aro_elise

hey!  don't be nervous, it's chill here.  

16 hours ago, Mel said:

(I also identified as biromantic too but I read a bit of the list of romantic attractions and I'm slightly confused. I just thought it was like, bisexual but for romantic attraction, but it's not??)

sorry, is it not?  romantically attracted to two genders?  i'm not bi-anything but i feel like all the prefixes apply the same way to romantic and sexual orientations.

anyway, welcome.

On 7/13/2020 at 2:51 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I would like to see an allo aro character who's romance repulsed. One thing that both aroaces and allo-allos don't get is that sex is so heavily tied to romance that if you're not willing to at least perform romance for someone else's benefit, you're going to have a really hard time with any sexual relationships. 

How do you even find sexual relationships without first dating someone romantically, if you're not someone who's interested in the usual things like nightclubs or dating apps? Or, let's say you are open to those things. How do you sort out the people who are willing to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship from the people who expect it to develop into something """more"""? What do you do when your partner """catches feelings""" and it's seen as your responsibility and your fault, and you're expected to reciprocate out of obligation? What do you do when they spread rumors about you being a bitch for refusing to date them, even when you both agreed at the start of your relationship that it was going to be purely sexual? What do you do when your partner wants to kiss you, or call you pet names? How do you find smut you can enjoy reading, when the best written stuff always ends in an "I love you for real"?

wow, you said it.  i'm gearing up to try the club/tinder thing (when safe) and i'm lowkey dreading weeding through the romance.  like when i have sex/make out with dudes i, like, consciously try to make sure it doesn't get romantic and it's like ughhh if i could just not worry...  and the smut thing with sudden romance, no joke, it's like that jolt when you've been lying on the beach baking like a pizza and you walk into the comparatively freezing lake, instant regret.

On 7/13/2020 at 3:04 PM, nisse said:

if i can ask a somewhat personal question - which you are of course free to not answer! - would you personally, ideally want one or more long term sexual partners, if you could be guaranteed no romance would be involved?

thought i'd pipe in here as well, i'd like a few, varying in length, just whatever happens naturally.  can also be friends/do 'date-like' activities or not, again, just if we vibe like that.  and i'm poly so they can have other sexual/romantic partners or whatever, or a triad would be cool (2 guys of course).  so yeah, as long as i'm attracted to them and we're compatible and not romantic, it's chill.

if you have any more questions, i'd be glad to help.

8 hours ago, Blake said:

My band that was love at first listen was Bring Me The Horizon. The song was Hospital for the Souls. I loved every song of that album, Sempiternal.

hospital for souls is a beaut--the spoken part at the beginning, ooh--but deathbeds is my absolute favourite.  and yes, while there is a hell goes hard as hell, sempiternal's gotta be their best.

On 7/21/2020 at 5:15 AM, Alin said:

Concerts of pop-punk and post-hardcore bands

ahh that's my scene!  pierce the veil is my life.  i love concerts and of course just listening on my own.  and i'm learning to fry scream and when it actually sounds good it's so exciting.

On 7/22/2020 at 8:12 AM, Philotes said:

One of the things that I enjoy is hearing a really good song for the first time, one of those songs that manages to trigger emotions and gives you shivers

like when you check out a new band and the first song you hear is just love at first listen?  awesome.

On 7/22/2020 at 11:21 AM, Pierrot said:

But yeah, I totally second aro_elise with just being in a new place and getting the feel of it.  Just sitting in a park in a different country by yourself and simply enjoying the atmosphere is lovely.  There's nothing else quite like it.

exactly!

ok my parents are cool with me being aro but unrelated, my mom emotionally abused me (picking on everything, hella gaslighting, stuff i've prob repressed) so i thought i'd weigh in.  though she has apologized and she's like, a good parent aside from that, i'll never forgive her.  i've just accepted that and kind of moved on.  like i don't waste energy, you know, it's just over.  of course it sucks, but what's there to do.  so yeah, i guess if you think there's no way they'll understand or make up for it or whatever, i recommend the 'move on' approach.  good luck.  

