GhostyPeppers

I'm not ace, but I think I could help. The thing about aromanticism (and asexuality too) is that our experiences are very diverse, and unlike a lot of other identities, can be impacted by neurodivergentcy, trauma/experiences, etc. I know a lot of aroace people who claim that their ace identity does impact the way they view romance as well! As an alloaro (bisexual to be more specific), I also struggled with telling the difference between romantic/platonic/sexual attraction. It seems to be a pretty common experience here! Coming to terms with my aroness made me realize that, although I liked the idea of romance in theory (mostly through fiction or my wild imagination), I could not possibly see the appeal in real life. I have tried, and it never went anywhere. I would feel this strong attraction towards someone for like, the first month or so, then my interest suddenly faded away. I realized that I was mainly developing SQUISHES on people rather than crushes, and the "loss of interest" could have possibly been me finally feeling like they were the friend I secretly wanted. Some aromantics love romance as a concept and actively participate in it. Some aromantics absolutely hate romance in all shapes and forms, and may even feel repulsed around the idea of being romantically involved at all. Those, however, are two very extreme sides of a coin. Terms like aro-spec and aspec exist BECAUSE there are so many different ways to be either of those things. I say you are very likely to be aromantic as well, BUT you don't have to use that label either! Its honestly whatever you feel comfortable with calling yourself at the end of the day.

I always saw/treated romance as "a best-friendship with extra steps/benefits" , which probably explains a lot about how I view my orientation now. I just never fully grasped what made a romantic relationship different from a platonic one, aside from kissing I guess?? I actually don't mind kissing (although experience is limited), but is that really the only thing that makes it different? At least whats considered socially acceptable. I like romantic-coded things in fiction, and seeing two people with really good chemistry interact, but when I try to replicate the same thing it always fails. My longer relationships lasted because I was friends with that person before, and the shorter ones ended because I confused sexual attraction for romantic (? I think at least, still experimenting with that theory). The only thing I "hate" is that not even alloromantics can decide what the proper definition of romance is.

I usually try to restrict myself from posting a lot on these forums because I don't want to seem "annoying", but I really do wish they were more active. Unrelated: are there any good aro-spec discord servers?

I'm planning on making my own mini comic about my personal aro experiences and posting a part each day!

As someone who had a pretty lonely childhood and had "romantic relationships are the best" shoved in my face constantly, I think knowing a lot sooner would have helped prevent me from getting into horrible situations. Trying to force yourself to feel things that you don't feel can be very confusing and pretty damaging, at least for me it was. I remember going into my new classroom everyday since Elementary and basically picking one person at random to decide to have a crush on (mainly boys) because I just assumed thats how everyone else did it? And then there was sexual attraction which made things MUCH more confusing dating wise. I would feel sexual attraction in middle/highschool and just...assumed thats what love was? Wanting to bone? Thats how the media portrayed it at least (love at first sight or whatever). Sorry for the ramble but, this thread just got me thinking a lot about how I tried to force myself to be romantic as a substitute for happiness and belonging.

@HotRamen sorry for the late reply, but here it is! https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/hooverville/list?title_no=572627 Like I said, neither characters have been offically revealed yet, but I will as soon as I get the chance to. (also, I try my best to tag possible triggers/content warnings since heavy topics are going to occur sooner or later)

Aside from the various art projects I told myself I was gonna do, I think I wanna work on being kinder to myself. Last year really took a toll on me and my already horrible self esteem. I was still in deep denial of my aro identity and suffered because of it. I had also just gotten out of an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that year, and the gaslighting that person did made me think horribly about myself. My goals are: 1. Be more open/accepting of my aro identity, 2. Continue to learn more about the aroace community, and 3. Improve my overall self image.

Thank you so much for all of this, I especially found the blog really helpful!

Would it be ok if I advertise my webomic in this thread? I have one acearo and one aceallo(?) character (although neither have been revealed to be so just yet, I am still only on episode 2) Otherwise, I will let you know if I find other comics with aro/ace characters

So I am sure there is already an in depth guide somewhere on the internet, but I think its better to get multiple opinions from people who Identify as aro, ace, or aroace (+any variation that comes with). To be more specific, I plan on writing/developing some aroace characters (for my webcomic) and as an alloaro, I want to make sure I don't accidently misrepresent my aspec peers. Although the story won't revolve entirely around their relationships, I still want to make it an important part of their identity due to the lack of aroace representation. The first character is a side character who exists to be the mentor/father-like moral support of the small community he lives in. I thought about making him aroace with either being sex/romance repulsed or indifferent. The second character is ace, but maybe not aro?? She has no interest in sex nor would anything in the story put her in that kind of position (shes an anthro bird and the whole comic is sfw with the exception of an innuendo/implied themes here and there). I even thought about putting the two main leads (this including the second character previously mentioned) in a sexless QPR to show how strong of a platonic bond they have to the point where its more than a simple friendship. With all of this in mind, are there anything I am either doing wrong? Are there things I think I should include that are related/exclusive to an aroace arc? Any sources/guides you would like to share? Feel free to give me your two cents, the floor is yours. And feel free to ask questions/clarification.

