Aromantics in writing

[SilentShadows]

Hello my fellow aros and aro-spec folks! Got a question for y'all who enjoy writing/roleplaying... what's your experiences with romance in these types of media?

For me, as a writer and an artist, I struggle to write anything related to romance. Closeness, or QPPs? Perfectly fine. I'm not asexual (only grey-ace), so I have no issue with... that side of things, but romance? Nope. My writing is part of how I finally came to an understanding that I was, in fact, aromantic. I would struggle, pretty consistently, with figuring out how to write romance. I read romance in books and other media, sure, but it always felt somewhat awkward, even if it wasn't rushed or probably made sense. The lead-up and tension was relatable, but the romantic feelings? Nah, not really. 

I've also struggled in roleplaying, too. I can't play characters that are alloromantic - it feels too strange and unnatural. Like I'm playing at a role I don't understand... which is pretty much the truth, haha. It can be alienating though, at times, as people love shipping and I just don't really get it. Closeness, QPPs, and friendships? Those are cool! But romance? Yeah... I don't really get it. 

So I'm curious! What are y'alls experiences? Are they the same, different, or somewhere in between?

Edited October 18, 2022 by SilentShadows

[Apex]

For roleplaying: I've done romantic RPs before and didn't have trouble with it. Both with writing characters experiencing romantic feelings, and with having the other player's characters experience romantic feelings towards mine. But I'm also a selfshipper so my perceptions are a bit skewed there.

For writing: I don't have anything against writing romance, but it's far from a priority. I really enjoy being a creator and getting the chance to express my identity and ideals through my work- part of that involves focusing on nonromantic relationships. The two main partnerships in the series I'm currently writing are nonromantic (with one explicitly being a QPR), and none of the main characters are romantically involved or that hung up about being single. I do plan on including some romance in the future though, and I don't think I'll have trouble with writing it. But my perspective will probably be different than the perspective an allo person writing for an allo audience would have.

If I was gonna write a story that had a heavy focus on romance, I think it'd have to be a human/monster situation or something similar 😅 I have little interest in "normative" romance and being aro plays a part in that.

[nonmerci]

Complicated. 

I don't necessarily have a problem with writing the build-up to romance, even if it sounds weird to me sometimes.

But the romantic relationship in itself ? Hard time. I'm trying right now and I know I fail. I have to make an effort to remember my characters have to act like a couple now, and I have no clue on how to do that naturally, it seems fake, like, some actions I had to their relation to make it look romantic but are not connecting to each other in a consistent way. Like, I don't know, a neurotypic person who tries to write an autistic character by giving them all the traits they read on the internet, but doesn't understand how being autistic really impact how they think or how they live. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry. What I want to say is : it feels forced, even if I do think the characters could be a great couple.

 

Maybe part of it is due to media ? Usually a movie ends little time after the first kiss. When there is a sequel, or this is a tv show, usually it focuses on relationship's drama. Happy couple moment are details before the storm. And don't get me started on toxic romance.  So I have a lot of exemples of build-up to romance, of people fighting, but not really of people in a (healthy) couple dynamic. That's probably why it is so hard for me to write it properly.

[Nix]

For my comics, romance is just not in the picture. My current webcomic is a slice of life story about a young witch (she’s 9) and I don’t bother with writing romance because I feel there are enough stories about romance.

As for roleplaying, I never play romantic characters, even if they have a ‘romantic’ relationship in game. For our current Burning Wheel campain, I play as a governess who has a husband and a son. The marriage is one of conveniance (as I assume most relationships were in ye olden days) and my character is too busy solving a murder case to bother with romance.

22 hours ago, SilentShadows said:

I can't play characters that are alloromantic - it feels too strange and unnatural. Like I'm playing at a role I don't understand... which is pretty much the truth, haha.

Yeah pretty much this. Luckily my group is not much interested in it either.

[SilentShadows]

On 10/18/2022 at 10:25 AM, Apex said:

For roleplaying: I've done romantic RPs before and didn't have trouble with it. Both with writing characters experiencing romantic feelings, and with having the other player's characters experience romantic feelings towards mine. But I'm also a selfshipper so my perceptions are a bit skewed there.

