comedyofaros Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Hey everyone, I'm a 30-something academic and creative who has struggled all his life with social connections. I was always very sexually curious, but in a highly technical, almost alien, even perhaps mystical sort of way. I often had what I considered "crushes" but now I understand to be somewhere between squishes and mere sexual attraction. Because of my community being very religious and conservative, this basically never went well. But I craved close friendships and stability so much, and rarely got them, that I didn't understand the difference. (I.e., that awkward problem of not really understanding the difference between "romance" and close platonic friendship. Complicated by still wanting sex, ugh.) Once I finally began to actually date - sometimes more seriously - as an adult, my relationships would dissolve within several months at most due to my growing discomfort and confusion, or due to my partner's finding me somewhat cold / technical / friend-like as a partner. The ones who didn't want to break up (who I had to dump) were usually intensely 'romantic' and often very insecure. And I was never good at breakups (in the opinion of alloromantics), seeing over and over again that most people seem to need some kind of... warmth? Special emotional treatment of some kind? I don't really know. I basically see it as their problem, their emotional addiction, being unwilling to fathom a clear and inevitable change. However, as I have become more socially skilled and stable as an adult, I began to care less and less about romantic relationships, realizing that (as an aromantic-allosexual) I was fantasizing about more 'practical' platonic-sexual arrangements. But so few people would seem to really understand this, and meanwhile, the hookup / casual scene leaves me cold as well. (For example, Tinder is far less of a success story for me than you'd expect, since I have specific standards and need to trust & like someone before I engage sexually.) It's been a pretty painful journey, and at this time I'm not sure what I want to do more with my summer. Should I explore the possibilities, knowing what I know now? Should I go celibate for a while and save money and time and social irritation (but risk extreme restlessness since sexual repression is also a chore)? I put friendship and privacy above all, which definitely created further tension whenever I tried romantic relationships. Fortunately, one of my best friends at grad school is an aro-ace and of a similar mind. I am so comfortable and content around her, because I know we will never put pressure on each other. I'm so grateful to have a friend like that in my life. (In fact, getting to know this person is basically how I finally clued in to being aro.) So yeah, here I am, nice to meet you all, and I'm excited and nervous for whatever comes next in my life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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