comedyofaros Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Hey everyone, I'm a 30-something academic and creative who has struggled all his life with social connections. I was always very sexually curious, but in a highly technical, almost alien, even perhaps mystical sort of way. I often had what I considered "crushes" but now I understand to be somewhere between squishes and mere sexual attraction. Because of my community being very religious and conservative, this basically never went well. But I craved close friendships and stability so much, and rarely got them, that I didn't understand the difference. (I.e., that awkward problem of not really understanding the difference between "romance" and close platonic friendship. Complicated by still wanting sex, ugh.) Once I finally began to actually date - sometimes more seriously - as an adult, my relationships would dissolve within several months at most due to my growing discomfort and confusion, or due to my partner's finding me somewhat cold / technical / friend-like as a partner. The ones who didn't want to break up (who I had to dump) were usually intensely 'romantic' and often very insecure. And I was never good at breakups (in the opinion of alloromantics), seeing over and over again that most people seem to need some kind of... warmth? Special emotional treatment of some kind? I don't really know. I basically see it as their problem, their emotional addiction, being unwilling to fathom a clear and inevitable change. However, as I have become more socially skilled and stable as an adult, I began to care less and less about romantic relationships, realizing that (as an aromantic-allosexual) I was fantasizing about more 'practical' platonic-sexual arrangements. But so few people would seem to really understand this, and meanwhile, the hookup / casual scene leaves me cold as well. (For example, Tinder is far less of a success story for me than you'd expect, since I have specific standards and need to trust & like someone before I engage sexually.) It's been a pretty painful journey, and at this time I'm not sure what I want to do more with my summer. Should I explore the possibilities, knowing what I know now? Should I go celibate for a while and save money and time and social irritation (but risk extreme restlessness since sexual repression is also a chore)? I put friendship and privacy above all, which definitely created further tension whenever I tried romantic relationships. Fortunately, one of my best friends at grad school is an aro-ace and of a similar mind. I am so comfortable and content around her, because I know we will never put pressure on each other. I'm so grateful to have a friend like that in my life. (In fact, getting to know this person is basically how I finally clued in to being aro.) So yeah, here I am, nice to meet you all, and I'm excited and nervous for whatever comes next in my life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omitef Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Hello! I'm also alloaro, like you, and I can relate to feeling dissatisfied with the hookup scene for the same reason. I think there are a couple of other people here who are like that as well. Welcome to the Arocalypse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Welcome to Arocalypse! I hope you enjoy being a part of the community and meeting more aros Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comedyofaros Posted May 27, 2016 Author Share Posted May 27, 2016 OMG ice cream Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedNeko Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Hello and welcome I look forward to seeing you around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassiopeia Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Welcome. I have similar feelings about the hookup thing, and although I have identified with the aro label for years now, I still have the same questions...who knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louis On Air Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Welcome, I don't know about sex but I do know how this whole thing can be irritating so for now delicious ice cream can occupy your thoughts Oh yeah also this is the only thing holding the universe together... apart from physics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DannyFenton123 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Nice to meet you, and welcome to Arocalypse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froboarder Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Welcome comedyofaros! ... in a big way. I'm new to all this too. It makes so much sense now. I also didn't know what was so wrong with me all this time either. The "still want sex though" part was particularly hard for my girlfriends/ex-wife/me/friends to reconcile. Been riddled with guilt for wanting aromantic sex all this time. Guilted into pretending to spend money or dress up or talk like an interlude in an R&B song to fake-woo a girl when in all honesty IDGAF - but in the nicest way possible. But yet, I really liked her as a person and would have just liked to find common interests, have intimate sexual contact if and when it happens and leave the overly-intense "I love you all of a sudden let's get real possessive, fire all our single friends, open a joint-bank account and live happily ever forever" part. Was always mildly flattered but mostly scared witless that she felt that way about me though. I image that same fear is felt by combat pilots when they realize an enemy fighter has locked on to them. Get me out of here please Lord! I don't want to die! As a hetero guy it was particularly bewildering. I'd meet a gay/bi man who was interested, and I'd politely turn him down without wanting either his romance or his sex. Same week, I'd be with a really cool girl I connect with and respect greatly, at home alone, semi-naked, she's physically the girl of my dreams and a great sexual partner. But then she starts with the romance (or I feel I need to over-fake the romance) and inside I feel THE EXACT SAME at that moment as I do when I reject a gay guy's advances. I didn't understand: I do not want to have gay sex and I do not want to get romantic with the hottest girl in the world either even though I really like her as a sexual partner. Am I just a cold sex-fiend or something? She feels I just used her. How confusing, unfair and frustrating for all. Anyway, thank you behavioral experts for noticing this form of romantic expression! comedyofaros, again, welcome to the community. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natkat Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hi and welcome, and thanks for sharing. I also have aro friends in my life which is the reason why I discovered a romantism. It's funny cause haters say it's something I discovered on tumblr but actually it was opposite I didn't have a tumblr account before I heard the word and then I thought I should make one because I saw many aros had tumblr and it was a way for me to read and spread awareness. (I still suck at tumblr) I think have aro friends is really cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aihpen Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hi, welcome to Arocalypse! I hope you'll enjoy these forums Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PerformativeSurprise Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Welcome! I look forward to seeing you around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comedyofaros Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 18 hours ago, Froboarder said: in all honesty IDGAF - but in the nicest way possible Absolutely how I feel about it. It's tricky business. :\ Quote But then she starts with the romance (or I feel I need to over-fake the romance) and inside I feel THE EXACT SAME at that moment as I do when I reject a gay guy's advances. Exactly, and in my case being bisexual has made that sort of apathy (even slight repulsion) even weirder and harder to explain... But again, because hookups are uuuusually not my thing, the very sexually active gay hookup culture also does not interest me, so I end up "straight-acting" to avoid even further complications T_T Come to think of it, being aro-bi is like... the perfect storm of getting judged by mainstream sexualities. They take me just seriously enough to perceive me as this greedy-slutty Lovecraftian horror of some kind, when really I'm just frustrated and, shall we say, "physically lonely." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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