For writing: I don't have anything against writing romance, but it's far from a priority. I really enjoy being a creator and getting the chance to express my identity and ideals through my work- part of that involves focusing on nonromantic relationships. The two main partnerships in the series I'm currently writing are nonromantic (with one explicitly being a QPR), and none of the main characters are romantically involved or that hung up about being single. I do plan on including some romance in the future though, and I don't think I'll have trouble with writing it. But my perspective will probably be different than the perspective an allo person writing for an allo audience would have.

If I was gonna write a story that had a heavy focus on romance, I think it'd have to be a human/monster situation or something similar 😅 I have little interest in "normative" romance and being aro plays a part in that.

 

Very fascinating! I definitely find it enlightening to hear of different experiences in the community. I do distinctly relate to the idea of human/monster and non-standard romances, humans with monsters or non-humans I find fascinating because it's no confined to the human idea of romance. If I ever wrote something romance/adjacent, I'd totally start there.

 

On 10/19/2022 at 3:59 AM, nonmerci said:

Complicated. 

I don't necessarily have a problem with writing the build-up to romance, even if it sounds weird to me sometimes.

But the romantic relationship in itself ? Hard time. I'm trying right now and I know I fail. I have to make an effort to remember my characters have to act like a couple now, and I have no clue on how to do that naturally, it seems fake, like, some actions I had to their relation to make it look romantic but are not connecting to each other in a consistent way. Like, I don't know, a neurotypic person who tries to write an autistic character by giving them all the traits they read on the internet, but doesn't understand how being autistic really impact how they think or how they live. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry. What I want to say is : it feels forced, even if I do think the characters could be a great couple.

 

Maybe part of it is due to media ? Usually a movie ends little time after the first kiss. When there is a sequel, or this is a tv show, usually it focuses on relationship's drama. Happy couple moment are details before the storm. And don't get me started on toxic romance.  So I have a lot of exemples of build-up to romance, of people fighting, but not really of people in a (healthy) couple dynamic. That's probably why it is so hard for me to write it properly.

 

Very relatable, I find the build-up is a lot easier but anything where it crosses into "real" romance feels strange. I know, realistically, what folks do, but it does feel fake and always leaves me with the feeling "why would anyone do this/want this." I do agree as well about writing romance feeling less authentic and off-putting just due to not fully understanding it due to lack of well... experiencing it! I think media could definitely play a role, though I find even the happy couples to be kind of strange - I don't quite get the appeal or why someone would want that as opposed to a close friend or life partner/roommate who is committed to living with you.

 

On 10/19/2022 at 4:59 AM, Nix said:

For my comics, romance is just not in the picture. My current webcomic is a slice of life story about a young witch (she’s 9) and I don’t bother with writing romance because I feel there are enough stories about romance.

As for roleplaying, I never play romantic characters, even if they have a ‘romantic’ relationship in game. For our current Burning Wheel campain, I play as a governess who has a husband and a son. The marriage is one of conveniance (as I assume most relationships were in ye olden days) and my character is too busy solving a murder case to bother with romance.

Yeah pretty much this. Luckily my group is not much interested in it either.

 

Ooo nice! What's the name of the comic - is it posted online at all? Definitely agree on there being quite enough romance stories, haha. That's really fascinating though with playing characters in a "romantic relationship" who really aren't romantically involved at all. Fun workaround, too!

[Nix]

37 minutes ago, SilentShadows said:

Ooo nice! What's the name of the comic - is it posted online at all?

It’s called ‘Chancy Chloe’ or ‘Linke Loesje’ in Dutch. I post both the Dutch and the English version on Instagram and on this page: https://ko-fi.com/nicolemulkens/gallery  It’s really a fun side project at the moment, which means updates are slow.

40 minutes ago, SilentShadows said:

That's really fascinating though with playing characters in a "romantic relationship" who really aren't romantically involved at all. Fun workaround, too!

