Am I aro or just globally emotionless ?

[Dobby]

Heyy

So basically, I started to think I was aro about 3 years ago (when I was 19-20 years old), when I noticed that during all my life, I never was attracted to anyone, never had a crush etc, and that the fact I was forever single was not due to people not loving me, but also, and probably mostly, due to me not loving people. Since then, I have managed to be okay with this idea, even if it was hard at first to accept it (even if it's relieving to put a word on the idea).

Anyway, recently I started to doubt that I was even aro, because sometimes it feels like it's maybe more of an issue I have with emotions in general. Like I don't really feel anything, I don't actually feel love towards my family and friends (I just "know" I love them because it's nice when I'm with them), I don't miss anyone when they're away even for a long period of time, I don't feel happiness in moments that could be happy moments, etc. And I used to think it was the same way for everyone but apparently not, idk. The only things I feel for sure are physical things (like warmth/cold, pain and stuff), and also loneliness often (which might be the only emotion I actually feel, that crushes my chest way too often). 

So I don't really know if that's "normal" or at least if I'm not the only one in that situation. And I don't know if my inability to feel anything romance-related is due to my general inability to feel emotions, or is it different ?

I'm quite lost, and tbh most of the time I feel that I'm not suitable for this world.

Well that's all, I would love to hear any opinion, advice, experience from you guys, thank youuuuu<3

[CanadianBird]

I've said it before but while I was still trying to figure out whether I was aromantic or not I had a hard time separating it from general apathy (which I have a lot of XD). Sometimes apathy will affect one's attraction toward others, but other times it could be completely unrelated. I think it's great to remember that some aros are loveless, and don't feel much platonic attraction either. While being aromantic means that you can have QPR if you want, that doesn't mean that you absolutely have to have one. Not all aromantics feel strong connections to people. Additionally they may not feel much of a strong connection to anything, but specifically when talking about romance they've decided to use the label.

Something could also cause you to be aromantic, which could be being emotionless like you're talking about. Maybe the two are related??

I'd say that maybe don't exile yourself to a (metaphorical) island where you'll be alone forever. There is no strict rule book on who can and who can't have a QPR. The question is, ignoring labels, do you want one? People who feel little emotion can still have a QPP if they want one and/or it works for them :)

I don't think I explained this very well but hopefully it helps a little 😅

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Does the difference matter?

[Dobby]

19 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Does the difference matter?

Well I don't know, probably not that much I guess... I have to think about it a bit.

But at the same time I feel like it might matter, idk ? Like if I'm aro, I can still have some hope, to one day have a really close platonic relationship with someone, or something like that. While if I just don't feel anything, I should give away that hope as soon as I can to prevent myself from hurting in the future, when I discover what it is really. 

But in anyway, if I know or not, it's not going to change a lot of things I guess. 

(Thank you for your reply !!) 

[Dobby]

6 hours ago, cerimonials said:

I've said it before but while I was still trying to figure out whether I was aromantic or not I had a hard time separating it from general apathy (which I have a lot of XD). Sometimes apathy will affect one's attraction toward others, but other times it could be completely unrelated. I think it's great to remember that some aros are loveless, and don't feel much platonic attraction either. While being aromantic means that you can have QPR if you want, that doesn't mean that you absolutely have to have one. Not all aromantics feel strong connections to people. Additionally they may not feel much of a strong connection to anything, but specifically when talking about romance they've decided to use the label.

Something could also cause you to be aromantic, which could be being emotionless like you're talking about. Maybe the two are related??

I'd say that maybe don't exile yourself to a (metaphorical) island where you'll be alone forever. There is no strict rule book on who can and who can't have a QPR. The question is, ignoring labels, do you want one? People who feel little emotion can still have a QPP if they want one and/or it works for them :)

I don't think I explained this very well but hopefully it helps a little 😅

Thank you for your reply :)

Yes you explained it well, at least i think i understand a bit better now. And i think you're right, nobody have to have a strong attraction (wether romantic or platonic), and it's reassuring to know that it's not an obligation. But at the same time, sometimes i feel like i might need it, even if it seems like i can't experience it. To be honest i don't know. But in anyway, i will try not to trap myself in a box like you said, and we will see i guess. 

You mentionned that you were kinda emotionless, may i ask you a question then ? I wondered, do you know if "that's the way it is" and there's nothing that can make someone not being apathetic anymore, or can it change ? Like i know it's not like a disease or a medical condition that can be "cured", and i'm really sorry if my question is harmfull for you. But the perpective of being as i am now for the rest of my life makes me quite anxious about the future. Sometimes i wonder if i even want a future in that conditions. Aromantism is fine for me i guess, but feeling barely anything is for me a really heavy thing to bare everyday. That's why until now i clung to the hope that i will one day change and feel less empty, because otherwise, it seems meaningless to me (at least for now).

Anyway, thank you for your time and reply, that's really kind of you <3

[nonmerci]

What you describe about your friends could be aplatonicism (like aromanticism but for friendship). I'm aplatonic myself and I don't see it as a problem if I ddon't form a super closed platonic relationship that would replace romance. Being unpartnered doesn't mean that you are alone or doomed to be unhappy.

