Do y'all also feel like this?

[Helion]

I just wanna know how common it is, so feel free to drop your experiences, no matter where on the spectrum you are as an aromantic person. 

I just... Don't have a fundamental understanding of romantic relationships most of the time.

Back when I thought I was allo I questioned whether I could be poly because I didn't understand why you would specifically only be with one partner. I never ended up calling myself that because I simply didn't care enough, though, but it just feels so random to me.

Another aspect of it is that I know that cheating is an awful thing to do and if I had a partner I would NOT do it simply because I wouldn't want to hurt a person this gravely, but on a very honest mental level I have honestly no idea why having sex with someone but your partner is bad. If no one told me that I'd literally never even have the idea that it's something bad and I wouldn't mind if my partner did it. I seriously don't get the issue with it, like darn, why is it such an awful immediately relationship-ending thing?

I only know it by facts, but not by my emotions or feelings, I just don't get it. 

 

If you have any experiences/opinions to tell feel free to drop them!

 

Little addition because it just came to my mind - I remember hearing about the term "open relationship" for the first time and being kind of confused. Why would a relationship in which both partners have sex with other people be considered 'open', as if you are inviting other people into the relationship?

You can have a committed relationship and have sex with other people, that's pretty normal, right?

- Cluelessly aromantic 14 or so years old me.

[Guest]

I´ve always known what a relationship is but I've heard many aromantics experience the same thing you do so dw. I think that the sex thing is just from jealousy, some people have tried to have open relationships with their partners because they also wanted to have sex with someone else, but still loved them. They failed because they got jealous, and thought that they would develop romantic feelings for the other sexual partners. Also, an open relationship does mean inviting both romantic and/or sexual partners into a relationship lol.

[MondoBilby]

 I understand how romance works on a basic level, but some of the feelings and thoughts people describe about it do confuse me.

I don't like cheating though, mostly because I think of it as a betrayal of trust, nothing to do with jealousy or anything. To me, it's like if you and your best friend had a special secret handshake with each other, but then you see your best friend doing that handshake with someone else you've never met even though you both promised you'd never share it. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'd get the slight feeling that the best friend has lost interest and/or doesn't cherish their relationship with me as much anymore. I imagine that would be a bigger deal for people who are more intimate with each other.

It's funny, because most of the descriptions I've heard about what it's like to feel romantic attraction just sound like anxiety in some way or another. Or excitement, those feelings are very similar, but it mostly reminds me of anxiety. Honestly, it just sounds tiring lol

[Holmbo]

I totally relate about not relating to cheating. Why is that considered to be such a deal breaker compared to other promises or priorities one could break.

[Neon]

21 hours ago, Helion said:

Another aspect of it is that I know that cheating is an awful thing to do and if I had a partner I would NOT do it simply because I wouldn't want to hurt a person this gravely, but on a very honest mental level I have honestly no idea why having sex with someone but your partner is bad. If no one told me that I'd literally never even have the idea that it's something bad and I wouldn't mind if my partner did it. I seriously don't get the issue with it, like darn, why is it such an awful immediately relationship-ending thing?

this confused me forever too! I thought it was a jealousy thing lmao. People eventually explained that it's a betrayal of trust with your partner. You are going behind your partner's back, and violating one of the essential rules of the relationship.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Much like some other aros here, I understand romantic relationships, and even romantic attraction, on a surface level.

I understand romantic attraction is a strong, heavy feeling, and I can only grasp that through my rare alterous attraction, but romantic relationships, though I understand are created because two (or more) people feel that type of attraction towards one another - still doesn't quite compute in my brain.

I think it's because I'm non-partnering/nonamorous that any intimate relationship, other than platonic and familial, I just don't understand. There's parts of me that wishes I wanted that (romantic or queerplatonic relationships), but in actuality I just don't get it nor do I desire it.

A recent moment I had was that I was very confused about marriage, since even thinking of two people being in love and so much so that they get married, trips my brain. It's not that I'm trying to say people shouldn't be in those relationships, and shouldn't be monogamous, nor get married, but I certainly do vibe on the I-don't-get-it, a little bit.

The cheating aspect, I can understand both sides. I understand how the forced and over-sexualized save-it-for-The-One ideology is what fuels most monogamous relationships, but then again, if you and your partner set up a boundary where it's not okay to sleep with another person, and then that's broken, I can understand the upset over your partner doing that. In my mind, at least.

