About Allo-Aros.

[Storm_leopardcat]

I would like to know what it is like to be aromantic and allosexual. For some reason, I seem to be able to tell what it's like to be alloromantic asexual, much more easily than what it is like to be aromantic and allosexual? 

Maybe because a only a romantic relationship between two people, without a sexual relationship being present, or sexual attraction present (and maybe romance in a relationship without sex), is more heard of, than vice versa?

Like maybe it's because people find a romantic relationship without the sex or without a sexual relationship to be less dirty, or more wholesome? Do people consider sexual relationships without romantic attraction/romance, or a romantic relationship, to be creepy, or more dirty, or something?

I can sort of tell what it's like to be asexual and allosexual, but not so much when it comes to being aromantic and allosexual. Maybe it's my own experiences with attractions?? I can sort of tell what a romantic relationship between two allo-asexual people would look like, without the sexual attraction, or sex, or a sexual relationship being present, but a sexual relationship between allo-aromantic people.  Is it maybe because sexual relationships without romance, romantic attraction, or romantic relationships are seen as or depicted as being one-night stands, or without commitment? Basically one-time occurrences?  

It's like romantic relationships with sex/sexual relationships can be a thing, and are fine, but not vice versa?? IDK, I can't see what that would be like in theory, let alone practically?

So, I am basically asking for experiences of what it is like to be aromantic and asexual, and maybe also what it is like to be in a relationship without romance/romantic relationship (if you have been in one).

Sorry if I offended anyone, please tell me if I used a phrase, or said something that was rude/insensitive/wrong.
(Oh, for reference, I lack romantic attraction, as well as sexual attraction).

[Angrboda]

Okay, so admittedly, despite being in my mid 30s, I have zero actual experience... But, if I were in a relationship, I think I'd just want it to be like a very best friend, who was close to my age, wanted the same things from life, & wanted to be exclusive sexual partners. But, at the same time, no dating, no marriage, no kids, separate houses, separate bank accounts, &, just in general, not spending too much time together. Not sure if that answers your question or not, but that's what I think it would be like for me. XD

[aro_elise]

well, like anyone else, the type of attraction/feelings i have toward a person dictates the type of relationship/activities i want with them.  i'm never romantically attracted to anyone, so i don't want to date anyone.   if i'm sexually attracted to someone, i want to have sex with them.  if i like someone's personality, i want to spend time with them as friends.  it's possible that i might have both these feelings toward the same person, but they'd still be unrelated.  in such a case, if he only wanted one of those things, that would be fine, i can always have the other one with other people.  in sexual situations i don't experience emotions (i don't consider sexual excitement and attraction to be emotions), even if i do in other situations with the same person.  this is just me though.  and yes, some people have problems with casual sex or whatever, but they're not my problems.

[nonmerci]

I can't answer the alloaro part but

 

On 11/10/2022 at 7:08 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

Is it maybe because sexual relationships without romance, romantic attraction, or romantic relationships are seen as or depicted as being one-night stands, or without commitment? Basically one-time occurrences?  

It's like romantic relationships with sex/sexual relationships can be a thing, and are fine, but not vice versa?? IDK, I can't see what that would be like in theory, let alone practically?

I can say there is a high chance that you can't picture this because of amatonormative representations that society gave us, as you said. Right now I tried to picture a movie, show or book with a "sexual but not romantic" relationship and all I have are :

-one night stand

-people who fear commitment

-relationships that start with "just sex, no romance" but then the people involved "catch feelings" and start dating

So it made it hard for people to imagine what sexual relationships are without romance as we never have representation of a sexual relationships that don't follow those criteria.

Now of course there are people who just one night stand and that's OK, but not everyone.

 

On the other hand, for romantic but not sexual relationships, movies and books don't always show the sexual part (even if it is implied sometimes), so I suppose it makes it easier to imagine.

 

At least that's my thoughts on why it is easier for you to imagine one of these relationships but not the other.

Edited November 12, 2022 by nonmerci

[DeltaAro]

On 11/10/2022 at 7:08 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

Like maybe it's because people find a romantic relationship without the sex or without a sexual relationship to be less dirty, or more wholesome? Do people consider sexual relationships without romantic attraction/romance, or a romantic relationship, to be creepy, or more dirty, or something?

Probably, but that's a modern development. Traditionally in most cultures the presence or absence of romance was nearly completely irrelevant. Instead marriage was the deciding factor if sex was regarded as wholesome or frowned upon. And those marriages were often rather "aromantic".

[aro_elise]

15 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Now of course there are people who just one night stand and that's OK, but not everyone.

yeah tbh i often wonder whether people (any orientations) would be so quick to emphasize that non-romantic sex "isn't necessarily one-night stands" and similar sentiments if not for the existing general perceptions of certain types of relationships; really, i believe disdain for sex without romantic affection/commitment and disdain for sex without any affection/commitment aren't so different.  it's still amatonormativity.  it feels like when allo aces try to appeal to aphobics by proudly proclaiming that they "can still love".  obviously i understand that stating your own preference or explaining that it applies to a number of people doesn't inherently equate to taking a moral stance.  but you know what i mean?    

[alto]

When people talk about commitment in allo-aro relationships, I always think of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO series.  They have rather good representation on that score.  A lot of the main characters in that series are allo-aro, and in my opinion it's very well-done.  But I'm an aro-ace.  What would I know?

[Storm_leopardcat]

10 hours ago, alto said:

When people talk about commitment in allo-aro relationships, I always think of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO series.  They have rather good representation on that score.  A lot of the main characters in that series are allo-aro, and in my opinion it's very well-done.  But I'm an aro-ace.  What would I know?

