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hemogoblin

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welp my first response got deleted somehow so I'm rewriting this

lets make this neat

- I have to move from my friends

- our neighbors smoke so much pot were getting high from second degree smoke

- they also love cigarettes and our car smells like them now

- did I mention I get day long migraines from pot smoke

- My parents are transphobic as shit

- I haven't had a will to live in 2 years

- I have attempted before

- I would again

- I want to again

- I have the stuff to again

- Why shouldn't I

- My friends have started lying to me

- 2 of them are self harming

- So am I

- I cant cut my hair bc "ILL GET BULLIED AND KMS"

- haha jokes on you I couldn't cut my hair I cut my skin <3

- my legs look like fucking barcodes

- dad accused me of using ADD as an excuse

- one of my friends didn't tell me his boyfriend killed himself 

- called f slur on the daily

- would rather be dead

- Im ugly as shit

- bullied every day

- video on TikTok released ab me exposing my deadname

- exposed by my bully of 6 years

- nobody cared

- I don't really think it would matter if I died to anyone

- Why am I still alive

- I'm not ok but "im fine :) "

- help

- I have a therapist that I don't actually tell anything

- does not know I self harm

 

UPDATES SOON

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My mother thinks I'm mad at her for forcing me to clean my room.

Haha, no, you stupid piece of shit, im mad at you for ruining my fucking life.

Spoiler

Un-fun fact:

Once I almost tried to amputate my hand but then realized that would spark a very interesting conversation with my parents.

Oh the joys of being alive. /s

 

Edited by P4R4D0X
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7 hours ago, Cavetowns_fkin_awesome said:

welp my first response got deleted somehow so I'm rewriting this

lets make this neat

- I have to move from my friends

- our neighbors smoke so much pot were getting high from second degree smoke

- they also love cigarettes and our car smells like them now

- did I mention I get day long migraines from pot smoke

- My parents are transphobic as shit

- I haven't had a will to live in 2 years

- I have attempted before

- I would again

- I want to again

- I have the stuff to again

- Why shouldn't I

- My friends have started lying to me

- 2 of them are self harming

- So am I

- I cant cut my hair bc "ILL GET BULLIED AND KMS"

- haha jokes on you I couldn't cut my hair I cut my skin <3

- my legs look like fucking barcodes

- dad accused me of using ADD as an excuse

- one of my friends didn't tell me his boyfriend killed himself 

- called f slur on the daily

- would rather be dead

- Im ugly as shit

- bullied every day

- video on TikTok released ab me exposing my deadname

- exposed by my bully of 6 years

- nobody cared

- I don't really think it would matter if I died to anyone

- Why am I still alive

- I'm not ok but "im fine :) "

- help

- I have a therapist that I don't actually tell anything

- does not know I self harm

 

UPDATES SOON

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know there's probably nothing that I (a random internet person) can say to you that will sound meaningful, but please don't kill yourself. I think it would matter to a lot more people than you realise (I know for a fact that it would matter a lot to the folks on here, you seem like a good person. While I don't know you in real life, I have really enjoyed our brief encounters). 

I think that trying to open up to your therapist is a good idea. Talking to someone about this might take the load off a little, or at least provide a safe space for you. 

Again, I'm really sorry you had to go though that stuff, it's so messed up. If you ever need to talk then feel free to shoot me a message.

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Sometimes my irl friends like to vent to me because as a general, I don't verbally judge people. Sometimes I get this feeling that's like "Man, she/he is lucky that they have so many things going for them." And I know I shouldn't feel this way but for whatever reason, I just do. And then there is this thing about giving advice to them. Sometimes when I give people advice they take it as an insult. ("Sometimes you just can't change the situat-" "NOT HELPING!") I see adults give advice like that, so why can't i? Is it because I'm "just 12 and couldn't possibly be mature enough to think that deeply"? Probably. Or maybe its that the people I give advice to are also "innocent 12yos". (Ahh, so the first thing a substitute teacher hears when they come in is "SHES RAPING ME!!!" [sadly, that's a true story of my homeroom class] and we're still innocent? wow. the power of the human brain never ceases to surprise me.) 

So basically what society is telling me is that I need to act more like a person my age and stop having prior knowledge and life experiences.

