Jot-Aro Kujo

Question: What would you say that means for aros who are still interested in pursuing romantic relationships?

It sounds like even you don’t think it could really be a crush. I don’t see why it would be. I think your other friend needs to learn to mind her own business and not try to dictate other people’s feelings for them.

I’m always emotionally vulnerable babeyyy!!!! I have ADHD and everything hurts ✌️ Yeet

@eatingcroutons is right to some degree, I will admit I made too many assumptions about the relationship, and in that regard I was at least a bit too harsh. I definitely don't agree with everything you've said, Crou (which I won't go into detail on because it's not relevant, god knows this forum has enough of an issue of people going off on nitpicky tangents already, we don't have to agree on everything and that's fine), but I will admit that I should have been more... Thoughtful. Oof. Sorry! That being said, I'm glad I was able to provide some useful perspective... I think? Good luck.

"Oh, asexual? So you're asexual? You mean asexual? You're aroace? Hey, Alex, you're asexual, right? So you're not interested in sex? You're asexual? Hey has anyone ever told you you have really pretty eyes you look lovely today are you doing anything this Saturday-" Nah, but for real though... My best friend is pretty chill with it. My family initially reacted horribly (calling me a robot who uses people for sex, etc.), but now they're... I mean they make hurtful jokes sometimes, but at least they don't try to talk me out of it or anything? But yeah, most people I encounter can't seem to understand that aromantic and asexual mean different things, if they can even somewhat grasp the concept at all instead of thinking I'm just saying "I haven't had a boyfriend yet" or "I'm not an overly affectionate person" or flat out just tuning out what I said entirely.

Welcome! Always nice to hear from other bi aros.

I agree. To act as if the relationship means nothing is to dismiss 13 years of him including you in his life. I understand it may be disappointing to learn that he doesn't experience the same type of attraction towards you as you do to him, but why should that make it less important? Do you seriously believe someone would stay married and put in the time, energy, money, and effort to raise three kids with someone they only care about exclusively for sex? Get real. You know your relationship. If there wasn't a huge problem with your marriage before, why would there be now? To act as if your partner never "really" loved you just because he's aromantic is extremely disrespectful to him, it's disrespectful to you as the person he clearly cares about, it's disrespectful to your children who grew into the people they are as a product of the love between you two, and it's disrespectful to all aromantics. Now, are you going to let a long-standing partnership fall apart because you're too narrow-minded to see anything in your partner beyond harmful stereotypes regarding his orientation, or are you going to demonstrate to him that you love and support him in his self-discovery? Oh, and frankly, I'd be pretty devastated if I found out that my partner of 13 years thinks I don't care about them based on what label I choose to put on the relationship rather than my actual actions, so you better hope he doesn't read this forum, or you better be prepared to offer him a hell of an apology.

Simple. It's romantic if they feel like it is. At the end of the day, no matter what activities someone decides to take part in in relation to their attractions, or what it looks like to outsiders, it's about what they feel, not what they do. Romantic attraction isn't some combination of other feelings, it's a feeling in itself. Everyone says it is, and I see no reason why we should assume that they're lying, or too stupid to understand their own feelings. If I say I'm friends with someone, would it make any sense to question whether friendship is even something that exists or if it's just a misinterpretation of other feelings? No. If I say I'm friends with someone, then I'm friends with someone. So why do that to romance? If someone says they feel romantic attraction, then they feel romantic attraction. The end. Now, what makes certain acts romantically coded is a fine question for sociologists and anthropologists, but I don't think it's at all right to make assumptions about other people's feelings. And, again, I really don't like the implication that my attractions could be in any way considered romance, and I really, really think assuming romance has to do with sex is extremely unfair and disrespectful to asexual people.

