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comedyofaros

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Everything posted by comedyofaros

  1. Same here, I keep pondering that I'm probably more gray/quoi/something, but I also acknowledge that it doesn't really matter since the distinction won't change how I live now that I'm consciously some-kind-of-aro. For those of you who saw my last post about my roommate(s): I was thinking a lot about my roommate today and a long, close conversation we had last night. I've had a rough life with many good arms-length friends and associates, but not many that have reached this depth. I realized that she gets me more than almost anyone else in my life, and personal (emotional/psychological) intimacy is rare for me, but when I thought about what that might mean for "us" (big heavy quotes to clarify I'm aware of the dissonance in the implication) I went right back to being bored with the idea of a conventional relationship. Fortunately, in our recent conversations, we've talked about basically committing to being BFFs for life with potential for sexual benefits, and maybe in the future we'll be roommates again, and we'll definitely visit each other, but otherwise we'll just go our own way, travel, work, and do our own things. Sort of a nomadic-style non-monogamish QPR or something... haha. The idea of it assuages the subtle demi-romantic feeling I tend to have toward long-term good friends who I can trust with my feelings, but also fits my other preferences. So that's kinda nice.
  2. What's really fucked up is that this is the sort of behavior that lifestyle magazines and dating advice columns universally condemn as "insecure," "immature," etc., because they simply do not fathom that some people are still just figuring things out.
  3. @Quinoa @Cassiopeia Yes, one of the challenges of being a good aro friend is to avoid saying, "Well, why don't you just stop having this problem? Seems simple..."
  4. "Look, if you could tell me what you really want - or if you're shy about it, you can write it down on a slip of paper and pass it to me in an envelope - but unless you really want to waste $55 on food I could cook myself and drinks we could get at the corner store, both for cheaper, and dispense with the silly pleasantries, and even be able to watch something on my computer for absolutely free..."
  5. Or being extremely aware of it and trying to politely avoid their constant subtle flirting. <squirmmmmm> Edit: Even if they're very attractive to me, simply because I don't want anything to do with that romantic vibe.
  6. I'm more like this in that I enjoy the companionship aspect, but as soon as they start acting all mushy and whatnot, I once again start to secretly hate being in a relationship. What I really want is a bunch of cool sidekicks who enjoy having sex with me (or are clear about not wanting it) and also anyone else they may find attractive. (... Am I an alien? Probably.)
  7. Even weirder is that they *like* that sort of thing. It's some kind of bizarre, cognitively induced euphoria, probably an evo psych adaptation to keep humans from eating their young or abandoning their in-group or something... But it's so uncomfortable and inconvenient when a society starts to be able to embrace diversity (like aromanticism!)... So today's horror story on this topic: I'm currently dealing with the ramifications of being an aromantic-allosexual in an allo-allo friend group. Long story short, I'm renting a room from a couple that I befriended years ago. The woman (let's call her Daphne) in the relationship is a sweet, snarky, tough little bartender and one of my BFFs; the guy is a lovable but spoiled man-child (let's call him Bert) who I'm decent friends with, but everyone basically agrees he has a lot of growing up to do. Our friend group sees her in basically the same light as I do, and every now and then there have been muttered conversations about whether Daphne and Bert will last as a couple. So, within a week of me moving in, I intuit that Daphne and Bert have indeed outlived whatever it is that allos get out of their relationships; soon Daphne has confirmed this by confiding in me, whereas Bert is simply moping and not talking about it. Within a month, they have privately broken up, but he'll be moving out in September once I'm gone, so my room is secure and they'll just keep working on things. To the point: As far as I'm aware, they're true alloromantics. (I think she may be demisexual, and is definitely casually bisexual; he is certainly your average straight cis male with all the attendant cultural baggage.) This means that (what to me would be) a simple, bloodless break with maybe some continued sex thrown into the mix, the last two months have been fraught with emotion and surreptitious conversations and Bert - the poor brat - getting his hopes up that maybe they'll work out and he'll get to keep cuddling and having sex with Daphne. This is made doubly awkward by the fact that up to this point, it had been months since they'd had any kind of intercourse, and even more months since they'd been regularly affectionate beyond a little normal hugging/cuddling (so I kept questioning what the hell they thought they were getting out of any of this, aside from cheap rent). IOW, they'd been sustaining their dying relationship on the idea of love simply because they love each other "as people" - again raising the question in my mind WTF the difference could be between a "relationship" and a good close friendship. So while this is all going on, and Daphne's officially ended it and Bert's kinda moping and mostly avoiding being home, she and I get drunk with a friend one night, the friend goes home, and Daphne and I have a conversation about hooking up, because we've always had a non-romantic thing for each other but she's always been with Bert. For me, the aro-allo, this is a perfect situation as long as it's what she really wants and is comfortable with. So we kiss and it's fun and we go to bed separately, and the next day when we're both free and sober we do hook up and it's a fun time. Further philosophical complication enters my mind as I've observed, since then: 1) I'm completely fine with what happened, it was all done 100% consensually and with no sense of betrayal or fucked up power dynamics / manipulation. She is also cool with the situation and we have been completely normal around each other since then (which is not often the case with allo-allos after they hook up with a friend). 2) Meanwhile, Daphne and Bert continue to be extremely emotional (in private) with regards to their breakup. Last night she was drunk and crying until about 3:00. 3) In conclusion, what I'm seeing is that while they're both sad about the breakup, they're also both apparently guiltless in how they're going about the whole thing, despite their grief about it, which implies some dissonance in their concepts of love, sex, etc. 4) Also, he's still horny for her and she's horny in a more ambivalent way, yet in their situation they're not *emotionally* prepared to seek out gratification elsewhere, with the exception of me in her case, and that only once probably because Daphne and I have deep trust in each other. So all that is pretty telling. 5) So bored with the whole alloromantic thing. Anyway, sorry for the ramble - I had to get this off my chest to people whose POVs on this topic I actually understand and identify with. Tried to approach the situation as an amateur naturalist, hope it was interesting.
  8. And if they're really into you and you warn them away, it's like suddenly you've triggered their Alloromantic Death Match Condition in which they must absolutely induce Eternal True Wuv or perish in the attempt. The whole "I'll fix/save/convert you" complex that comes with being unrequited. And then (aro-allo that I am, but not as horrible as they probably believe that I am), I start to feel bad about all that gratifying sex we somehow managed to construct. :\
  9. Studied and then got some fast food with a fairly attractive classmate who is definitely physically one of my "types," but overall just had a mild, amusing time and enjoyed it platonically (even though, quite frankly, I was feasting on her with my eyes) knowing that there was no pressure at all (except for this horrible exam we both have to survive)!
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