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Blake

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Everything posted by Blake

  1. Blake

    Curious about dating

    For me, it was in reverse. I dated and then after the breakup I found that I was aro. Either way, if you are curious as to what dating is, do it. However be honest with your partner and put ground rules. You don't have to out yourself, saying that you want to experience what dating feels like but do not expect romance or a lot of romance can do. Experiment and see how you feel, how you react toward situations. But always communicate. Since you know your aro, you may sometimes feel guilt over not being able to reciprocate feelings back, that is normal. Do not let it consume you, you are exploring what dating feels like but on your own terms, not how society tells you to do it. Do it at your pace and if it doesn't work out, it didnt and now you have the experience. If you think is working out, congratz on finding your ideal relationship ^^
  2. You are right in saying only you know the answers to your identity. What you described of feeling repulsed by someone confessing to you sounds very aro experience. It is common from what I read here. Now, the jealous part, that can be for various reasons, and not all have a simple answer nor root. Example: you may feel jealous because you are not the center of attention for this person. Maybe you feel jealous because now, you won't spend as much time with them. Or maybe, you feeling jealous because you are thinking that now there are things you won't be able to make with this person. All three examples are similar but different at the same time. You may call it jealous, but someone else calls it having another thing. What is cereal for you, someone else it may be oatmeal. This is to say that you are saying you felt jealous, but that doesn't mean I understand what you mean by that, because my refference of jealously may differ from yours. Wanting to be friends with someone with the motives of being friends is what some call a squish. This intense feeling of "we have to be friends, yes or yes" I've only felt it with 1 person so I am not best example. Daydreaming of being in a relationship isn't an indication of anything, just that you want to be something more than friends, and that is fine. You give actions meaning, you bringing a rose to someone vs you saying I thought of you so I got you this rose will give two different results. You decide what are the motives behind your actions. Lastly, if you want to use the aro, it is fine. I encourage that you use it and see how it makes you feel. You can embrace who you are, if the label you use it and don't feel like it describes or defines you. Drop it. Worst case, you used that time to discover more about yourself, thus advancing in the knwoledge of your identity.
  3. Hi Joey, aroace (for now identifying as trans too but is new territory for me so I'm taking it slow). I am not a super intimate person cuz I don't feel romantic nor sexual attraction but I like cuddles with friends. I like to know that I have a safe space to feel like me without feeling judged with my chosen family and that we have each other even though we are in different countries. This is to say that I may not be super physical but I know how to make people feel a connection with me without there being a romantic connection. ^^ glad you are working and studying, I did the same in college. Wasn't super easy but someone needed to pay bills :3. welcome and here some key lime pie and coffee (insert tasty key lime pie and foamy coffee)
  4. My advice? Do not focus on microlabels of you are unsure if a bigger label fits you or not. Explore yourself, ask the reasons you felt like you did. Starting with boys, did you like them physically or where you attracted to what they represented, their ideas, thoughts, behaviour. There are different kinds of attraction, so identifying which you felt would help you understand why you blushed, or why maybe romantic coded actions triggers a behaviour in you. Same with girls, why you got butterflies, why you felt jealous, of what specifically. Do not shy from the answers, they are within you. Face it and dicover yourself ^^. On the topic if you are aro or not. Mate, only you can label yourself. Now, having said that. My experience as an aroace is the next. I do not feel sexual nor romantic attraction to anyone. I view people like siblings, i like them sometimes, i hate them others, but that doesn't change that they are fam. I do not feel romantic nor sexual attractions to my siblings, so it is the smae for everyone around me. What I feel attraction is toward certain femenine things, but it is separate from my sexual and romantic attraction (For now I am identifying as transgirl to give you some perspective). I did introspection, and I divided my attractions. I thought I was attracted to women, but I wasn't really, I was attracted to what they represented and what I wanted. This is an example of how complex an identity is, and tricky to differentiate one from another. If you do not have feelings that are spontaneous, if you see someone and do not think involuntarily a sexual or romantic thought. If you think of everyone around you, your besties, or strangers as siblings. Then maybe you are aro. But that is up to you. You can be aro-spec, but don't go there if you are not sure you are in the spectrum. It is a lot to go into microlabels, some people find happiness in identifying with microlabels, some dont. Both are equally valid. Hope this helps ^^
  5. Blake

    Hobbies

    I love playing videogames. My new one is ffxiv, cuz i love ff and mmos. Besides that, now i am getting into doing excercises cuz pandemic+fridge=lots of weight. Always been a healthy person but pandemic hitted me hard so stopped doing it, now resuming finally.