Im alloaro and I also thought about getting into a somewhat sexual QPR. Im still not fully out as aro but I've been working on it. Hopefully I would try to use some of Holmbo's advice for myself. I wanna try out qprs in general just to see how they work. I wish the best of luck to you, Bas!

1. There are a lot of aros who still want to be in relationships/like relationships in theory, so the lack of attraction but desire to be with somebody still makes you aro! (also, squishes (platonic crushes) are pretty common for aros to have and often get confused for crushes) 2. Although those things can be considered romantic-coded in context, there also present in a lot of non-romantic relationships! I say as long as your friends are ok with that level of affection, theres nothing wrong with expressing your platonic love that way 3. I go back and forth on this, but I would consider myself a mainly romance-positive/favorable when it comes to fictional depictions of love! Aros can have a varying level of comfortableness with romance (fictional or real) and not everybody is gonna be exactly the same! Overall, nothing sticks out to me as "not aro" because there are so many different ways to be aro. Thats what makes aro/ace identities so unique! I think reading through other people's experiences with their romantic/sexual attraction has helped me understand this concept better, so feel free to explore

Im also alloaro, and sometimes I wish I was ace so I could feel less gross about only having sexual attraction. BUT with that said, there is nothing wrong with still feeling sexual attraction without romantic attraction! I just wish the stuff you get out of a romantic relationship wasn't exclusive to them. I would love to live with a close friend and maybe even have a casual sexual relationship with one if possible. And since somebody already mentioned it, the SAM has helped me wrap my head around the whole concept as well.

Yknow its really hard to find people who have your exact experiences. This is probably the closest thing. I experience a lot of sexual attraction or even "aesthetic" attraction, yet I would often mistake that for "love." Someone else in this thread also mentioned "love at first sight", which would describe my sexual attraction more ig. I especially relate to the feeling of claustrophobia or the sense of being trapped in a relationship, which is even weirder if it was a relationship I pursued in the first place. I liked the idea of romantic relationships in the beginning, but I would soon find myself getting that sense of anxiety. If not, complete boredom if it went on for too long. Like, if you take away the physical/sexual aspects of a relationship, what makes it any different from a friendship? And why do some of those things have to be exclusive to one type of friendship? Ive never had any hangups when it came to supporting aro/ace people, but I am now struggling to accept my own aro-ness. I hope returning to these forums would help.

I still ship every once in a while, but I think you describe my relationship to it perfectly. I've been thinking about this for a while when I discovered I was aro back in July. I find myself more invested in the character dynamic and relationship development than the relationship itself. I do like to look at "romance coded" things, but in a vacuum, and shipping happens to be my vacuum of choice. I mainly ship my own characters now since I have more control over their dynamic, but I'll occasionally see two characters and go "haha they're boyfriends" just because. And I do occasionally think of them in s*xual situations. Thats a lie, I think I do more than "romantic" forms of affection. edit: ALSO real life shipping is usually a huge no-no unless the two people in question are actually dating, but even then I wouldn't call that "shipping", more like just finding a couple cute.

I do ask about others friendship statuses sometimes, but I do so out of instinct rather than on purpose. I didn't even notice that I did it until this thread! Wonder if thats an exclusively aro thing? Anyway, I thought up on some prompts that could help: "So you've been staying with X? How's that been?" "I saw you've been hanging around with Y a lot recently, any particular reason?" "So do you and X have anything in common? What kinds of things do you guys do?" "Oh my goodness, my friend Y just did this crazy thing. Does X ever do stuff like that?" Saying these things verbatim might come across as unnatural, so feel free to remix these however you like. I mainly based these off of how I usually start off conversations about other friends. Even starting as simple as "hows your friend X been?" is good! I always want to know what my friend's friends are like, even if I'm not friends with them myself.

Update: After a few months we broke up, but are remaining as friends! I guess I'm ok with that since I was starting to lose interest in the relationship and he probably was too. I don't know, I tried being "romantic", but it just didn't work out. i do feel sad, but I can't tell if its because of the breakup or if I just...secretly wish I was "normal". I still suffer majorly from internalized arophobia despite being a supporter of other ace/aro people for years. I guess its different when you have to deal with it yourself. Anyway, I appreciate the support you all gave me nonetheless! I think aro people who still choose to be involved in romantic relationships are valid as heck, I wish I could though. Maybe I could try QPRs one day.