On 5/15/2020 at 9:54 PM, fagricipni said:

though, that is an interesting question: given that I haven't had any partners in over 5 years, to what extent is my bisexuality and polyamorousness truly a behavior rather than an attitude?

exactly!  i'm heterosexual and polyamorous and i've only ever been with one guy, but people accept that i'm straight (if that's what i choose to say for simplicity's sake--and i haven't told anyone i'm poly).  like, whether i'm involved with 0, 1, or more guys, i'm still aro and still poly.  i do find it odd that people define their orientation(s) by their behaviour, like "i'm straight because i date/have sex with guys," "i'm poly because i'm in a relationship with 2 people".  "if i kiss a girl am i bi?"  (my answer: well, not just because of that, but was your motivation to kiss her not attraction?)  similarly, i'm not aro because i don't date; i don't date because i'm aro, as in, without romantic attraction there's nothing leading me to want a romantic relationship.

anyway, to answer @hart watcher's question, i've told my parents and a couple close friends i'm aro, like in a sort of coming out moment, and besides that i just mention it if it comes up naturally, not purposely trying to reveal or hide it.

found another one!  'i'm not in love' by kelsey lu

https://youtu.be/Nsl4d2nOGg8

yes, it's normal, particularly in the early stages of the journey of identifying and living as an aromantic person.  i also dated someone to try to be allo, and cried when we broke up, but out of relief.  but i do remember thinking that since he was so great, if it didn't happen with him (romantic attraction/enjoyable romantic relationship), it wouldn't happen with anyone.  like that was the test, and the results were in.  i must echo you and the others by saying that you should continue to be aware of amatonormativity and the opportunities for happiness outside of romance, and i believe that when you're happy with your life because it makes sense for you, the lack of romance in it will seem like one of many positives, rather than a negative.  however, if you are genuinely interested in aspects of romantic relationships such as dates, physical and/or emotional closeness, or whatever, it is possible to have that with someone who understands that you're not romantically attracted to them, and isn't to you either, if that's something which would make you more comfortable--it is for me.  sometimes people ask me what my ideal relationship would look like, and i say it's not so much about what it would look like from the outside, or what activities it would involve/exclude (to some extent, sure), but how it would feel.  if it's that you want to actually experience romantic attraction, i suppose you know you just have to find peace with the probability that you won't.  i hope you do find that; it's a great feeling.

hey!  i'm pretty similar.  same age; i started identifying as aro at 17, after a long transition from denial, to maybe i'll call myself aro in my head but like i'm not committed, to acceptance.  and i've had squishes since i was young, and thought the ones on guys were crushes.  and i like your interests ?  the only difference is i've always been 100% sure i'm 100% heterosexual, but i also don't consider it a big deal.  i look forward to hearing more of your thoughts too.

this may not be a simple or surprising thing, but traveling.  i guess the thing is, i don't have to be doing a specific thing, like seeing popular attractions or whatever, just being in a different place is so cool to me.  i just walk around and get the feel of it.  i want to go everywhere.  i've heard that it's pretty common for americans to never leave the country, like not because of money or work or whatever but because they just don't feel like it, and that's crazy to me. 

aro heterosexual woman, ring finger is longer (but probably shorter than most of your baby fingers)

my best friend is all i'll ever need.  (i want sexual partners, but that's different--i mean for closeness/love.)  i want to live with her at some point, but i'm honestly fine with the idea of her finding a romantic partner/husband and living with him for life.  i want to be all over the world anyway, not in the same place for long.  and besides her, i'd prefer to live alone (i have a roommate due to circumstance, until next april.)  i've entertained ideas of asking my best friend for a qpr or some kind of like, unofficial friend-wedding, but i don't think anything would actually change; i don't want it to (except to see her more often).  as for my friends other than her, i'm happy to have them, of course, and i'll be happy to make new ones.  i feel like what i want i either already have or it's within reach.

listen to yourself.  if it's who you are or it's right for you, be honest with yourself and don't apologize.  that's the kind of freedom and peace you can't even explain.  if you want it, go get it, no time like the present.  if it's not making you happy, let it go.  sometimes you'll be unhappy for no reason.  get help.  it's ok to not be ok, and it won't always be like this.  god loves you and is with you always.  you're perfect.  i love you.  oh, and love allison the best way you know how, forever.  i hope you know how lucky you are.

1931

On 5/29/2020 at 9:48 PM, Kate Bishop best arrowace said:

I realized how miserable being in a relationship was making me.

2 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

If you have romance repulsions the reality of a relationship can be scarier than the worst horror movie. 

relatable.

just try to remember crushes and romantic relationships aren't the only fun/happy experience, or even the only sort you can have with another person.  idk whether you have or want squishes/qprs or sexual partners, but friends, surely.  pretty much anything you wish you could do with a romantic partner, you could do with a friend or qpp, and lots you can do alone.  and even if i try to imagine being allo (which, to be fair, i can't), i really can't imagine loving anyone more than my best friend--it's just the best love i could hope for.

