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Everything posted by Blake

  1. Banned for not having a profile pic of coffee
  2. Ok, first of all hey! and yes I did read all your post. ^^ I like to read long posts. I will try my best to help you and for longetivity sake I am going to take it by paragraphs That you have experienced romantic attraction before does not mean that you cannot be gray-/aromantic. What I'm saying is that it is a lot more complex than a yes/no, and you said it too. I cannot speak from a gray pov, since I am aromantic, so I will tell you about my experience. When I had 12 years, I got my first "crush" (now I believe it was a squish) and that moment 12 years old me was convinved that I experience "love" because all the signs where there. Now to the present, when I think about that person now I feel nothing at all, and this is because what I understood that it was love, really was me wanting that person to be with me until we die. But it wasn't romantically, it was because of personality (and a bit of aesthethic). The same moment, but from different times yield different results, because we change how we see things. This is why I believe that you can still be aro even if you have experience love, because is how you are perceiving it at that moment, and it is valid. Every experience is different, yes it has similarities, but it is not always 100% the same. I am aro and sometimes I wish I could feel romance, because then I wouldn't think I am broken. There are days that I want nothing more than experience "falling in love" because then I could feel normal. But that won't happen, and even though is a little sad, deep down I am proud of not feeling those things. Because I learned that those things that I am missing out, really are not as important as people make them out to be. Also, your experiences will play a role in how you interact with people. Ok ok, here is the part I am interested in explaining (not that I wasn't interested before but this is something I know firsthand). Be it that you lack romantic attraction or that something happened that stunted you, you are not less valid nor can't be grey/aromantic. Now, you experienced, what doctors may call an emotional trauma (your friend who you fell hard rejected you) and then you got into an abusive relationship (which further the damage that you had). Both of these events shaped you, and when you got out of the abusive relationship, what happened is that your body did not like those experiences that you had and started a process of coping. What your brain did was block possible emotions related to the trauma (you fell hard for your friend and now your body won't let you do it again with anyone; you went in an abusive relationship and now your brain is not letting you enjoy your current relationship because it is associating it with the bad one). I am not diagnosing you, since I am not a doctor, but as a survivor of traumatic events I understand a bit of how your body copes with traumatic events (again this is fom my experience). And you ca be aro/greyro if you like that label ^^, it is just that, a label and everyone who is inside it shares some things, but we are not 100% the same. You being emotionally supressed has nothing to do with the fact that you want to call yourself greyro, it is an experience that you had, the same way people don't experience romance the reason behind the action do not make it less that you are doing the action. All your reasons are valid, but this ones I think I want to tell some things. Firstly, do not force a relationship, this only ends in making the people inside a relationship bad. Do not force something that you are not feeling. I am not saying you are not feeling something, but tell the other person exactly what you think you are feeling. If you think is not romance, tell him. If you think is romance tell him. Whatever you are feeling, make him know how you are feeling it. Your past trauma may play a role in what you are currently feeling (see above) so take it in mind. You do not have to tell your current partner your past if you do not want to, that is up to you. Now if you are uncomfortable with his affection, tell him. You do not have to accept his affection if you do not want to, a relationship is not only affection, it has so much components, that if one cannot be done, then others can be done. Talk to your partner and put rules in the relationship, so both can know the boundaries. Your second point may be because of how your body does not want to go again and have another traumatic experience, so it blocks you from developing emotions toward your current partner. You can work this out, but it will take time and a mental health proffesional to help you navigate your past trauma (That is what it took for me). Another explanation is that you may be grey, and then if you do not have an emotional bond with the person, you do not develop romantic feelings toward them. For the last points, well I cant help much cuz for me I do not have romantic feelings toward anyone, and I had time to label my types of attraction (I am pansexual so it is a bit easier for me to see someone and say 7/10 aesthetic; 2/10 sensual; etc etc. :3 I see someone and deconstruct the person in my mind and continue doing analysis while speaking to the person until I get satisfied. As an aro, I love to speak about all sort of themes that people have questions. I may not hold all the answers, but thats why we are a community and we can help one another. Here some coffee and a key lime pie made by me (Insert tasty coffee and key lime pie)
  3. Hello there Feather, so glad that you got yourself figured out ^^ and also that your mental health is better. Hope that your life continues being that good or even better ^^. Here (insert tasty key lime pie and coffee)
