Do I (and you) Want A Partner?

[ink]

I've been identifying as aro for about two years and as arospec for a few years before that, and I've been happy with that. While I knew about the existence of queerplatonic relationships, I've always said that I'd only enter one if I found the right person.

Lately, though, I've been craving more intimate relationships. Not romantic or sexual, but I've been finding myself wishing I had a person, someone to share my life with. I haven't been feeling lonely, exactly - I'm still content to do things alone - but I've found myself wishing for more.

I'm not sure if this is because more and more of peers are partnering up (I'm 25, this has been going on for a while, but I think it's gotten more extreme lately) or if I just haven't been spending enough time with my friends (whom I love dearly) or if something about me has changed. Am I just being affected by amatonormativity?

I don't even know how I would find a queerplatonic partner. It's not like dating - I don't think I could make that sort of connection with someone without first forming a natural friendship. I have one friend who I would have once wanted to be in a relationship with, but we've drifted apart, and other than her I've never felt close enough with someone that I actually wanted to live with them.

What do you think? I'd love to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

[graeme]

I don't even know what i want. Im 17 and I haven't had a crush since I was like 10, so I think I'm probably grayromantic or maybe cupio. Anyway, I feel like my ideal situation would be like, living with a really close friend. I don't even know how that would work, and I guess I could settle for being alone, but only if I had a lot of close people who feel like family to me. I guess that's more so what I want; not romantic love, but still love, the way you love a lifelong friend or your direct family. Honestly, I'm still figiring things oit and I'm very confused, but I hope this helps.

[nonmerci]

Personally I think I could wat a roomate, but not a partner, let alone a QPR. Friends are fine, I don't need something else.

[sennkestra]

On 6/6/2020 at 4:54 AM, ink said:

Lately, though, I've been craving more intimate relationships. Not romantic or sexual, but I've been finding myself wishing I had a person, someone to share my life with. I haven't been feeling lonely, exactly - I'm still content to do things alone - but I've found myself wishing for more.

 

8 hours ago, graeme said:

Anyway, I feel like my ideal situation would be like, living with a really close friend. I don't even know how that would work, and I guess I could settle for being alone, but only if I had a lot of close people who feel like family to me. I guess that's more so what I want; not romantic love, but still love, the way you love a lifelong friend or your direct family.

While this is just a personal finding and may or may not apply to either of you, after having experienced both living alone, living with housemates who I was good friends with, and living with housemates who I was kind of distant from.....and after having both close 'feelingsy' friends as well as less emotionally intimate friends....i've found that as i've had more types of experiences i've been better able to start sifting out what parts of each relationship I liked or didn't like?

For me, the conclusion I've come to is that what I want most is not necessarily emotional intimacy: I'm perfectly happy with more casual shared interest friendships, and just not into the 'sharing complex internal feelings' thing, which I already process perfectly well by blogging to random people on the internet.

Rather, what I would want out of a "partner" is the act of having someone to repeatedly "come home to" who, and who I could regularly share life updates with (I found a shiny rock! It's my birthday! or I had a stressful day at work today, i wanna vent and complain).

I also just like having someone else around in the house - to have little sounds of life around me, and to keep me from becoming a complete antisocial hermit. At one point, when i was living alone after my roommate has just left for grad school and I was still looking for a more permanent job, I realized that I had gone almost 4-5 days without speaking out loud to anyone at all - I don't want to let that be a pattern i fall into! (Also, not going to lie, splitting rent in a larger house is a very enticing financial incentive)

Realizing this has helped me realize that "roommates, but a little more intentional and a little more medium term rather than short term" is a better model for the kind of relationships I want than "dating except not romantic and not sexual and all you do is live together and maybe share some financial assets", which has in turn made it easier for me to factor it into my life planning and to describe to others. (Whether it's called a QPR or something else also is of less importance to me - physically having that companionship is of more interest to me that public recognition of a 'relationship')

I've also discovered that while longer term / more intential QPR-style commitment might be nice when i'm feeling more ready to 'settle down', even at 28 I'm still feeling a bit 'young and restless.' So shorter term casual housemate relationships with friends - which I've already been able to form successfully - are perfect for me right now, and the problem of how to create more serious long form versions of such relationships is a problem for future me.

Edited June 10, 2020 by sennkestra

[ink]

sennkestra, I've been thinking about your reply all day and I think you got it exactly right. I think that kind of relationship - shallow-ish but there - is exactly what I need. Now to find a friend to cohabitate with... ?

[aro_elise]

my best friend is all i'll ever need.  (i want sexual partners, but that's different--i mean for closeness/love.)  i want to live with her at some point, but i'm honestly fine with the idea of her finding a romantic partner/husband and living with him for life.  i want to be all over the world anyway, not in the same place for long.  and besides her, i'd prefer to live alone (i have a roommate due to circumstance, until next april.)  i've entertained ideas of asking my best friend for a qpr or some kind of like, unofficial friend-wedding, but i don't think anything would actually change; i don't want it to (except to see her more often).  as for my friends other than her, i'm happy to have them, of course, and i'll be happy to make new ones.  i feel like what i want i either already have or it's within reach.

[pigeonhead]

I'd most want a QPP, but if I do experience mutual romantic attraction to someone then I would be fine with having a romantic partner. I don't really want much contact that is seen as typically romantic in a relationship (Aside from cuddles. Cuddles are the best.) I more value the emotional bond and the feeling that someone is there for me. 

[Ch0c0]

I don't look for a partner but for more intimate friends. That is already too difficult to find.

If I find somebody who wants a serious relationship and can respect my boundaries I may actually consider it. Yes I feel quite desperate.

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

On 6/10/2020 at 1:34 AM, sennkestra said:

At one point, when i was living alone after my roommate has just left for grad school and I was still looking for a more permanent job, I realized that I had gone almost 4-5 days without speaking out loud to anyone at all

That sounds like heaven to me! I do talk out loud to my dogs a lot, but not having to speak with anyone for a whole day?! Awesome!

I might just be in a moody, distant, teenage part of my life, but I wouldn't mind living and operating alone for the rest of my life. 

[Mark]

15 hours ago, Ch0c0 said:

I don't look for a partner but for more intimate friends. That is already too difficult to find.

This is fairly close to what I've always wanted. Though in my case it would be a mix of platonic and intimate friends.
Whilst many other things on this thread, especially cohabitation, are a definite NO for me.
I'm very much more people to go out with rather than come home to.
I can see quite a lot in common with Solo Polyamory. Subject to the caveats of my not understanding allos.
Definitely I want a clear division between residential/domestic and social spaces.

15 hours ago, Ch0c0 said:

If I find somebody who wants a serious relationship and can respect my boundaries I may actually consider it. Yes I feel quite desperate.

When I was younger I might have been more prepared to tolerate such a setup, though preferably non monoganmous.
However in the last 10-15 years, no matter how lonely or socially isolated I have felt, even the idea of this has looked like far too much hard work and emotional labour to failo to get my needs met anyway.