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How would you guys propose a companionate relationship with an asexual aro?


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Hypothetically,  if I find someone who's asexual and aromantic and I wish to have a companionate (Queerplatonic, but I just don't like using the word queerplatonic) relationship with her/him, how should I go about it? Do any other aros here wish to have a companion or do most rather just be alone?

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asexual aros are considered to be very detached with their emotions. If you are considering to propose to one a companionate relationship, they expect space and freedom. In order to have a successful relationship with an asexual aro, don't expect much from them nor will they expect much from you. 

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To give a fairly obvious/almost lazy answer, how you approach the kind of relationship you want will depend on the individuals involved. There's plenty of diversity even among people with identical romantic/sexual orientations, so there's no one answer that will cover everyone.

 

I'm a very passionate aro ace, but would only really enter some kind of companionate relationship for practical benefits that revolve around shared resources. I could only have the heart to take on that kind of relationship with someone 100% on the same page, but I have no qualms going without such a relationship in my life. I get the emotional intimacy I need from my deep friendships and family bonds, so I've never felt the need for any kind of relationship beyond that.

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7 hours ago, Peanut said:

asexual aros are considered to be very detached with their emotions. If you are considering to propose to one a companionate relationship, they expect space and freedom. In order to have a successful relationship with an asexual aro, don't expect much from them nor will they expect much from you. 

This is something I disagree with. Sweeping generalizations are usually bad, but I find assuming someone's personality based on their sexuality and romanticism to be particularly problematic. 

 

If you want a committed relationship with someone, regardless of their orientations, it's best to bring it up directly and make clear what each of you want and don't want. As someone also asexual, they are more likely to understand your expectations. However, if one of you is aromantic and one of you is not, you have to make it clear enough to both of you how that will impact the relationship that both of you are comfortable that the other will not misunderstand.

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I would like to express the fact that I am not making assumptions but in fact it is quite reliable to say that asexual aros are considered to be very individualistic people. 

i don't think I am assuming their personality because i am an asexual aro myself.  But I do agree with the fact that talking to each other to find out about likes and dislikes important. 

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In my personal experience, that stereotype has not been true. As an aromantic asexual person myself, I am very attached to my friends and spend all of my waking hours with them when I can. I recognize that your experiences have been different, but I believe that saying aro aces in general are detached and unemotional can only have negative effects on the community and the rest of the world's understanding of a sexual and romantic orientation which does not determine the person's personality.

 

I'm sorry this has gotten off topic, it was just bothering me during work this morning and I couldn't not continue the discussion.

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This will sound silly, but I like the idea of these request forms. I'd totally make one.

(I'm not sure who made this particular one I have just found it online, and I remember seeing several ones)

tumblr_ncenbts76l1ruoslbo1_540.jpg

it is:

-straight forward

-leaves them time to think

-leaves them ways to define the parameters of the relationship

-has more possible answers, not just the classic yes or no

-100% cute

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4 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

This will sound silly, but I like the idea of these request forms. I'd totally make one.

(I'm not sure who made this particular one I have just found it online, and I remember seeing several ones)

tumblr_ncenbts76l1ruoslbo1_540.jpg

it is:

-straight forward

-leaves them time to think

-leaves them ways to define the parameters of the relationship

-has more possible answers, not just the classic yes or no

-100% cute

This is extremely adorable xD

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 07/04/2016 at 11:57 PM, Cassiopeia said:

This will sound silly, but I like the idea of these request forms. I'd totally make one.

(I'm not sure who made this particular one I have just found it online, and I remember seeing several ones)

tumblr_ncenbts76l1ruoslbo1_540.jpg

it is:

-straight forward

-leaves them time to think

-leaves them ways to define the parameters of the relationship

-has more possible answers, not just the classic yes or no

-100% cute

 

I'm guessing you could add other things to do or avoid doing. I can see a few obvious things missing.
Wonder what the difference is between "small kisses!" and "big KISSES!"

 

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2 minutes ago, Mark said:

 

Wonder what the difference is between "small kisses!" and "big KISSES!"

 

 

The same difference as between a kiss on the cheek and French kissing, I suppose.

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I agree with @Mezzo Forte, it really depends on the individual. I'd only ask someone who's on the arospectrum to be in a QPR, since someone who's allo would probably be confused by the terminology, and think that I'm asking for a romantic relationship without sex. 

 

If, hypothetically, you find yourself wanting a QPR with an allo person, here's my advice as a relationship anarchist. As a relationship anarchist, I let my connections with people grow into intimacy, without feeling the need to define or "capture" the intimacy through a formal queerplatonic or romantic relationship. I have a squish right now, who I suspect is aroace, but identifies as straight and wants to date someday. For the longest time, I thought she had a crush on me, because she kept trying to get close to me (both emotionally and physically) in a way that was more intense than someone who wanted to just be friends. Also, she'd get jealous whenever I mentioned spending extensive one-on-one time with anyone else. But when I asked her how she felt about me, she said she thought of me "as a good friend" and that she'd never been romantically interested in anyone. So we kept being good friends. Later, when I started having a crush on someone (this was before I realized I was lith, and assumed that I had to pursue romantic relationships with people I had a crush on), I asked her how she would feel if I started dating other people. We acknowledged that we cared about each other a lot, and we agreed that, if either of us ever did date anyone, we wouldn't spend any less time with each other. 

 

To me, that's all the confirmation I need to know that there's something special between us. Most allos end up prioritizing romantic relationships over friendships, and to know that our friendship is just as important to her as a potential romantic relationship is enough. If she understood what it meant to be in a QPR, and I asked her to be in a QPR with me, nothing would change between us. "QPR" would just be another label to describe something that already exists, rather than something that advances our intimacy. 

 

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 4/16/2016 at 1:45 PM, Mark said:

 

I'm guessing you could add other things to do or avoid doing. I can see a few obvious things missing.
Wonder what the difference is between "small kisses!" and "big KISSES!"

 

BIG kisses involve tongue, I assume

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