Marriage? Why?

[Thiel]

So, my question is why do people want to get married?

Ive never wanted to get married so I'm genuinely curious about it. I've been invited to three weddings next year and although I'm happy about them, I don't get why they do it. I just feel it's a lot of paperwork to proof you want to be with someone (and it makes it really difficult if you ever want to break up).

Any thoughts?

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

Some people get married for tax or religious reasons, but I feel like marriage is this thing that’s just deeply ingrained in society. Like that’s the thing that everyone says when they talk about their futures: get a job, buy a house, get married, start a family. It’s just always there. 
So I have always felt that obligation, like there’s someone you HAVE to like, people ask you what you want your wedding to look like, etc. It’s always been awkward for me to answer those question so I just dodge them with things like “Oooh I love the fall, what about you though?”

[DeltaAro]

1. Romance (you know those people who act like they won the state lottery just because they’re getting married…)
2. Insecurity (“make sure he/she never leaves me”)
3. Religion
4. Legal benefits

4. seems to be a very, very important motivation. At least in Europe.

In France there’s an alternative called PACS, which provides certain legal benefits but does not go the whole hog. It’s nearly 50:50 marriage:PACS there… I guess the French are less romantic than I assumed…

[roboticanary]

Religious reasons and legal benefits as people have already said. That is definitely important to a lot of people.

Also because for a lot of people weddings are a very enjoyable experience. Celebrate your relationship with a big party with your friends and family. Dress up fancy, have a good time, eat a cake thats as tall as a child. And it isnt really socially acceptable to do that outside of getting married.

Another thing I guess is because it seems like the adult thing to do. If someone goes through a few relationships in their teens and early twenties, how do they separate this one from the others, how do they make it known that this time things are serious. 

[Thiel]

Thanks for the replies!

They aren't religious so I'm going to assume they want a huge party with a kid-sized cake to celebrate they have been together for X years and hope to be together forever (that's all I can get from the romantic part). And then the tax benefits (we have PACS in Spain too, but they have less benefits). 

I still don't want one for myself, but as long as they don't ask me when am o getting married, the party should be fun. I just hope I don't have to give a speech about love in any of the weddings because that would be interesting but awkward ?

[alto]

As an aro who wants to get married...

It would be a way of showing commitment to a person(s).  Since you can't legally marry more than one person in the dear old USA, I'd just hold a commitment ceremony at church.  All of the fun, none of the legality.

[nonmerci]

I think it is because romantic relationship are built around a commitment that has to go stronger as the relationship is growing. It has these steps and every step is a bigger commitment than the other, if you think about it.

Marriage arrives at the end as the biggest commitment of all, so they make a big deal about it.

[nisse]

legal stuff is a huge reason, it's one of the reasons marriage equality was (and is, in many countries) such a huge milestone in queer activism. it's a big thing in disabled activism now too - in the UK and USA (and to a degree, here in Norway as well, I believe) among other things you lose benefits as a disabled person if you get married (making you dependant on your spouses income, which is both a huge blow to your independence as an individual, and your spouse might not make enough for two in the first place). if you don't get married you lose out on certain things, like visitation if you get hospitalized, or inheritance rights.

imo, best case scenario would be to do away with all of that and normalize throwing a party for your commitment if you want to. that would help poly folks too. i definitely get wanting the spectacle around a marriage, i've been to a few and they can be very fun! and wanting to publicly announce your love an commitment for one or more people is understandable. if it wasn't as expectant as it is, and didn't bring so many legal benefits when just as committed relationships don't get them simply because they don't want to get married, or they're too unconventional, it'd be better imo. 

i know for a fact my mam only got married because it was expected and it brought certain benefits (my dad, her second husband, wanted to adopt my sister so she'd have the same legal rights as his daughter as i do, which he only could if him and mam were married). she's twice divorced now and very happy that way!

[Angrboda]

I'm with you! LOL It makes no sense to me at all. It's more expensive, more difficult, & more time consuming. And why the heck would anyone want to have to ask the government's permission just to break up with someone? :p

[SirBeastling]

I was on the fence sometimes about getting married. I am a cradle Catholic, and I've never identified as anything else in the religious quadrant, so for me it was get married or be a priest. I don't want to be a priest, but lately I realized marriage would be just as bad.

I guess most people get married because it's the norm. I would have gotten married because I was taught that was what I need to do. The typical Catholic family: a man, a woman, and lots of babies (lots and lots of babies). The idea kills me.

Some religions also say that the single life is more of a time of waiting before your true vocation comes. Maybe so, but I'll probably decide to be in waiting until I die.

Edited November 12, 2021 by SirBeastling

[DeltaAro]

On 11/12/2021 at 3:49 PM, SirBeastling said:

I guess most people get married because it's the norm. I would have gotten married because I was taught that was what I need to do. The typical Catholic family: a man, a woman, and lots of babies (lots and lots of babies). The idea kills me.

Catholic sexual morality is basically completely detached from modern life. This is not meant as a value judgment. I just state a fact.

Masturbation, contraception, extramarital sex, homosexuality and so on, are all mortal sins. The prohibitions are so strict you'd expect them from a high-control religious group. I mean they’re indeed even more strict than that. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses still allow contraception. Even the most fundamentalist and traditional Islamic schools have a more permissive attitude towards masturbation (it’s a sin – but not one that potentially merits eternal damnation).

So the Catholic Church is really odd. I mean the rules are extreme, but there are 1,3 billion Catholics on this planet. So high control is not possible. And the result is that obviously most do not care and it’s regarded as a moderate religion.

Now for all those faults, romance doesn’t play a big role in the Catholicism. There are basically no rules about what marriage should be like, as long as you follow all the rules about … basically … sex. While today a marriage without romantic attraction would be regarded as “wrong” / deeply dysfunctional.