hemogoblin

Remember that boundaries are not about how other people treat you. They are about how you react to how others treat you. If you struggle with boundaries in general, then there's a lot of books out there geared towards helping you practice respecting your own boundaries, like Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Where to Draw the Line, or When It's Never About You. If it's just this person you struggle with boundaries, then it's worth exploring why. Doing some journaling on your interactions might help you figure this out. Things you can do might be to set yourself a schedule for when you're up to interacting with them and then setting their contact to mute/DnD outside of those times so you're not seeing their messages and it's not on your mind.

Good news! Grayros are aro, so you can be grayro and just call yourself aro. That's perfectly fine. Having crushes doesn't make you not aro. Having a crush every half a decade certainly falls as "low". Younger people tend to have weekly or monthly crushes. A study actually reported that for college age folk, they had a little less than roughly a crush a month. As you age, that evens out a bit, but I would still say at least few a year is the typical allo experience. My point is: you're valid! :)

Huh. It's interesting that I get people's ideals. Like, I think it's a good idea to have an idea of what you are looking for or at least what you like and don't like. But I certainly never had an ideal myself when I was allro/dating. Like, I dunno. People are gonna be who they are. Sometimes I like them. Sometimes I don't. I don't think it comes down to certain traits. I think it's a whole lotta things and a little bit of luck if we end up getting along. Purely physical types, I've never gotten, though, and considering how often they tend to be bigoted, people talking about physical ideals just kinda gives me the ick.

I never connected with the amatonormative expectation of relationships either, even when I was (probably) allro. I ended up in a monogamous relationship because that's what he wanted, but I always wished he'd be open to an ENM relationship so he could seek out the aspects of a typical relationship that I had no interest in fulfilling. I also didn't prescribe to the idea of cheating. I knew what cheating meant to him, but there was no way he could have cheated on me because I was okay with anything. Like, I don't own you. One person can't be someone else's everything. So what if you kiss or cuddle or fuck someone else? You do you! I hope it made you happy. I'm happy you're happy. =) I was also really touch repulsed in general, though, and surrounded by a looooooot of touchy-feely people, so that was probably the root of my perspective. I knew people wanted a lot of things I couldn't comfortably give in a lot of different types of relationships, and I was relieved when they were able to receive those desires from different people. I don't want them to be unhappy or hurt. I just also want that same respect. To be fair, I think there are a lot of promises and priorities people break that are deal breakers all the time (wanting kids vs not wanting them, when you want kids, wanting marriage vs not wanting marriage, where people want to live, etc.) but none of those are a betrayal like cheating is considered to be. They're more disagreements than hurtful actions (though I also know alloro people who have taken things like this personally and grieved in a very similar way, tbh).

Depends on the person, time, and place. :P I personally don't really have a preference beyond not he/she/it, but especially when you're not using typical pronouns, there's a pressure to choose and provide them for people (and then accept that they're gonna call you he or she anyway). I don't have a particular desire to look good feminine, but I also just feel so seen by this! I don't get all the rules and expectations of feminine presentation at all. So time consuming and takes so much skill!

Thank you!!! Haha, you're not late - it should have died 10 months ago, but I'm way too excited about my new tat, lol.

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Ah, I see. That's a really difficult situation. Fortunately, I've not had too much trouble like that, but I'm also pretty selective about the people I keep around in my life. Tbh, if your "friends" are the type of people to out you without consent and bully or turn against you for your identity, then they're just not your friends. It's easier said than done, but I would suggest distancing yourself from this group and freeing yourself to make some real friends. I'm so sorry you feel trapped and threatened.

