Hi everyone, what a nice surprise to find this forum!
I’m writing here to find out if other people have experienced the same thing as me : as it need a bit of explaining sorry long message coming.
Also English isn’t my first language so if I happen to commit an offence to your language’s beautiful grammar I apologise hehe.
I’m 30 and have been aro&ace for about 9 years now. I don’t mean that I figured out my identity 9 years ago, I mean I literally became like this when I used to be “normal” before (forgive the poor wording choice, I definitely use it as a shortcut not a judgment).
The thing is that I fell very, very ill in my early 20’s and it messed up my hormones’ level quite heavily. What I got is still a big unknown (type of hepatitis probably, maybe, doctors aren’t sure) but I’m now considered completely cured even if I still have a couple of symptoms very lightly hanging around.
But since that illness I turned out to become ace and aro!
I’ve had a couple of happy romantic and sexual relationships, crushes and fantasies etc before getting sick but since that nothing at all...
It took me a while to figure out what I had become, I even tried a relationship with a guy I quite liked because I didn’t know I had changed and was a bit confused. I quickly understood that something wasn’t working though, especially regarding sex, I kept thinking : “Why in the hell people do that for, and why did I used to want this?!”.
As you can imagine the relationship didn’t last long haha.
After a while I found using this miracle that is internet that I was aromantic asexual. No drama, I was quite happy to just be able to put a word on the thing and know that other people were like me.
Even if it took me a few years to feel “legitimately” aromantic and asexual as it wasn’t how I was born I’m now very happy with my identity and actually find it extremely liberating. Having being on both sides I can tell you I absolutely love being like I am now and wouldn’t want to go back.
I even have nightmares sometimes in which I start to fall in love and find it very upsetting as I can feel it happening, whithin the dream I’m like :”Hoooo nonononono!”. Always happy to wake up from those XD
I love the freedom being aro and ace gives me, not having to care to appeal to a potential love or sexual partner and never being tied up by a relationship. I can be truely myself, and enjoy amazing friendships without feeling awkward (except when the other part is interested and I didn’t notice the signs, even the obvious ones, oopsie!).
Love is an interesting matter but I very much prefer to go without it, to me it takes at much as it gives. It forces one to compromise one’s identity (even in happy/healthy relationships) because one has to change even a little bit to make things work. I see so many people putting their dreams aside to keep a relationship working (I did it too) as they feel that their love is worth it, and maybe it is after all I’m not here to decide... Love is a trap, a lovely one maybe but a trap nonetheless! (It goes without saying that I do not discuss this specific matter with my friends or many other people, I reckon they would just see me as pedantic and having a “superiority complex” haha).
The only downside is of course the part when other people might not understand that no, it’s not about “finding the right person” or not that I have been raped when I was a child, or that I’m a closeted lesbian in deny and I’m now used to have them explaining to me what I actually feel because you know, of course they know better than me. Also not wanting kids (I find the idea of being pregnant revolting and the only way I would have kids is by borrowing some from other people for a week or so per year, not a very popular opinion I’m afraid haha) I’ve been used to hear : “A woman without children is like a tree with no roots” and all that kind of rubbish.
Anyway I’m not going to explain that part to you, you’ve probably heard it all before.
But I can’t complain really, I’m lucky enough to have family and friends who understand me plus probably having a “good reason” (= a medical condition) makes it more easily acceptable for the “general public” and compare to other aro and or ace.
I have a question though:
Is there anyone that you know of how became aro/ace after a disease or is it your own story too?
I’m curious about it but also a bit uncomfortable because I don’t want others to think I imply being aro and or ace is the result of something wrong in your body, some that could be cured. I know it to be the case for me but totally believe/respect others who were born this way, I even feel for them to have had to go through those stupid teenage years being different, that must be tough...
As this forum looks filled with respectful and understanding people I thought it could be a good place to talk about it.
Thanks for reading!