Nowhere.girl Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Hi! I'm currently in a romantic relationship because at first I thought that I was attracted to this girl. I've been getting more and more uncomfortable on the romantic parts of it to the point that I don't even wanna read her texts because it makes me feel so anxious; I think I may be aromatic. The point is that once I was in the relationship I told her that I liked her a lot, because I was confused and I thought that that's what romantic attraction felt like (then I realized that I just liked her as a person). She REALLY likes me, **TW plus she has problems like depression, an eating disorder, etc, but I made sure that she was getting proper treatment so she will be ok, ** but all of this just makes things more difficult. My problem is that I don't know how to break up with her. I know the best option is tell her how I feel, but I don't want her to think that I'm a liar for saying that I liked her and now suddenly I don't, or that I used her to figure out my romantic orientation (I don't think I did, do you? I really care about her, I really do). I was wondering if anyone had experienced a similar situation, and if so, how did you do it? How did you explain them the whole thing? Are you still friends? If you hadn't been in this situation I also appreciate your objective responses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Breaking up is hard to do. I felt similar to you in my one and only romantic relationship. I didn't know about aromanticism at the time, but I just felt like I was drowning or suffocating. She was a great person and I cared about her, but the relationship just never felt natural to me. I said things to her like she was perfect and that I loved her, but still wanted to break it off. You just have to tell her the truth. It's not going to be easy. But, it's better that she knows the truth now instead of having you string her along. The longer you wait, the more pain it will cause both of you. I didn't have the courage to break up in person, plus she lived 75 miles away. So I picked up the phone and told her I was breaking up with her. She cried a lot and was upset. There wasn't much I could say to console her. I offered to stay her friend but then I avoided her calls after that. Haven't seen her since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nowhere.girl Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 4 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said: Breaking up is hard to do. I felt similar to you in my one and only romantic relationship. I didn't know about aromanticism at the time, but I just felt like I was drowning or suffocating. She was a great person and I cared about her, but the relationship just never felt natural to me. I said things to her like she was perfect and that I loved her, but still wanted to break it off. You just have to tell her the truth. It's not going to be easy. But, it's better that she knows the truth now instead of having you string her along. The longer you wait, the more pain it will cause both of you. I didn't have the courage to break up in person, plus she lived 75 miles away. So I picked up the phone and told her I was breaking up with her. She cried a lot and was upset. There wasn't much I could say to console her. I offered to stay her friend but then I avoided her calls after that. Haven't seen her since. Yeah that's probably what I'll do, I'll tell her the truth, the sooner the better... Thank you so much for helping me and sharing your story, I was clueless about what should I do and my friends wouldn't understand it if I explained it to them, so you certainly gave me some perspective haha. Oh and thanks for the song too!! Hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 Funny I'm looking at Neil's shirt in that video and wondering what's up with it. It's like a turtle neck kind of, but shorter? I wish you the best with your breakup. You'll probably feel a huge sense of relief once it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I haven't been in a situation like this so I don't think I can offer any real advice, but are you still comfortable being friends with her? If so, for sake of her depression/etc, make sure she knows you want to stay friends and you still care about her. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nowhere.girl Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 On 02/06/2016 at 1:28 AM, Simowl said: I haven't been in a situation like this so I don't think I can offer any real advice, but are you still comfortable being friends with her? If so, for sake of her depression/etc, make sure she knows you want to stay friends and you still care about her. Good luck! Yeah, I would totally stay friends with her, but if she needs space after the breakup I stay away and ask friends how is she doing I suppose.. After all she's got the worst part. Thank you :') On 02/06/2016 at 0:47 AM, Blue Phoenix Ace said: Funny I'm looking at Neil's shirt in that video and wondering what's up with it. It's like a turtle neck kind of, but shorter? I wish you the best with your breakup. You'll probably feel a huge sense of relief once it's over. Yes it looks like some kind of turtle neck 60's style I suppose...fashion looks weird 50 years later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexisS Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 I've had similar occasions. The last one ended like below. Last year I was in a relationship with this girl I met at an lesbian meetup. She was a bright person, and I really liked her personality and everything in general when we were dating. I was quite attached to her, compared to any other person I'd been with until then. I thought this could be some kind of romantic attraction I hadn't felt before. But then after a few months into the relationship, I started to feel drained. She didn't do anything bad of course, just enjoying spending time with me. But I felt like my energy and time was being ripped out from me. Especially when she was overly intimate(both physically and emotionally) and poured me with her 'love', I felt like I was trapped. I was unhappy and miserable. My mind kept giving me warning signs like 'WRONG! This is WRONG!', and I really wanted to get out of the relationship. This worsened when she asked for more love which I just couldn't give her. (Sex was one of the big problems too, due to my asexuality and all that) The title 'girlfriend' didn't suit me any more. So, after coming back from a business trip, I had to tell her goodbye. I didn't tell her of my orientation, since I wasn't