  6. Before going in a sexual relationship make the statement that is going tl be only a sexual relationship, no romance. If they say yes, you don't have to lie about the romantic coded messages, remind them that you saod from the beggining no romance and thats it. If they say no, then look for another person. A relationship is everyone inside or making aggreements on whata allowed and whats not. The party that breach it is the one at fault. You may not find that person in a short time but they exist. Tldr: be honest, don't give false hopes and treat a relationship like a contract, the one that breaks knowing it is not what the contract stipulates is in the wrong.
  7. Hello, I can't tell you your identity, no one here but you can do it. What I can tell you is that the problem starts when the affection is reciprocated. You start feeling not you. So try to take it slow, do not rush into a relationship. If someone has a crush on you, and then after you knowing you develop one, that can be that you like or get attached to feeling valued, to feel noticed and thus want more of that and your mind goes to reciprocate it as to have more, but then your identity appears to clash and say no to it. Before seeking people for validation about you, you have to put yourself into the equation and on the top. If someone has a crush on you, make them work for it or reject them outright. Do not play with people's feelings, do not give them hope if there is none to give. Be frank, amd first explore yourself. Ask yourself, why do I feel this way, is it because of my identity or another outside factor? Your feelings are important, but you have to put them in order before going to explore other peoples. Right now, take it slow, be kind to yourself, and seek the answers inside you cuz they are there, you just have to find them
  8. If its in a platonic way, yes. Before discovering my aro-ace I thought of everyone in a sexual scenario but it was out of curiosity, and a bit of social pressure to have sex since at that time I was in college and everyone around me talked about sex. Now, I just think in a platonic way, since I've had sex, it was eh and now my curiosity is sated so no need to think of something when I know the answer I was looking for. I am discovering my gender identity so in a binary scenario I guess that is a no. I don't think of guys, just if they can bring me a good benefit (which in most scenarios they can't unless is free food). I think now more of girls but is because my assigned sex isn't what I feel comfy,and looking at the binary (which is a simplistic and questionably way of looking at it) I identify more with being female even though I dont like the binary. Idk if that answers your question but yeah. Boys, icky. Girls, interesting. People outside the binary, good.
  9. I feel uncomfy at big events too. Going to the beach is almost always a no no for me. It is a mix of me being uncomfy by people staring or looking at my body and the expectations that I should be doing something and not just be there like a decoration plant. If its with friends I say yes to most things because I know them and we all clear. But with strangers there is something that is expected of me and I don't like that. Marriages are annoying for me. Going to funerals is way easier for me. As long as I know someone there that can help me in case I get to uncomfy, I try to be social. If not, nop.
  10. To be honest, I did not give it much thought until now. I used the first to say that I wanted nothing more, just be friends with the person and be chill together. I can see how that is dismissive of a platonic relationship now, so I would not use it again for that reason because I value friendship a lot. Few people can actual say that we are friends and the statement be true, because I have to consider the person to be a friend first before acknowledging that they are indeed my friend and it has to be a 2-way path. Anyone can say that we are friends, that doesn't mean we are, at least that is what I believe. I want to add to this that it is hard to find someone who is the opposite sex and be friends with them, because the automatic response or scenario is that they think you want to be friends so later you can have sex with them, as that being friends is a prerequisite for sex. I don't believe that having sex and being friends are hand in hand, nor that one leads to the other. This is me ranting about people misinterpreting my intentions to start a convo. I iust want to talk to you and maybe befriend you so we can go grab a cup of coffee and talk about life, I have zero intentions to have sex with you, I just want more friends that I can drink coffee with.
  11. My advice? Do not leave. At the bare minimum you should know your partner for at least 2 years. Moving in with someone is a wild card for both. You don't know what's gonna happen, or how both will react to the change. Also, you have kids. Yes they may not call you mother but that doesn't make you less of one. Those kids do not owe you anything, but you brought them into this world, that makes you have some responsibility in their lives. Actions have consequences, you gave birth so at the very least if they need you, you should be there for them. I am not telling you to be physically there, but on phone calls, or video chat. Let them know that if they need you, you will respond. I will say it again, 1 year is not enough time to know someone. If you move in, you will alienate yourself from the first safety net, your family; and second safety net, your friends. This means that if poop hits the fan, you would have none or very few people. This makes it harder for you to get up on your feets again. If you want to distance from your family, do so, but do not cut both your fam and friends. Always have a back up plan, a friend, a therapist, someone who can serve as link or a safety net that you can cushion your fall, if you do. Be prepared for the worst, because is better to be the crazy survivalist with nuclear shelter than being the roasted corpse in the house when a nuclear warhead falls down.