You mean to say Lisbeth is allo aro?

[alto]

Her, and many of the other characters.

[EternallyTBD]

As an aro ace, I’m curious. How do you allo-aros separate your romantic and sexual attraction? Or, how are they different? And can you feel sexual attraction on an emotional attachment level?

[aro_elise]

2 hours ago, EternallyTDB said:

As an aro ace, I’m curious. How do you allo-aros separate your romantic and sexual attraction? Or, how are they different? And can you feel sexual attraction on an emotional attachment level?

well there is no romantic attraction, so nothing to separate.  do you mean how do we know it's not romantic?  based on my understanding of what romantic attraction is, you know, i can't relate.  and personally, no, there's never anything emotional about it, but that might not be true of all of us.  

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

It's not complicated. I don't feel romantic attraction, I do feel sexual attraction. I have sex sometimes and I ain't dating anybody. Aside from being lowkey ostracized by media and frequently subjected to cruel comments about my orientation, it's not really that much different from anybody else, I would think.

[AromanticAardvark]

I'm honestly not sure how to describe being aroallo, it's just what I am. But I'll give my best shot!

First, I guess I would say when I have "crushes", they're not romantic. I don't want to go on dates with them, or kiss them in a non-sexual context (this is a big no for me, but it might be different for other aroallos). Instead, I might want to do sexual things with them (trying to be the least explicit I can, so this might be slightly too vague, sorry) and/or be good friends with them, similar to a squish. And I don't fantasize about romantic relationships with people, or have celebrity crushes

Also, you asked for experiences of non-romantic relationships, so here you go:

I'm currently in a QPR (sort of, we haven't really talked in a while), and basically that just means (for us) that we're friends, except occasionally when I come over to their house or vice versa, we have sex(ish, not PiV since neither of us have real or fake dicks). That's it. One time we went to a restaurant together and hung out. Sometimes we go to the mall together.

[DeltaAro]

On 11/13/2022 at 1:38 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

You mean to say Lisbeth is allo aro?

Lisbeth is basically asocial, but as a result of her experiences. So while she behaves allo-aro I don't think she's such a good example.

Overwhelmingly, allo-aros are otherwise rather normal and not psychologically disturbed and/or jaded.

😉

Edited November 15, 2022 by DeltaAro

[Acecream]

On 11/14/2022 at 12:16 AM, EternallyTDB said:

As an aro ace, I’m curious. How do you allo-aros separate your romantic and sexual attraction? Or, how are they different? And can you feel sexual attraction on an emotional attachment level?

I hope it's fine that I'm adding an answer, as an queersensual aroace

I'm aroace, so I can't speak for alloaros, but as an aroace with strong sensual attraction I can say that most of the time it's very easy to differ attractions/to tell wich kind of attraction I feel. Like to me it's clear that the attraction I feel towards persons and maybe persons bodies is sensual and not sexual, even if it might lead to physical intime actions

Edited November 15, 2022 by Acecream

[Storm_leopardcat]

On 11/14/2022 at 8:56 PM, AromanticAardvark said:

I'm honestly not sure how to describe being aroallo, it's just what I am. But I'll give my best shot!

First, I guess I would say when I have "crushes", they're not romantic. I don't want to go on dates with them, or kiss them in a non-sexual context (this is a big no for me, but it might be different for other aroallos). Instead, I might want to do sexual things with them (trying to be the least explicit I can, so this might be slightly too vague, sorry) and/or be good friends with them, similar to a squish. And I don't fantasize about romantic relationships with people, or have celebrity crushes

Also, you asked for experiences of non-romantic relationships, so here you go:

I'm currently in a QPR (sort of, we haven't really talked in a while), and basically that just means (for us) that we're friends, except occasionally when I come over to their house or vice versa, we have sex(ish, not PiV since neither of us have real or fake dicks). That's it. One time we went to a restaurant together and hung out. Sometimes we go to the mall together.

The word for crush, but analogous to sexual attraction, would be a smush.

[AromanticAardvark]

3 hours ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

The word for crush, but analogous to sexual attraction, would be a smush.

Yes, I know that but I was trying to explain without using too much terminology, since I wasn't sure what other people would know. But thank you!

Edited November 16, 2022 by AromanticAardvark

[Storm_leopardcat]

On 11/16/2022 at 8:56 PM, AromanticAardvark said:

Yes, I know that but I was trying to explain without using too much terminology, since I wasn't sure what other people would know. But thank you!

You’re welcome. I appreciate it!

[Holmbo]

On 11/13/2022 at 2:39 AM, alto said:

When people talk about commitment in allo-aro relationships, I always think of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO series.  They have rather good representation on that score.  A lot of the main characters in that series are allo-aro, and in my opinion it's very well-done.  But I'm an aro-ace.  What would I know?

Yeah I reread the first book pretty recently and I didn't realize until then that it's a good representarion. I view Salander as asexual and alloromantic though. She enjoys sex but it's stated later by one character that she doesn't seem to have an orientation, which I view as she does not experience sexually attraction. 

I read in a Swedish polyamory group a discussion about non monogamy in fiction and one person said that Berger's relationship with Blomkvist and her husband meant a lot to them as it was the first ethical non monogamy relationship they'd encountered.

 

@Storm_leopardcat

It's interesting that you feel sex free romantic relationships are more common than vise versa because I feel the opposite. In my country it would be viewed very weird by most if a romantic couple did not have sex.

Edited November 27, 2022 by Holmbo