For the rest, I don't know, it may be worth exploring with a professional why you are detached from your emotions of you don't like that. Just know that it doesn't make you less aro, and be sure to call out anyone who pretends it does.

[Holmbo]

Lack of emotions in general could be due to psychological or physical causes. Have you seen a therapist or doctor about it?

Meanwhile you could try some mindfulness exercises and see if those make you connect more to your emotions.

[Dobby]

Thank you all for for your replies ! It's very kind that you took the time to answer and to give helpful elements <3

About seeking professional help, yes i've been thinking about it for a while and i might try it soon. I initially considered seen one for other issues unrelated to the emotionless thing, but if it might help for that too it could be cool

Thank you again everyone, it's so nice being able to talk about that with people, instead of talking in my own head until 3 am XD

[illumi]

holy shit i relate to this sm. i also struggle to exp emotions and the only 1s ik i feel r rage; sorrow and other neg emotions. pos emotions such as happiness excitement etc r rarely felt. ik im capable of feeling these things when im young but somehow i no longer understand how to describe them in order for my feelings to count as a certain emotion

its hard to describe but im def some level of emotionless. my orientation got nothing to do w it tho. so ive just been chilling

[CanadianBird]

6 hours ago, Dobby said:

Thank you for your reply :)

Yes you explained it well, at least i think i understand a bit better now. And i think you're right, nobody have to have a strong attraction (wether romantic or platonic), and it's reassuring to know that it's not an obligation. But at the same time, sometimes i feel like i might need it, even if it seems like i can't experience it. To be honest i don't know. But in anyway, i will try not to trap myself in a box like you said, and we will see i guess. 

You mentionned that you were kinda emotionless, may i ask you a question then ? I wondered, do you know if "that's the way it is" and there's nothing that can make someone not being apathetic anymore, or can it change ? Like i know it's not like a disease or a medical condition that can be "cured", and i'm really sorry if my question is harmfull for you. But the perpective of being as i am now for the rest of my life makes me quite anxious about the future. Sometimes i wonder if i even want a future in that conditions. Aromantism is fine for me i guess, but feeling barely anything is for me a really heavy thing to bare everyday. That's why until now i clung to the hope that i will one day change and feel less empty, because otherwise, it seems meaningless to me (at least for now).

Anyway, thank you for your time and reply, that's really kind of you <3

Hey it's no problem at all :)

It can definitely change. As we grow and change so will our emotions and viewpoints. Maybe at this moment in time you're feeling really down, and just a little hopeless. I would encourage you to find something that makes you happy, content, or a little less lonely. Then when you're at you absolute fullest and feel "complete" ask yourself if you truly want a partner as a way to know for sure. This is something that really helped me a TON, because my mental health was constantly interfering with my emotions towards others. When I found a break in the storm, I took the chance to find my answer. But even now I'm not totally sure. I don't think I want a partner but at the same time I could want a partner so I try to keep an open mind.

Can apathy be cured? Sure, but I've found maybe it doesn't need to be. Sometimes it's extinguishing to care about everything all the time, but just because you don't care about some things, no matter no significant does not mean that there's something wrong. It's OK to not  Understanding that, if you want to care then I'm sure there is some process, baby steps probably but I'm not an expert so I'll try not to mislead you haha. Just remember that if you want to care, and caring makes you feel better, then go for it. If not, then don't feel like some thing is wrong with you. At the end of the day what everyone does doesn't really matter as long as you're happy.

Sometimes having a partner can make someone feel better and at peace, but please know that it doesn't work for everyone!! For example, it doesn't work for me. But trust me when I say that you actually don't need one to feel happy. I know it sounds cliche but it's so so true. If you want to feel better/different then you absolutely can. If you want them to, things will change for you. Partners work as a solution for a lot of people, but my advice is just find whatever works for you. What makes you feel less empty? What would you be content with doing for the foreseeable future? And it can change! It could be more than one thing. Mix and match until you find the formula that works the best for you. And hey, maybe one day you do want a partner and it makes you feel happy. That's okay! As long as you truly enjoy the experience and give you joy.

ALSO I hate to add more to this but apathy could be caused by depression. I don't want to overstep or offend you in any way but if that's the case then I found this source that offers an idea of where to start if that's the case for you :) https://www.healthline.com/health/apathy#treatment

aaa okay it's about it but lemme know if I can help in any other way!!

 

 

[Dobby]

16 hours ago, cerimonials said:

Hey it's no problem at all :)

It can definitely change. As we grow and change so will our emotions and viewpoints. Maybe at this moment in time you're feeling really down, and just a little hopeless. I would encourage you to find something that makes you happy, content, or a little less lonely. Then when you're at you absolute fullest and feel "complete" ask yourself if you truly want a partner as a way to know for sure. This is something that really helped me a TON, because my mental health was constantly interfering with my emotions towards others. When I found a break in the storm, I took the chance to find my answer. But even now I'm not totally sure. I don't think I want a partner but at the same time I could want a partner so I try to keep an open mind.