  12. Lots of food for me. Dont have to eat things i dont like Key lime pie only for me All coffee for me ^^ Don't have to meet extended family and be awkward Cheap vacations and one day planning at most Can hang more with friends Basically not having to take care of someone thats not me. I dont take usual bs when ppl tell me they where late. Your partner doesnt work for you nor are you tied to them, be on time or dont come at all. ^ me only thinking on partner related stuff but is 2am and insomnia is annoying Can speak my mind, if i want something I do it or get it. No romance triangles (based on geometry at least one is queer if we are attracted to each other.) Romantic movies now are comedy I enjoy horror movies more since few romance when someone is following you with an axe
  13. My aro moment was when watching Brave with family and everyone sided with the mother and I was the only one that defended Merida till the last. Only disney princess that gives me full aroace vibes and fave so far. My family couldnt understand why Merida didnt want to be queen and also only thought Merida didnt want to marry for selfish reasons. I can understand not understanding the character, but imposing your views on the worlds is wanting people to be like you, and we all unique.
  14. Ask yourself, do you want to be with this person? If the answer is no, talk with them and say that you want to be very good friends with them and you enjoy spending time with them but thats it. Yes it would be kind of rejection but if you don't want to be with them you have to voice it or the situation can be misunderstood and you may lose a friend. If the answer is yes/maybe, see if you can know for certain they have a crush on you or not, ask them questions about if they are seeing someone at the moment, what do they think about queer people (this is to know if they would be in a qpr or a relationship with someone queer/or if they are heavily influenced by heteronormativity). Ask them about themselves, to see if they are self centered or not. Know them better, evaluate them and you will find their reasons if they have or not. This is what I would do, and have done in the past. I like to know who am I really speaking to, and if its worth my time listening to them (if they have something to say that isn't blatantly racist or derrogatory).
  15. I won't enter much into feelings since those vary from person to person. What I will say is that boundaries should exist in every relationship, romantic/platonic/etc. If something doesnt feel right, say it and look for a substitute. If you want space, say it. Ice cream craving? Go ahead and say it and maybe you'll get lucky ^^. If you question what you are, then do it all the way. Dissect ypur thoughts, feelings. Why you feel that way, was it because of someone said it? An action someone did?. Is there a correlation between your past relationships that have a common variable (besides you as a person). Why did your past relstionships failed? Did they blame you or did you blame yourself? And so on. Ask yourself questions and try to look for the possibilities. Only you hold the answers, we can help you by relating our stories but thats about it. My past relationship blamed me for the breakup, and I take the blame because I knew that there wasn't a future the way things went. Maybe I could have modified myself and save it, but i didn't because changing who I am is not something I will do for anyone. You either take me whole or nothing at all. I can do happy mediums on some things, but if you want to change my core, that ain't gonna happen. This is to say that you should be yourself, do not let anyone define who you are as an individual. If someone wants you, they will make you see it, and if not, then why be with someone that doesn't appreciate you?
  16. Im a bit late to the thread but if you still here and questioning I will give you my feedback on the matters. This is a complex and multi level issue. One thing does affect another but not entirely. By this I mean that you are questioning your identity and that is fine, however in that questioning you have to take into account that you are dealing with more problems that will affect you. I will take it from the top, First paragraph is important: acceptance. So your mother did not accept your identity, this means that you may want to conform to what she wants you to be, thus you question if you are or not aromantic. This is based on human connections, you want to connect with people so you mold yourself into what they expect you to be. One of the things that make queer people seem radical while they are not. Society is telling them to mold themselves but we ain't having none of that bs. It is a real problem and one that affects each on a different matter. Second paragraph: You can be aro and still want a relationship. Aromantic means that you have few or none romantic attraction. Nothing more nor less. So yes, you can want a qpr, a normal relationship, and still be aro or aro-spec. With those aside, let me tell you that if you want answers, you have to ask ghe hard questions and analyze the responses. 1. Why do I want to be in a relationship with this person. Is it because I like them for what they bring me or is it because I like something they have? You may want to be in a relationship because you feel a connection toward that person, but so you can be because you like how she treats you. This is a complex question, one that you have to dig. 2. Why did my previous relationships didn't worked? Was it because of the circumstances, me, them, both, family? Really, would you fixing the circumstances would made a difference? 3. Do I want to be in a relationship because society tells me I need to be in one to have a meaningful life? Because it allows me to have sex without shaming me for having it? Do I want to be in a relationship because that is what my family wants of me? Now, a crush and a squish are different. Did you made yourself feel those emotions/feelings or was it involuntary? Did you wanted that person for what they are or for what they can be? Was it because at your age that was what people where talking and you wanted to be part of it? My last thoughts, do not focus on micro-labels. Labels are as good as you make them be. If you think your aro or aro-spec. Use that label and later think in the specifics. Micro-labels where made to pinpoint the exacts words to describe the experience, not to tie you down. Hope this helps and may you find answers.
