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not sure where i fit in


ewitscas
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i don't really know where i fall on the spectrum, if i do at all. mostly, i am questioning. 

 

in theory, romantic relationships seem nice. in practice, it feels lacking to me. i like the idea of it, i like writing about it in stories. when it comes to being in a romantic relationship, however, i feel like it or i am lacking.

 

i don't like all the kissing and face sucking stuff. it makes me cringe, even if in my mind it sounds like it could be nice. in practice i can't really stand it. i've tried. i've failed. i'm terrible at trying to do romantic stuff surrounding sex - why light candles for that? (for a relaxing bath alone, sure.) why mood music? it feels weird to me. i don't really like foreplay that much either. i get bored with it. i like sex itself, and i don't exactly need there to be emotion involved in it or anything, but i do like some passion in the act instead of anything that feels robotic. i sometimes like cuddling (in a catlike way, only sometimes do i want to be touched that much), and i can be affectionate in small ways (head rubs, short back rubs, a press of lips to a shoulder, hand holding, hand on an arm or leg, etc.), but more than that and it's iffy territory for me.

 

i don't like having to give constant attention to someone. i like having my space, and i can't stand the idea of someone controlling me with a relationship. i like the idea of being on my own. i like the idea of being able to focus on friendships instead of just a romantic relationship that, really, just makes me wish i had someone to trust and be friends with for sex without all the intense attachments of romantic relationships and demands. i don't want to have to choose to repress my happiness to keep someone else happy. i want to be happy when and if i am making others happy in some way.

 

i have intense emotions for people sometimes, but i am questioning if it's romantic love or i just thought it was for so long. maybe it is a different kind of love. maybe i see love in a weird way. maybe i just don't have a clue what healthy love looks like in the first place. i don't know. i've been thinking i am just broken. 

 

anyone able to point me in a direction where i might be able to gain some insight?

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First of all, you're not broken. It's normal to be confused when you realize that you don't feel the same way most people do. You're valid and the type of relationship you want is valid too.

10 hours ago, ewitscas said:

i don't like having to give constant attention to someone. i like having my space, and i can't stand the idea of someone controlling me with a relationship. i like the idea of being on my own. i like the idea of being able to focus on friendships instead of just a romantic relationship that, really, just makes me wish i had someone to trust and be friends with for sex without all the intense attachments of romantic relationships and demands. i don't want to have to choose to repress my happiness to keep someone else happy. i want to be happy when and if i am making others happy in some way.

I'm not sure if this will help you, but I feel the same way. I prefer a friends with benefits relationship to a romantic relationship because it is way less suffocating. I also thought I had crushes and was in love with people, but I recently realized it was just a mix of platonic and sexual attraction.

My only suggestion is that you research about the different types of attraction and think about your current and past relationships to see if they fit somewhere. 

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I can relate to a this. And yes, that does all sound like it would fall under the umbrella of being aro.

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Being aro is not really whether you like the theoretical idea of a romantic relationship. Some aros want a romantic relationship, they just don't feel romantic attraction. But I understand it can be hard to know what is romantic attraction and just other types of attraction.

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I'm questioning my aromanticism myself, but honestly, I've never even been in a relationship. What I thought were crushes now seem more like squishes. I like romance in books, but it is more about the intimacy of the relationship that I like than the making out and the talks about sex (I am also asexual with a disinterest in having sex).

All I can say is that you belong somewhere. I am still looking myself, but there are friends that have accepted me for who I am, and there are people who haven't. If you can, be open about it.

Also, as a religious person trying to figure all this stuff out as well, and not knowing how you feel about that aspect, I will just say God Bless.

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I am not exactly like you, but I can understand where you are coming from.  I could see myself as being a bit like you if I was allosexual, maybe.  I don't know.

But i'm aro too.  And the aro umbrella can be very diverse.  There are aro aces, aro allos, aro demis, and everything else under the sun.  So I don't know for sure, but maybe you have a place here.  You do sound a lot like some of the aro allos that i've come across on here.

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17 hours ago, Thiel said:

I'm not sure if this will help you, but I feel the same way. I prefer a friends with benefits relationship to a romantic relationship because it is way less suffocating. I also thought I had crushes and was in love with people, but I recently realized it was just a mix of platonic and sexual attraction.

My only suggestion is that you research about the different types of attraction and think about your current and past relationships to see if they fit somewhere

this actually sounds pretty spot on about the type of fwb relationship due to the less suffocating feeling; i think that would make me most comfortable. the only issue there is i find the idea of sex with a person that is also having sex with others sort of off-putting. it probably wouldn't make me turn away completely, so there's that, lol.