You could try just emphasizing that your relationship is group project partners and snubbing any offers to socialize elsewhere. So, like, if she asks for your number and it's not necessary, you can say "I'm not comfortable giving that out. Let's stick to [school email, meeting after school, whatever]." or if it is necessary and she texts you small talk, you can respond "let's go ahead and keep things about the project only. Thanks!" Or if she asks questions to get to know you, then you can deflect and turn things back to the group project. Now if you are interested in being her friend, then instead of emphasizing that you're project buddies. Calling her "bro" should be pretty effective if appropriate to do so. If she keeps complimenting your looks, you can hint or say that it's inappropriate you. "Why do you say that? It seems like kind of a weird thing to tell a classmate. I'd like to just focus on this project." There's always the option to try being direct, though you may or may not decide to wait until this project is complete. You do not need to come out to be direct. "Hey, I might really be misreading things, and I wanted to thank you for partnering with me on this project, but I just want to be clear that I'm only interested in finishing this project with you. I think you're a great person, but I wouldn't be interested in dating." I do not suggest trying to make her angry. Besides the fact that this could really mess up your project, it's just unnecessarily mean, especially when she hasn't done anything wrong and perhaps she asked to be your partner for other reasons (maybe she needs some new friends?). If you feel the need to go a less direct route, then I would more suggest making up a fake partner and start slipping your girlfriend/boyfriend into conversation. Perhaps a fake person you know through a family friend or an out-of-school extracurricular. It doesn't need to be a lot. They don't need a whole backstory. Just a mention or two of "oh yeah, I saw that movie with my [partner]". If she digs for information you can say "yeah, I don't talk about them a lot because I guess I don't see the need to. I find it easier to just talk to people at school about things and people we all have in common. So, let's get back to the project, huh?"

So, I'm looking for some feedback for the Carnival of Aros. I have a feeling it's just the current online culture, considering how popular the Carnival of Aces has consistently been and yet recently has suffered the same lack of attention and growth as the smaller Carnival of Aros, but it seems worth asking. We often struggle to find hosts and participation is consistently pretty low, so I'm looking for some feedback to dig into why this could be and if there's anything we can do to improve it. Carnival of Aros information/site here: https://carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/about/ Guided questions: What are your thoughts on the Carnival of Aros? Is the Carnival of Aros useful to you? Are there changes that would make the Carnival of Aros more exciting or generally accessible to you? If applicable, what are the reasons you don't or haven't participated in the Carnival of Aros? I'd be interested in anything you have to say about the Carnival of Aros at all, good, bad, constructive, etc. I have also created a google forms if you want to leave feedback more anonymously. All questions are optional, so you can answer as many or as few as you want. Thanks!

Would you mind talking about what it is to you a little bit more? Or linking to somewhere where you've done so in the past? o3o

Sure, if that's what feels right to do/that's what you want to do.

Can you give an example of the kind of issue you're thinking of?

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What do you mean by research?

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In what way? This kinda just sounded like a vent to me.

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You can find November's announcement over on tumblr by exploringaspec for The Aplatonic Spectrum! Find out more about AUREA's Book Project here. We also need hosts for December and January, if you are willing to host! Hosting is easy and low time commitment and a great way to connect with the community. Find out how to host here.

Responses can be found here.

Thank you very much! :)

Just like being horny/sex drive/libido and sexual attraction are two different things, arousal and sexual attraction are also two different things. Horniness/sex drive/libido = sensation of desiring sex/masturbation (could be physical, mental, or both) Arousal = physical reaction related to sexual feelings/actions (ex. getting a boner, tingling in clit, getting wet - all of which can happen regardless of if you're having sex/masturbating or not) Sexual attraction = feeling a physical and mental desire/pull to have sex with a specific person in particular In my experience, what you're describing is arousal: your body acting up on instinct even though you may not be horny or sexually attracted to anyone. It is a SUPER weird, confusing, and foreign experience to have no attraction (or libido) and start experiencing arousal. It is SO strange. But it can happen. It's basically just electrical impulses causing your body to react. It doesn't inherently mean you experience sexual attraction or even have a libido.

This is a useful site for finding recs: https://lgbtqreads.com/representation/romantic-sexual-orientation/ As is the AroAce Database! https://www.aroacedatabase.com/results?search=aro The only one I've read myself was the Market of Monsters trilogy, where the protagonists' aromanticism is definitely not the focus. I enjoyed the books, but they weren't the best I've ever read (good enough that I finished but not great enough that I'd read them again) and they do get really dark, which may or may not be your thing.