really sure back then. I just said this relationship had to end, because I didn't feel the same anymore. Many other complications like quitting my job and changing my career also helped me explain why I couldn't concentrate on the relationship anymore. Ever since then, I haven't heard from her. I might bump into her some day, but I don't think I could act like nothing happened. (I'll probably hide behind the wall until she goes away.) I believe I came off as a cold person when I ended the relationship, so she won't be too happy about facing me either. Well.. This was how it ended. Now I identify as aro(and ace). And this experience sort of made me realize what I really am. My experience might not be of any help to you, but I wanted to share my experience anyways... So you know there's someone who's had similar experiences out there. Hope things turn out great for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassiopeia Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I guess in any sort of break up, be it romance, or a toxic friendship or quitting a work relationship is to think about what you want to say, as you may not get a second chance to talk to that person ever. If you can't make it kind, at least try to keep it collected. I have been in almost the exact same situation about four years ago. If you want, you can PM me, I'll try to help. off On 2016. 06. 01. at 11:47 PM, Blue Phoenix Ace said: Funny I'm looking at Neil's shirt in that video and wondering what's up with it. It's like a turtle neck kind of, but shorter? The weird turtleneck was definitely not the most awkward thing in there. Have you people seen the body language? Singing about this topic and looking this enthusiastically fake-happy? The extras not knowing how to handle that whole situation...wait, are they singing or not? The background dancers being half-hidden behind the extras, not even behind the singer. And where is the band? He needs the mic to talk, but not to sing? Who made these decisions? Was there anybody directing this? 60s pop culture was weird. off/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 Maybe Neil is aromantic too. Breaking up is hard to do, but it's such a relief when it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cattea Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I know I'm a bit late; but I just wanted to check how it's going for you? Has anything changed/ have you talked to her? Personally I was in a similar situation just a couple of months ago and it was so SO uncomfortable and gave me a lot of anxiety. I tried to ecplain that I was aromantic; but I don't think she really accepted that... After awhile she told me that she wanted to break it off and I felt relieved (I was going to take it up during the same chat). So while I am grateful that the decision to break up was mutual, we haven't talked much after ehich makes me a bit sad (I still like her as a person). I made a post about the whole thing here on arocalypse if you want to read what others answered! I wish you all the luck!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber_Wing Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I know what you're going through. Before I even knew about aromanticism, I went through a similar situation. I really cared about him. I realize now that there wasn't a modicum of romantic affection in what I felt for him, but at the time I didn't know any better, so I assumed that must be what attraction was, and started 'going out' with him. I was 16. I was with him for almost a year before I realized I completely hated everything that exited the realm of friendship. As time wore on he grew bolder, started kissing me more, holding my hand more, telling me he loved me and that he'd like to have a family, and it literally made me sick to my stomach. I broke it off without understanding why I didn't 'love' him, and for years I thought I was just defective or something, because anyone else I ever tried to date made me feel the exact same way. Only a couple of years ago did I discover aromanticism. I was 22. So, I spent the better part of six years in the dark? That was fun. I ended up dating that same guy thinking I should give him 'another chance' to see if I felt any different, and that's when I found aromanticism, and realized what the problem was. He loved me. I lost a good friend, but I have no regrets. Anyway, you need to be honest with her. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. I hated breaking up with people. I cared about them, just not the same way they loved me, you know? Your situation sounds very similar. How she's going to take it, I obviously can't say, but in the long run you'll be happy you were honest with yourself, and with her too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiekirkland Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 I hope it all went well for you. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, except I didn't know I was aromantic (or asexual). It was going really well at first, thinking I'd finally found someone who'd reciprocated my feelings, but of course our feelings didn't match. Over time the romantic gestures and having to act in love became exhausting for me and I felt like he was suffocating me, wanting to spend every minute together. This exhaustion made my platonic feelings fade and so I thought I no longer had feelings for him. I tried to ignore it for a few months but the aforementioned feelings only got worse, so after talking to my mum about it I decided to wait until his final exams were over, go over to his house and break up with him (admittedly I was also in a hurry because Christmas was approaching and his family were quite wealthy spendthrifts, which I knew because of my birthday). I know how stupid the "it's not you, it's me" must have sounded to him but it was so true in my situation. I told him how much fun I had with him, how much he meant to me and that he deserved someone who could reciprocate his feelings. All still true, I just wish I had known I was aro at the time. The only thing I regret was ignoring how I felt. I could've ended it months earlier and prevented him from getting even more attached. