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hangryeowyn

Wanting a Romantic Relationship for the Perks?

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Not sure if this is the right place for this question, but I've noticed across a lot of different threads (mostly in the Platonic Marriage and Internalized Arophonia threads, but also in several others) that some of you (myself included) previously wanted/thought you wanted romantic relationships with a romantic partner for certain perks. Some said legal reasons, which makes a lot of sense, but some others said things to the effect of you want to have someone who will make time for you and you wouldn't be a burden from your "lower" spot in the relationship hierarchy. I totally get this. Disregarding the abstract romantic feelings aspect, there's a lot of appealing things about romantic relationships that are frustratingly unattainable.

 

I mentioned this once before in a post, but recently I was told that the reason one of my former friends left me was because I apparently smothered her. This really got to me, because when I feel things, I feel them very strongly or not at all. So when I love my friends, I really really love them. This, as I've come to realize, is not acceptable in most friendships. I don't know how to be lowkey about how much I love my friends, even if they don't love me back. Therefore, the idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone more or less guarantees that A) they want me, B) my company is not secondary or a burden, and C) they want me to show affection. For a long time, I understood romantic attraction and relationships as kind of like Fate is saying "okay here you go, this one is yours" as opposed to friends, whose connections to each other are often comparatively tenuous.

 

Another perk I envy is the comfortable way romantic partners can do activities without it being weird or questioned. Couple-coded stuff you see in those aesthetic posts you see on tumblr and instagram, y'know? Long walks, fancy couples dinners, couples vacations, cuddling under a blanket watching a Chopped marathon, living together and supporting each other into old age, etc.

 

Finally, weddings. I know a lot of you will disagree, but I love the idea of having a wedding. I don't necessarily care about the symbolic aspects of marriage as a concept, I just love the party and gift aspect. I've been fantasizing about my dream wedding since I was old enough to know what a wedding was. Putting on a nice dress, getting did up, eating a lot of great food, hanging out with my friends and family, my friends and family being obligated to give me gifts, me being the center of attention without being seen as self-centered? Sign me up! Naturally I was crushed when I learned only couples are allowed to do this. And I was even more confused when I learned that when you marry more than once your second wedding is supposed to be lowkey, or even better, a courthouse wedding (Baptists don't like divorce, you see-but divorce AND remarriage is super scandalous).

 

I understand that these are "perks" that you can technically do with a QPP or close friend, but it's not exactly the same. Sometimes it's tempting to pretend so I can have someone to do couple stuff with. What are some "perks" of romantic relationships you guys wish you could experience?

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49 minutes ago, hangryeowyn said:

Finally, weddings. I know a lot of you will disagree, but I love the idea of having a wedding. I don't necessarily care about the symbolic aspects of marriage as a concept, I just love the party and gift aspect. I've been fantasizing about my dream wedding since I was old enough to know what a wedding was. Putting on a nice dress, getting did up, eating a lot of great food, hanging out with my friends and family, my friends and family being obligated to give me gifts, me being the center of attention without being seen as self-centered? Sign me up! Naturally I was crushed when I learned only couples are allowed to do this.

I also really enjoy weddings and would kind of like to have one (can I have a wedding but not get married please? :P). It's also much easier to find a child-raising partner through romantic relationships.

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I've actually gotten into a romantic relationships exactly so I could get perks, mainly for the sensual aspect because I'm a very sensual person but I couldn't just kiss my friends or cuddle with them, so I just got into a romo relationship which ended after 2 months because the guy couldn't handle the fact that I was aro.

 

I'm not saying I'll never to it again, but... next time I'll just tell them I'm aro a lot sooner to avoid such situations where I feel bad because I'm hiding such a big thing from someone I'm supposed to trust completely.

 

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I'm pretty sure I've only ended up in romantic relationships because that's what you did with the guys you had sex with. xP

So, that has been a perk to me. I know I've stuck around in relationships that made me uncomfortable because the sex was decent.

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On 24/07/2016 at 5:48 PM, Sooty Owl said:

I've actually gotten into a romantic relationships exactly so I could get perks, mainly for the sensual aspect because I'm a very sensual person but I couldn't just kiss my friends or cuddle with them, so I just got into a romo relationship which ended after 2 months because the guy couldn't handle the fact that I was aro.

 

Tried this too and found it rather counterproductive.
It's incredibly stressful for me to even try to get into that sort of relationship. Even if I was "sucessfull" there's all the alien rules and roles required. Never managed as long as 2 months and a few times was enough to convince me that this sort of thing wasn't for me. A relatively small amount of affection (from only one person) just wasn't worth the "cost".

What I've always actually wanted were (queer platonic) friends I could be affectionate with. Which seems even more impossible now than when I was a teenager.
I'm also a very sensual person, but have no interest in anything to do with romance. Were "casual cuddling" a thing I'd probably be interested. Though my preference would be people I care about, some of whom I might also be sexually attracted to...

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On 09/07/2016 at 6:13 AM, hangryeowyn said:

Another perk I envy is the comfortable way romantic partners can do activities without it being weird or questioned. Couple-coded stuff you see in those aesthetic posts you see on tumblr and instagram, y'know? Long walks, fancy couples dinners, couples vacations, cuddling under a blanket watching a Chopped marathon, living together and supporting each other into old age, etc.

Some of these I'd be interested in doing, such as the walks and cuddling. (Not sure why two people should be an ideal party size for a walk.) Things like living together I have no interest in.
However it would need to be on a rather un-coupled basis. Preferably one where my "partners" also had other "partners"...

 

On 09/07/2016 at 6:13 AM, hangryeowyn said:

I understand that these are "perks" that you can technically do with a QPP or close friend, but it's not exactly the same. Sometimes it's tempting to pretend so I can have someone to do couple stuff with. What are some "perks" of romantic relationships you guys wish you could experience?

 

From my POV it more comes down to it being very hard to find even one QP/FWB/etc type relationships. Very few alloromantics (with the possible exception of those identifying as "relationship anarchists") appear to understand the concept.
Even the "perks" I might actually want I couldn't get from a romantic relationship. Since I'd be so stressed coping with something I find alien (and in some ways repulsive).

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yeah I overfocus on my friends for sure. I am almost romantic towards them, and yet when I had romantic relationships I was too much of a friend for them. but to me it is clear that a friend is a friend and a partner is a partner, yet my behavior is the same... because at the bottom line they are people and i love people all the same... idk... 

 

 

 

 

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