Aro + Asian?

[arolectriclady]

Just wondering if there are any other Asian American or Asian aros on here. What's your experience been like? For me, my parents are pretty liberal compared to other Asian parents. As a woman, I did not grow up with the pressure to get married nor were my parents super strict about dating. Their openness actually made me wonder what was stopping me from pursuing romance since I did not have them to blame for "holding me back." 

[rain of arrows]

I'm Vietnamese! My dad is pretty conservative, and he used to be very uptight and strict about not dating until after college when I was younger. I feel like I should have felt restricted, but I honestly didn't want to date at all. I chalked it up to just being too young to want that kind of stuff. I figured that when I became older, maybe I'd be more rebellious and sneaky and want to date?  I guess? When I did get older, though, he became significantly more lax, which honestly threw me for a 180. At that point, like you, it made me start to wonder what exactly was holding me back, since he wasn't anymore. All of my friends began to experiment and date and I just. Didn't want to, I guess. When my friend came out as ace, I started looking into ace resources and forums and found out about aromanticism. 

[GreenBean]

I am a Korean Canadian aroace! Both my parents tell me and my siblings that they are open to LGBTQ+, and they somwhat are, compared to most Korean parents. But it is quite visible that my dad is pretty repulsive with the idea of one of me or my siblings being queer (lol dad, too late) or even interacting with queer people in real life. My mom tries to be supportive to LGBTQ+ people but she still says some ignorant stuff. I actually came out to my mom as aroace by accident, and even though she said a lot of ignorant words she said she will support me no matter my sexual/romantic orientation. Frankly, I don't think she really grasped the concept of aro/ace, and kinda gave me that "aren't you too young to be deciding that stuff"/"maybe you might find THE ONE"/"who knows, your romantic & sexual orientation might change in the future" talk, but well at least she's trying.

 

But still, to be honest I feel pretty stressed living with my family... My dad claims to be liberal but he is actually pretty conservative, and kinda forces the idea of dating and getting married to a nice Korean guy onto me even though I repeatedly said I don't want to get married, not ever in my life. And it really stresses the hell out of me. He is a stereotypical Asian dad kind of dad, and my siblings are no different. I don't even want to come out as aroace to my other family members cuz they will say some mean stuff without meaning to hurt me, or just think it as a phase, but I will be hurt nevertheless. It sounds pretty depressing but at least I'm off to college next year so I'm looking forward to that!

[accioaroace]

I'm a Chinese aroace. My parents aren't against the LGBTQ+ community, but they don't understand it and they don't really care. My mum is super fixated on me getting married to a boy, and even though I've tried to tell her that I don't want to get married without telling her I'm aromantic, she won't listen to me. It's pretty frustrating because I know that it would take a lot of time and explaining to get my mum to understand, and even then I don't know if she'll support me (and my extended family aren't much better either)

[pictureperfectparadox]

16 hours ago, accioaroace said:

I'm a Chinese aroace. My parents aren't against the LGBTQ+ community, but they don't understand it and they don't really care. My mum is super fixated on me getting married to a boy, and even though I've tried to tell her that I don't want to get married without telling her I'm aromantic, she won't listen to me. It's pretty frustrating because I know that it would take a lot of time and explaining to get my mum to understand, and even then I don't know if she'll support me (and my extended family aren't much better either)

honestly same. i'm chinese and identify as aroace. even though i'm still in the closet, i've still made it very blatant that i'm not interested in dating. i don't dare say i'm not going to get married or have kids anymore; i mentioned it once and both my mom and my dad flipped out. it was so unnerving because my dad is - or was - usually easygoing, and as soon as i commented, "i don't want to have kids," he went on the offensive and told me very firmly, "you have to have children." to me. his daughter.

my mom is a huge romantic. she thinks that having kids and starting a family is the happiest thing i can do - which is really, really ironic since she and my dad fight all the time. whenever i try to subtly say, "i'm not interested in dating," she just passes it off as "oh, you haven't met 'Mr. Right' yet!". she expects me to get married when i grow up once i find my 'soulmate'. 

my parents are also avid trump supporters. which is the main reason why i'm so afraid to come out.

but it really makes me happy to know that i'm not alone in this boat (asian and aro/aroace) anymore!

[Daffodil447]

I am asian-european and my family is quite open and lax about most things. Since I've never been in a relationship even thought I'm in my early 20ies I have had to put up with the somewhat comforting  but awkward "It's okay if you are gay, you can tell us" talk from my little sister. I only recently realised I'm aroace and haven't told them yet since I live on my own.

Apart from my family I guess people always just asumed I didnt date because I was too picky or too focused on my studies. Other parents may have credited my asian heritage for that but I'm not quite sure how it all intersects. I believe it to be possible that, as half asian, people dont think as much of the fact that I've been single forever as they might do with german friends and they just asume it's connected to a presumed garded and reseved upbringing. Well whatever I dont really care what randoms think and my closest friends know about me being aroace (tho they dont all reeeeeally understand it)

[AirConditioner]

My mum had 30+ to see how utterly unsutble I am as aro. I think she would have preferred me as allo but she can deal with it. I have no contact with the sperm donor for 17 years, best decision I ever made. I'm sure he is still mad that I'm not stuck in a marriage where I'm raped and beaten by a man all day, but hey too bad the world don't revolve around what he wants. 

[boba]

I'm Viet! My parents swear they're not phobic, but the idea of me being queer is unwelcome to them. So, I'm not out in terms of sexuality. But I've dropped major hints (aka outing myself during my wisdom teeth surgery) about being aro, but I dont think they understood. But I honestly think they'll experience less stigma about the aro part.