There are things, that people will only understand when they experience it. The problem is, the first 1 & 1/5 decades of ones life is not the best time to gain valuable life experiences, even if some of us already know what its like being almost completely self-dependent. The few of us that already know so much of the stuff they tell us about being adults make up a negligible percentage of the population, and often go under the radar. There's a 5th grader down the street that you could trust your car with (albeit illegal for her to drive on a road, that's called underage driving, she can drive nonetheless)

And then some of us are being forced into academic "success" (burnout. we are being forced to use all of our energy too soon. academic burnout.) Yeah, of course 4th grade is an amazing time for you to make your daughter listen to a talk about the Pythagorean theorem and how to prove it. Of course your 5th grader wants to know how LLMs and machine learning work. Of course 6th grade is the time to start learning trigonometry. A friend of MI e didn't make it into algebra 1, and you know what her father did? He bought her a textbook and said: finish this by the start of 7th grade.

 

It's kinda nice to know that, however negligible the amount of people that can at least partially relate to whatever is happening, its never quite 0.

 

Have a nice day, thank you for reading, and don't attempt to drown yourself like 5yo me tried to that one time.

(i know I made a typo somewhere in there)

Edited by P4R4D0X
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12 hours ago, allhailtheglowcloud said:

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know there's probably nothing that I (a random internet person) can say to you that will sound meaningful, but please don't kill yourself. I think it would matter to a lot more people than you realise (I know for a fact that it would matter a lot to the folks on here, you seem like a good person. While I don't know you in real life, I have really enjoyed our brief encounters). 

I think that trying to open up to your therapist is a good idea. Talking to someone about this might take the load off a little, or at least provide a safe space for you. 

Again, I'm really sorry you had to go though that stuff, it's so messed up. If you ever need to talk then feel free to shoot me a message.

I appreciate it, it's just hard to keep going when home doesn't even feel like home anymore :/

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20 hours ago, P4R4D0X said:

Sometimes my irl friends like to vent to me because as a general, I don't verbally judge people. Sometimes I get this feeling that's like "Man, she/he is lucky that they have so many things going for them." And I know I shouldn't feel this way but for whatever reason, I just do. And then there is this thing about giving advice to them. Sometimes when I give people advice they take it as an insult. ("Sometimes you just can't change the situat-" "NOT HELPING!") I see adults give advice like that, so why can't i? Is it because I'm "just 12 and couldn't possibly be mature enough to think that deeply"? Probably. Or maybe its that the people I give advice to are also "innocent 12yos". (Ahh, so the first thing a substitute teacher hears when they come in is "SHES RAPING ME!!!" [sadly, that's a true story of my homeroom class] and we're still innocent? wow. the power of the human brain never ceases to surprise me.) 

So basically what society is telling me is that I need to act more like a person my age and stop having prior knowledge and life experiences.

There are things, that people will only understand when they experience it. The problem is, the first 1 & 1/5 decades of ones life is not the best time to gain valuable life experiences, even if some of us already know what its like being almost completely self-dependent. The few of us that already know so much of the stuff they tell us about being adults make up a negligible percentage of the population, and often go under the radar. There's a 5th grader down the street that you could trust your car with (albeit illegal for her to drive on a road, that's called underage driving, she can drive nonetheless)

And then some of us are being forced into academic "success" (burnout. we are being forced to use all of our energy too soon. academic burnout.) Yeah, of course 4th grade is an amazing time for you to make your daughter listen to a talk about the Pythagorean theorem and how to prove it. Of course your 5th grader wants to know how LLMs and machine learning work. Of course 6th grade is the time to start learning trigonometry. A friend of MI e didn't make it into algebra 1, and you know what her father did? He bought her a textbook and said: finish this by the start of 7th grade.

 

It's kinda nice to know that, however negligible the amount of people that can at least partially relate to whatever is happening, its never quite 0.

 

Have a nice day, thank you for reading, and don't attempt to drown yourself like 5yo me tried to that one time.

(i know I made a typo somewhere in there)

Holy shit man, I'm sorry you're going through that, Hey if you ever need to chat, I'm here <3

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Posted (edited)

I think bad parenting is just a common thing in my area.💀

The 5th grader down the street was screaming at her parents not to kill her

The girl who's father made her do the math book

A different girl across the street's parents like swearing

One of my friends is retaking a test because he only got just above the passing score

Some guy's father went to get the milk-- in Florida

 

And hehe, A lot of us have problems.

Remember I told you about the person who shouted "SHES RAPING ME!"? That's a common occurrence...