  4. Ufff mate this is a rather complex question. Ok, I shall try my best to help you. It is good that you are keeping conversation with T, idk how much you share with T, but I will base my assumption that you have a strong connection (since that is how I am seeing it from what you described). You both have boundaries, that is good, but what interests me is how you described your attachment to sex. I am guessing that sex is something you are doing and is kinda important to you because it is your way of compensating. You feel that you have a strong point with sex, and that if you lose that point, then you are scared that T won't stay with you or something bad happens. Let me tell you something, people have lots of strong points ^^, that you are losing one because of meds doesn't take the rest of you. Yes it sucks that some meds basically take your libido and put it 10 km under ground (I have this issue but this is about you so won't speak about my experiences). You can always sit down with T, and say: "Mate, this is not easy for me, but rn I don't think that I can provide you with X, Y, Z, because I am on meds that don't let me provide you with this parts of whatever we are having" Be honest with T, if they want to be with you, it won't be a problem ^^. You talk about boundaries, so you can set up a new one, it can be temporary since maybe the side effects will go away, or maybe they stay. Both cases are fine, and just deal with them one step at a time. Really, if T cares about you, they will understand you, you just have to tell him (cuz thankfully people can't read minds). Ok, this next part is me explaining how side effects of meds impact sexual life. Skip if not needed. If you came as ace and aro to T, that is good and T should understand your position (if not then why being with someone that doesn't put effort into what you both have). I am sure as hell that you are attractive af, and I am sure T can see that too, so not providing for something is totally ok, you can work something out with the cards that life has given you ^^. Hope it could help you
  5. Hello again ^^, it is I the coffee addict. So...I am sorry about you having the horrible experience of finding out your friend was arophobic. Well you are better off without someone like that in your life, friends should not judge, but instead help one another. Now, on to the topic of this thread, if you have a difficulty in speaking to him, you can always write your thoughts on paper and give it to him. (I did this with my friends before and they understood me a lot more cuz I am much better at writing what I want than expressing it on the moment) Now I don't have to do this, but that method helped me before. This way you will have a certain degree of confidence in that you are communicating what you want. Now, I would talk to him about wanting something more than friends, but you have to leave clear what is it that you want. Does it include romantic gestures (i.e. hand holding/ kissing/ cuddling) and to what degree; does sex is allowed (yes/no); dates (to what degree); pet names (for me I don't like them but that is me); (insert any other theme to discuss). This is what I can offer, I can give more, but I think that you know him better and can navigate the situation. Cheers, and break a leg (drama joke ^^)
  6. Hey there, so you identify as aego-romantic/-sexual. That is good, now the beauty of an identity is that it is not explicitly something, and you don't need to fulfill certain characteristics to be able to call yourself something. If you say you are, then you are and no one can say otherwise, because it is your identity. Just wanted to let you know that. Now on the topic, you have to think that attraction is not something that can be defined easily, it has many different elements (here if you want more info about the SAM model which isn't perfect but is a start). So since you have many elements, it is not straightforward, think of it like a soup: You have water, pepper, salt, veggies, maybe meat, etc. And you don't have the same quantity of salt than of water or meat, you need balance in the flavor, and for that you need to have different quantities. But what is more, the flavor compliment each other, the salt influence the meat it gives it some of its components, and so on with others ingredients. The salt blends into the soup, the pepper too, every ingredient is special because it adds up to the final product. Now think of attractions as ingredients, you may have a loooot of sensual attraction, but almost nothing or nothing of sexual attraction, and maybe a hint of aesthetic attraction. If you see it as separate, you see only a part of it, a characteristic, but if you see it as a whole, you will see that your attraction influence one another. Now idk about your life choices, or where you live (it may influence a bit of how you see the world) but I know that you can choose what you want to do with yourself. To answer your question, yes being aromantic can influence who you are attracted, but so can other things. You are aro, but you also are ace, and both play a role in what you want for yourself. You know that you don't want romance, maybe not sex either, but maybe you want someone that has x characteristic (they is dorky, attentive, big muscles?, soft heart, has lore of a certain game you love,...,...) and that characteristic can be fulfilled by this kind of person. Finally, you may not be attracted by a certain gender because of what you think people/family will think, and that is valid because you may fear the judgement of people around you. There is nothing wrong with having doubts, you have all your dear life to discover the whys of yourself ^^ So no rush mate, if you wanna hold hands with x person do so, if you wanna just watch a movie cuddling/no cuddling then go ahead. If you are unsure of what it may feel to do x thing, you can experiment and do it, maybe its for you or maybe not, but guessing what it may feel like will not make you any closer to the answer (just no murder someone please, that is frown upon by society and police may get you and prosecute you and then you won't be here to talk in the forums.) So yeah, long post but if it can help you then yay!
