Queasy_Attention

HA P&P has to be one of my favorite books! I've never seen the film or the show before, but I've always had it on the list of "stuff I think I should probably watch because I'd like it, but I won't watch for a long time for reasons unknown until the end of time." Yknow the feeling. Uggghhh it's so gooooood, because relationships in that setting are more based around, like, political gain rather than actual attraction, and you're lucky if you wind up with someone you can actually get along with and like-- and the whole thing is all about their social relationships between one another as well as their individual relationship together, and there's misunderstandings and ugghhh it's so goooood god, THIS. Growing up I used to, like, lie awake and worry about how someday I'd have to sleep in the same bed as someone else and share a living space with them, and then I'd calm myself down by being like well that's not happening yet, and I've got a lot of time until it does, so I should just enjoy being alone while I still can. Jump cut to now, lol.

I posted this on reddit yesterday and figured hey, why not post it here too? This isn't a call to action or anything, I'm was just excited about all the little discoveries about myself I've been making in the past three or four months, and I wanted to write them down somewhere. If yall have anything like this-- something that realizing you're aro brought to light-- then I'd love to hear your stories too! I learned why I'm really picky about what kind of romance I like to read. I like reading about couples if their platonic or physical relationships are interesting, because as an aroallo I can empathize with and relate to both platonic and physical attraction. If a couple doesn't have either of those, blup bee doo they're boring. Gimme something with enemies forced to work together, or queer historical fiction where they're not allowed to find each other attractive (but they dooooooo). I learned what my crushes really were, and that they weren't really fueled by romantic attraction. I just wanted to feel like I was part of the crowd, and "having a crush on someone" was a way to get other people's positive attention. My favorite part of crushes was gossiping with other people, not actually, yknow, experiencing the crush. I always had to make myself do that part. I felt genuine giddy crush-like excitement whenever I "had" a crush, but it was never because of the person, it was always because of the context. Looking back it's so clear, but I really had no idea for so long. I learned why my past relationships didn't work. They were built on platonic and physical attraction only, nothing else. One case fell apart when I realized the guy wasn't as cool as I thought he was, and the platonic attraction faded away. One was built on dependent platonic attraction on my part, and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until they ended it. And it feels really freeing to finally have a reason why things fell apart, and to know that it wasn't just because I was a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. And I'm not a bad person. Ooh ooh I learned why I hate reading the trope of "character who's determined not to fall in love at the beginning of the story" and just knowing that by the end they'll have found someone ~special~ enough to make them want a relationship-- because I start off relating to the character and end up feeling completely distanced. It's infuriating!! I look back at almost every single character I've written and I see bits and pieces of my aroallo identity scattered around. I knew who I was all along, even if I didn't have the words for it or the self-worth to realize it about myself. Everything I've felt comfortable writing about is everything I would feel comfortable having for myself. And sometimes when I doubt my aromanticism, looking back at all this stuff reminds me that this is my truth.

Oof on the breakup, I'm impressed you managed to stay friends! (My two breakups ended up as charred bridges with no hope of repair.) I feel the same abt not having an IRL community, I've got tons of bi/non-straight friends to talk with, but I know approximately zero aro people IRL. This forum (along with r/aromantic tbh) has been super helpful and validating! Hope to catch you around

I'm a little late to the party and I don't have an answer, but I wanted to chip in my two cents in solidarity-- I was way more aware of the asexual community than I ever was of the aromantic one-- I knew that asexuality was a valid identity (I also knew I definitely wasn't asexual) and I sort of viewed aromanticism as some not-really-real microlabel to describe someone's personal preferences, rather than an actual orientation. (I was maybe 16 or 17 at the time, and had already come to terms with being bi, so I'm well aware it was an unhealthy viewpoint and have since definitely changed my mind.) It wasn't until I went through a lot of relationship-related hardships that I remembered that term that I used to know, and I looked it up again and realized there was an actual legitimate community of people. Their experiences matched up with mine and I realized that "aroallo" was, yknow, a thing. And I was that thing. If I'd known about it as a serious identity and community sooner, well, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I'd still have a few friends that I lost. I'm not sure.

