hemogoblin

Found it! https://www.tumblr.com/glimblshanks/705075867989262336/i-dont-know-how-much-this-has-actually-been From glimblshanks: I don't know how much this has actually been discussed in online spaces, but when I talk to other aros irl it's pretty widely agreed apon that being aromantic is both an orientation and a political identity. By which I mean that being aromantic requires a massive shift in world view, including the dismantling of amatonormativity, the deconstruction of what the word 'love' even means, and the realization that you have control over what your important relationships look like. All of those things can have a major impact on your political outlooks, social outlooks, and simply the way you view the world. I've said before that even if I did experience romantic attraction some day I would still identify as aro because being aromantic has shifted my view of what relationships even are to such a degree that like... romantic relationships barely make sense as a category to apply to myself anymore. Everyone I know who identified as aro or questioned if they were aro before experiencing attraction and identifying as allo has ended up poly for what I suspect is this exact reason. Polyamory is one of the only relationship models out there currently that allows for romantic relationships outside of the typical amatonormative model and once you've done some work dismantling how society views relationships slotting right back into traditional monogamy doesn't have a lot of appeal. So anyways op, I know a lot of folks in the notes are taking this to simply mean 'not wanting to date' (which is fine, that is still a radical notion in our society that I'm glad the aro community can make space for) but I think your tags are absolutely right about pushing amatonormativity out of our spaces as an aro value that people can (and should!) believe in and benefit from even if they're not aro.

That's up to you. Identity is immensely subjective. It is not a math equation. It is not a diagnosis. There is no calculator you can plug variables into and get a specific answer. There is no test you can take that will accurately determine a label. Labels are just tools of communication. They are always going to be an oversimplification of the complex, intricate reality of your depth of feelings. Does the label aro help you? Does it help you communicate something about how you feel to others? Does it help you feel seen/understood? Does it help you categorize your own feelings to yourself? Does it help you connect to a community of people with similar experiences? Do you want to ID as aro? If you answered yes to any of those, then you should try ID'ing as aro for a while and, a bit down the road, reassess if you want to keep identifying as aromantic or not. Identity is not about finding the objectively correct, most technically accurate term there is. It's about you. What makes you feel best? What do you want? There is no aro authority or council or expert who can bestow the validity of aroness upon you. If you choose to ID as aro, for whatever amount of time long or short, then you're valid. If you only ID'd as aro as an experiment, then you're valid. Nobody gets to claim they know your feelings better than you. Nobody gets to claim ownership over your identity but you. There is no "yes" or "no" answer to your question. Only your own will. I will suggest you look into loveless/heartless and see if you relate to anything there and if anything there helps you better understand yourself. https://mogai.miraheze.org/wiki/Loveless_Aro https://aros-hoard.tumblr.com/post/680014578910953472/heartless-aromantic-a-heartless-aromantic-is-an

Sounds like your answer to me. :) Sounds like you ran into a huge ass asshole. I'm so sorry about that. That's an extremely gross thing to be told. Gatekeeping is disgusting. Fwiw, I'm literally aromantic due to trauma and the bulk of the community has never turned me away, invalidated me, or tried to speak over me. I even run an aro ask blog - as someone openly caedromantic - of which is followed by several other aro resource blogs.

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Wow, y'all flew past 3000. Good job! 3047

I know, a weird title to be posting about on an aro forum, lol. This is a movie about survivors in a monster apocalypse and a young man's journey to find the woman he's been getting close to over the radio. I thought this was a VERY interesting and unexpected take on the whole "pairing up in the apocalypse" trope. Very much enjoyed how it handled the trope and navigating different kinds of love and even some really subtle commentary on relationship hierarchy. Just wondering if any other aros had watched this movie and what you thought.

On a drilling project for the next couple of months with lots of reading time. Super excited to knock out some tbrs! Read Camp Damascus by Chuck Tingle. I was expecting more slasher I guess because I've just been doing a lot of those. It was a lot more psychological horror and just a fantastic deconstruction of Christian homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn't say it was an absolutely enthralling read (I find the emotionally heavy ones difficult to read through without breaks, but I started this one because I hadn't prepared for so much downtime and didn't really have any other options to take a break with), but it's 100% sitting with me and keeping me thinking about it. Very heavy topic matter, though. Definitely needed a palate cleanser after. I do think I'll see about giving his Straight a chance, too. Finished FantasticLand which was AMAZING. If you like mockumentary horror, check it out. Definitely for fans of movies like Hell House, LLC and Lake Mungo. Thoroughly good read. Started Jordan Peele's curated horror anthology book. Only a couple of great stories in, but I knew Peele wouldn't let me down. Some great names in this book. I can tell this one is going to have quite a few stories that also sit with me and percolate for a while. And finally finishing Harrow the Ninth! Should finish it today and then will start Nona next hitch and be all caught up for the release of Alecto! It's been so long since I had time for a big book like this, I had forgotten how good they really are when you can actually just sit down and read them. Finally starting to get some answers so that things are making a tad more sense, lol. I can't wait to see how this wraps up. @_@