  7. Hello there mate! Glad that you found this site, and being in the closet does not invalidate your identity. I also like to bake ^^ rn I am learning but someday I will make a key lime pie worthy for all my friends. (Till then they shall taste my sweet horrors). And a lil secret ^^ every bachelor's degree has the same ratio of getting you a job. Every degree is worth poop at the eyes of big corporations, you have to continue to masters or doctorate to do something. What's important is that you do something that brings the passion inside of you to the maximum point, and everyone around you have to use sunglasses to admire you :3 Don't let anyone dictate your worth, or your jobs worth, every position is needed in this society to function. Imagine no waiters? Who will take your order? Or no trash collectors? Who will get those trashcans? The ones that unplug the sanitaries? Everyone is needed, and should be payed the minimum to be able to have a decent life without stress of not having enough to pay rent/water/electricity/etc. And that kind of thinking should not be seen as extreme, because a basic life is what everyone deserves at the least.
  8. That's the spirit. There is nothing bad in feeling a little anxious when speaking about something that you are unsure of. I think you got a great friend. And you can take your time in speaking to him, it doesn't have to be like now, but you should speak to him some time o both of you can be on the same page. That is something important, cuz when we don't speak we let things be interpreted and that leads to misunderstandings. (This may not be the case, since I speak of personal experience but just a caution). As long as you are yourself, that is what matters the most. Let your intentions be known, that is not pushing, it is just speaking what you feel/want and that is ok. And you said it yourself, you accept the outcome, whatever it may be ^^. Hope everything goes great ^^
  9. Hey there mate! No need to feel sorry for your english, it is great ^^. Now on the topic of the thread, if both of you identify as arospec that is a good initial step. This is cuz you know your identity to a certain extent, and that is awesome ^^ Though the part that piques my interest is you feeling something for him. This is because there are more than one kind of love. It does not have to be romantic so it is a relationship, you can be in a qpr (queerplatonic relationship) and be happy in it. You are special to him, at least how you describe it it sounded like it. I wouldn't be with someone that I know 4 years if I didn't like that person, so yeah you are already special. What you should ask yourself is if the rules of the relationship where defined by both, that is very important. An example I can give is the arrangement I have with a very very dear friend, they do not like being called by certain titles, and I don't, not even joking cuz that is a boundary, and they know that I do not like to be waken up, because I had some experiences that basically makes that action very bad for me (and I have insomina so any minute of sleep is precious). See? you don't need to be in a relationship to be special. It is the small gestures that makes a moment special (that is what I believe) and I think you are already special to your exbf. Now, you cannot assume what the other person is thinking. That is something I learned the hard way, you have to ask him what he is willing to do and what not, that way both can be on the same page. Do not let chance and misinformation destroy the bond you made with him. I am not saying you both have to go back to being in a relationship, just that I think that if you want to continue being friends, setting things like boundaries and talking will bring to the table the topics that should be spoken. Another important thing you have to be ok with yourself first, then be ok for him. You cannot control the feelings, but you can speak them out mate, tell him how he makes you feel special, tell him the reason. Leave clear your intentions, do you want to keep being friends? cool, but if you want something different you should tell him and see if something can be done from both parts. You don't have to understand his feelings, its theirs, but you have to understand yours if you wanna know a bit about yourself. Self discovery should be the first step, since if you don't know yourself and what you want, you can end up hurting people and yourself too. Don't be sad, it is not your fault not theirs, is just the circumstances that lead toward an ending, be it A, B, C. You cannot control the rivers path, just enjoy the ride and do what you can with it ^^
