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Allos and friendship.


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Has anyone else encountered alloremantics saying things like "more than friends" or they want to be "friends first".
Then ended up feeling that their idea of friendship didn't seem to have much in common with yours?

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Yes, definitely. I feel like the vast majority of people don't place as much importance on friendship as I do. Once I become close enough friends with someone, I start to consider them my surrogate family and sometimes get embarrassingly clingy (which in any other context is very out of character for me), but only in a few cases does the other person feel as strongly in return--it seems as though for a lot of people, "best friends" are something that get left behind in high school as a relic of a time when everyone had enough inside jokes to fill an encyclopedia and plans to stay in touch that all promptly got thrown out the window as childish and unrealistic once everyone went to different colleges, and now it's just a convenient shorthand for that person you always say hi to in the dining hall. There are some friends who I hang out with a lot and think about a lot just because I'm so happy that we're friends, and often I can't help but wonder if that's weird or creepy because I almost never see other people acting the same way. 

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Just now, aroMa(n)tisse said:

A romantic partner is supposed to be a friend too... the most important friend, a 'superfriend', if you wish.

 

Say the same persons who say that once you've become friends, all potential for a relationship is ruined xD

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Haha, yep.  A good example:

My good friend of six years letting me know that her boyfriend of six months was 'more important' than me

Like, thanks I guess

 

How come when you start kissing it suddenly becomes the most important thing?? I just don't get it :U

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2 hours ago, Swablu said:

Haha, yep.  A good example:

My good friend of six years letting me know that her boyfriend of six months was 'more important' than me

Like, thanks I guess

 

How come when you start kissing it suddenly becomes the most important thing?? I just don't get it :U

EXACTLY!!! Yep I'm dropping our year long friendship for a month long relationship. But then you're the first one they run to when they're in trouble or hurt

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6 hours ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

A romantic partner is supposed to be a friend too... the most important friend, a 'superfriend', if you wish. In practice, it doesn't always happen so, though :P

Guess that makes sense if romance is a thing for you.

4 hours ago, ArodynamicallyFavored said:

"Cai I want to be friends"

me: "But we already are best friends"

"No more than that"

me:"*gasp* YOU WANNA BE SUPER MEGA BEST FRIENDS?!"

"Wait what" :facepalm:

me:" HEY SUPER MEGA BEST FRIEND!!!"

I'm just horrible

The only thing which tends to make much sense to me as "more than friends" would be some kind of FWB.
I also dislike the use of the adjective "just" such as "just friends" or "just an FWB". Seems so dismissive of potentially valuable human relationships.

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2 hours ago, Swablu said:

Haha, yep.  A good example:

My good friend of six years letting me know that her boyfriend of six months was 'more important' than me

Like, thanks I guess

 

How come when you start kissing it suddenly becomes the most important thing?? I just don't get it :U

I like kissing. But a kissing partner is not automatically more important than someone I don't (possibly don't even want to) kiss.
Whilst I might hope that someone I've just met would have the potential to be someone important in my life that's something which can take time.
Of course I will tend to give priority to existing friends.To abandon people I already know, especially if they are in need, seems an odd definition of friendship.

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I hate the phrases "more than friends" and "just friends" a lot. It makes it sound like friendship is less worth than romance. Also a guy once told me he wanted to be "just friends" and I thought he actually wanted to be FRIENDS, nothing else, but apparently when he said "just friends", it was actually some cryptic allotomantic code for "I actually want to be in a romantic relationship with you, but it'd be weird to tell you that because we're not close enough yet, so let's first become friends, so I can get closer to you and then become your boyfriend later".

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In some sense, I can understand allo people's attitudes toward friendship since we're all taught that Romance Is the Most Important.
Still, that doesn't make it any less hurtful. I'm still at the age where it's "acceptable" to be close with friends, and all my friends are also still students and so aren't concentrating on marriage and families. But just knowing that it's coming up is scary..

 

aihpen, that just sounds weird. Even in allo-ese, isn't "just friends" supposed to be code for "I only want to be friends and I want to let you know if you are interested in me so you don't get your hopes up."

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As somebody who has been in a romantic relationship, I would say romance isn't "giga mega friendship". I wished it was, and I was genuinely convinced that's what romance was. It does look like it is from the outside, especially if you are aro and tend read everything platonic.

But its not. Its not at all.

The dynamics are different, the way people in love treat each other is very different from how intimate friends interact, even if they are having sex. Friends don't get possessive, they might say 'that is my person', but usually in a sense that 'that is the kind of person I like', which is very different from the 'they belong to me, they are mine'.

 

I would not say that alloromantic people are uncapable of deep intimate friendships.

