CharCharChar

Rmph.

great

Feelings are valid and don't have to make sense. To me your feelings make sense because losing touch with any emotion (even a "negative" one like loneliness) is a form of loss and could be making you feel "less human". I experience "emotional flatlining" where my emotions are muted or delayed, and on the one hand I like not dealing with emotions //which is possibly why this is happening //, on the other hand I feel like I "ought to fix" my emotional health. It's not a perfect comparison and I don't have an answer, but you aren't alone. I recently found the word aplatonic and I love it. (There's 3+ definitions out there, and I sort of mush multiple definitions together for myself.) There's certainly that voice of doubt going "Really Char? You think it's okay to not have any kind of deeper human connection?". But this is about being happy. Yes, a deep human connection with someone is a piece of being happy for many, but feeling obligated to fake or seek out deep connections wasn't making me happy. I'll just have to find happiness elsewhere

Welcome! I also came from AVEN, or rather I was on AVEN first and meandered my way here. I like the relative quiet. It's cozy

Disclaimer: I've had this disagreement before where others feel "the out group should not speak on behalf of the in group," which I agree with, however I feel I am not "speaking on behalf of" others, but rather summarizing what I've learned and adding on from my own experience. I accept this is likely going to be an agree to disagree situation @Jot-Aro Kujo I didn't mean to imply that erotica is truth. I feel erotica (moreso for demi/allo and ace/allo soft erotica) gives a glimpse into the author's experience of sexual attraction, even though the work itself is not true to reality. There have occasionally been descriptions of thoughts and feelings in erotica that stood out to me as what I don't experience, and that line up with theories of sexual attraction I've read elsewhere and conversations I've had with allosexual friends. All of which informs my perception of what sexual attraction is. I wasn't speaking specifically to the allosexual aromantic experience. I should have been clearer that I don't think all allosexuals experience sexual attraction the same way. Some have described a visceral feeling like electricity, and some such as yourself do not. I feel an ace perspective on what sexual attraction is is useful to this conversation. I had to cobble together a concept of sexual attraction to define myself against. The original poster may also have to do this. I feel your POV as one allosexual is incredibly valuable, but incomplete. Someone who is questioning benefits from knowing alternate definitions I've learned (such as visceral) as well as my ace POV on when thinking "I want to have sex with this person" has secondary influences and isn't sexual attraction. I genuinely appreciate that you believe I didn't intend harm. While I don't believe discussing the definition of sexual attraction should be left to those who experience it, I see how I should have been clearer that 1) it's a definition I'm choosing, not one I would prescribe to everyone 2) allosexuals tend to describe 0-1 elements of my defintion ((Wanted to add how grateful I am that so far Arocalypse has had very respectful disagreements, and as someone who loves to dissect ideas and is sometimes surprised I've upset someone, I greatly appreciate being calmly disagreed with - especially when I learn I should phrase something more carefully in the future and not upset people. I strongly dislike upsetting people ))

Rats. I love this question, but you've already gotten great advice. Well I'm going to share my two cents anyway. I like to think of sexual attraction as a visceral feeling accompanied by the thought "I want to have sex with you" without any qualifiers like connection, or experimentation, or societal expectations, or whatever sex-favorable aces feel (who are valid, I just don't know and don't think I should guess). [I'm a no-attraction ace, but I read erotica and theories so that's where my definition comes from.] Words are tools to help you understand yourself and communicate your wants/needs/limits to others. Sexual attraction is a wibbly-wobbly word without a set definition. It's your choice what definition helps you. Only you can find the line between sex-favorable and sexual attraction for youself. While I'm a big advocate for using the labels you feel fit you - remember that you don't have to pick labels if it's too messy/unclear/stressful. Instead you could tell a potential partner about your feelings around wanting sex and possibly being ace and maybe picking a label in the future and maybe not. Having different types of attraction to different genders just happens. It isn't necessarily caused by anything. Then it *could* be caused by something, and this is a question I ask myself. But have come to the conclusion it is unknowable.

That's such a great way of putting it!

@tripleAqueer: I want to talk about #aromantic rep (Here's a post you might find useful) And if you make a survey I'm happy to share it around.

Where is this "what's on your mind?" box? I swear I've used forums just like this before. I'm becoming suspicious there's a glitch with my account.

