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As an Alloromantic I envy Aromantics [and my gripes with romanctic relationships]


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It sounds so freeing to not think about people in a romantic way. I hate how getting a crush consumes my whole mind, my every thought. I want to treat someone differently just because I "like them." I think it turns me into a manipulator when I don't want to be. But then I wouldn't go do the same for my friends just because? I push friends to the wayside inadvertently if someone else is on my mind 24/7. Then I feel terribly lonely if I can't be with this person who's my "crush".

Despite this it's always bothered me how when someone will get into a relationship it seems that you often abandon your friends. I asked my brother once (he has a girlfriend) about people in relationships spending less time with friends and he was of the mindset "it's complicated/difficult." I don't think it's ok that we should push others aside.

I think friendship is the most beautiful thing because they seem like they outlast any romantic relationship and are there for you (the good ones at least) without demanding loyalty. You don't need to recite vows at a wedding to show commitment. 

Also why do we show more loyalty to romantic partners who we've known for way less time than friends? Perhaps I'm a cynic (no I am one!) but I look at marriages of family members and I'm like it's crazy you don't seem happy... ...my mum and dad have so many differences and there are complaints (but to be fair I haven't helped sometimes I stick my nose in where it's not my business), my aunt is getting divorced and I feel like deep down people hate each other?

Then there's the whole thig with affairs... ...I feel like if you commit to a relationship you are always in fear of getting close with others, you worry if you step across that line and aren't being loyal to a partner. Relationships seem so possessive and I'd feel trapped if I had to commit to one person.

Edited by Cavaajia
adding sentence.
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You might be Acriromantic! See also: Orchidromantic and Anromantic.

 

Finding something else to be obsessed over (a fandom, etc.) other than the crush might help distract yourself from the attraction. Even a small and random obsession like mud-related superpowers (ah yes, what I'm obsessed with) can be easily picked up. Find an obsession and DISTRACT YOURSELF! 👻👻👻 (Experience: Not a crush but when I got into Roblox, my Animal Crossing obsession RAPIDLY dropped. Getting into new interests helps with getting out of obsessions real fast)

 

- an aroace person (so take the above statement with a grain of salt)

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i think the same thing! i'm quoiromantic so i dont understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, and it always confuses me when people always prioritize romantic relationships over platonic! why can't they treat everyone the same way? and being in a romantic relationship seems to limit what relationships you have with others such as friends, and doing supposedly 'romantic' actions with them can be seen as cheating! it makes no sense!

i hope you can find peace with yourself soon, just as i did not too long ago!  good luck! (^^)

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8 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

i think the same thing! i'm quoiromantic so i dont understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, and it always confuses me when people always prioritize romantic relationships over platonic! why can't they treat everyone the same way? and being in a romantic relationship seems to limit what relationships you have with others such as friends, and doing supposedly 'romantic' actions with them can be seen as cheating! it makes no sense!

i hope you can find peace with yourself soon, just as i did not too long ago!  good luck! (^^)

Exactly. I don't get why some people think that being open and honest about general feelings, about one's schedule, and things like that are "romantic partner privileges". Like that should be a form of basic human decency, not a, oh, you're attractive to me in a romantic way, let me give you the bare minimum now!

This bizarre hierarchy stuff made me realize I want no part of dating after all. I tried "dating" because I wanted a QPR, but I'm happier without the BS standards of having certain privileges for certain people.

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yeah! im a very touchy person who does 'romantic things' with my friends and i get asked constantly if i'm in a relationship with them, i'm not!! i just feel comfortable with myself and with them to express myself and my feelings around them, do allo people not feel comfortable with friends, if so, why not!! 

i'd be happy to 'date' someone if they asked, as long as they knew im arospec, because to me, it's just friendship with a different label that means you wont get judged by allo folks! i treat everyone the same, and yet i'm the one being judged for being at peace with my identity, so frustrating!