As a kid, they were super strict on dating. I told my cousin that I thought a boy was cute (literally just physically attractive) in kindergarten! She told my parents that I had a boyfriend. Not only did I have to break up with someone I was never seeing (He literally did not know I existed, and I think they talked to his parents too. LOL.), but they forbade me from dating theoretically till end of college. Which obviously was not a problem for me since I never wanted to date anyone. I just assumed that I was too young. But I watched as all my friends started entering relationships, and my parents quickly realised that too. Suddenly the conversation became, "We're not forbidding you to date! We just want you to be safe and studious!" but lmao. sike.

 

ya girl is aro, so...insert awkward peace signs!

 

 

[chairdesklamp]

I'm Hapa. The white side is estranged for good reason because they're all white supremacists, some while also being/having been chasers, which that's about colonisation of POC bodies, so it's a thing. Point is, they were never much of a factor in my life, so I don't really even connect with the Italian side... 

Anyway, well, my Japanese side was really tiny. My dad always wanted a son, for multiple reasons including carrying on the family, but not limited to. He always treated me like both genders, so I actually knew how to shave and stuff when I transitioned. And I think in the end, he'd've been really happy about that. 

I think he'd've then tried to match me up or push me to find a trans woman. Like my ex-wife. Except maybe also at least some part Japanese (I mean I'm already mixed, so who knows?) I'm very happy I didn't make any kids that had to have her as a mother. Vile, vile person. I'm not the only person I know that thinks that.

Anyway, I don't think he'd've been thrilled about this, but frankly, even if T did nothing to the uterus, I'm over the age it's easy or recommended to have kids, so I don't know if it'd even matter to him at this point. 

I can say that recently, I'm looking for a place that isn't a dilapidated dump full of violent bigots. I was at this place in Chinatown that folded because of Covid, a job search place, but she was trying to help me find an apartment. (No joy. SF Bay Area) Her husband had a brother who was married to a Japanese woman. This woman had a single sister, and she tried to get me interested three times. 

I so wasn't, but it didn't bother me 100% even though it was unwanted because it kinda reminded me of my dad talking about me carrying on the family and I just miss having a dad. He wasn't the best person, but he was a pretty good dad.

and also, being mixed, I'm no stranger to running into (more women than men as far as Asian) people who One-Drop Rule me out. I often say"when you're mixed, you're 100% whatever the person in front of you likes less/hates more/considers their outgroup." (Except Asian immigrant men don't do this to me, and Latines often in-group me until I have to tell them I'm not which is always a bit sad because, again, always outgrouped and I finally got ingrouped) 

So, yeah, that was... I had mixed feelings, wasn't entirely negative, even though I did *not* want to be steered into a date. If it was a common thing, though, it would drive me up the wall and I'd become avoidant. 

[Iron_Maiden]

A bit late to the thread, but I'm a Chinese-American college student. My parents strongly frowned upon highschool relationships which weirdly enough didn't bother me at all. My parents are massively homophobic and transphobic but weirdly enough they don't care about the fact that I've never dated before and I'm not interested in relationships. However, they don't know anything about aromanticism so they just think I'm too busy to date people (I'm a physics major, that's probably why). However, my parents do want me to get married after college but I think marriage is a fucking scam. There's nothing appealing about being forced to live in the same house with the person you both argue and sleep with every day.

Honestly though, with the coronavirus pandemic I'm paranoid that the world hates my guts because I'm both Chinese and American. As a POC autistic trans woman I'm also confident that the Trump administration hates my guts too. Weirdly enough, I feel like being aroace makes it relatively easy for me to live through the pandemic. I never really feel any desire for physical contact with other humans, and I'm extremely non-social (I would argue that I have schizoid/paranoid/avoidant personality disorders but that's a discussion for another time) so it's always an easy decision to sit on my ass inside my house every day.

I dunno, I feel extremely alienated in general. I don't identify with either American (too individualistic and consumerist) or Chinese (too authoritarian and traditionalist) cultures because both cultures are nightmarishly transphobic and ableist (at least to me).

Edited August 9, 2020 by Iron_Maiden

[Izel]

On 8/9/2020 at 2:33 PM, Iron_Maiden said:

I dunno, I feel extremely alienated in general. I don't identify with either American (too individualistic and consumerist) or Chinese (too authoritarian and traditionalist) cultures because both cultures are nightmarishly transphobic and ableist (at least to me)

Exactly! In the US, I don't feel I have as much connection to other cultures, and when I try it just feels like appropriation or that I'm faking it even though I am from that culture. I don't think there's one country that has every good ideal nailed down, but you don't have to conform to every single aspect of it. Traditions change with time, and hopefully a more open community can be created in the future. 

[mintly]

I'm Chinese-American and I empathized with a lot of the issues brought up in the last few posts, it hasn't been an easy couple of years for the community, even aside from the question of orientation. Iron_Maiden, I know it's been almost a year since you posted, and I hope things have been ok for you in the meantime.

I've been fortunate that my parents are supportive of my decision not to have kids (which was honestly pretty surprising), although I am not sure they'd understand what aromanticism is. Around family I just act "married to my job" and like my career is more important than anything which at least seems to be acceptable for now.

My main worry for now is that as my parents are getting older they wish I had a partner so that 1. I don't have to do everything by myself (I'm fine with it though) and 2. they'd have someone to help them around the house or in an emergency (since I'm not very physically strong, and Chinese people expect a lot from their son-in-law in general). I'm not really sure what to say to that. I do not want a QPR as I don't think I will ever like anyone that much even platonically. I guess I should count myself lucky for being financially stable though.

[PeterTheTripleABattery]

Man i feel you lol, im Japanese (only on my dads side) and my grandparents live right next door. For some reason they always make it about finding a husband and kids. It iritates me as a aroace/slight romance repulsed. 

[illumi]

as a fellow southeast asian i am very honored to see an asian aro thread. im specifically chinese