I feel like it would have been easier for me to realize I was aro, and then for me to be comfortable being aro, if I had examples of people being aro in the world (or fiction). If I had known I was aro, I could have made different choices around dating and avoided painful experiences. Therefore lack of representation can be harmful to aros. I feel like what representation there is looks a lot like a character who happens to not be dating during the story. While lines like "I'm aro I don't date" can help spread awareness aromanticism exists, I don't feel my aro identity is explored and reflected in the media. Aspec representation is one of my interests. I want to make life a little better for people like me who don't know it yet by promoting aspec titles and lists. You can use my comments in your project. Here is a list of aspec fiction (and other media) databases and lists. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yl1xsU2V_uXNfcw2g1iut6gBAizuQ4NxGDjqcO7tCaQ/edit#bookmark=id.nlntcw23pelm

I've got to remind myself that deconstructing an internalized stereotype is often easier than I predict it will be. Especially since I've had practice doing this for other aspects of myself. After just a few journaling exercises and short conversations, I feel my belief shifting from "it's not nice to think aromanticism isn't nice, and logically I know that's a stereotype" to "it's not true that aromanticism isn't nice." I'm not saying "I'm done", but the "not nice" stereotype was bothering me the most and I can breathe easier now. It's unpleassant to value being "nice" while holding the perception that an aspect of yourself is "not nice".

@Vhenan I'm good with blunt 🥳 The "it makes sense to" comment was about past incidental participation before I reflected on why/if aro is important to me, it's not my reason for being here now. My theory is that prioritizing my aro identity --> will help me be more comfortable with my aro identity ---> will make it easier to be happy. But it's a good point that I'm not obligated to prioritize my aro side until it's "equal" to my ace side, and I'm not obligated to be active in the aro community because I'm aro. Although, I subscribe to the philosophy that as a content creator I have a moral obligation to understand the larger concerns and intersections of my identity-communities to reduce the risk that my identity-content causes harm. But this "moral obligation" can be fulfilled with spot checks. I'm choosing to explore further for myself. I enjoy introspection and advocacy and talking to people. I want to be here.

Trigger: discussion of arophobia The prompt this month for Carnival of Aros is about whether or not and how you prioritize your aro identity. The truth is I don't. I'm aro-inclusive in my projects, but that's about being a good ally not because I'm aro too. I joined the carnival of aros, but that's just because I joined the carnival of aces and it makes sense to do both as an aroace. I hosted an aro ace panel, but that's because I was volunteering for an ace event. I still have the mindset that it's unfortunate not to be alloromantic and have access to the normative "happily ever after". There are steps I can take to deconstruct my internal arophobia, but I don't have to rush into it. I can join this forum. I can make vague plans to read more aro fiction. I can get amped for AroWriMo and collect aro writing prompts. But it's not an aro emergency. I recognize there are other prioritize in my life right now (both time wise and emotional energy wise). I can lay the ground work now, inch forward in the coming months, and attempt a deep dive in February while the community is amped up for ASAW. So ... I here. 🦎

This is a question I've been mulling over for myself. (though not exactly the same details). I've come to the conclusion it's not that I secretly think "trans men aren't men" or afab enbies are "women-light." I think it's that I have a level of comfort and comradery with fellow AFABs, and a level of learned anxiety and distrust towards those raised in toxic masculinity. Another theory I have is that the few people I've felt some form of attraction to are those who shake up gender expression expectations (whether that's crossing the binary or just being unique within their gender norms). I think this is more about how they are speaking out against the gender norms that trap me (even before I realized I'm agender) or have potential to be a solid friend due to this rebelliousness/confidence and it's not specifically about their gender. __________________________________ TANGENT -------------------------------------------------------- ((Also just want to throw it in there that having phobic assumptions doesn't make us "bad". It's part of being human and it's important to process them so we don't unintentially harm others.)) For example, I've realized I need to shake my stereotype that transmen are "adorable tea-drinking city-dwellers." The problem is I watch one youtuber transguy so much, that it's overriding my logical knowledge that transmen are as diverse as everyone else. ((But that's on me and not the youtuber)) _________________________________ DOUBLE TANGENT ------------------------------------------------------ I find this raises interesting questions -- does the "problematicness" of attraction to a gender/assigned-sex combo lessen if it's not romantic/sexual attraction which can be linked to power-dynamics / claiming / entitlement, whereas platonic/aesthetic/other attractions don't have a negative connotation. Is is possible to feel attraction to specific gender/assigned-sex combos in a non-problematic way? Does your own gender/assigned-sex combo play into if it's problematic or not? Being asexual/aromantic, I have been wondering how current-genitalia/assigned-sex play into gendered attraction, but now I'm really getting off topic.