So mabey aromatic but.... Like for sure not asexual.

[Guest Eggerson]

So lately I've been really vibing with the term aromantic and all the online info I fall upon links it to asexual but... That I know I am definitely not ... I've had a lot of relationships mostly short because I just end up in a relationship from dating and then I am chill with it untill I realize ... I don't love them and that's "the goal" right? Recently ended my last relationship of almost 2 years because he wanted different things than me blah blah blah. My mom has always thought I was a lesbian because idk short relationships? Maybe ? And ppl around me probably though some rude things about my relationship styles. 

 

Like all I want is someone to live with an like have sex with in my life, I still want a partner in life really for all the benifits that comes with having someone around seems. Good for finances ... All my friends seem happy... all seems Nice... Idk haha someone talk to me these "you might be aro if" posts are hitting home but the internet seems to group the ace thing in and that's not me for sure. 

[El011]

I think if you've never felt romantic attraction, can't see yourself feeling romantic attraction, but want a relationship or marriage for things like sex or finances then yeah you're probably aromantic.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I feel that. I'm allosexual aromantic myself, so I'm open if you want someone to talk to about it.

[CharCharChar]

This was really well put. It's unfortunate the internet groups asexuality and aromanticism together. And congratulations on understanding yourself and what you want. That's difficult and awesome. 

[Queasy_Attention]

Ha, same here. I'm definitely not asexual, and I'm also definitely aromantic. A lot of the "symptoms" of sexual attraction and romantic attraction overlap, so sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate what type of attraction you're really feeling. It took me a really long time to realize that while I was attracted to people, I wasn't comfortable with a relationship-- and that's okay!

I also agree that aces and aros are often lumped together with no distinction. I can see how this is a problem on both sides: us aroallos (aromantic, allosexual) don't like the assumption that we're ace, and I can only assume alloaces (alloromantic, asexual) don't like the assumptoion that they're aro. I think part of the problem is that media puts so much focus on both relationships and sex that aces and aros alike can get overwhelmed. And when we create spaces for ourselves specifically where we can feel free to reject those ideas, it can feel invalidating for someone to come in and say that they like those things. So if an aroace is viewing an aro community and sees a post that mentions sex positively, it might feel invalidating to them. And if an aroace comes to an ace community and sees posts that mention falling in love or relationships in a positive way, it might also feel invalidating. 

However, it feels invalidating for aroallos and alloaces to see posts condemning sex or relationships in our spaces, if those are things that we have no reason to reject. I see posts in the various aro subreddits that exclusively relate to aces, and I'm sure there are anti-relationship posts in ace spaces that don't necessarily mention sex. 

It's complicated lol!

Edited December 3, 2020 by Queasy_Attention

[elmas]

Umm, I dont know if Guest Eggerson still needs our help since they posted in September, but I wanted to throw in my head in as well. If you are still checking in here, I find the Split Attraction Model a really useful way of thinking. For most people their romantic and sexual attraction is the same and hard to keep apart. And aroace people have that in common with allo people. 

I am aroace and I dont think its invalidating when sex is mentioned positively. But that is because I am sex-favorable and I defend the idea that my sexual attraction does not define how I feel about sex. If you are ace you are not sexually attracted to any gender and if you are aromantic you are not romantically attracted to any gender, right? And whether I am sex averse, indifferent or favorable is a whole other thing. 

I am saying all this because because for me being ace doesnt mean I dont want to have sex or not read about it. I know I am hardly speaking for the majority of ace people. But you know, its a spectrum. We are a diverse community. And I am sorry allo aro people feel like they are thrown under the ace umbrella. I know its a problem. 

[LazyPilgrim]

I've never known what I wanted. I experience sexual desire, but don't feel the need (or really the want) to be in a relationship with other people. The whole dating game just baffles me, and even the whole "friends with benefits" is beyond me. At least there's porn.

[Bas]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:58 AM, Guest Eggerson said:

Like all I want is someone to live with an like have sex with in my life, I still want a partner in life really for all the benifits that comes with having someone around seems. Good for finances ... All my friends seem happy... all seems Nice...

This is an absolute mood. That's just the goal, really. It sucks that it's so hard to find something like that without the expectation of romance. All the same I'm glad you've come to an aro realization, & I realize this is late by quite a few months but whatever's going on I hope things have gone well for you in this regard

[GhostyPeppers]

Im also alloaro, and sometimes I wish I was ace so I could feel less gross about only having sexual attraction.

BUT with that said, there is nothing wrong with still feeling sexual attraction without romantic attraction! I just wish the stuff you get out of a romantic relationship wasn't exclusive to them. I would love to live with a close friend and maybe even have a casual sexual relationship with one if possible. And since somebody already mentioned it, the SAM has helped me wrap my head around the whole concept as well.

 

[Mark]

On 12/3/2020 at 8:11 PM, Queasy_Attention said:

I also agree that aces and aros are often lumped together with no distinction. I can see how this is a problem on both sides: us aroallos (aromantic, allosexual) don't like the assumption that we're ace, and I can only assume alloaces (alloromantic, asexual) don't like the assumptoion that they're aro. I think part of the problem is that media puts so much focus on both relationships and sex that aces and aros alike can get overwhelmed.

Society, including the media, treats romance and sex quite differently. Romance being considered appropriate for all ages, "child friendly", "safe for work", etc. Even outside of the ace community non-sexual romantic relationships are understood and acceptable. Whilst non-romantic sexual relationships are taboo. Sex, along with many other things, are romantic coded. But romance is not sex coded.
 

On 12/3/2020 at 8:11 PM, Queasy_Attention said:

And when we create spaces for ourselves specifically where we can feel free to reject those ideas, it can feel invalidating for someone to come in and say that they like those things. So if an aroace is viewing an aro community and sees a post that mentions sex positively, it might feel invalidating to them.

What may be more common is aro spaces assuming ace as a default. Which means that aro allos can find a lot of the content unrelatable and/or invalidating. All too common are pieces of writing with a "not all aros are also ace" right at the end.

On 12/3/2020 at 8:11 PM, Queasy_Attention said:

However, it feels invalidating for aroallos and alloaces to see posts condemning sex or relationships in our spaces, if those are things that we have no reason to reject. I see posts in the various aro subreddits that exclusively relate to aces, and I'm sure there are anti-relationship posts in ace spaces that don't necessarily mention sex. 

It's complicated lol!

Also problematic are posts (and memes) condemning kissing,physical affection, dating. Which overlook that there are plenty of aros who like these(and other romantic coded things). Though likely only outside of romantic relationships.
Additionally squishes, platonic attraction, QPRs, etc are not universal aro experiences.

On 12/3/2020 at 11:27 PM, elmas said:

Umm, I dont know if Guest Eggerson still needs our help since they posted in September, but I wanted to throw in my head in as well. If you are still checking in here, I find the Split Attraction Model a really useful way of thinking. For most people their romantic and sexual attraction is the same and hard to keep apart. And aroace people have that in common with allo people.

There's an assumption that everyone is perioriented. Even though varioriented are a fairly sizable, around 11%, minority.
In this respect allo aros have more in common with allo aces (along with homo heteros and hetero homos) than aro aces.