aro_elise

i experience strong platonic attraction/love.  for squishes, it's kind of similar to how i've heard crushes described, in that i'm excited to be around them and think about them a lot.  no butterflies, just like, 'cool!  there they are!'  for my best friend of 15 years, it's this wonderful, comfortable, peaceful love, like i know it'll last forever.  but it also overwhelms me sometimes just to feel how strong it is.  and yeah, i value friendship very highly too.  i can't quite tell how your experiences compare, but they do sound like some sort of platonic love.

i'm not sure whether you mean you're aroace or like, if there were someone you were/could be sexually attracted to but they show romantic attraction toward you, you become repulsed by the idea of not just romance but also sex with them.  i'm going to comment on the latter.  i think i'm kind of like that.  when i was dating my ex, we didn't do much sexual stuff and even now in retrospect it's hard for me to figure out to what degree that was because i was freaked out about the whole romantic situation vs i just wasn't ready regardless.  a bit of both.  4 years later (recently), we hooked up.  before and after, i was vaguely concerned that his romantic attraction to me might sort of return, and after, when he showed what i interpreted as somewhat romantic affection, i was romance-repulsed.  (i don't know whether he intended it to be romantic, sexual, or something else, and it doesn't much matter.  we later agreed to be--for lack of a better word--"just" friends.)  obviously my concerns weren't big enough to deter me from doing it once, but yeah.  so hypothetically, if i were sexually attracted to someone (with whom i don't have a complicated history) and i found out he was romantically attracted to me, would that change?  i don't think so.  i'd be apprehensive but not sex-repulsed.  like this:

On 4/17/2020 at 10:20 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

mood killers is the perfect word for what I was trying to work out. Romance issues are more like mood killers than triggers for sexual repulsion

so yeah, it seems they can definitely be at least related in some way for many of us.

apparently i've voted some time ago but not commented, so here i am now.

hugs: i think i said sometimes.  i never dislike them, but as a greeting between not particularly close friends/family, it's like, whatever, just social convention.  with those i love, it's nice.

kisses: sometimes.  if it's sexual, like making out, then yes.  obviously with someone i'm sexually attracted to.  otherwise no.

cuddling: no.  i see it as a romantic thing, and didn't like it with my ex.  i doubt i would with friends either, it just seems unnecessary and inconvenient.

i don't remember ever particularly liking the idea of romance, but now that i've experienced a romantic relationship and been identifying as aro for like 4 1/2 years, i'm much more aware of it and sometimes repulsed by it.  i guess..before i knew, when i saw or read romantic stuff it was like i couldn't relate yet, and i just didn't think much of it it, didn't notice amatonormativity.  now, it's like i can't relate, period, and i can't escape it, you know?  on a few shows, a character has done something nice for their friend whom they used to date, or hope to, and i wonder whether they did it out of true friendship or romantic attraction, like hoping to impress them and get (back) together with them or whatever.  because if that were the intention of anyone i considered a friend, i'd feel kind of deceived and definitely disappointed.  but anyway, yeah, i think it's different now for all of us.

i was thinking that too, how my not wanting a romantic relationship or marriage (or kids) is criticized or dismissed because women are supposed to want those things.

the type of attraction you seem to be describing is aesthetic.  for some people, it can lead to sexual and/or romantic attraction, but simply thinking someone is nice-looking doesn't equate to that.  like when i find a woman aesthetically attractive, that's all it is.  there's also platonic attraction, which is basically wanting to be friends or queerplatonic partners with someone, and many aros experience squishes, which are sometimes compared to crushes, but platonic.  this is where the 'thinking about them a lot' may come in.  i suppose the person's appearance could be a factor, but it tends to be based on personality.  if you are aro, that doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship or experience love.  just probably not romantic.  but there is an arospec identity term for those who don't experience romantic attraction but desire romantic relationships: cupioromantic.  hope that helps somewhat.

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hey!  you're right, it's amatonormativity, you know yourself, and it doesn't matter if it's different in the future.  we all have those thoughts at some point, especially in the beginning.  i'm glad people are supportive of you. and i hope you like it here; i do.

pie.  because it's kind of in the same category as cake.  and also because it's my favourite dessert and i'm aro so therefore pie is aro culture. ?

I hope I covered the options--pick the closest to how you feel and explain if you like. 

I don't want either.