  10. INTP. I knew it before taking the test, but taking it further proves it. Idk how trustable is an internet test but its fun ^^
  11. ^ I think this is very important for people to understand. That there are people that just...can live without having sex and enjoy life jusst the same way anyone else does. (Bit of a rant here) It is so annoying that people think they are entitled to know parts of my life just cuz they can. It is my life, and I do whatever they (insert bad word) I want with it. It by no means affect your life so shut the (insert bad word) up and leave me alone. If I am having sex, it is my business who I am having it with. If I am not having it, it is still my business. Right now, it has been over a year the last time I had sex, and I haven't died nor I think I am losing anything important in life. (end rant) Like Quim said, it is unimportant to me. Maybe I will have it in the future, but that is up to me and the other part who would be involved to decide. Also I would like to add (this is more of intersection between sexual attraction and meds), for those of us who take meds: antidepressants; anxiolytics; antipsychotics. They do affect how we feel sexual attraction. I do not have a study that correlates them specifically, but from my personal experience I can speak. Getting aroused was easy before being on meds (I could focus on an image and maybe I could start getting in the mood), after I started taking them, my libido is 10km below ground (I had to really put effort in it and the outcome was so little that I just got tired and stopped trying). When changing meds, my cleaning weeks (1-2 week of not taking meds so I can change from one antidepressant to the other) I got my libido back, and then it dropped again 2 days after starting new med. And the combination of meds, is not something pretty but I am fine with it since it keeps me alive. So I guess that what I'm saying is that doctors don't tell you about the secondary effect of basically losing your libido when taking meds, and it may lead on taking life from a different perspective. It is not bad, not having sexual attraction, it just means that we can conquer the world easier :3 (also that we are dragons) Edit: I forgot to mention why it happens. Ok, a bit of anatomy and science. If you have a male body, the penis gets it's erection because of the increased blood flow, so what the meds do here is (not every drug is exactly the same way but the concept is similar) regulate your blood flow and levels of some neurotransmitters (serotonin) and hormones (dopamine). So when you think an image that makes you aroused, your brain see it and treats the rise of blood pressure as something that should not happen so it kinda blocks it, but since it can only block some and not all, you still get an effect, but not the one that originally could have happened. For the female body is basically the same effect, but the blood pressure doesn't play a huge role, what plays the role is that the brain blocks rises of dopamine levels, and this leads to the brain shutting the body of arousal. So yeah, this is a lot more complex but this is somewhat the gist of what is happening
  12. Welcome mate, it is great that you joined in ^^ hope we can help you discover your label. You got some ice cream, so here some coffee (insert tasty coffee)
  13. Ideally, 3 or more persons not sharing the sleeping space. But it is because I have insomnia and basically can't sleep with anyone nearby, cuz I wake up at the slightest of sound/movement nearby. I have tried sleeping in the same bed with someone but it is not a pleasant experience for me since people move a lot when they sleep. Also I have certain rituals that help me sleep and I do not expect someone that wants to sleep with me to do (I need to have a constant sound like a/c or fan all night to damp the sounds of animals at night; I absolutely cannot have sunlight in the bedroom before I wake up or when I wake up it is like I haven't sleep at all; and some other things). Basically I am not an easy person to sleep with and I know about it so I prefer to sleep alone. But if I can share the house with other persons it would be great cuz then more people to hang out, split rent, split food, etc. Also I like the idea of everyone having their own space to hoard their things (like dragons ^^).
