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Romance and emotional well being


Holmbo
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Many of this forum have written about how so many people seem to tie romantic love together with emotional/psychological well being. Like if you feel depressed it's because you're missing "your other half" and you are lonely. Obviously this idea is very destructive for aros but I also feel like it hurts allos, because it's presented as this quick fix.
 

I was talking to a friend the other day who was feeling really down. He was missing his girlfriend who had broken up with him two years ago. He said that she had been coming up in his mind a lot lately and it was because he was still in love with her. The thing is he's had a lot of stressful things happening to him lately and I kept thinking "is this really just about that relationship which ended two years ago". But when I brought up that there could be other things as well he said that no it's just about her and I just don't understand how strong romantic love is :P

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If anything, my emotional well being is much better when I'm single, but people have implied I "needed" a boyfriend in the past (various reasons, none of which having a boyfriend would fix or even help much and most were just narrow minded assumptions anyway). When I was "dating" I was looking for someone only because, thanks to Hollywood type bullshit, that whoever I ended up with would automatically be someone I could rely on as some kind of emotional crutch - I had really low self esteem and depression at the time, no real friends and my job was killing me slowly from the inside. Turns out I don't really understand how relationships are meant to work, and they stress me out to the point where I eventually start feeling mentally and physically ill.

So, in a nutshell I agree it hurts allos as well as aros, maybe in some instances even worse! (That's not me implying I've been hurt worse by romance than aros in general, but I'm sure there are instances where being allo doesn't provide any benefits that aros don't have? If that makes any sense?)

Spoiler

I literally wanted to die at times in my last relationship, even though the guy was perfectly nice and not doing anything to make me feel that way. There were a few moments where I did feel good, maybe even like I "loved" him, but they were all very brief and far between. The rest of the time I felt depressed, numb, sick, like I wanted to forget him, and sometimes I even felt petrified of being in the same room as him... I just fought myself all the way because the whole feelings fluctuating and sudden losses of interest didn't make any sense to me, and it was also something I was afraid of expressing, because I didn't want to hurt him, or even risk ending things 'in case' my feelings actually changed for the better. I did eventually because I just woke up one morning and had the feeling I couldn't go on any more.

ETA - there's also the fact that this kind of thing is apparently kind of common and people just don't acknowledge it - either to maintain some kind of illusion that supports the status quo (very likely) or... I don't know. The only person I really know who isn't in a relationship, is single more because guys have messed her around and she won't put up with it, but she doesn't appear to have the same issues as I do when I'm in one. This isn't a complaint about being single in any way, just ranting that the worse aspects of romance's real nitty gritty get brushed under the carpet, which can be really damaging. It was a relief to finally find people who felt similarly to me, and feel validated in my decision to opt out, rather than just be told I need to get therapy so I can join in the "fun". 

 

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48 minutes ago, Ettina said:

It also leads to the idea that you can fix your romantic partner just by loving them enough, which causes a lot of problems.  

 

Yeah, project relationships always end in disaster. Either you fail to change your partner into the kind of person you want them to be, so you're miserable, or you succeed, and they're misarable. You'd think that romantics would know that either you love someone for who they already are or you don't love them for who they already are and that's that, but so many romantics screw up in that regard.

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On 28/05/2017 at 6:28 PM, Holmbo said:

Many of this forum have written about how so many people seem to tie romantic love together with emotional/psychological well being. Like if you feel depressed it's because you're missing "your other half" and you are lonely. Obviously this idea is very destructive for aros but I also feel like it hurts allos, because it's presented as this quick fix.

I view the whole couple thing as a kind of negative social interaction.
I'm lonely because I'm missing interaction with my group/tribe/network.
I wonder, at times, if some allos would benefit from a less singular form of relationship structure.

18 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

I was married once. It was the only time in my life I experienced depression. And it was directly related to being part of a couple. It was the most stressful time of my life. 

How did you put up with the couple stuff long enough to actually get married? I certainly could never have done that.

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