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aro_elise

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Posts posted by aro_elise

  1. yeah i'm not sure i'm very good at describing it.  have you heard the analogy to a craving for a certain food?  i think it's the best one there is.  it can really vary, like i can just see someone briefly and think he's hot and that's it, not think any more about it, or it can be very strong attraction, which involves explicit sexual thoughts, physical sensations like arousal and a sort of fluttery feeling in my chest, and sexual frustration (either i can't have him at all or if i am sleeping with him then outside of those very moments i think about it a lot).  also i sometimes get nervous when interacting with someone i find sexually attractive, which doesn't happen with just aesthetic attraction.

  2. no such novels featuring adult female characters come to mind but there are coming-of-age ones like a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith and invitation to the waltz by rosamond lehmann, and then there are non-fiction feminist works like the second sex by simone de beauvoir, the feminine mystique by betty friedan, and a room of one's own by virginia woolf.  note that all of these are 60-100 years old (i read mostly classic literature) but i think it's really helpful to have that perspective and i absolutely recommend these to everyone.

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  3. why do i use the 'aromantic' label?  well, because it describes my experience.  it would no matter what word was used, so i might as well use the accurate one.  you know what they say: "aros by any other name..."  

     

    full disclosure, not completely original, i saw a similar punchline with a totally different setup.

    in case you're not familiar, the expression is "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," meaning we make up and assign words to things, but the things are what they are regardless.    

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  4. when you're briefly startled whenever you're reminded people have romantic partners.  the particular moment i'm thinking of is when the guy i'm sleeping with mentioned an ex of his and i was like, oh right, it would be more surprising if he didn't have any.  but yeah it happens pretty much every time.  

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  5. the first time i went to pride (with my lesbian friend and her queer friends, including another aro) i was so nervous.  which is silly because anyone's allowed to go.  like it's on public streets.  but anyway.  if you mean in general, do i feel that other people consider me to be lgbt+?  sometimes.  but i consider myself to be, so there we are.

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  6. 11 hours ago, Loveless Lizard said:

    also my cousin finds a way to mention her in practically every conversation. We’ll be talking about books and he’ll say something like “you know what else is magical? [friends name]” yeah she’s awesome but we were talking about wizards

    yes!  i've known people like this.  the cringy thing is, i feel like in grade 12 i lowkey did that--"my boyfriend" this, "my boyfriend" that.  i was pleased with myself for my achievement in amatonormativity, lol.  but the older you are, the weirder it is.

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  7. On 3/9/2023 at 1:36 AM, Atypique said:

    I don't really mind killing... However f*ck or marry ? Aha... I'll just marry the aroest person I know... And fake f*ck someone ?

    i hope you don't mean irl lol.  i mean, if my options were like, the hottest, the most delightful, and the most horrible person ever (hmm...david cassidy, lucille ball, josef stalin), sure, the choice would be clear, but the point of the game is it's supposed to be somewhat difficult.  once in university someone asked me to choose out of three women in our friend group and i managed to name the most aesthetically attractive, then my closer friend, then the remaining one, but i just don't find making unpleasant choices fun, like "would you rather" where you have to pick the less objectionable scenario, i'm like "neither.  i'll cross that bridge when i get to it." 🤷‍♀️

  8. On 3/5/2023 at 1:01 AM, frittatacrisis said:

    edit: i’m realizing that this is my ace side showing…

    i was going to say.  but let’s talk about f***, marry, kill: first of all, i don’t want to marry or kill anyone!

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  9. no, i just find it weird to touch people without permission especially if you're not close with them.  i don't think i felt differently before i realized how uncomfortable i was with romantic touch (during my romantic relationship)--i don't think anything much happened before that, you know, besides hugging family and friends.

  10. i definitely subconsciously felt pressure to date in high school.  much less to have sex, though, probably since it wasn't something many of my friends/peers were doing--and after high school i didn't care what others were doing.  people are weird about it though, virginity past a certain age.  my parents and i don't talk about it at all, like i haven't acknowledged to them that i've ever had sex, but the only thing my mom ever said about it, when i was younger, was not to feel pressured to do it because other people were.  if only i'd heard the same advice about dating.  i feel that there's a lot more pressure regarding that.  like, people are more likely to understand that you're not comfortable with sex, compared to with romance--they're more likely to see the latter as a problem.  i'd be interested to hear an aro ace perspective.  anyway, i don't totally feel like an adult but that's not because of my aromanticism.  navigating adult life outside of the framework of a romantic partnership (or the pursuit of one) may be a strange concept to allos, but to me, of course, it's natural. 