  17. I know for sure that I haven't experienced romantic attraction. My reactions to someone "confessing" their feelings to me is more close to the description of a panic attack than anything else. I don't like feeling tied down to anything, I like to spend time with people but not for long. I didnt read the whole thread but have the gist of it. I don't feel I am missing out on anything by my lack of attraction. It is what it is, and I see it as something that makes me, me. I see and hear too many stories about unhappy relationships so I don't want to be one of them. If by any chance I find someone that we both can tolerate each other and enjoy each others company 70% times,and want to be in a qpr with sex very rarely or never, I would do it. We both could see the world and be ourselves and just be happy. But if it doesn't happen, I'll do it alone and thats it. I don't need anyone to complete me, that is an heteronormative and amatonormative concept and I will not be part of it.
  18. True. I have 5 dogs and love them all. TPBM loves pasta and seafood
  19. Hello there ^^ welcome and yay on discovering your identity. I am aro too, for now idk really if I want to be in a qpr or not cuz personal reasons but I believe that you'll find yours :3 I love spooky films too, my reasons being few romance in it so I can enjoy the plot more.
  20. Hello, welcome and enjoy your stay. If you say you want to mingle with us, you are more than welcome ^^. Just reading is fine, and any further questions, feel free to ask. Here some key lime pie and coffee for you stay (insert pastry and coffee)
  21. This is only something that you can know for sure, since they where two separate people, and both (as far as I understand) you reciprocated their feelings, it now questions the motives. 1. You did it involuntarily or 2. You did what was socially acceptable to do/ you did what society tells you to do in that situation. Ask yourself, why you did it? Did you felt something while doing it? You may have done it to make them feel appreciated even though you did not felt something by doing it. You do actions, that doesn't mean that you will get something in return for doing them.
  22. Hello there, I would say first that having butterflies can also mean that you where anxious of what could happen with that person. Another thing is that you have to think, "Do I feel like this because I like the person" or "Do I feel like this because that is what everyone around me says they are feeling". Those two are different since you can make yourself have a crush/squish but that doesn't mean it is an actual one since as dar as I know, having either is more of an involuntary feeling. To me is sounds like squishes coupled with a bit of anxiety to what the other person would react or say. I can be wrong since only you know yourself, but that is what I thought. Hope it helps and anything else ask away ^^
  23. Hi there anon, I will say first and foremost that this forum is not made to treat any kind of issues that are not a-spec. Most of us do not study medicine or psychology, so at best we can advice, nothing more than that. What you feeling is valid, no one can tell you otherwise. In my opinion, you are obsessed with this persons, and I believe that there is nothing one should obsess about, but that is me. You cannot let anxiety rule your life, it is terrifying to confront your anxiety but it is something you should do if you want to have it under control. Look for a therapist, speak about how you feel with them, and they will be able to help you. If you are a minor, tell you parents that you want to see a therapist for your own health. You don't have to explain much to them if you do not want ofc, that is up to you. As for a coping strategy, speak to them and try to make a conversation. See how you feel and do it as much as possible, remember that we are all people with autonomy, so it is ok to be rejected, just do not let it be all your life or your experience. If they don't want to talk, look for someone that wants, there are over 8-9 billion people, not everyone wants to talk, but some do.
  24. This is what I was looking for, your opinion, and you gave it. Thanks a lot, anybody else is welcome to comment. I want to collect all data from sources first before making a decision, but thanks a lot @Ashe.. I know that whatever I choose, it will be well researched and I will make sure to have a group of people to help me along the way, I will be making all decisions but in this topic, I will ask for help because is something I know I cannot do alone.
  25. I didn't like holding hands. My hands are mine and constantly holding someones hand made them sweaty and then I had a sweaty hand and it was awkward to say to give me back my hand to wipe it up and try to hold hands again. Because now we are not holding hands and resuming the activity seems redundant since the same results will happen. But my ex-partner liked it and I did not wanted to smash their expectations. It was after breaking up and some months later than I realized I was aro, but at that moment I felt guilt for not comforming with what was expected of me in a relationship by society's standards.
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