I'm sorry, but this is... Not right at all. First of all, asexuals exist. To say that romance is merely a combination of sexual attraction and friendship is extremely acephobic. Plenty of people experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction, and you need to respect that. Secondly, as someone who is the opposite- I experience sexual attraction, but not romantic attraction- I am VERY offended by the implication that if I were to enter a sexual relationship with one of my friends, that would qualify as "romantic". None of my attractions are romantic, no matter how they may or may not overlap. I understand that romance can seem almost fake at times from an aro perspective, and I don't think it's wrong to try to think philosophically about the nuances of different types of attractions people feel (or don't feel), but please, please try to be careful with the conclusions you come to. Try to think about things from different perspectives, and be very careful what labels you try to put on others for them. It's really not fair to try to assume other people's feelings; No matter how it may sound to us, deciding that alloros are just making it up and don't "really" feel romance is just as horrible and disrespectful as it is for them to assume that we're making things up and not "really" aromantic. Please have respect for other people's feelings, and let them label them for themselves.

I'm not a PoC, but I am hispanic and tired of having to explain to stupid exclusionshit fuckheads why deeming asexuality a "white people thing" is, in fact, extremely racist, because hey! I don't like being subjected to the spicy latina lover stereotype! ?

That would require them actually existing, so no.

I... Don't know? Do you have evidence to support this claim? What men are you even talking about? Bruh you know what website you're on? Why are you asking us. Are you ok. Are you dating a man whose wife died

Yeah, that's pretty much how it's used.

Not me, but try joining some aro Discord servers. There's lots of folks with alters hanging around there.

In fact, in many ways they are! Do a little research into the subject yourself. I say this as someone with at least two mental illnesses, both of which have changed classification several times over the course of my lifetime.

How can you claim you're not trying to make people feel unwelcome, while simultaneously saying their identities don't exist?

I'll get off your case when you stop trying to define how "allo" or "aro" people are without having been invited to. No one can define their orientations but themselves, and I know that a lot of arospecs actually do not feel welcome in the aro community because of people like you- People who tell them "Oh, actually you're just allo" or "Oh, you're aro now/you've always been aro and just had internalized arophobia". It is our job to make these people feel welcome and to feel accepted for who they are, and make them feel like they can define their own lives, without trying to police their identities and categorize people for them. Knock. It. Off.

"I'm speaking from personal experience," you say, as you try to armchair label someone else's personal experience,

Hey, stop calling arospecs alloromantic. That's pretty fuckin rude and dismissive. If arospecs are somehow "allo" for feeling romantic attraction in any capacity, then bisexuals must be "straight" for being sometimes attracted to the "opposite" gender, and I'm sure we all know that's not true. (Or at least I should hope so, cause I ain't playing the biphobia game with anybody.)

Think of it like the LGBTQ+ community. Obviously (to pick an arbitrary example), gay people are not bi, and bi people are not gay, and I'm sure most of them would not consider themselves a part of those specific communities (i.e. I, as a bisexual, do not consider myself part of the lesbian community because I'm not a lesbian). But at the same time, most of them do consider themselves part of a larger unified community, based on the experiences that they do very much share and the benefit that can be gained from unifying with each other. That's how I feel about the aspec community; I don't consider myself ace, and I don't consider myself a lesbian, but I do consider myself aspec and queer.

Ah, that makes sense. Well, good luck figuring it out!

Well... Can't say I've found a solution either, but at least I can say you're not the only one? (I'm 21, lmao)

I think that yes, it should be inclusive. How inclusive is up to who feels like being included. If someone feels like their lack of a certain kind of attraction impacts their life and identity enough to seek out our community, then I think they should absolutely be included, regardless of how else they may identify. If someone pops in saying they're heterosexual heteroromantic aplatonic, then clearly something has compelled them to seek community for that; I don't think it would be fair to turn them away. I'm also fond of the term "aspec" (ignoring the pronunciation issue) because, speaking of an allo aro, it's what- to me- joins the ace and aro communities together. I am not part of the asexual community. I cannot be part of the asexual community, don't want to be, and presumably they would not want me to be either, given that I am, as mentioned, not asexual. But at the same time, there is a ton of overlap between the aro and ace communities, not only due to the number of aroaces out there, but because of shared history and experiences. I think it's important to acknowledge that overlap, and to be allies to each other, so the aspec community is the union of both the ace and aro communities as one large, diverse whole. "Ace and aro" more implies a partnership than a single unified community, imo.

Have you done any research into the term "genderfluid"? Idk much about what you're feeling, since I'm cis, but of the terms I know that one immediately came to mind based on your description. If you have thought about it before, don't mind me, but I thought it might be worth mentioning in case maybe you've never heard of it before.