Thanks! I thought I was being quite clever here too. You see, having a husband as a female character in Burning Wheel means you get a ton of extra resource points, so the marriage of convenience is mainly convenient for me 😇

[Keith]

I've never had problems with that. Well, as long as I didn't have to involve my personal feelings and/or experiences. 

I've played allro characters in RP's multiple times, and I've never had problems with creating romantic scenes in my fanfics/original stories. Although the problem came when I was trying to write a romantic letter for my (now ex) girlfriend, which happened earlier this year - in January, I think.

Despise my introvertism, I've always been a talkative person, so I never had problems with finding correct words for things I wanted to describe. But while writing that certain letter, my mind was absolutely blank. I had no idea what to write. It took me about 2 hours to even start, and another 2 to finish. After I've finally finished it, I realized, that it wasn't really a romantic letter. I mean sure, I wrote that I want to stay by her side for as long as I'll be able to, and I made sure to include the key word "love", but it still looked like something that you'd rather write for your close friend other than a significant other. (That's what made me realize that I'm on the aro-spectrum.)

 

[williamwill009]

On 10/20/2022 at 8:09 PM, SilentShadows said:

 

Very fascinating! I definitely find it enlightening to hear of different experiences in the community. I do distinctly relate to the idea of human/monster and non-standard romances, humans with monsters or non-humans I find fascinating because it's no confined to the human idea of romance. If I ever wrote something romance/adjacent, I'd totally start there.

 

 

Very relatable, I find the build-up is a lot easier but anything where it crosses into "real" romance feels strange. I know, realistically, what folks do, but it does feel fake and always leaves me with the feeling "why would anyone do this/want this." I do agree as well about writing romance feeling less authentic and off-putting just due to not fully understanding it due to lack of well... experiencing it! I think media could definitely play a role, though I find even the happy couples to be kind of strange - I don't quite get the appeal or why someone would want that as opposed to a close friend or life partner/roommate who is committed to living with you.

 

 

Ooo nice! What's the name of the comic - is it posted online at all? Definitely agree on there being quite enough romance stories, haha. That's really fascinating though with playing characters in a "romantic relationship" who really aren't romantically involved at all. Fun workaround, too!


It's important that everyone can see themselves in the stories they read, and it can help raise awareness and understanding of the aromantic community. I appreciate when authors make an effort to explore and accurately portray a diversity of experiences in their writing. Speaking of academic endeavors, I recently faced a challenge in my studies, specifically a physics homework assignment that turned out to be more difficult than I expected. After finding the website mypaperdone.com/do-my-physics-homework , I got the support I needed, which helped me not only to cope with the task but also to understand the material more deeply. It was a real lifesaver at the time and I would recommend their services to anyone looking for extra help with physics or any other academic subject. They truly understand how to make learning less stressful and more successful.

As someone who identifies with the aromantic spectrum, my experience with writing or roleplaying romance is complex. I find it challenging to authentically convey romantic relationships in my work, as these feelings don't naturally resonate with me. However, I excel and find joy in exploring deep connections, such as friendships or queerplatonic relationships. This discrepancy in my writing and roleplaying preferences has been a significant part of understanding and accepting my aromantic identity. It's a journey of discovering how to express closeness in ways that align with my experiences.

[Picklethewickle]

For writing fanfiction, I've tried some shipping in the past to see what it is all about, and discovered I don't have an interest in writing romance. However, I have written about characters who are canonically in a relationship, and I've felt like I had to include that aspect of their lives in my stories. Trying to write a romantic scene, or even just a few sentences, is a struggle. Eventually I figured out a way to sidestep the situation. I write them behaving in a familiar sort of way, and the reader's bias goes ahead and interprets it as romantic for me. While I don't enjoy fandoms drive to interpret every interaction as romantic, it can make it easier to get throught writing the boring bits.

[Inseny]

Oooh, roleplaying. I've had a lot of roleplays and romance was rarely the main point. In fact, most of my lifetime romance was straight up non-existent for me, meaning I would look at some couple and think "hmmm yea, they're friends". My very first rp involved romance at some point and I totally missed that it was actually romance, because I thought it was a very strong platonic attraction lol.