  14. Hello there mate! Well starting section by section. I can't say if you have a crush or not cuz I'm not you :3 Only you can say if you have a crush/squish. Now, if they are ok with you being aro and they don't have a problem, that is fantastic mate! cheers for you, really. I understood that they treat romance between them, your gfs, and they accept you as aro and all that it brings with that. Also, props to you on wanting to have the convo about boundaries, that is very important. Your heart beating faster may be because of anxiety (again idk since idk if you suffer from GAD (general anxiety disoreder) or any variant) BUT it may also be because you want the qpr to work and are happy that you found it. Thinking about them and having dreams is normal (at least i see it like that, you describe as aro not a robot nor an unemotional being) so yeah, you want to spend more time with them, that's fine. Something that get me curious is that you feel invalid. Mate, you are as valid as me, and the other person who is nearby. Do not think for one moment that you are not valid, cuz you are here right? that is what matters. Being aro and having gfs is cool, you do not have to experience romance to be in a relationship (look at you for example, here there are qpr of all flavors (pun?)) Do you have a crush? You are the only one to decide that. Affection/thinking about them/wanting to be with them are things that we all do with people we care about. How do you tell? Well alloromo asume that crushes is a strict progression of cause and effect but actually from a non-romo non-lovely viewpoint It's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly crushy poofy stuff :3333 What is attraction? Mate...you find that answer and I personally give you the Peace Novel thingy. Is your heart beating faster bc your nervous about them? Well...your heart is beating to pump that blood through your body ^^ making you stay alive and making you have thoughts!!! so yeah from a non lineal pov, your levels of dopamine get high enough that makes your heart beat faster ^^ And the rest, well it has been answered already :3. Hope it helps you ^^
  15. Not a problem. Glad I could help you mate. And happy thoughts for you and her. Cheers
  16. Hello there mate, Ok starting from the top. I don't know the situation completely since I just have what you told me to go on. Your friend told you without going around that she is in love with you. Not that she thinks she is, but that she is. This means that she wants to spend time with you, and you only, not another friend. Idk if you told her that you don't know your identity yet or what you meant with getting a little carried away(below). Before entering into a relationship with someone that is alloromantic, you have to understand that it is gonna be kinda wacky if you are a-spec. Since that other person is feeling things that you maybe don't feel. Also, what may be obvious or normal for you, may not be for that person. The example is when you said that you wanted to bring a friend. That is ok, but think if she would want that above spending time with you. Maybe she had plans for later, but now it can't be done because of that friend. Now on what I consider is the important part. Under no circumstances should you enter a relationship to just "try it out" before telling that other person that you are not sure what you feeling, that this is new for you, or that you want to try being in a relationship but just want to know how it is. It is very important that the other person knows that you are testing the relationship to understand it. Because if you do not make those warnings, you will hurt the other person. This is a person, not a toy, she is giving her time for you, she is expressing feelings for you. And you told her that you accepted them, that means that she trusts you, and if you betray that trust by not taking it seriously, it is a bad situation. My counsel, as someone that got in a relationship without telling the other person that my feelings where not romantic, is that you sit down with her, tell her that this is new, you have zero idea of what you are doing, you do not know if you are a-spec, meaning that maybe you will not be able to reciprocate her feelings. To not get her hopes up, not until you explore your identity. In my opinion, if you do not know what you are feeling, you will hurt the other person giving them false hopes. Be in a relationship if you are crystal clear with that other(s) person that you are a hot mess (pun??) and that you are discovering yourself. Hope it helps
  17. For me, my pansexuality is far less important than my aromanticism for the same reasons that @nonmerci described. Being pansexual doesn't really impact my life as much as being aro. Having sex is just another activity for me, but who I want to spend more than a day with is far more important. Also, more on the topic, I like to use my label of aromantic because it holds more weight for me than my sexuality. Being aromantic makes me choose more things than being pansexual, like how I speak around people I barely know, cuz then they can think I am flirting, which is annoying.
  18. 1. "It's ok, you are depressed af now, but you don't need to fix someone before you. So get your arse to fix yourself first" 2. "Yes, that boy in summer camp was the first sign that you where aro" 3. "You don't need to fix someone. I repeat, you. do. not. need. to. fix. someone. Mate, you are a mess and that is ok. No need to shame yourself for giving up, you did your max" 4. "That time you cried your heart out of the shower was what you needed at the moment. Trust me, you needed to let it out before it made you kill yourself. So yeah, it is always ok to cry." 5. "No great city was built in one day, it takes work and dedication. So take care of your body, one day at a time" 6. "Look up for aromanticism and pansexual, it will save you years of your time. Also, let go of that squish of middle school. She literally doesn't deserve your time, you know it's not gonna work ever. She is alloromantic and you know that she wants romance, so let go and save yourself the grief."