Realizing I was aro changed the way I viewed relationships in media. I realized that what I really liked about those relationships was the specific attractions I related to- platonic and sexual attractions, specifically. I really like it when two people have an interesting relationship in which their friendship is unique and unexpected, or unlikely yet enduring. I like stories where their physical attraction is unexpected or forbidden, so gay romance really hits with me, particularly historical gay romance. I also like the friends-to-lovers trope, because I think my self-insert fantasy is to just have a really good friend with physical attraction/affection/intimacy added into the mix. I used to ship a lot. Now that I actually know what it is that I like, it takes a little more to get me invested than just a few spare glances. I haven't shipped anything new in a while, but I have a handful of old ships and saved fics that I keep in a back filing cabinet in case I need a pick-me-up. Most of them are for books, TV, or movies, but I do have one old lil' RPF ship that's stuck around with me through the years. They have such a cute dynamic ❤️ But now I've mostly been reading original books instead of fanfic. There's a lot of good trashy romance if you know where to look for it, and I've found a few really good ones. It's funny to see which authors know how to write good chemistry and which authors paint by the numbers, lol. I'm not saying original fiction is any better or worse-- and in fact, a couple of books are much worse than some of the stuff I've read on AO3-- but I think I just got tired of having to interpret my own queer reading onto obviously straight media. I like reading books written about queer people for queer people, and I find it more rewarding when the canon text has the guys or the girls get together in the end.

put that on a T-shirt lol

I honestly don't believe this. Times have changed so much, and with the ever-growing voices of those of us who don't conform to the "fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house" aspirations that have been standard for decades, friends are becoming more and more important. People, particularly millennials and those younger than them, are staying unmarried for longer, thinking more maturely and seriously about the relationships they do form, facing economic problems that make having kids and getting a house much bigger obstacles than they used to be, and realizing the value in basic friendship and support for one another with no romantic or official strings attached. I think that's wonderful. And I believe that if you carry yourself as someone who values friends over romantic relationships, you'll attract like-minded people who see the value in your friendship, and in the love that you share. I have a few close good friends, and I've stayed friends with them through some relationships. I still offer them love and support, and they offer me the same. It doesn't really matter to me if they find romantic partners, because I'm not vying to be "number one" in their lives (and I could go into a multi-paragraph tangent on that but I'll just leave it at that for now.) I just want to be able to show and give them love when they need it, because I care about them.

I chose definitely not for both marriage and kids. Kids are a hard no, I just don't like the idea of raising them. I'm even uncomfortable looking after them at all, I can't talk to them. Marriage or a QPR was a little more complicated, but I ended up saying no. I don't want anything with a label on it, I don't think.

Hi! I'm fairly new here, it's exciting to see someone who's more used to the community and the label. Hope to see you around the forum!

I have bipolar 2! It affects the way I view myself and my personality-- I feel like I have a few different "types" of personalities depending on whether I'm in a hypo-manic swing, a depressive dip, or staying more at baseline (which makes things like personality tests kinda difficult, since I usually have two different answers that could apply at two different times.) For those unfamiliar, bipolar 2 is slightly different from bipolar disorder in that it's not as intense and is more or less manageable without hospitalization or intense medication-- though some people do choose to take medication to stabilize their moods. It's a big part of my life and it's a little strange that I don't really share about it with anyone else. I've never met anyone with bipolar 2, save for lurking in r/bipolar2 lol. I seriously doubt anyone else around here is gonna relate or have this in common, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

LITERALLY NEVER REALIZED THIS BUT SHIT YEAH also ooh ooh YMBAI all your favorite characters are sassy "third wheels" who think the main will-they-won't-they couple is kinda gross but eggs them on anyway because they want happiness for their friends

Casual SU fan over here! I have a habit of rewatching clips on YT sometimes when I get bored-- plus the songs are catchy and fun to learn to play

Ah, I feel this way too-- I felt it a lot when I was first questioning myself a few months ago. I think the main part of it is that I like having a word to describe a part of myself that I've previously felt shame or confusion for. I felt the same way about my bisexual label, or my bipolar 2 label. Having a solid name for something meant that it was legitimate, that I had tangible proof other people would understand my experiences, and gave me a solid justification for the way I felt and acted in my past beyond "well, I guess I'm just a stupid crazy person." This feels very similar. Being aro has affected the way I act and feel in quite a few ways, and being able to find a word and a community that describes those feelings and actions feels really good. It felt empowering to look back at the way my past relationships went and say hey, maybe there's a reason that I didn't feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel. It felt exciting to look back at the books and shows and stories I'd read, watch, and write, and say hey, maybe there's a reason that I like these specific tropes and write these characters this way. I read about many other people's experiences and their stories resonated with me. I connected with them in a way that I've never been able to connect with anyone else before. All those feelings really make me want to be Aromantic and fit within that label-- even if I might not be 100% black-and-white "aromantic." I'm young, I'm only 23, so for all I know I could experience romantic attraction sometime within my life. I'm still trying to come to terms with that, because I really do love being aro and participating within this community. But reality is going to be whatever it's going to be, and if I'm not quite aro then I'm not quite aro. But for now, "Bi AroAllo" seems to fit me better than anything else, so for now I'm keeping it! Hopefully some of this helped you, and I wish you the best of luck in finding your truth

"ayy-rock-uh-lips" in my head, "uh-rock-uh-lips" if I said it out loud.