However, overall I'm quite chill with romance in roleplay. Sometimes it can be even fun to dive into what a person might feel when romantically falling in love. I like exploring the emotional insides of characters and their personalities in different situations. But there was a time when it was too much romance. Just too much.

So I had this one person with who I rp'ed and our rp was practically endless - we were always starting over or turning time back when things were coming to a logical end. And my co-roleplayer loved romance. Like, a lot. Therefore we had a ton of romantic feelings between nearly all characters . Once the storyline came to it's logical end once again, my co-player started making up random situations involving romance with absolutely random character that will never ever appear again. I went with it, but it was that point when it started to feel like way too much romance. Not to say that all those short romantic random situations with some random characters were very much pointless. Later on, at one of once again restarted timelines I decided to make one of my male characters aroace. I did it just so he would be finally left alone. I never intended this character for romance, he is the demon that uses others for personal gain, be it own survival or power sources (he feeds on soul energy and even can use souls as some sorts of power plants to make himself stronger). Even if he would get into a romantic relationship, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. But with that co-player it all eventually was coming down to fluff, so I decided it will be best to cut off any romantic possibilities with this demon. He was Out Of Character most of the time anyways, so I tried at least something to show his real intended character. I blame my co-player on this, she would often take over my characters without my consent. But I'm at fault too, because I was far too shy to stand up for my children back then and was going with everything she did. It was a very complicated time.
I didn't expect it to turn into a full-on rant, I'm so sorry

So to summarize, I'm chill with romance in rp if it's not the main point of the play and there's not too much of it. Sometimes romantic feelings can spice up the plot a bit, but nothing more. Sometimes I might actively want to create romance between characters, but it's a very rare occurence. In fact I have an ongoing rp where I want two female characters to catch feelings for each other, simply because I think it would be fun to see how my confident dominant evil main girl would behave if she gradually got closer with one of her allies and fell in love later on. This is pretty much the only time when I really want to have romance in the story. Another time would be my recently finished rp with that same girl character of mine, where her second identity got feelings for kinda-ally-more-enemy male character while being on a mission of infiltrating and acting as a spy gathering information to expose a government structure. It was also done to spice up the plot and make it more interesting by having a character getting some conflicting feelings. These are the only times I ever really wanted to roleplay romance. Maybe that's because I not so long ago figured out that romance actually exists and I was just missing it this whole time. Action stuff is simply far more interesting, same for relationships that are not romantic. There's a lot you can do with them.

On this note, I'm planning out my own someday-to-be comic (which is, funnily enough, to some extent based on that endless rp that I ranted about earlier) and I don't want to be there any romance between main male character and his female best friends. We already have more then enough stuff about falling in love with a best friend. I want to show that men and women can be very good friends without catching any romantic feelings. I want to show a close, caring and sincere friendship. I want to show that you don't need romance to be so close to someone. Although the main point will most likely be about personal emotional well-being, I really want to cover the topic of very close friendship too.

[MondoBilby]

Woah, this question made me realise something. I have no idea how to write romance in stories!

The only time I’ve ever made characters that are in a relationship was a long time ago when I was still a wee little kid, and looking back on how I wrote them, uhh…yeah, you can tell I was struggling a bit. Extremely bare bones and ignored compared to everything else I made back then. And I haven’t gotten any better at writing romantic relationships, because it’s something I just have no interest in whatsoever. Romance in shows and movies bore me to death (and gross me out a bit), so why would I try to put it in my stories?

Right now, I’m currently (very slowly) making a comic. And there probably won’t be any romance at all, despite most of the characters being allo (I do have an aro main character though). Initially I thought this was just because I don’t want to write romance, but now I realise that even if I did want to I’d be absolutely terrible at it 😅 I don’t understand anything about it.