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5 minutes ago, jjaee_jaee said:

yeah! im a very touchy person who does 'romantic things' with my friends and i get asked constantly if i'm in a relationship with them, i'm not!! i just feel comfortable with myself and with them to express myself and my feelings around them, do allo people not feel comfortable with friends, if so, why not!! 

i'd be happy to 'date' someone if they asked, as long as they knew im arospec, because to me, it's just friendship with a different label that means you wont get judged by allo folks! i treat everyone the same, and yet i'm the one being judged for being at peace with my identity, so frustrating!

Same for the "happy"  to date someone if they asked part for me too, if they truly knew what arospec was. The issue is that if I mention if they just assume "friends", "FWB", "acquaintances" and anything that to them doesn't imply closeness or a "real commitment" or someone who NEVER wants to settle down. There's also the two-tiered system, where friends can't expect a consistent amount of time spent hanging out, hanging out at certain places, and all that but that's reserved for dates and romantic partners.

Also, alloromantic people act kinda weird when they get into romantic relationships. Not only do some people become less expressive with their emotions than when they were friends (or just with their friends period), but there's a lot of "playing hard to get", and oh my, don't even get me started on how some people see their partner as a possession or someone to be controlled. Not that friends can't do that but it seemed more intensified in these "romantic relationships." And somehow people are okay with it because of their infatuation (not that anyone deserves toxic or abusive behaviors, I'm just talking about how some people rationalize it away, and yes, one's upbringing also has a huge role in what one considers to be "appropriate behaviors so I don't find it appropriate to blame the victim.) and will say as much if you ask them directly. I wonder what the usefulness of such romantic relationships are if one has to abide by so many "rules"? 

Could you explain more what you mean by "being judged by allo folks?"

 

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23 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

 

Could you explain more what you mean by "being judged by allo folks?"

 

yeah sure, sorry i didnt clarify beforehand. i'm open about being aro, and lgbtqia+ and people around me know this and assume that being aro = being stone cold and romance repulsed, which is the opposite for me, and because of this a lot of people assume im faking my identity or am just confused. i'f however, i wasnt openly aro i could do whatever i do and not be judged as much. i've found some allo people to be almost aggressive in 'protecting' their allo-ness when i say i'm aro, and they question me and my labels, and being touchy with my friends and doing traditionally romantic things would only add to this. 

if i said i was in a romantic relationship to an allo then that would give them something to relate to, and therefore i'm less likely to be judged by allos for simply acting in a way that makes me feel comfortable and happy. hope that covers things! 

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2 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

yeah sure, sorry i didnt clarify beforehand. i'm open about being aro, and lgbtqia+ and people around me know this and assume that being aro = being stone cold and romance repulsed, which is the opposite for me, and because of this a lot of people assume im faking my identity or am just confused. i'f however, i wasnt openly aro i could do whatever i do and not be judged as much. i've found some allo people to be almost aggressive in 'protecting' their allo-ness when i say i'm aro, and they question me and my labels, and being touchy with my friends and doing traditionally romantic things would only add to this. 

if i said i was in a romantic relationship to an allo then that would give them something to relate to, and therefore i'm less likely to be judged by allos for simply acting in a way that makes me feel comfortable and happy. hope that covers things! 

Thanks for clarifying what that means.

 

Oh yeah, I bet there's a sense of like, "being aro isn't a real thing", right? God, if I received money for that every time I heard that dumb saying. Ugh.

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I totally understand what you're saying, OP, but this all seems rather insensitive to post. I'm no different from anyone else, yet I've been called everything from a "heartless robot" to a "sex-obsessed freak", simply for saying that I don't experience romantic attraction. (Even by my own friends and family!) Aros' struggles are largely dismissed, while we're pressured to develop feelings we don't experience. We also don't have any legal protections against discrimination based on our orientations, and must put our own identity and desires aside to conform to the system or experience things such as higher taxes, higher rent, difficulty obtaining loans or leases, lack of insurance, lack of legal rights for our loved ones, etc.

If you feel hurt by the pressures romantic society puts on people, that's totally understandable. That means you've discovered something called "amatonormativity": A term coined by professor Elizabeth Brake, which describes the way society puts monogamous romantic partnerships above all else. But just because you're hurt by the same system that we are doesn't mean we have it any better.