(some kid tried to rape a traffic cone, and almost no one cared, that should give you an idea of Ohio life)

Edited by P4R4D0X
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i don't know if the people around me are still alive out of spite, or if they genuinely want to live

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FUCK THIS IS A HAPPY VENT

 

omg fuck so a year ago my band (and i ) went to a really prestigious music thing at the most expensive/fanciest hotel in my state, if not the country (lmao) aaaa fuck anyways today we pulled out the old music and just played it,, everybody was close to crying it was amazing like oh shit I’ve never felt emotions like this,, omg 😭 😭 fuck fuck im so happy and reminiscent oh shit so many happy emotions 

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Posted (edited)

The feeling of playing old music that means someing to you...

Yes.

Edited by P4R4D0X
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Posted (edited)

Some things I don't like, but I also find funny:

The 5th graders casually kicking our asses in the school fundraiser:

IMG_20240511_165430_kindlephoto-30767022.jpg.09536362126d75dc97da0c94fd312bbd.jpgIMG_20240511_165419_kindlephoto-30830999.jpg.565df657e29db19a624e6939ea0e9cd7.jpg 

Hahahaaahhahahaahahahh

 

I was stupid and bored enough to accept @organs and bone's 'challenge' on teen corner and @ as many people as possible. I'm on @darlingmoon_.

 

Bad Google translations.

 

The fact that that doesn't exist as far as I know:tumblr_fad09fb43738f23f550077fbecc018f6_411925e5_1280_kindlephoto-32091123.jpg.a58874ae6405faa76555effb538c2dcf.jpg

 

Screenshot_20240511-173730.png.db3c5c79a8a39cc5a94474af5380fd6c.png

I really don't want this to get worse, but then again, its predicted that college tuitions will be like $130,428 a year by the time I graduated.

Edited by P4R4D0X
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

My brother be screaming his ass off at 3 am... again!

 

(I'm at my grandparents house and I hate everyone here for reasons. Woohoo!)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been forced to walk 3 miles to a place I never wanted to go just because my brother wants to go. I'm old enough to be left alone (and finally catch up on Apocalypse after not having Internet for weeks).

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  • 2 weeks later...

So now I'm 'very difficult to deal with' because I'm not hungry.

 

What is there not to understand? I'm not hungry.

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The Japanese beetles are back. They are on every plant. They are on the sidewalks. They are all over the neighbourhood. Some kind of hard-shell bug smacked into my face today, and I'm pretty sure it was one of them.

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On 4/29/2024 at 10:47 PM, Cavetowns_fkin_awesome said:

welp my first response got deleted somehow so I'm rewriting this

lets make this neat

- I have to move from my friends

- our neighbors smoke so much pot were getting high from second degree smoke

- they also love cigarettes and our car smells like them now

- did I mention I get day long migraines from pot smoke

- My parents are transphobic as shit

- I haven't had a will to live in 2 years

- I have attempted before

- I would again

- I want to again

- I have the stuff to again

- Why shouldn't I

- My friends have started lying to me

- 2 of them are self harming

- So am I

- I cant cut my hair bc "ILL GET BULLIED AND KMS"

- haha jokes on you I couldn't cut my hair I cut my skin <3

- my legs look like fucking barcodes

- dad accused me of using ADD as an excuse

- one of my friends didn't tell me his boyfriend killed himself 

- called f slur on the daily

- would rather be dead

- Im ugly as shit

- bullied every day

- video on TikTok released ab me exposing my deadname

- exposed by my bully of 6 years

- nobody cared

- I don't really think it would matter if I died to anyone

- Why am I still alive

- I'm not ok but "im fine :) "

- help

- I have a therapist that I don't actually tell anything

- does not know I self harm

 

UPDATES SOON

Wow I identify so much with that pls don’t die although you have been absent lately. Pls we need u. Just countdown days till you move out.

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One of my friends now hates me because I effinn cried aboot my best friend (Priya)who is my unofficial therapist because the one I have is homophobic as shit. But anyways we live on two separate continents. So the weird friend also doesn’t acknowledge that I’m aroace so I get shipped with my best friend (on my continent) who was AMAB (let’s call max)and I was AFAB. But hopefully the evil one(let’s say Brittney) is moving away to Slovenia soon and i won’t have to deal with her. 

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Posted (edited)

I haven't seen so many of my friends in so long...

4 in Italy,

5 in China,

7 scattered around the U.S.,

13 (at least) who I don't know where they've gone,

3 who have graduated highschool and are attending college,

1 I've confirmed as dead,

4 I suspect of being dead.

 

RIP Sophia.

Edited by P4R4D0X
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