does anyone feel that their gender identity has influenced their orientation

[ellie04]

I feel like being who I am has definitely influenced it in some ways and I don't think I'd be aspec if I wasn't the gender that I am.

 

[SwiftySpeedy]

No, not really I'm cisgender.

[TrueEvergreen]

I think it's the other way around for me, the fact that im aroace led to me realizing my gender identity

[HelloThere]

I think I’m cis? I’m not sure but yeah my orientation would actually be what helps me along the way.

[Balfrog]

I think my gender identity and orientations played more into my confusion at gender for others then into each other.

[WanderingEvan]

On 6/2/2023 at 8:02 PM, Anaim said:

I think it's the other way around for me

Same for me! I think that me being ace (and more specifically my sex aversion) has influenced my aversion towards gendered aspects of myself. However, I do think that my lack of gender isn't inherently influenced by my orientation.

[Queerdo]

I do not find the concept of "romance" accessible to me as a queer person.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

I honestly don't really know with this question. I realized my gender first, and then my aromanticism, but I know that because of who I am now that I couldn't be one without the other.

[Keith]

Kind of?? It's a long story... I found out that I wasn't straight before I realized that I'm not cis either, so it probably influenced what I identify as now, but I don't think it happened directly. I mean at first I thought I was bisexual, but then it hit me that I wasn't really attracted to men, which immediately led me to the mindset that I must be a lesbian then. But after I started identifying as a lesbian I started questioning my gender identity as well, and it was a hell of a journey... I tried pretty much every single label, and even now all I know is that I'm somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. 

So, my point is that yes, my gender questioning definitely helped me realise that I'm aroace, but I don't think it was the main factor.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Keith

[Atypique]

I'd say it's the contrary, my orientation is "fuck society" (aroace) and therefore my gender is also "fuck society" (non binary)

[nonmerci]

There is the label arogender but I think it is more the other way around (when aromanticisim influences the gender).

[AstrophelDragon]

Probably not really. I'm asexual and idk how genderfluid would affect that. Maybe there's some sex repulsion bc of dysphoria, idk, but I'm so sex-repulsed and so unattracted in that way anyway I don't think it matters.

I'm not really sure about my romantic orientation, I feel like I'm basically aromantic, but like, idk there's some weird things that seem to contradict that and it bothers me that I don't have a clear-cut definition of what romance is. So if I'm not just aromantic, then I don't see how I could be "straight" or "gay" when my gender changes all the time. But other than that it doesn't mean much either

[MulticulturalFarmer]

For sure, but only in terms of the labels, since I am an intersex person, it almost feels like I have to be "pansexual" by default.

[aRowanAce]

I feel like once I figured out orientation, identity came quickly after.

[loveloses]

Not really, but I think realizing I was trans made it possible for me to accept I am aro.

[Alysia]

My realisation of my gender came not long before that of my romantic orientation. I didn't really question my orientation(s) before I knew I was agender because my sexual attractions meant I was "straight" according to the gender I was assigned at birth, so it was left just unquestioned; I feel my aro-ness was obscured because I simply didn't know that romantic attraction was a thing and I thought that I just had different priorities (that's true, but I had no reason to give for that), but when I figured out my gender, I became open enough to realise that I'm aro.

As for whether they literally influence each other, I wouldn't say so, as I feel gender and romantic attraction just straight up don't exist within me, so how could something that doesn't exist affect something else that doesn't exist? I have thought about whether the reason I don't experience one is the same reason I don't experience the other, but it's not as if I know why either are absent, or that I think it matters why.

[flowingleaves]

Personally it's more the other way round for me. The aromanticism made me genderqueer. I think it personally has something to do with me viewing society treating gender roles as something that don't matter a lot of the time but absolutely matter when discussing romance and relationships so not doing romance led to me letting go of gender more easily than I would have if I had to participate in all that. If that makes sense, I guess.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

With much further thought, I do sometimes compare my "lack" of gender similarly to my lack of romantic attraction. I don't know if my gender effects my aromanticism that much, or at all, but these two identities are outside of a binary, or are at least outside of any norm that society has placed in regards to identity, so there's that.

Edited November 19, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[retrobeetism]

Yes, for sure. I feel like having genders that aren't strictly male or female and the way society categorise attraction in highly binary terms have made me feel alienated from the concept of attraction itself.

[Rook on the Hook]

Far, far moreso for my sexual orientation than my romantic one, but my gender absolutely affects how my aromanticism is perceived. Being very traditionally masc-presenting to the point that people generally assume I'm a cishet man while being aromantic and--if not quite allosexual, greysexual and sex favorable enough that most people would never know otherwise--means unavoidably dealing with the stereotype of being a misogynistic player who sees women as only sexual objects to be used, whose sexuality is inherently predatory because it's not "redeemed" by romantic love. It's certainly not a stereotype exclusive to men (the predatory lesbian stereotype comes to mind), but it's been pretty telling just how differently people treat my orientation since transitioning.

At the same time, I find myself having to justify my complete disinterest in romance a lot less often than I did when living as a woman. No one expects me to have been daydreaming of my wedding day since I was a little kid anymore, and people just accept at face value that I'm more focused on other things. It's really a double-edged sword, where I can be unapologetically aro without question so long as I just never talk about my sexuality.

And that's not only pertaining to circles where I'm stealth. Transphobia and gender essentialism can combine with stereotypes about aros in some pretty ugly ways, and it's unfortunately not uncommon to run into some really vile assumptions in spaces I would have assumed were safe. I can only imagine how much worse it is for  transfemmes, who are automatically assumed to be dangerous and predatory even before you throw aromanticism into the mix--doubly so for transfemmes of color.

All that said, I do sometimes wonder if having to understand my romantic and sexual orientation as nuanced things on a broad and non-linear spectrum is at all related to my comfort with not putting a strict label on my gender. It definitely seems like my allo trans friends are a lot more deadset on having the perfect label for their gender than I am. I'm already living in shades of grey, so why would I sweat whether I'm nonbinary or not when the answer has no bearing on what pronouns I like and what I want from my body?