Prefer poly but open to mono.  My ideal relationship would be an open triad, with two guys of course.  But I also love being single.  

On 1/22/2020 at 8:36 PM, Coyote said:

It could be, for all I know, that some people do completely and unambiguously sort all the people they encounter between the categories of "sexy" and "would never feel like making physical contact with at all,"

Aside from hugging (platonic or familial), that’s me.  I classify all other physical affection as sexual or romantic.  I have no concept of sensual.  

On 1/22/2020 at 8:36 PM, Coyote said:

Especially since each thing -- like "kissing" -- can be done in a lot of different ways.

Right, to me, certain types are sexual and others are romantic and once it crosses that line I’m like, nope, not doing that with anyone. 

@LBMango as for your other examples, I consider cuddling romantic, sexy touching and kinky activities sexual, and I only want professional massages.  And I’ll add hand-holding: romantic. 

So yeah, I can’t tell you how to perceive it, but I can easily tell you how I do, and answer any further questions.  

they can be.  i'd say all friendships are platonic relationships but not all platonic relationships are friendships.  because 'relationship' can have different connotations.  on one hand, they may lack something friendships have, like closeness.  like how a professional relationship is one between colleagues, pro and client, etc. and a familial relationship is one between family members, even extended, and not necessarily a close or positive relationship.  so i might say an acquaintance and i have a platonic relationship, since it's not quite friendship but it's not any other type.  (i might refer to them as my friend for simplicity's sake.)  on the other hand, 'relationship' could be used in the sense of like 'being in a relationship,' like a qpr.  of course that's also difficult to define, but i believe we can pretty much agree it's different from friendship.  so someone might say "(qpp) and i are in a relationship; (friend) and i are not".  and that relationship may have something friendships tend to lack, like exclusivity, commitment, cohabitation, more physical affection...mostly things generally associated with romantic relationships, as i understand.  i will say that i have or want most of those things with my best friend but wouldn't call her my qpp because first of all, i don't consider the latter term to necessarily indicate higher importance than the former, and second, i don't think it matters what we call it, regardless.  but yeah, basically i consider 'platonic relationship' to describe a wider range of relationships than 'friendship'.

11 hours ago, NullVector said:

So, too queer for straight relationships and too straight for queer spaces ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yup.  i can't exactly relate to either group.  

and idk how to like, satisfy both aspects of my orientation.  i suppose that's a split attraction thing.

i also imagine we experience aromanticism differently from aro aces.

yes, i feel loved most of all by myself, also by my best friend, and other friends and family.  i do find it odd that that's such a common reassurance because to me it was never a concern, but i guess for many people it is?  i think my problem with it is that i don't think it should be emphasized as a reason to consider oneself worthy (as @LBMango mentioned) or to stay alive, etc.  i mean, one of my reasons is that i want to share my life with my best friend, but not the only one, and idk, the phrasing seems weird, like i wouldn't say life is worth living ~because she loves me~.  like i'm not depressed because i don't feel loved or worthy, i'm just depressed.

12 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Also : I used to think about my wedding. And was I discover  I was sad… not beacause I will never have a husband, I don't mind, I never think about him… but the dress, the meal and the cake? My dream of the perfect wedding dinner, vanished. It hurts.

same!  i never thought about my future husband, just the wedding.  i still do imagine what kind i'd like.  i just love fancy parties and stuff.  the venue, the flowers, the champagne.  and i'm a future fashion designer and i'd love to design and wear a beautiful wedding dress.  i'd choose a winter wedding, it's my favourite season, i think the snow is so lovely.  and i'd have it in some grand ballroom, or hey, since it's hypothetical, why not a palace?  someplace in europe, i suppose; we don't really have them here.  oh, it would be the most delightful affair.  well, i suppose it would cost a few million dollars, so even if i were to get married...  