Hi, welcome to the forum!

Huh, I haven't really thought about this before. I've had a strange personal history with friendships, though. Long story short, when I was younger I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends because of some unchecked mental stuff. Even now that I'm older and I have good friends and I have some solid skills and coping mechanisms for those mental problems, I still have a skewed perspective when it comes to forming relationships (with a lowercase 'r') with other people. I tend to get nervous that they'll think I'm weird, or too much, or annoying, or I'll worry that they'll find another friend and like them more than me, and cut me out. It basically boils down to really strong and partially unhealthy platonic attraction. I've been working on it pretty heavily, and by now I'm in a place where I can be honest about my worries, both with myself and with the people to whom those worries apply. It's helped a lot. I definitely do share the excitement-high whenever a friend tells me they love me or that they like to be around me! It's funny, because usually I have no problem telling my friends and even my acquaintances that I love them, because it makes me feel good! But I do have one friend who's close to me, and I had a frank talk with her about how I don't want a relationship but I really valued her as a friend, and we ended up agreeing on a FWB relationship that's going pretty well. I struggle to tell her I love her, not because it's not true, but because I'm worried it might give off signals that I don't wanna give off. (Even though, yes, I've had MULTIPLE conversations telling her what's up, lol.) So that's a little annoying, I guess. I think I'm lucky right now because both of my close friends aren't in relationships, and as far as I can tell they're not looking for them anytime soon. That gives me some comfort. I'd hope that if they got into relationships, that would just mean that we got another friend into the circle! (I'm optimistic, sue me)

Heya! Welcome, fellow aroallo! Jewelry and model making sounds really cool, it's always neat to learn about other people's hobbies

Ayoo welcome!

Used notebooks

Ayoooo welcome! Friendships with kissing lmfao we all relate Welcome to the club!

I feel the same. I'm on again, off again whenever I think about QPRs. I also really like the fact that I'm aro (now that I actually know that about myself), and I love thinking about how I don't have to tie myself to anyone, or combine my life with someone else's. That being said, I don't want to be completely alone either. It's a strange state of mind-- I want good friends, and I think maybe ideally I'd like someone who was a little more than a friend, maybe someone who understood my relationship to relationships and accepted that. I'm aroallo so really the dream would be to find someone down for a FWB-but-still-like-really-good-friends relationship? I feel you on the not wanting commitment, though, and I'd really hate to label any sort of relationship... Shit's confusing, I'll drink to that

@aroscorpio Yeah of course! Best wishes your way

Heya! I'm an aroallo and I've never had much of a problem identifying my sexual attraction for what it was. I might have a weirdly specific list of things that trigger it, but I definitely know it's there and it works just fine. There's a difference between having an active sex drive/libido and experiencing sexual attraction, though-- there are plenty of aces who have active libidos, but don't feel sexual attraction towards others. That's completely valid-- and so is having no sex drive at all, or even experiencing something in-between. To touch on your points a little: - Finding someone "hot" doesn't always mean I feel sexual attraction. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It might even be the same person, but depending on the day or on my mood or on my cycle, I might feel sexual attraction towards someone when I see them and I might not. It's a little finickey, lol. - I've definitely experienced the want to sleep with someone-- and that again is a little on a spectrum. Sometimes I just like to fantasize about it without actually wanting it in real life, and sometimes I actually do want that experience and wish I could have it. Both, to me, fall under the label of "experiencing sexual attraction." - I was curious, so I did try one of those ace quizzes online. It seemed pretty... un-scientific and a little biased with limited options, but nonetheless it definitely labeled me as an allosexual, which is accurate. I don't think I'd use this as a baseline for your identity, but it's a good piece to add to the puzzle.

Ayyy welcome to the club Ghosty! I'm right there with you on so many points-- confusing platonic/sensual/physical attraction with romantic attraction, having some nasty breakups/loss of friends as a result, wanting to be around other people who Get It, and also liking romance in media! Hope to see you around the forums

I love coming home after a trip out somewhere. Going away for a week, a couple days, a few hours-- coming home is always the best part. Even if I'm out with friends and I have a great time, it's so nice to close the front door to my house and just rip a giant fart without hesitation.