They just throw around the word quite lightly. When you get a friend request on DIVA or on HER and she doesn't even bother talk to you at all? I'm flattered really, but at least say hi or something? Yeah whatever girl, I have no idea what you achieved by that but suit yourself. When people call their coworkers friends because they may talk to each other twice a day about topics like car insurance? That is like the edge of the acquaintance zone for me. When they call somebody a friend but they still call them a bitch and talk shit about them behind their backs? Why do you even bother talking to them? What is the point? What are you, 8?

For them the so called friend zone includes everything from 'we are capable of 3 mins of semi intelligent conversation' to 'I'd do anything for you'. For me a friend is defined as somebody who has seen me without masks, somebody I don't have to pretend for.  It does not necessarily mean that we are in each others personal space 24/7, but if we do not get to see each other for 10 months, we can still make each other laugh, understand each other without having to over explain everything. But I do have that connection with alloromantic people :hugs:

 

 

 

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Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that aros tend to have a very different definition for what a friend is? From what I've noticed, aros have much stricter guidelines on who they call friends compared to aros. As in, what allos would call a friend, and aro would probably call an acquaintance.

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4 minutes ago, Zemaddog said:

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that aros tend to have a very different definition for what a friend is? From what I've noticed, aros have much stricter guidelines on who they call friends compared to aros. As in, what allos would call a friend, and aro would probably call an acquaintance.

I don't think it's always a constant; I kinda alternate between calling friends at university college friends and acquaintances. But yeah, since unlike allos we don't really get closeness from romantic relationships, I think aros are more choosy with friendships.

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3 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that aros tend to have a very different definition for what a friend is? From what I've noticed, aros have much stricter guidelines on who they call friends compared to aros. As in, what allos would call a friend, and aro would probably call an acquaintance.

 

I was using strict guidelines way before I learned what aromanticism and QPR are. I was taught these guidelines by my relatives, who're all cis-het.

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On 21/06/2016 at 0:23 PM, Cassiopeia said:

As somebody who has been in a romantic relationship, I would say romance isn't "giga mega friendship". I wished it was, and I was genuinely convinced that's what romance was. It does look like it is from the outside, especially if you are aro and tend read everything platonic.

But its not. Its not at all.

The dynamics are different, the way people in love treat each other is very different from how intimate friends interact, even if they are having sex. Friends don't get possessive, they might say 'that is my person', but usually in a sense that 'that is the kind of person I like', which is very different from the 'they belong to me, they are mine'.

 

The few times I have even tried romantic relationships it has felt nothing like friendship. Even the one time the other person ended it my feelings were of relief. I just never got the possessivness, monogamy, doing everything together, etc. if anything it felt even stranger from the inside than from the outside.

I have once had a sexual friendship. This felt natural and like I was being treated as a person rather than a role. Unfortunately this ended with the other person meeting someone who wanted romantic monogamy with them. To me this felt a huge loss.

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It kind of bugs me when people use the phrase "just friends", as if there's something lesser about being friends with someone over being in a romantic relationship.  Friendship is awesome!  Also, being friends with someone and being in a romantic relationship with them isn't really comparable.  I found that out the hard way when i got into a romantc relationship with a squish thinking it would be a more intense version of friendship :/

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8 minutes ago, Kitson Finch Sinaelo said:

Why are people so possessive of their romantic partners anyway? I mean, I see this is every single romance! What's up with that?

 

They're afraid of losing their partner one day. That's why they're so possessive. Romance pushes anxiety to its most extreme kind. People who are secure about their relationships don't show that behaviour.

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23 minutes ago, Kitson Finch Sinaelo said:

Why are people so possessive of their romantic partners anyway? I mean, I see this is every single romance! What's up with that?

It seems to an intrinsic part of the concept of "romantic love".
Possibly part of the reason so many alloromantics seem to struggle with non-monogamous relationships.

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53 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

 

They're afraid of losing their partner one day. That's why they're so possessive. Romance pushes anxiety to its most extreme kind. People who are secure about their relationships don't show that behaviour.

 

I have felt the fear of loosing a friend to romance, but I have never felt the need to tie them down. Quite the opposite actually.

Even my ex, I tried to introduce her to my friends, because I wanted her to be emotionally healthy and to develop friendships. But she just did not get it.

I guess I'm just wired differently or something :D:aropride:

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10 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

 

I have the fear of loosing a friend to romance, but I have never felt the need to tie them down. Quite the opposite actually.

Even my ex, I tried to introduce her to my friends, because I wanted her to be emotionally healthy and to develop friendships. But she just did not get it.

I guess I'm just wired differently or something :D:aropride:

It can seem as though alloromatics can desire this exclusivity and "cutting off". Makes no sense to me at all.
Also the only way I'm interested in tying anyone down involves actual rope.

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