12 hours ago, metelyk said:

But I think there are many other life milestones that can be celebrated with a big party like a wedding Maybe not as extravagant or expensive, but nothing says you can't celebrate things like buying a new house with a nice dinner and cake.

that's true.  obviously i want an extravagant and expensive event, but i'll take what i can get.

but you know, i do think it's rather unfair that people get wedding gifts, like nice dishes and stuff, but single people don't.  surely they need them more, since they don't have a partner's finances to share?  and then there are bridal showers and bachelorette parties and baby showers (i'm thinking of the stuff for women) and more gifts.  and honeymoons.  

i know how you feel, it's very unfortunate and rather confusing that people feel the need to argue with something which doesn't concern them.  you're not trying to tell them how to feel, so why should they do that to you?  it's no more more likely that i'll be romantically attracted to a man one day than be romantically or sexually attracted to a woman, or that these jokers picking on us--assuming they're straight--will be attracted to a woman.  i think it's hard for them to understand split attraction, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  i don't understand romantic attraction, but i believe people experience it, just not me.  if that upsets other people so much, that's their problem.  i know it's annoying to not be taken seriously, i hate it too, but if you know yourself and what you want, that's what matters.

i've been there.  it's important to understand that someone else's feelings for you are absolutely not your fault.  if you wanted to be friends with someone and they didn't, would you blame them?  would they blame you?  i mean, i think i'm a grand friend to have, but i can't be everyone's cup of tea.  it's very rare that two people have identical feelings toward each other.  it's better that you broke up with him sooner rather than later, like i did; sacrificing your comfort and leading him to believe you wanted to stay together would have been worse for both of you.  i agree that his reaction was disproportionate to the duration of your relationship; i don't consider someone to be close to me until we've known each other for at least a couple years, and even then, if we don't stay in each other's lives forever, well, what can you expect?  i'm sure you'll both find someone more compatible with you and what you want in a relationship.

On 12/5/2019 at 3:16 AM, Sababylon said:

"Not every asexual is aromantic,"

and not every aromantic is asexual.  everyone has a sexual and romantic orientation, which may or may not be the same.  when i watched that episode (i already identified as aro) and i heard the word 'aromantic' i had to pause it and scream.  i didn't think i'd hear it on tv in my lifetime.

19 hours ago, lonelyace said:

Have you considered that you may be whatever the aromantic equivalent of polyamerous is?

you can be aro and polyamorous!  i am.

ok, first i must emphasize that aromanticism is not a "problem or insecurity"; it's an orientation.  in fact, if you need to "feel better about yourself" because your girlfriend has a life outside of her relationship with you, that sounds rather like insecurity on your part.  she doesn't experience romantic attraction and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.  she may well love you, but not romantically, so you have to decide whether you're ok with that.  and to me--and probably every other aro--it makes perfect sense that someone she's been close to for only a few months wouldn't be as important as her longtime friends; if you were, her friends would be justified in feeling quite offended.  if you want my honest perspective, i don't think the relationship is going to work.  speaking from experience, i had a boyfriend for 8 months, he's a great guy, we were friends before and we're friends still, but while we were dating i was super distant and uncomfortable with romantic affection.  most people would have dumped me pretty quickly (and maybe that would have been better) but he just accommodated my needs, or lack thereof.  6 months in i told him i was aro (i'd been struggling to accept it myself before then) and he tried even more earnestly to understand and make sure i was comfortable with everything we did.  he did everything right and i still couldn't deal with it.  now, as i say, this was a time when i was struggling with my feelings about my identity, whereas now that i'm comfortable with it and i know my boundaries and everything, i would be better able to navigate a non-platonic relationship if i wanted to.  so my optimistic perspective on your situation is that if both of you want to make it work then it's worth a try.  and my advice to anyone in any type of relationship is to communicate.  sorry if this sounded rude--that's never my intention--but i imagine you didn't come here expecting someone to offer a magical solution in which you change your girlfriend but not yourself and everyone's happy about it.  best wishes.

On 11/17/2019 at 11:30 AM, Mezzo Forte said:

I also used to say that music was the love of my life, and that I’d love to marry my job, and people always reacted with pity, saying “that’s so sad!” I don’t get what’s sad about loving your craft, or what’s sad about not seeking a romantic partner, so those interactions were mostly just confusing.

i think that's an artist thing; i'm in fashion design and i feel the same way.  i was born for this, i've always known, and i can't imagine my life without it.  the thing i'm most upset about missing due to not getting married is designing and wearing my dress.  i also find it sad when people choose their career just for money, stability, etc. and say "work isn't something you're supposed to like"--yes it is, wtf!

ethical vegan for over 4 years, veg for 10 before that.  the transition was the best decision of my life.

a fellow old movie fan, cool!  i keep track of all the movies from 1925-75 i've seen, with a goal of reaching 500, and i've already surpassed 100.  do you have a favourite movie, actor, director, or anything?

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