Been trying to figure out the best way to word this, and I'm still struggling. But there's no one action or desire that "makes" you anything. Your feelings are your feelings. Your experiences are your experiences. The label you use is A) always going to be an oversimplification of complex human feelings, and B) your choice. Are you drawn to the grayro label? Does it feel useful to you? Do you want to try it out and see if you like it? Then do so! There is no test you can take, no equation you can plug your feelings into, and get the "right" answer. There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer. It's about what is useful to you in the moment. Grayro is just a specific term for "arospec". Anything and everything that doesn't fit neatly into "alloro" that you want to designate beyond "aro". These labels are typically about attraction but certainly don't have to be. If you want to ID as grayro to hint that you might be open to some form of semi/quasi-romantic relationship, that's 100% valid. I stopped colloquially defining it as such for ease, but when needed, I like to expand that aromantic is rare or no romantic attraction, romantic attraction only under very specific conditions, or or no/low interest in a stereotypical romantic relationship. I'll have to see if I can track it down on desktop later, but there's a great post on Tumblr about how aromantic is a personal identity but also a political one (probably true in many aspects for all identities) that feels relevant to share here. tl;dr what "makes" you grayro is identifying as grayro.

#mood It is really nice to have someone who can really understand how you're feeling. I'm sorry you don't have that rn!

It's great that you have an idea of WHAT you want. That's going to be far more useful to you than a label. As for queerplatonic relationships - they are deliberately vague. That's the "queer" part of the label: they are not one thing in particular. They are a queering of society's general, narrow views on relationship binaries. They are what you want them to be. They are neither really platonic nor really romantic. Defining it beyond that is up to you. So, it does sound like qrp would be useful terminology for you. :) Do you want to call it queerplatonic? If yes, then it counts as queerplatonic. Labels aren't like scientific classifications (though we could totally go off on how nothing in nature is simply defined or falls neatly into organized categories!). You get to pick and choose them for your sake of ease. It's totally up to you.

Do you have interest/have you published before or will you wait for a finished product before reaching out to anybody? Will you be directly quoting any responses given? How will folk be credited, if so?

What kind of book? Self or traditionally pubbed? How will the answers be used? What personal/private data does the survey collect from us?

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Unfortunately, that's not actually a break. If you're constantly worried about falling behind, then the stress and anxiety is all still there. You're never relaxing or stepping back from it. It's like laying in bed scrolling on your phone. It's not the same as sleeping just because you're in bed, and you're certainly not gonna get the benefits of sleeping from staring at your phone and engaging with social media. It won't get better until you are able to take an actual break. :( No, you can't gain ADHD like that, but that doesn't mean that a combination of really terrible societal current events CONSTANTLY occurring, having over-access to a flow of bad news, social media and games all functioning like gambling and trying to addict you, and not enough true social connection/interaction isn't doing serious psychological harm to people, especially the younger generations who are being raised on this and never getting a break from it. It also doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. The problem is you're only being taught to only criticize and hate yourself. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a break or being nice to yourself. What would you do if a friend spoke about themselves the way you speak about themselves? You'd be upset and tell them good things about themselves, right? You gotta treat yourself like you would a friend. You're worth that. You're not overreacting by feeling your feelings. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Your feelings are valid.

Lean into it! Let it be weird and awkward! That's kinda the fun of it. :)

How do you feel about just trying to communicate to people about it and asking them directly? It's hard even for allos to read those cues. Communication is honestly the best way to go about things, if the other person is willing to be a bit vulnerable with you. It will help if you're willing to offer some vulnerability first.

I'm not sure if this fits into what you're asking, but I just read a recommendation for Reviving Ophelia, which just got a 25th anniversary update, and that's what popped into mind upon reading your topic. I would say probably a lot of trans literature explores this pretty well, too. Transgender Warriors is one I have on my list because I keep seeing amazing quotes from it. Gender Outlaws (which also has a sequel of sorts) is a fabulous one. Delusions of Gender is fantastic and might kinda fit the bill, too. Maybe if you shared some of the books you're referencing about men, it would help illustrate what you're looking for?

Just by being out and open, honestly.

Glad that worked out!

Feelings don't need a reason to be. He can be angry - but what matters is how he chooses, if at all, to act on that anger. His hurt that you don't feel the same way about him as he does you is valid. Your hurt that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do him is valid. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out perfectly or neatly. Sometimes relationships end. Sometimes people can't work through it, even if it seems like there's an objective solution available (humans are not objective creatures). I'm sorry that unrequited feelings ruined this friendship. That sucks.

It doesn't sound like you've given him false hope at all. A) You've told him exactly where you stand. That couldn't possibly lead him on. B) He could have easily been direct about his wishes. He wasn't - that's on him. It sounds like he's ignoring your boundaries and comforts. Unfortunately, there's a lot of men (and people in general), who decided that "no" means "convince me" instead of actually respecting your words. Amatonormativity tells people that true love just means convincing the person you want that they actually want you back. It sends a lot of toxic messages that people don't do enough work on unlearning. I would send him a message like, "Thanks for your kindness, but it's best we keep our relationship professional from here on out. As such, I'm going to go ahead and block you. I will see you around the store. Best of luck." and then block him so you don't get drawn into any discussion with him.