aro_elise

i'm glad it went well and that you feel better.  i remember feeling similarly--relief is the first word which comes to mind--and i cried.  my mom thought it was from sadness.  well, i'm glad i could help.  don't feel too badly for her; it's not your fault.

hey, i've been there.  relationship, confusion, discomfort, semi-panic, and all.  i can't tell you what the case is for you personally but i can offer some ideas.

1. sounds aro to me.  the main indicator is that you didn't seem to mind platonic intimacy.  also, speaking just of the romantic sort, i understand 'fear of intimacy' to mean you desire it but have difficulty engaging in it--there's a sort of conflict--whereas in your case you don't seem to desire it in the first place, and when engaging in it or seeing it you seem more uncomfortable and confused than anything else.  that's me for sure.  i like to make the same distinction when people think aros are just afraid of commitment.  first of all, my best friend and i have been friends since we were 6 and have promised to be for life--that seems pretty committed.  second, if we're talking about romantic relationships, it's not that i want to commit to one but struggle to--i simply don't want one, committed or otherwise.  

2. pretty much just tell her how you feel.  if you have decided to identify as aromantic, i would suggest saying so and explaining the meaning.  even if you're not sure, i suppose.  then talk about what that means for you specifically, like what you're uncomfortable with.  most importantly, assure her you do like her and want to be friends, it's just your orientation and feelings about romantic relationships in general.  this is what i did when i told my boyfriend at the time--actually, we continued dating for a couple months after (idk man, it was a complicated time), and when we broke up, i reiterated that it wasn't specifically him i didn't want to date, it was everyone--anyway, i think it was good.  as good as it could have been.  if your girlfriend does indeed love and care about you she'll appreciate your honesty, respect your orientation and feelings, and want to maintain your friendship.  i definitely think it's best to be honest, and to do it sooner rather than later.

good luck.

On 9/27/2019 at 4:06 AM, nonmerci said:

Also, I don't really care of my sexual attraction, I don't see it as a huge part of my identity. But aromanticism is more important in my life. Probably because I always saw sex as a weird sport I don't want to practice, but I saw romance as a way of life (no offense to allosexual, I suppose you don't see things like that). I think that I would see sex differently if I was aro allo too. So it must leads me to view this as separate.

i see what you mean, actually, i don't consider my sexuality that important either.  being interested in guys is kind of like being moderately interested in other things, like, not my favourite things, but things i like.  

depression.  i also put neurodiverse (although i think it's 'neurodivergent') because it's defined as having a brain which functions differently from an average, healthy brain.  with chronic depression, that's what's happening.  and about 7% of people have it.  if that weren't enough, i'm gifted, which only about 2% of people are.  so that's unhealthy, and above average.  

yeah, aromantic heterosexual.  when i don't feel like coming out i just say straight, but people who know me well know that's not quite it.  as i said in my poll, the two parts of my identity are quite distinct from each other, but also, like, i'm very aro and very heterosexual, like on the ends of the respective spectrums, so it's like, how else would i possibly identify?  both labels fit me perfectly.

On 9/25/2019 at 9:44 AM, nonmerci said:

I think about it as separate,  even if I am both ace and aro. As thought about these attractions as separate in general. 

interesting, i wondered whether there would be anyone like that.

you know, i was in this club in high school called spectrum, like a gsa.  one time, asexuality and aromanticism came up--i wasn't out, i believe this was during my denial period--and the club leader (student teacher, straight) asked the difference.  i tried to explain, talking about the different types of attraction, and she just said "to me it's the same."  and i was thinking '???'

i call myself straight, like in my head, but i'm hesitant to say it to others.  my friend--the only person irl who has my permission to call me straight--has called me "straight but not" as well as "queer".  she's gay btw.  i'd be interested to hear whether any aros have the same problems with terms like gay, lesbian, bi, or pan.

i'm curious about your experiences with this, so please vote and comment!  i'm not sure how well i phrased the questions and options, though; you'll see why when i list and explain my own answers:

1. i've always been sure of my sexual orientation.  i've always identified as completely heterosexual, never questioned it.  even when i experienced squishes or aesthetic attraction toward girls but didn't even know what to call them, i correctly identified the feelings and didn't worry about it.