  19. Ok, hello there mate. I broke the text in parts so you can understand it better, it is a lot of themes so one step at a time. Treating her as another friend is completely fine, you initially thought that she wold be different, and that is fine too. Do not look into the past, yeah it kinda sucks that you vision her as another friend, but you cannot oblige yourself to love romantically someone anymore than you control the future. It is ok, really, own that part of you ^^ that is my counsel. This is very common here, mistaking platonic for romantic. I won't speak for anyone here, but this happened to me too. I thought that what I was feeling was romantic love, but really it was just loneliness and craving for a connection with someone that had romantic feelings for me. To cut it short, we broke off and they where devastated. I blame myself for it, but I can't look in the past, so I accept that I hurted them but I also accept that if I wasn't in that relationship I would not have discovered I was aro, and I would have made both of our lives miserable. So yeah, you thought it was A, but it was B. Mistakes happens, now you know what you are feeling and that is the important thing. ^^ This is what I referred above. You know it is platonic feelings. You can tell her this, this is something that is real, this is knowledge about yourself that at the beginning you did not know. Do not expect to know every answer about yourself from the start. The path of self discovery is what makes us better people. So if you want to break it off, this is something you should mention in the conversation, because it can help her understand a bit more. You did not lie. Do not believe that you lied because you didn't know at the beginning. You love her, just not the same way that she loves you. There are different kinds of love. Amatonormativity tells you that romantic love is above all, but that is not true. Your love to her is just as valid and important and strong as her love to you. If the first part is true, then it is ok. But before you make any decision, my honest advice is for you to speak to her and explain her your feelings. Explain to her from your point of view what you feel, how you feel it and why. Do not end the relationship if you have any kind of love for her, not before explaining to her your side of the story. I think that you are a bit scared because you think you lied to her for years, but your feelings are not a lie. Yeah being single is awesome, and if that is what you want, go ahead and tell her that you don't think it's gonna work anymore the relationship and end it. But maybe you can find a happy medium with her, maybe you she accepts you as you are. Idk your situation, and there are lots of variables, but what is core is that you have to have a deep convo with her. And for that I recommend that you have a lot of patience (and coffee :3). Write every point that you want to discuss with her in a piece of paper so you do not forget, sit her down and just start talking. Take it slow. If by the end, one of you agree that the relationship should end, then that's it. But I don't think ending it without talking to her first should be done. A dear friend told me that giving an explanation about why it's happening (the break off) is the least I can do when ending the relationship, cuz we are all humans at the end of the day, and having an explanation gives peace of mind in the long road, for both (that is what my friend believes). Hope it helps, here some coffee (insert tasty coffee cup )
  20. Hello there Quimey, Glad you are here! In this website, hope you can find comfort and have happy discussions here. :3 Here, an ice cream, hope you like it (insert tasty ice cream)
  21. ^^ yay. Well the anime is pretty new, but if you want the webtoon, it is some years long and i have loved it since the beggining. Yeah Steven Universe is very lovable, Connie and Amethyst are my faves.
  22. Hello there yancy. Starting from the top, I have heard that discourse too, but it has been centered more on the fact that people want us to choose just one label. Personally, I identify as pansexual, aromantic straight from the go to the LGBTQ+, but it is easier for me to explain to someone who is not in the community to say that I am genderqueer. I do this because in my case as aro/pan, people don't think I exist basically. So I see genderqueer as a more general term, and then pansexual and aromantic as more specific ones. People are more likely to believe me if I start as genderqueer, because it is a term that people are more familiar. Now, this doesn't mean that for being aro/pan I am not genderqueer, because it is a label that I like and I want to own it. In short, use as many label as you want, there is nothing wrong with that. If someone doesn't like it then eat them :3 A label is something to use to feel valid, welcome and in peace, people have no say in that, and they shouldn't make you feel less of a woman/genderqueer/lesbian for using more than one label. Hope this can help you ^^.
  23. Yass One Piece, i think I will die before that manga is over. which I am not opposed to since it is great. Haven't watched DuckTales but maybe will give it a try (the reboot). If you are looking for a new anime, i reccomend you Tower of God and ofc Steven Universe ^^
  24. I can see your point here and I can certainly agree if it is used like that. Yeah I like LGBTQ+ for the inclusiveness. It is rarer for me to hear about LGBTQIAPN, but I like it too.
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