Can apathy be cured? Sure, but I've found maybe it doesn't need to be. Sometimes it's extinguishing to care about everything all the time, but just because you don't care about some things, no matter no significant does not mean that there's something wrong. It's OK to not  Understanding that, if you want to care then I'm sure there is some process, baby steps probably but I'm not an expert so I'll try not to mislead you haha. Just remember that if you want to care, and caring makes you feel better, then go for it. If not, then don't feel like some thing is wrong with you. At the end of the day what everyone does doesn't really matter as long as you're happy.

Sometimes having a partner can make someone feel better and at peace, but please know that it doesn't work for everyone!! For example, it doesn't work for me. But trust me when I say that you actually don't need one to feel happy. I know it sounds cliche but it's so so true. If you want to feel better/different then you absolutely can. If you want them to, things will change for you. Partners work as a solution for a lot of people, but my advice is just find whatever works for you. What makes you feel less empty? What would you be content with doing for the foreseeable future? And it can change! It could be more than one thing. Mix and match until you find the formula that works the best for you. And hey, maybe one day you do want a partner and it makes you feel happy. That's okay! As long as you truly enjoy the experience and give you joy.

ALSO I hate to add more to this but apathy could be caused by depression. I don't want to overstep or offend you in any way but if that's the case then I found this source that offers an idea of where to start if that's the case for you :) https://www.healthline.com/health/apathy#treatment

aaa okay it's about it but lemme know if I can help in any other way!!

Thank you so much for this. You said a lot of things that made me feel a bit better. Sometimes i feel trapped in where i am now, but you're right, things can change. And even if they don't, i might be okay.

I always try to be the best version of myself, but i tend to refer to the world i live in and the people around me to figure out this version, and it doesn't work, possibly because i don't want/need what the world want for me. But you're probably right, i should probably figure out what is the best version of me for myself. I started to realise that a few weeks ago, when a friend distanced herself from me a bit, it made me understand that people will come and go (even the friends i thought would stick around forever), and i'm the only one that will be with myself till the end. So you're right about that to i think, the happiness i'm trying to find should be mine. 

About apathy and depression, thank you for the ressources ! And it's not offensive at all, don't worry. I read something about that somewhere. I don't want to self diagnose or anything, but i already suspected that i wasn't at my best for the last 2 or so years, mentally speaking. But as far as i can remember, i've always been sort of emotionless (but that also could be not exacly true because there's never any "emotion" or memorie of emotions in my memories, only images and sound somehow haha, so my understanding of how i was in the past might be biased). Anywayyy. I will probably start some therapy in the following months, and we will see what can get out of it. 

Thank you again for the help !! I'm really grateful. And thank you everyooone for the time, replies and help <3 <3

 

[MaxIsCosmic]

I think it might be a situation where two things can be true at the same time, while you may struggle with issues around feeling emotions you can still be Aramaic. And perhaps those two things are related and perhaps they are not. As jot-aro-kujo said sometimes it doesn’t matter, from what I know being aromatic just means no feelings of romantic attraction, wether that is caused by something or just exist on its own still results in the possible label of being aromatic.

[alto]

I can be kind of emotionless too.  Psych meds + autism does a pretty good job at flattening me out.  However, I generally find I have enough emotion to make life difficult interesting.  I used to worry a lot about my apathy, like you, and wondered whether it was due to some kind of trauma.  However, after a while, I just got on with things I guess.  Not saying that's what you should do.  But that's what happened with me.

I find socializing a lot helps (if you are into that).  Listening to music helps too.  So does making music, writing, and making art.  Those things all help me feel more, I think.  Might work for you, might not.

Edited June 30, 2023 by alto

[Dobby]

4 hours ago, alto said:

I can be kind of emotionless too.  Psych meds + autism does a pretty good job at flattening me out.  However, I generally find I have enough emotion to make life difficult interesting.  I used to worry a lot about my apathy, like you, and wondered whether it was due to some kind of trauma.  However, after a while, I just got on with things I guess.  Not saying that's what you should do.  But that's what happened with me.

I find socializing a lot helps (if you are into that).  Listening to music helps too.  So does making music, writing, and making art.  Those things all help me feel more, I think.  Might work for you, might not.

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to hear you're kind of ok with it now. And it's nice to know that being worried about that is not necessarily permanent.

Yeah, music does help (i cried for 2 hours when i went to my favourite singer's concert some months ago, but like happy tears, from comfort and feeling understood or something along those lines), and making art also ! I draw/paint sometimes, and i generally feel at peace, so that's quite nice. 

Anyway, thank you very much for you help, i wish you the best <3

[cynthia]

Oh, I relate to this a lot. I kind of describe my feelings towards my friends and family as "passive love". I don't actively "love" them all the time but I do care about them and I do like spending time with them. I have the same thing of not really missing people when they're not around but never associated it with my lack of emotions I guess. It's hard to wrap your head around feelings you rarely feel and notice them when they're missing.

I also find myself disliking affection when it comes from friends and family, words of affection irk me sometimes but I'm not sure if that's my aromanticism bleeding into other types of relationships or if I just dislike love overall.

Edited July 17, 2023 by cynthia