2. no.  i learned about aromanticism and the split attraction model at the same time, and essentially thought 'ok i'm definitely heterosexual, and i'd assumed i was heteroromantic, though not in those words...but could i be aromantic?'  and so it began.

3. separate.  i don't see how sexual and romantic attraction have anything to do with each other.  like, not just in my own case, but in general--i don't understand.  (i mean, i don't really understand romantic attraction in the first place, but...)  if i were asked to name my orientation in one word, i wouldn't know what to say, because i have two.  i don't even like when people call me straight, because that implies 'heterosexual and heteroromantic'.  you guys can, though--the rules don't apply to my fellow aros. ?

so yeah, chime in, and feel free to ask more questions! ✌️

hmm i'd say i was neutral before i discovered i was aro.  i just didn't think much about romance, whether in media or in my own future, it was just like, whatever.  but afterwards, particularly after i'd been in a romantic relationship and knew how i really felt about it, it became more noticeable.  like if i saw people doing something romantic, i would think about doing it myself and how uncomfortable it was/would surely be.  and once you're aware of amatonormativity you can't help but notice how pervasive it is.  so yeah, i'm mostly repulsed now, not to the extent you described, and i can enjoy the very occasional romantic story if it's well-written, but i generally dislike it for sure.

yeah, i told my parents and a few close friends several months after i started identifying as aro at 17, and plenty more people since then.  like, the very first person i told was my boyfriend at the time, and we broke up a couple months later, so partly it was part of my explanation to other people--not that i owed them one, but whatever.  and i used to be apprehensive too, but it gets easier every time, i mean not accounting for the fact that the responses may not improve.  overall, though, they've been good.  but if you don't feel the need to come out, that's totally fine, it's up to you.

it's absolutely possible.  i'm only 21 but i like my romance-free life so far and i know i want it to stay that way in the future as surely as i know anything.  i look forward to everything i'll be able to do without a romantic partner or kids holding me back.

3 hours ago, sneakers said:

it's like I've hacked the system: do you mean I can get sex and friendship and connections, and yet NOT be in a relationship? Do you mean I won't have to find a partner EVER if I dont want to???

haha yeah, pretty cool, right?  

@LBMango i'm aro, heterosexual, and poly, too!  also more in theory than anything.  to address the questions, i actually have no problem with my orientations or with acting on my attraction, and anyone who has a problem with me can work it out on their own.  i do have a problem with the association of sex with romance and i feel like i'll pretty much always be apprehensive about sexual relations because of it--you know, the possibility of them being romantically attracted to me or whatever.  that's the only thing i'm worried about "dealing with".

relatable.  my ideal relationship, besides purely platonic friendship, would be with a friend to whom i'm sexually attracted.  i used to think that was a crush, too; since finding out that's not exactly the case, i've realized i've never had a crush.  i definitely "felt kind of awkward" during the supposedly romantic relationship i had.  take your time to identify however you want, but i'll say that you sound aro to me.

i relate to a lot of what you said.  i particularly liked this:

6 hours ago, Carasel said:

I'd always assumed that romantic relationships were basically friends with benefits, only more dramatic. 