 

i will look into the different types of attraction for sure! thank you.

 

 

14 hours ago, Angrboda said:

I can relate to a this. And yes, that does all sound like it would fall under the umbrella of being aro

i intend to look into this further, thank you!

 

 

14 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Being aro is not really whether you like the theoretical idea of a romantic relationship. Some aros want a romantic relationship, they just don't feel romantic attraction. But I understand it can be hard to know what is romantic attraction and just other types of attraction

yeah, i will look into what the differences are to see what applies to me the best :]

 

 

9 hours ago, SirBeastling said:

What I thought were crushes now seem more like squishes. I like romance in books, but it is more about the intimacy of the relationship that I like than the making out and the talks about sex (I am also asexual with a disinterest in having sex).

i need to find out what squish means, but yeah the close bond thing is something i like the idea of having overall.

 

 

5 hours ago, alto said:

You do sound a lot like some of the aro allos that i've come across on here

i need to find the definitions of allo and aro allo now, thank you!

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1 hour ago, ewitscas said:

i need to find the definitions of allo and aro allo now, thank you!

"allo" is the opposite of "a(-sexual/-romantic)". so someone who is aro-allo is aromantic and allosexual! it serves the same function as cis for trans (someone who is cis is not trans). and a squish is a term we use which is similar to a crush, but it's platonic. when you meet someone who is extremely cool and you really want to be their friend (to put it very simply, hah).

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48 minutes ago, nisse said:

"allo" is the opposite of "a(-sexual/-romantic)". so someone who is aro-allo is aromantic and allosexual! it serves the same function as cis for trans (someone who is cis is not trans).

confusion has escalated o.o

an identity change from one to the other, rather than persisting throughout?

and if its the opposite of asexual, which is non-sexual, does that mean all-sexual? and how does this differ from pansexual if so? is it just because allo belongs under an aro umbrella?

something has been lost in translation i think?

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2 hours ago, ewitscas said:

and if its the opposite of asexual, which is non-sexual, does that mean all-sexual? and how does this differ from pansexual if so? is it just because allo belongs under an aro umbrella?

something has been lost in translation i think?

Allosexual means that you feel sexual attraction. You can be allosexual (because you feel sexual attraction) and heterosexual, homo, bi or pan (because of the gender you are sexualy attracted to).

 

5 hours ago, ewitscas said:

this actually sounds pretty spot on about the type of fwb relationship due to the less suffocating feeling; i think that would make me most comfortable. the only issue there is i find the idea of sex with a person that is also having sex with others sort of off-putting. it probably wouldn't make me turn away completely, so there's that, lol.

 

Then you might want a QPR.

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6 hours ago, ewitscas said:

i need to find out what squish means, but yeah the close bond thing is something i like the idea of having overall.

I am not the best to describe what a squish is because I am rather new to all of this still, but for me, a squish is when you are attracted to someone because of their personality. You know exactly why you like them, and what you want from them is a closer friendship and to learn more about them.

A crush I can't describe very well, either. My brother says a crush is when you see someone and a feeling just comes up. You don't know why, but it is there. (?) I think that's it. I also think it doesn't go away the moment you find something you don't like about them, and you get jealous if someone else likes them, or they like someone else.

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4 hours ago, ewitscas said:

and if its the opposite of asexual, which is non-sexual, does that mean all-sexual? and how does this differ from pansexual if so? is it just because allo belongs under an aro umbrella?

An allosexual is someone who feels sexual attraction. It doesn't precise to who. An allosexual can be heterosexual, pansexual, etc.

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7 hours ago, ewitscas said:

an identity change from one to the other, rather than persisting throughout?

Aro-allo, or aromantic asexual, is using what is known as SAM. SAM stands for Split Attraction Model: so you can have romantic attractions and sexual attractions (and many more besides), and they do not necessarily overlap. Ace-allo also exist: someone who is asexual and alloromantic. 

So:

  • Aromantic Asexual: Does not experience romantic OR sexual attraction
  • Aromantic Allosexual: Does not experience romantic attraction, DOES experience sexual attraction. They may be hetero, homo, bi, or any other sexual orientation. 
  • Alloromantic Asexual: Experiences romantic attraction, does NOT experience sexual attraction. They, too, may be hetero, homo, bi, or any other romantic orientation.

This is a bit simplified (there are tons of combinations, and of course there is the fact that aromantic and asexual are also umbrella terms for the spectrum within), but largely how SAM is used. Not everyone uses SAM for themselves - largely people whose attractions match up, e.g. homosexual and homoromantic, but also people like me who just use aromantic as their whole identity. 

I hope this made some sense!

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