'm a sucker for 80s ballads. "Can't Live Without Your Love" by Nelson is my favorite. Don't tell anyone.

Welcome

It would be great if I could find a woman who is into occultism a/o tantra and interested in mystical sexuality, tantric sexul ritual, or hell I'd settle for couple's yoga.

Coming from the other side of 40, I hardly call 25 "elder." But I'd be game. Maybe we could call it AroXers or something.

The Slayers FTW!

First of all I'd like to say I'm proud of you for having the courage to speak out despite the dangers. Being an abuse victim myself I can tell you abusers often have a narcissistic profile, and narcissists are good at getting themselves into a protected position in whatever social structure they occupy. In fact it's not unusual for narcissists to gather a kind of "mini cult" around themselves who will try anything to shut down or silence their attackers. I'm sorry to say if you're intent on fighting this battle you're probably going to take a lot of shit for it. Perseverance will be key, as will be getting as much help as possible from anyone willing to take your side. The good news is in time they eventually expose themselves. But be careful, predators are the most dangerous when backed into a corner. Oh, and if you must engage with this person in some way, always without exception make the engagement as public as possible. NEVER agree to anything private, online or irl. I wish you luck.

That's easy. Just be not attractive.

Really? You had me guessing you're an ENFP. Besides, typology isn't something to be "believed in" it's simply a tool for helping you understand yourself. It's not meant to be strictly scientific, just practical. As a matter of fact I have doubts about the scientific status of mainstream psychology itself. The more I've observed the developments of "scientific" psychology over the last decade, the more it's beginning to look like a post-modern Western Yoga that uses scientific sounding jargon. Even the Buddhist derived practice of Vippassana (Insight Meditation) has been appropriated into psychiatric practice under the name "Cognitive Behavior Therapy"! On the other side of it, I've heard physicists admit the mind may be beyond the pale of scientific examination. That leaves us with the burdensome freedom of choosing for ourselves which way of understanding works best.

AND our ability to empathize, form bonds, learn and reason, solve problems, speak languages, build cultures...Homo Sapiens is a complex multi-dimensional entity I share your annoyance with "applies to thee not to mee" (deliberate spelling) attitudes in the moral stances people profess. If you want me to believe you have conviction, let alone hope to convert me to your camp, I better see you applying your ideas across the board, especially to yourself. Those that do are the ones who have my respect. That's why I call Mr. Rogers the one man who could have convinced me to become Christian. Because he lived his creed.

If you asked me this question 2 days ago I'd have answered INTJ without hesitation. But then I had a revelation. Whenever I have to "extrovert" like at work, I'm spending quite a bit of time taking care of others, especially when I'm with family. Even my job is all about service. Hell, half of my posts on this forum are giving advice to others! I thought I was an "efficiency" type of person, and the way I experience myself is as logical and calculating. I've been absolutely certain I'm Ni dom for quite some time, and that I'm a thinker. So it makes sense. Until you consider the relationship between the first and third functions. Because I'm good at figuring out problems, I took my thinking to be extroverted. But then earlier today I encountered a math problem most would consider intimidating, but I closed my eyes, pictured it and solved it in moments! This is trademark Introverted Thinking, Ti. I have Ni as my dom, making my inferior Se. And I use Ti to solve problems, and since I already have an introverted perceiving function in the dominant slot, it has to be my tertiary. What does that leave room for? Extroverted Feeling, Fe, and there's only one place left in the stack to put it. That's right folks! You're friendly neighborhood warlock is an INFJ! It goes to show you can always discover something new about your type. It just takes constant vigilance and tireless self reflection. As an aside, for those people who think it's weird for a Feeler to be Aro, look at Nik Hampshire. That guy's an ESFP all the way.

Interesting you should bring that up. I've recently been reading about Medieval Astrology, and am going to look into Jyotish (Hindu Astrology). I'm not totally bought into its predictive ability, I'm just giving it a chance while I fill in some gaps in my knowledge of Occult lore. However I have been looking at my birth chart and Venus is retrograde and squared with conjuncted Mars and Saturn, and moving in opposite directions. My younger brother, who I suspect is AroAce, also has a retrograde Venus. That's a pretty interesting coincidence, whether or not you believe in it.

You can never go wrong with a gift. Good luck

That's just someone trying to convince themselves they don't feel shame when they do. Trying to "combat" a negative self image with a positive one is an ego game that only ends with frustration. The better way would be to process negative feelings, understand their source and effects, and let go of them.