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  11. the feminine mystique by betty friedan is great.  i would consider it essential reading for any feminist (which should be everyone) but it's also interesting to look at it through the lens of amatonormativity: you really see how intertwined it is with sexism.  and on the bright side, you see that though there's still a ways to go, we've come quite an astonishing way in 60 years.  

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  12. ooh i vividly remember when i came out to my parents, though it was over 7 years ago.  i was also nervous even though they're cool.  give them the words, tell them what they mean.  tell them this is how you feel--can give some detail about how you came to identify this way, how long it took to explore/accept, etc. to illustrate that it's not some whim.  explain that it's an orientation, not an attitude/choice regarding relationships.  (my mom said, without bad intentions, something to the effect that she "wasn't too worried about dating at 17 either".  not the same as being aro.)  maybe put it in terms they can understand, like "you know how you (mom) aren't attracted to men, and you (dad) aren't attracted to women?  yeah, me either."  lol something like that.  and the last thing is not something which can happen in that one conversation: time.  like, my parents have now seen me living my life as an aro person for many years, it's not just something i've said, it's something i've done.  you know?  best wishes.

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  13. you sound quite a bit like me.  in other words, i mean, i can't be the one to decide this, but since you're asking i will say you sound like you could well be on the aro spectrum.  really the only question is "do you experience romantic attraction?"  another thing: any time someone talks about not understanding romance except as a combination of friendship and sex, that registers to me as a sign.  because to alloromantics, it is a unique thing.  (that's why "relationship"/"partner" and "friends with benefits" are different terms, for example, or even for allo aces, "partner" and "best friend".)  what you said about sexual attraction and sex without love--i can absolutely relate, but what you said about the reverse, i can't, because for one thing, monogamy doesn't make sense to me so the situation of having a life partner with whom i didn't have sex and therefore couldn't at all wouldn't happen, and, more to the point, i wouldn't have a life partner at all because i'm aro and not interested in a qpr either (not sure whether you're familiar with the concept of queerplatonic relationships?  i'd also suggest looking into that of relationship anarchy.  and as @hemogoblin pointed out, aromanticism is not a prerequisite for these.)  i "can't imagine falling in love with someone i don't want to have sex with" any more or less than i can imagine falling in love at all.  i suppose i'm saying this in case it helps you realize anything about what those feelings mean in terms of your orientation, idk.  as we always say here, it's ok not to choose an identity label or to choose one with the understanding that it could be temporary, but as i always say, i know having a way to describe it is helpful and being confident in it is nice.  though either way you're ahead of me in terms of even hearing of aromanticism at that age.  to be frank, i don't think a ton of people hear of it, feel a possible connection to it, research and introspect further, identify with it, and then turn out to be totally allo, just as not many actually straight people have such a period of questioning being gay for no reason.  i guess stranger things have happened, but...well, just a thought.  if i can be of any more help, i'd be glad to try.

  14. i wanted to do a poll but i wasn't sure how to categorize.  just curious how you guys feel about touch--what kinds, with whom, under what circumstances.  i'll go first.  basically, overall i'm neutral at best.  like you know how for some people it's a "love language"--a way to express/receive affection, well, for me that doesn't really make sense.  obviously anything in a romantic context is super uncomfortable, but as for platonic/familial, it mostly just feels unnecessary.  occasional hugging, sure, if we're quite close.  cuddling, no.  someone putting their arm around me for comfort, no.  if we're not close, anything feels kind of weird, like if an acquaintance touches my arm (you know how some people do that casually, as if to help convey what they're saying) i'll be a bit thrown off; it would never occur to me to do that.  i suppose people may find it odd that i find these things rather too intimate but am favourable toward sexual acts including with strangers (as long as i'm attracted to them), but i don't see it as incongruous because they're totally different situations.  

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  15. fashion design.  like how soulmates are described--indeed, like how my best friend and i found each other--it felt like predestination rather than choice.  i could list more but at some point on the scale from 'makes my heart glow' to 'mildly entertains me' i'll leave the 'passion' territory so i'll name just one more thing without which life would seem incomplete: travel.

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  16. 1 hour ago, Frogrobin said:

    Aaaaaaa I love twenty one pilots

    they were the first band i got into, in 2015.  my taste is heavier now but they'll always have a special place in my heart.  i know all their stuff up to/including trench by heart.  tyler's a great lyricist.

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