 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

I often struggle so much to write anything, but when I think about wanting to write I often think about making romantic stories (usually they're queer), or aromantic stories. I've role-played before in D&D sessions and have had characters that were alloromantic (this was before I ever questioned if I was aro), and I also had characters that preferred to be single. Nowadays, despite potentially wanting to write romance still, I don't think I can roleplay an alloromantic character anymore without feeling like I'm forcing my character to do something. If I played another alloromantic character again, they would have a perception of love coded through an aro-lens where it would be very non-normative, and it would feel like I'm performing more than just performing my character, if that makes any sense. And often when I think back on my alloromantic characters, I realize that back then I felt no difference in the platonic relationships I had with other characters and the romantic interests my character had.

Edited March 15 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[dewy]

I love writing romance, even though I may not understand it fully. I write fanfiction and love shipping so luckily the characters already have chemistry I can work with. But now that I think about it, I tend to focus on the non romantic aspects of their relationship, or write the story in a way that it could be either platonic or romantic. I remember writing for a ship exchange event and worrying I hadn't made it romantic enough, but luckily my recipient loved it. But I don't really write fluff a lot, usually angst, smut, or stories where the romantic relationship is there but not the main focus.

[Rook on the Hook]

Personally, I find it pretty easy and interesting writing established couples--especially those who are well past the honeymoon phase--but I cannot for the life of me write a story about people actively falling in love because I just don't have that experience. Like, the experience of caring deeply about a person and the challenges of dealing with all their idiosyncracies and difficulties is something I've lived, and don't think changes all that much between romantic, close or queerplatonic, nor familial relationships, but it is very hard to write a traditional love story because such stories are actively alienating to me. It's like trying to paint a picture with colors I can't see. I might get the shape of things right, but it's just not going to be emotionally resonant in the same way. Honestly though, I'm perfectly happy with that. Writing people who've been together a long time tends to mesh really well with the themes I gravitate towards. There's definitely a lot of compelling ways to approach the idea of the inherent tragedy and reward of caring deeply about other difficult and damaged people through the lens of falling in love, but I think older couples really lend themselves to exploring the work necessary to make any relationship work and lends it a more hopeful tone where yes, it's hard, and yes, the world can be brutally unfair, but people find ways to persist and find peace.

Roleplaying's a totally different ballgame though. The quicker, more improvisational pace really throws a wrench into things for me, and while I do have canonically alloro tabletop characters, I just don't explore romance in their stories, and the majority of my funky lil guys wind up being arospec by default. While it can make GMing for players who want romantic subplots more challenging, it's never really an obstacle when playing, as both of my gaming groups know I'm aromantic and don't try to actively engage my characters with romance. Having that understanding goes a long way, and it even makes it so we can still all enjoy playing systems that are mechanically geared towards romance. Hell, one of my favorite TTRPG characters came out of such a system, and having an incredibly oblivious aroace in the cast was a fun contrast with all the other characters and suited her story role as the well-meaning but profoundly out-of-touch source of increasingly comical problems really well.

[Leistorm]

I'm really good at romantic scenes. My allo friends who are avid romance readers can vouch for me. But I have a hard time developing it realistically because I don't know how the pacing works. Is it too rushed? Too slow? This is one thing I have to consult my allo friends on. But I read and write fantasy with romance as a side-plot (contemp romance is annoying and I don't like when romance is the central focus, which is why I prefer books like Percy Jackson, Six of Crows, etc) so I have some exposure. 

I sort of evade the boundaries of "romantic vs platonic" because I establish intimacy between characters no matter the type of relationship. People could interperet my female MC and her male friend's relationship as semi-romantic if they weren't an aroace woman and a gay man. That's how it should work. The people in question determine their relationship, not labels and standards held up by societal norms. 

But I cannot, for the life of me, describe sexual attraction (needless to say I can't write smut because I'd just cringe and slam my laptop shut before I even touch the keyboard). Which makes it difficult to write characters who are asexual because that would mean implying that sexual attraction does in fact exist in other characters who are not asexual. That's the difficult part and I'll need a lot more guidance on that. This is why asexual representation is so hard to find in media, because you'll still have to mention sexual stuff to talk about the absence of it. Most media, at least for younger audiences, try to avoid it. But even between my allo characters, I won't write sex. I'm probably going to avoid even implying that they had sex. I'll just say "oh it's a time period where the culture is to to wait till marriage" or some garbage excuse lol (it might work though since it's a fantasy).