I'm 42 and recently discovered aromanticism. It took some time to process sure, but it was pretty easy to figure out. As for sexuality, I've always experienced sexual attraction and desire. But that's been fading over the last year or so. It's not for lack of libido or virility, I just don't feel into it anymore. I figure two things are happening. 1. After a lifetime of frustration my mind is just noping out. 2. My brain is just ready to devote that energy to other things. I think it also has to do with my getting deeply into Yoga practice and esotericism. The more I experience higher levels of consciousness, the more satisfying animal desires like sex just seems asinine. Porn feels particularly sullying. That's my experience anyway. Do you talk to guests in your own house like that? Why would you do that here?

Suffering can be a selfish thing. It's an easy inclination to be resentful over the way one has been treated. And when you make that resentment a part of your identity it can feel as an attack on your person to be called on to empathize with the suffering of others. "You haven't been through what I've been through!" becomes a defense used to close yourself off for fear of being vulnerable. It's more difficult, but ultimately much more healing, to look past your own pain and view the suffering of others with compassion. Even if it does seem minute compared to your own.

I'm happy to help. And if I may say so, it kind of sounds to me like self acceptance is the issue. Many years ago I took an interest in Buddhism following a friend's suicide (hence the meditation) and while I don't consider myself a Buddhist now, there were some things I got from it that I found to help. In particular the understanding that it isn't the conditions of our lives that cause our suffering, it's our desire for them to be different. At this time also I was struggling with lack of romance in my life, and this was long before there was an aro/ace community to turn to. One book I read by Surya Das (not to be confused with Ram Das) devoted a chapter to love that was a huge influence on me. In it he stated how he felt it was a mistake for society to teach us we are bereft of love simply for not having a romantic partner. That if we take the time to examine our lives, most of us would find we have much love in our lives from family and friends that is just as good. He also criticized the notion of "True Love" in true Buddhist fashion by examining it through the lense of impermanence. That first there is a high bar to clear, since no one can control who others are or how they feel. And even if you find your perfect Prince/Princess and live happily ever after, that only lasts until one of you dies. Then the remaining partner is left with their grief, wishing for them to still be there, tying it back in to how suffering is caused by attachment to our desires. Maybe this will give you something to consider also.

It wasn't one specific thing. I rarely dated in high school, or after. I assumed there was something wrong with me, due to traumatic upbringing, and spent a lot of my adult life trying to rebuild my confidence. Because it's always a confidence issue. I did it all, self-help, fitness, martial arts, all the things guys do when they need to build confidence. It worked, but I still wasn't dating. It must be social confidence. I got a job where I'm exposed to people all day. All that got me was a realization I'm asocial as well. Years passed and, after a few toxic girlfriends I took up with out of desperation and an affair I shouldn't have gotten into, I was just weary of trying and sort of gave up. Then over the last couple of years I began thinking this is just my nature. I didn't have vocabulary to describe it yet. I made comparisons to a man who's gay, but tries to be attracted to women because that's what he's conditioned to believe, but after years of failures suddenly understands who he truly is. Except in my case it's lack of attraction I was suppressing. Then a few months ago the word "aromantic" was randomly brought up in a video I was watching (btw any fans of Megamind hear the theory that Metro Man is aro?) and down the rabbit hole I went.

Have you ever considered meditation? I meditate for 30 mins twice daily, and it does wonders. I won't claim it's a psych cure all, but it can seriously help. Here's a technique I like to use when I need to sort something out: First, you need to pick a favorite position. I like to use Sukhasana. It doesn't have to be fancy, you can just sit in a chair if you like, with your back unsupported and your hips stable and preferably immobile. Next focus on your breathing. Deliberately draw in breath, hold it, let it out with control, hold. It will take a few rounds to find your rhythm. Just don't force it. Once you have a good rhythm going, you can turn your attention to your thoughts. Try not to get attached to them, just let them come and go. Finally, recall what it is that you need to figure out. Let all the thoughts attached to it come up without getting attached to them. Just let them come and go. Whenever you find yourself getting to caught up in ideas or feelings back off and come back to your breathing. When you've regained calm and focus, try again. You don't have to go long. 10 mins will be fine. Though I consider 15 to be optimal. I hope this helps.