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nowhere.girl Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 On 15/8/2016 at 3:58 PM, Cattea said: I know I'm a bit late; but I just wanted to check how it's going for you? Has anything changed/ have you talked to her? Personally I was in a similar situation just a couple of months ago and it was so SO uncomfortable and gave me a lot of anxiety. I tried to ecplain that I was aromantic; but I don't think she really accepted that... After awhile she told me that she wanted to break it off and I felt relieved (I was going to take it up during the same chat). So while I am grateful that the decision to break up was mutual, we haven't talked much after ehich makes me a bit sad (I still like her as a person). I made a post about the whole thing here on arocalypse if you want to read what others answered! I wish you all the luck!! Don't worry, I'm even later with this reply I know how you feel when you say you're sad because you still like her as a person, and I'm sorry Anyway, what happened with this girl is that I talked to her and explained her everything all at once: that I wanted to break up with her and that I'm aromantic and... let's just say she didn't take it very well, she wasn't angry, which would have preferred, but she got extremely sad and though I thought I shouldn't feel bad because it was the best for the both of us and I can't change who I am, I still felt really bad for her. We haven't talked since, because her therapist told me that it was the best idea so she wouldn't randomly remember me and feel sad again, but we have a very close friend in common and sometimes she tells me how she's doing, which is good because I still worry about her, she was a great person... Anyway, thanks you for the response, you're so nice!! On 3/9/2016 at 7:01 AM, Saber_Wing said: I know what you're going through. Before I even knew about aromanticism, I went through a similar situation. I really cared about him. I realize now that there wasn't a modicum of romantic affection in what I felt for him, but at the time I didn't know any better, so I assumed that must be what attraction was, and started 'going out' with him. I was 16. I was with him for almost a year before I realized I completely hated everything that exited the realm of friendship. As time wore on he grew bolder, started kissing me more, holding my hand more, telling me he loved me and that he'd like to have a family, and it literally made me sick to my stomach. I broke it off without understanding why I didn't 'love' him, and for years I thought I was just defective or something, because anyone else I ever tried to date made me feel the exact same way. Only a couple of years ago did I discover aromanticism. I was 22. So, I spent the better part of six years in the dark? That was fun. I ended up dating that same guy thinking I should give him 'another chance' to see if I felt any different, and that's when I found aromanticism, and realized what the problem was. He loved me. I lost a good friend, but I have no regrets. Anyway, you need to be honest with her. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. I hated breaking up with people. I cared about them, just not the same way they loved me, you know? Your situation sounds very similar. How she's going to take it, I obviously can't say, but in the long run you'll be happy you were honest with yourself, and with her too. That sounds really similar to what happened to me. I'm sorry you lost your friend though , that must have sucked. But thank you for sharing your story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nowhere.girl Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 Hey everyone, I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have helped me by sharing their personal story or giving me their opinion, or just supporting me. I appreciate it very much, really Even if our experiences with this particular situation haven't gone like we would have wanted, what counts is that we are now better than how we would be if we hadn't done what we did, and we deserve to be happy Okay I'll go now before I get too soppy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Welcome to singlehood. I hope everything works out between you and you can stay friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Untamed Heart Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I'm a little late to the party (and sorry if this post gets too long!), but I just wanted to say I can really relate to what you were saying in your original post, but I especially wanted to say I don't feel you were using her. Feelings are really hard to pin down at times, as they're very subjective in nature! It's clear that you care a lot about her, so if you'd known or suspected your feelings would change, or turn out to be something other than what they seemed, then you would very likely have reconsidered having a romantic relationship with her. In any case, I hope you're feeling better now I have similar issues in that when I do agree to date someone, my feelings generally start getting really weak or disappearing, coming back again but lukewarm then disappear again. In the meantime, I feel really numb, anxious, and dysfunctional etc. Most of the time, boyfriends have left me without saying anything (I didn't know why at the time, but now I suspect they could sense something was a bit off, and either didn't care enough to bring it up or didn't know what to make of it. I have also been called 'weird' a couple of times. That doesn't actually bother me - I know I'm weird - but some elaboration on why they thought that would have been helpful lol). I've felt this way since I was maybe 15, but only found out about aromanticism this year (I'm 33 now). I had a short relationship earlier this year, which I had to break off because I just couldn't carry on and not being able to return his feelings wasn't fair to him. I don't regret ending it, but I do regret having to, still do 7 months later despite the fact I didn't feel much connection to him, even after 3 months of seeing him nearly all the time. I did try being friends with him afterwards, because I felt guilty about the whole thing and I did care on some level, but I stopped as it just felt really forced. In short, it was all a massive fuck up. When I broke up with him, I was very apologetic and said I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but I stressed that it wasn't anything he'd done (he was a truly lovely person and very kind, caring... everything I felt I wanted in a partner, but I just felt weird and/or sick a lot of the time I was with him). I also sent him an email later saying I hoped his next girlfriend was a better match for him than I was, and I came out to him in a letter recently. I think about him a lot, and I'm weirdly nostalgic about our relationship and wonder how it might have turned out if I hadn't been grey romantic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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