@Holmbo yay!  good video.

to me it doesn't even sound like it was something you wanted to happen, based on the following:

15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

this’ll be awkward

15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

I don’t care about the kiss I’m aroace remember

15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

I wasn’t like ooh I want to kiss him

as well as that you seemed more "upset" that you might have hurt his feelings than anything.

and when you said:

15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

also if I was into anyone he would be the type, like he was really pretty

did you mean you weren't into him?  and if not him, surely no one?

all this is just my interpretation.  but as others pointed out, even if you were neutral/unsure or favourable about the situation in the dream, it doesn't necessarily reflect real-life attraction.  sometimes we do or think about things out of curiosity and/or a feeling of obligation rather than because we particularly want to.  (i mean in real life, but the dream could have been a sort of exploration of curiosity.)  i got into a romantic relationship for that reason, and i'm definitely aro.  but as always, try not to worry or feel a need to be totally sure of or unchanging in your identity.

cool!  makes sense, considering, as @Mark pointed out, we didn't hear much of romance in the west until relatively recently either.  and i'm sure i'd be interested to read the book and consider from my perspectives as heterosexual, aro, feminist, 'non-traditional' woman, and all that.  hey, you know what would be neat?  if a few of us read it so we could have more discussions, maybe even chapter-by-chapter.  like a book club, or like we used to do in school ?

hey!  this is the only forum i've ever been on, i like it, and i hope you will too.  is your title a john mulaney reference or am i overthinking it?

there are a few.  here's the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WYjo-Wrd2w&t=1617s

and here are some moments with approximate times to cut them off:

26:24-26:52 allison says she's never been in love (i also just really like this part because of how she talks about her passion/future career--i know exactly how she feels)

37:25-37:42 her mom says she wants allison to fall in love and get married, allison objects

42:58-43:04 "i'm never going to get married; i'm just going to have lovers" (the surrounding scene is sort of a conversation between her and norman about relationships and sex, and they kiss without being romantically involved, but it's too long for a 'moment'--just if you want to watch for interest's sake)

2:08:39-2:08:50 "...and kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over me"

i watched a movie with a character i relate to so much!  allison mackenzie from peyton place (1957).  for reference, she narrates at an unknown age the story which includes her 18th birthday and presumably at least one more.  she's almost definitely aromantic (though she wouldn't be able to call it that) and heterosexual.  she plans not to get married, but to "have lovers".  she likes to "kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over (her)".  she's happy to live on her own, pursue her dream career (writing), and socialize.  there's a guy she's kind of involved with; we see them talk, kiss, swim at the lake, and after going their separate ways, meet unexpectedly on a train and agree to have dinner together.  there's no indication that they end up as long-term partners, or even (as far as i could see) that either likes the other romantically.  we do see other couples who are definitely married or in committed relationships, leading me to believe that if they were, it would be equally explicit.  oh, and she has a single mom--she was the "mistress" of a married man who died when allison was 2.  she ends up in a committed relationship with a nice man, so it doesn't seem like allison's preferences are supposed to be influenced by her mom's ~scandalous~ past.  she clearly values love, as she begins the story by describing the four seasons and adding: "but there was a fifth season, of love.  and only the wise or the lucky ones knew where to find it."  the end of the movie is the end of her narration: "we'd finally discovered that season of love.  it is only found in someone else's heart.  right now, someone you know is looking everywhere for it.  and it's in you."  which btw i think is really lovely even without the specifically non-romantic context i'm giving it.  so yeah, that was super cool.  i watch almost exclusively old movies and i can say that especially for the time, the movie was very bold.  wasn't afraid to get into serious/controversial topics and discussions, including premarital/casual sex, and--if you're thinking of watching it, trigger warning--rape, murder (self-defense), and suicide.  heavy, but good.

ohh man.  yup.  it was with my first and only boyfriend.  we were 17.  we'd already been dating for a couple weeks and i guess i'd been avoiding it.  we were on my couch, we'd finished watching something, i sensed him looking at me and i purposely kept looking forward lmao i wasn't exactly sure what was up but i was uncomfortable, as usual.  then he kissed me on the cheek and i was like, ok fine, so i turned and kissed him.  i guess i was like, if this is happening, it's gonna be as non-romantic (ie sexual) as possible, so it was like full-on making out.  i remember after he left i was like, ok that was cool.  when we kissed normally, like a quick kiss goodbye or whatever, i was not so thrilled.  because i perceive that as romantic/perfunctory.  these respective feelings are still the same, but now i understand and accept them.  since then, i've just made out with a few guys, including him again.

it's up to you how you feel about it.  some aroaces see romantic and sexual attraction--or their lack of it--as connected; some see them as separate and they lack both.  i imagine that would influence how they perceive their feelings about sex and romance.  i obviously can't weigh in.

i'm so glad you found great friends and an understanding of your identity!  it certainly is a relief.

sounds like you guys have a good plan!  i wouldn't know how to help except to edit; my spelling and grammar are near perfect, if i may say so.  and @nonmerci, i'd love to read your translation, just out of interest, since i'm fluent enough to read it but not to write it.