 

but yeah, the attraction you feel could be sexual, platonic (known as a 'squish' rather than a crush), or a combination; i've experienced all.  just because these may have things in common with romantic crushes, such as thinking about the person a lot, being excited to see them, wanting to be closer or more intimate with them, etc., it doesn't mean it's romantic.  and btw, the longer you identify as aro, if you do, the easier it'll become to recognize and accept what you're feeling, but the self-doubt brought on largely by amatonormativity may never fully disappear.  i currently have a 'sexual crush' and i have had thoughts like 'oh it could be a crush' but i know it's not romantic, it's nothing new--you just have to be conscious of how you really feel, because that's all which matters.  i understand finding a word for your orientation is helpful, and if you want to id as aro, or on the spectrum, even to sort of try it out, see how it feels (i did that for a few months before i got comfortable with it) then absolutely go for it.      

you shouldn't have to cover them; it's your body and it's not against any rules so it's so your choice.  i don't care whether my cuts are visible when i have them.  i'm not in high school but when i was, i knew a guy who had scars and i never saw anyone comment or anything.  totally up to you. 

hey!  i had a hard time with it at first, too, but now, about 4 years in, i could hardly be happier.  i hope you feel the same way soon. ?

5 hours ago, personallypantastic said:

I like Dan and Phil (they're like comfort viewing) I also like Watts the Safeword, and Thomas Sanders, Jessica Kellgren-Folzard, and I'm just getting into Lovely Lor. Generally I like to watch videos of people being happy and having fun.

dan and phil are my absolute favourites; i'm a huge, longtime fan.  i didn't list them since they only came out recently, as i'm sure you know--i'm super proud of them, by the way--but yeah, i love them so much.  and i've seen a few of jessica's videos because her style is the same one in which i design (i'm a fashion design student).

in short, yes, you're aro if you think you're aro.  but i will say that your experiences sound quite similar to mine.  i'm 21, but i think if i were ever going to experience romantic attraction it would have happened by now.  but if it does happen in the future, then ok, i'm gray or demi or whatever.  but i don't think so.  and i don't think there's much to be done about others' opinions of certain relationships or orientations; i just don't worry about them.  oh, and the aro flag is nice enough but i wouldn't say it's my favourite.  still got serious aro pride, though. 

the only criterion for being aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction.  that shouldn't be assumed to be related to other aspects of your personality or morality, because it's not those things; it's an orientation.  personally, i care a lot about friendship, and i do get squishes, but i also have instances of purely sexual attraction--i have one right now--and i don't feel worse about it.  i totally agree with much of what's been said by the other respondents.  as long as you don't mistreat or deceive people, you're fine.  

6 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I never think about it, also the word in not the same in French so it may be why I don't mind and think as it just as a status (aka not in couple).

celibataire, right?  i actually dislike that more, because it's like the english celibate, which describes abstinence from sex, usually for life, usually but not necessarily for religious reasons.  and that's not the same thing as being single at all.  i don't have big problems with single, the only thing is it seems to describe a temporary status, like not dating anyone right now, not married yet, etc.  like the fact that i'm currently single is seen as no big deal but the fact that i've been single for almost 4 years and will be for long periods for the rest of my life would surprise many.  but whatever.  

i have a white shirt with a heart with the aro flag stripes in it.  and a maple leaf sticker (canadian) with the stripes on my laptop.

Soulmate by Lizzo!  Not my usual taste in music at all but the lyrics are great, you gotta check it out.  Self-love with a side of feminism ?

yeah, platonic/queerplatonic is a squish.  personally, when i have a squish + sexual attraction i call it an aro crush.  ?  i randomly said it once and just stuck with it.  if it's just sexual attraction i don't call it anything, i just say he's hot or whatever.  i believe 'crush' is usually romantic + sexual but could also be just romantic (like allo aces would use it, right?), but you can use whatever words you like.

pretty repulsed.  being on the receiving end of romantic affection or even attraction makes me uncomfortable, as does pretending to reciprocate it--i don't do that anymore and i'm not open to a romantic relationship even if there are other aspects of it i would enjoy.  as for other couples and fiction, it's not a huge deal, usually just kind of weird, boring, or annoying.

1 hour ago, Ace Of Hugs said:

Alfred Hitchcock (the grand master of psychological horror)

he sure is.  i came here to recommend my favourite: dial m for murder.