[hemogoblin]

I never connected with the amatonormative expectation of relationships either, even when I was (probably) allro. I ended up in a monogamous relationship because that's what he wanted, but I always wished he'd be open to an ENM relationship so he could seek out the aspects of a typical relationship that I had no interest in fulfilling. I also didn't prescribe to the idea of cheating. I knew what cheating meant to him, but there was no way he could have cheated on me because I was okay with anything. Like, I don't own you. One person can't be someone else's everything. So what if you kiss or cuddle or fuck someone else? You do you! I hope it made you happy. I'm happy you're happy. =)

I was also really touch repulsed in general, though, and surrounded by a looooooot of touchy-feely people, so that was probably the root of my perspective. I knew people wanted a lot of things I couldn't comfortably give in a lot of different types of relationships, and I was relieved when they were able to receive those desires from different people. I don't want them to be unhappy or hurt. I just also want that same respect.

On 11/6/2023 at 8:56 AM, Holmbo said:

Why is that considered to be such a deal breaker compared to other promises or priorities one could break.

To be fair, I think there are a lot of promises and priorities people break that are deal breakers all the time (wanting kids vs not wanting them, when you want kids, wanting marriage vs not wanting marriage, where people want to live, etc.) but none of those are a betrayal like cheating is considered to be. They're more disagreements than hurtful actions (though I also know alloro people who have taken things like this personally and grieved in a very similar way, tbh).

Edited November 8, 2023 by hemogoblin

[Holmbo]

17 hours ago, Neon said:

this confused me forever too! I thought it was a jealousy thing lmao. People eventually explained that it's a betrayal of trust with your partner. You are going behind your partner's back, and violating one of the essential rules of the relationship.

Yes this is it. I don't understand why it's an essential rule that so many people have. To me I could think of a hundred other things that would be more important to me in a relationship than sexual monogamy. But this is why I identify as relationship anarchist.

[DeltaAro]

On 11/6/2023 at 1:26 PM, MondoBilby said:

I don't like cheating though, mostly because I think of it as a betrayal of trust, nothing to do with jealousy or anything.

It is of course unethical to break promises. Aside from the super-special status sexual monogamy has, the comparison to promises also breaks down since faithfulness is sometimes implicitly assumed, though no promise was given before.

Of course, this is a generational thing and may be on its way out. But then I still sometimes hear about young people who didn't have the "exclusive talk" and then get furious after "cheating".

When writing this I again notice how dating and relationships feel so cringe for me (please, I don't claim that they're "objectively" cringe).

How do you even phrase that? How do they practically have that talk?

"Hello, Nonexistica, I hope you like ❤️ me the same way I like you. So I would ask you if we are exclusive ❣️ now ⁉️"

"Nope!"

🙈

I can understand why some people want to avoid that and just implicitly assume it.

[hemogoblin]

On 11/6/2023 at 11:58 AM, Neon said:

this confused me forever too! I thought it was a jealousy thing lmao. People eventually explained that it's a betrayal of trust with your partner. You are going behind your partner's back, and violating one of the essential rules of the relationship.

To be fair, it's definitely related to/wrapped up in jealousy imo. It's not at all unrelated. Jealousy is a biiiig thing in committed relationships and especially (but not only!) monogamous ones. I'd be really interested in doing some sort of study to explore how amatonormativity intensifies and encourages jealousy (when you tell people they're supposed to have one most important relationship and de-prioritize all other relationships in a social, communal species, it makes sense to me that you're going to pretty much mass produce loneliness and jealousy issues).

[nonmerci]

On 11/5/2023 at 10:15 PM, Helion said:

Another aspect of it is that I know that cheating is an awful thing to do and if I had a partner I would NOT do it simply because I wouldn't want to hurt a person this gravely, but on a very honest mental level I have honestly no idea why having sex with someone but your partner is bad. If no one told me that I'd literally never even have the idea that it's something bad and I wouldn't mind if my partner did it. I seriously don't get the issue with it, like darn, why is it such an awful immediately relationship-ending thing?

About that I don't think it is only about sleeping with someone else, but also about breaking the agreement the relationship is based on (which is why cheating is also possible in a polyamorous relationship). Now it is true that it is strange that other betrayals are not seen as important, but I suppose it is because it touches the relationship itself and because people have thoughts like "if they see someone else to fulfill what our relationship should fulfill, then it is not working".

 

I have an understanding of romance mainly based on fiction, which makes sound like not a great portrayal but a friend of mine said to me that fiction do represent how it works accurately, though it exagerates how crazy people can be about it. So not optimal but not an unacurate understanding.