It's not "freeing" to wonder if you'll die alone. It's not "freeing" to be mocked by your peers. It's not "freeing" to not be able to afford a home that other people could. It's not "freeing" to be discriminated against in the adoption system if you choose to raise a child. It's not "freeing" to have to worry if the people you choose to have sex with will respect your boundaries, or if they'll harass you and accuse you of deceit for not giving them something you can't give. It's not "freeing" to be seen as a pervert simply for existing. It's not "freeing" to be told you need to go to therapy to make you "normal". It's not "freeing" to never see yourself represented in media as anything other than a villain or a flaw to be overcome. It's not "freeing" to ask for help and be told that you're making things up or just want attention. It's not "freeing" to be told there's something wrong with you for being who you are.

I'm sorry amatonormativity has hurt you, and I genuinely hope you can come to have a life that you enjoy, on your own terms and not anyone else's. But please recognize the respect you get that we don't, and don't project your hurt onto us. Thank you.

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On 4/29/2022 at 12:23 AM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Same for the "happy"  to date someone if they asked part for me too, if they truly knew what arospec was. The issue is that if I mention if they just assume "friends", "FWB", "acquaintances" and anything that to them doesn't imply closeness or a "real commitment" or someone who NEVER wants to settle down. There's also the two-tiered system, where friends can't expect a consistent amount of time spent hanging out, hanging out at certain places, and all that but that's reserved for dates and romantic partners.

This is what "romantic coding" looks like.

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On 4/30/2022 at 1:54 AM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Thanks for clarifying what that means.

 

Oh yeah, I bet there's a sense of like, "being aro isn't a real thing", right? God, if I received money for that every time I heard that dumb saying. Ugh.

i hate it!! and when people seperate you from the rest of lgbtqia+! argh!!

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14 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

I've never heard the term "romantic coding". What is that?

It's things that are associated with romance, though they are not necessary romantic. For instance, going to the cinema to watch a movie : that's common for couples to do this as a date. However, it doesn't have to be a date : you can go to a movie with a friend as well.

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38 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

It's things that are associated with romance, though they are not necessary romantic. For instance, going to the cinema to watch a movie : that's common for couples to do this as a date. However, it doesn't have to be a date : you can go to a movie with a friend as well.

oh that makes sense! still cant get my head around ‘couple activities’ ʅ(◞‿◟)ʃ

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11 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

i hate it!! and when people seperate you from the rest of lgbtqia+! argh!!

Yeah LGBTQIA+ acronym is just for sexual and gender identities apparently :( Sigh...

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11 minutes ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Yeah LGBTQIA+ acronym is just for sexual and gender identities apparently :( Sigh...

lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning, intersex, agender and ALLIES. nothing else :D 

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On 5/1/2022 at 4:53 AM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

I've never heard the term "romantic coding". What is that?

Romantic coding applies to any activity or behaviour which is assumed to only take place in a romantic context.
Examples include sex, kissing, hand holding, dating, candle lit diners, quality time, emotional support.
This creates barriers to aros being able to do (or even attempt) these things. (As well as meaning that allos can feel obliged to do them with their romantic partners.)

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On 5/2/2022 at 5:05 AM, Mark said:

Romantic coding applies to any activity or behaviour which is assumed to only take place in a romantic context.
Examples include sex, kissing, hand holding, dating, candle lit diners, quality time, emotional support.
This creates barriers to aros being able to do (or even attempt) these things. (As well as meaning that allos can feel obliged to do them with their romantic partners.)

I am going to use that phrasing from now on. I feel a lot less isolated now seeing that the above is something reserved for romantic encounters and feeling alienated by that.

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4 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

I am going to use that phrasing from now on. I feel a lot less isolated now seeing that the above is something reserved for romantic encounters and feeling alienated by that.

me too, it's so nice to see something that perfectly sums up something i do frequently. makes me feel so happy! (^0^)

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