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 3/1/2024 at 2:08 PM, Rook on the Hook said:

Personally, I find it pretty easy and interesting writing established couples--especially those who are well past the honeymoon phase--but I cannot for the life of me write a story about people actively falling in love because I just don't have that experience. Like, the experience of caring deeply about a person and the challenges of dealing with all their idiosyncracies and difficulties is something I've lived, and don't think changes all that much between romantic, close or queerplatonic, nor familial relationships, but it is very hard to write a traditional love story because such stories are actively alienating to me. It's like trying to paint a picture with colors I can't see. I might get the shape of things right, but it's just not going to be emotionally resonant in the same way.

I relate so heavily to how you write romance. I typically gravitate to writing my OCs already together, because it's really hard for me to write anyone falling in love. I have the picture in my mind of what it could potentially feel like and so look like, for two characters to fall in love, but at the same time I end up either writing some form of the characters experiencing alterous attraction (since that's what I mainly experience) or I write them as having a kind of familial bond that would be hard to label as "romantic" because of it. I love writing those types of emotions and relationships, but it's a real ass kicker if I had to write romance and someone who was astute enough recognized the emotions these characters are feeling as non-normative.

On 3/14/2024 at 12:45 AM, Leistorm said:

I'm really good at romantic scenes. My allo friends who are avid romance readers can vouch for me. But I have a hard time developing it realistically because I don't know how the pacing works. Is it too rushed? Too slow? This is one thing I have to consult my allo friends on. But I read and write fantasy with romance as a side-plot (contemp romance is annoying and I don't like when romance is the central focus, which is why I prefer books like Percy Jackson, Six of Crows, etc) so I have some exposure. 

I sort of evade the boundaries of "romantic vs platonic" because I establish intimacy between characters no matter the type of relationship. People could interperet my female MC and her male friend's relationship as semi-romantic if they weren't an aroace woman and a gay man. That's how it should work. The people in question determine their relationship, not labels and standards held up by societal norms. 

But I cannot, for the life of me, describe sexual attraction (needless to say I can't write smut because I'd just cringe and slam my laptop shut before I even touch the keyboard). Which makes it difficult to write characters who are asexual because that would mean implying that sexual attraction does in fact exist in other characters who are not asexual. That's the difficult part and I'll need a lot more guidance on that. This is why asexual representation is so hard to find in media, because you'll still have to mention sexual stuff to talk about the absence of it. Most media, at least for younger audiences, try to avoid it. But even between my allo characters, I won't write sex. I'm probably going to avoid even implying that they had sex. I'll just say "oh it's a time period where the culture is to to wait till marriage" or some garbage excuse lol (it might work though since it's a fantasy).

I often write intimacy between characters no matter the relationship, too, and my alloro friends often assume the pairs as romantic immediately (which can get quite annoying), and you stating how you wrote a platonic pair that were an aroace woman and a gay man reminds me of the aroace man and questioning lesbian I recently wrote lol

But that aside, I haven't dabbled into writing smut, nor explaining sexual attraction, in my works just yet. I think I would be fine at it? Like, Hell, I'm allosexual and I struggle in explaining sexual attraction all the time. Going a long time without writing can kind of hamper any confidence, especially in that regard, though. But, despite havin' no experience in that form of writing I think I could write more organic and sane sex, and even sane BDSM for that matter, than what 50 Shades of Grey or any Colleen Hoover book has.

Edited March 15 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[TrueEvergreen]

Personally, I don't struggle too much with writing romance. However, I usually try to avoid putting romance in anything I write because so much media has the plot driven by romance, and I want to avoid that. 

[Nagito]

I like writing romantic plots and I don't struggle with it much. I can write a romantic scene out of blue. I don't know why, it just happens, especially when I was playing a game and I found a "ship moment".