aro_elise

yes, it's about attraction to a specific person.  like i could be horny and want to do certain sexual things with some hypothetical partner(s) (because they're enjoyable), but if there's no one i'm attracted to--and that's likely, because i'm very picky--oh well, not happening.  also, i could find someone attractive, but there could be some reason i don't want to have sex with him, like if he's an unpleasant person, or i know we're sexually incompatible.  but you can't help finding them hot, like you know those women who say crap like "men are proof that sexuality isn't a choice"--to be clear, i think that's a weird, sexist thing to say even as a joke and i would not change my orientation if i could--but it does illustrate the same point.

like just enjoying your own company?  i definitely do.  for the past year i've been living alone at my cottage where i don't have friends and it's been nice enough, i miss the city itself more than the socialization i did back there (though that too, to an extent).  while i love hanging out with my best friend and sometimes enjoy bigger/more lively parties or whatever, i'm definitely more of an introvert, i'm independent, and i'm my favourite person, so i'm never lonely.  i would imagine that aros in general would tend to feel this way.  like i think there are people--aros and allos--who prefer to socialize simply because they're extroverts, and then there are people who are always jumping from one social event/relationship to another because they can't stand to spend time with themselves, maybe they're insecure or don't have much of an identity, i don't know, but i have to imagine if aros were ever that kind of person they'd sooner or later be forced to learn not to be.  luckily i always loved myself and had my own interests and goals--i wasn't relying on my peers for those things so there wasn't much adjusting to do when it became clear that i wouldn't be outsourcing them to romantic partners.  so there's my amateur psychological assessment.  or narcissistic pontification.

yeah kind of.  when i heard of split attraction i was confused because it's like:

-'there's sexual attraction, right?' -'yeah, i'm with you'

-'and romantic attraction' -'uhh you lost me'

so i was like, how can i know whether i feel romantic attraction if i don't understand what it is?  i see now how that should have been the answer right there.  and of course there's the 'maybe i just haven't felt that way yet' (as arophobic people like to insist) but it's like, i've found boys cute since i was like 7, but i've made it this far in life without wanting to date any of them whatsoever?  hmm.  (then i dated someone and found that i really, really didn't want to.)  and like @Sili said, it was helpful to talk with other aros, you know, totally relating to their experiences as i didn't when allos talked about that stuff.  

16 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

I mean it’s ok as long you don’t act on it.

it's ok if they consent 😉

On 1/19/2022 at 1:01 PM, Arsenic said:

One question related to this topic... Does any of you like primal? I know no one who likes it:"(

yesss my favourite sexual experience was with this guy who let me peg him and be really rough with him.  love not having to hold back.  

total domme, if you couldn't tell.  i also have the classic heterosexual person fantasy of a threesome--two bi guys, of course.  what can i say  

4 hours ago, Mysterious_Deity said:

But I’d love if they were also aromantic so the agreement and understanding was it was the comfort and the bond not anything romantic

i'd love if pretty much everyone i wanted some kind of platonic or sexual thing was also aro, so i wouldn't have to worry about them wanting a romantic thing.  'cause that's what it's about: the "agreement and understanding," not whatever it may look like

1 hour ago, Reengo said:

I tend to think being aroallo would be a rather different experience. Society tends to look down on FWB type relationships, or people wanting sexual stuff without wanting romantic commitment.

yeah it's kinda wild lol

On 2/3/2022 at 12:46 PM, Aroace Sailor Scout said:

I wouldn't be against babysitting sometimes, but that's as far as I'll go.

i babysat for like 9 years.  just for the money.  hard pass on having to take care of them for more than a few hours at a time and it costing ME money (where would i get that money if i couldn't leave them to work?) and i can barely take care of myself, partly due to depression, which again, having kids would elevate to suicidal-level depression, so.  to say the least i find it odd when people still try to convince me to have kids.  like obviously it's disrespectful to me but more notably, it's cruel to the hypothetical kids.  i would be upset if my parents hadn't been so delighted and prepared emotionally and financially to have me, why would you want a kid to be born to a single person who's the opposite of that?

that's pretty much what i did, though i wasn't so self-aware, basically i was trying to prove to myself that i wasn't aro and ended up doing the opposite and hurting both of us.  some good did come of it afterward--at just 17 i was able to accept my aromanticism and the fact that i never have to date again (nor did i ever).  was it worth it?  probably not.  it's hard to say what would have happened if not for that particular experience.  but i can say that i think your friend deserves to know how you really feel.  often said, for good reason, communication in any relationship is so important.  without it, any mutual happiness is just luck.  whether with her or other people, you can always try a variety of things, such as dating without romantic expectations.  relationships of any kind are what the people involved make them.  yay relationship anarchy!  

i don't call it anything but it would be pan.  gender is not a factor at all.

yeah it's cool, people can be nice-looking the same way other things are, like landscapes.  i took an elective in university called 'philosophy of beauty' where we talked a lot about aesthetics, and, you know, there are different units, and 'human beauty' was one, and i felt like a lot of people were treating it as a whole separate thing and/or conflating it with sexual/romantic attraction, and i was like...no.  or like we talked about how platonic love is about the 'beauty of the soul,' it's like yes, well that's an entirely different thing.  

On 1/18/2022 at 8:34 AM, crow said:

It's also related to sexual attraction for me,but I can have aesthetic attraction without sexual attraction, just not really the other way around.

yes, in the venn diagram, there's a circle of beautiful people and inside it, a small circle of hot guys.

i'm also a fashion designer in the works--my dresses are my art and so i want to display them on the most aesthetically attractive models, as a painter wants the nicest canvas and frame or whatever.  like i would go through a line-up and pick them out (figure and face both important), and then get their makeup and hair done right.    

yeah that's where i draw the line between a squish and someone i just want to be friends with.  like i have a coworker who's really funny and i have fun working with him but it's not like the squishes i've had.  they're more intense, i'm excited rather than just glad to see them, i think about them when i'm not with them, etc.  

i'm mostly romance-repulsed when it comes to myself in a romantic situation; when it's other people it's usually just weird/annoying or neutral.  like when i was dating my ex, doing romantic stuff was really uncomfortable and unnatural.  and i get kind of paranoid about people being romantically attracted to me.

i'd describe my feelings about women in a sexual context as repulsion, so i can imagine for (many) sex-repulsed aces it would just be that, but about everyone. 

so, to sum up, in descending order of appeal:

(having/imagining) sex with men: ? romance with anyone: ? sex with women: ? 

On 1/25/2022 at 3:18 PM, DeltaV said:

To me it is romance what makes sex weird.

right!  can't believe people have sex with people they love, that's so weird to me.

i would genuinely rather die lol

well, being heterosexual, i figured i was just straight, as in, also heteroromantic, and then i found out about aromanticism, and went through the thrillingly slow journey from denial to tentative acceptance to embracing it.  slow but direct--never had any feelings which led me to even consider any other possibilities.

i've actually given this plenty of thought.  i basically live alone (at my cottage--my parents are mostly back at the house) and it's great.  i've definitely imagined myself living alone for most of my life.  but i would also love to live with my best friend at some point.  she's actually looking for an apartment and invited me to live with her and i sadly had to decline because i can't pass up living rent-free.  but sometime.  not necessarily opposed to living with more than one person but i can't imagine who they'd be.  i used to have an apartment with my friend in university, which was fun at times but more often i would have preferred to have it to myself.  i have mixed feelings about living with a sexual partner, like a fwb.  there's the obvious advantage of, you know, convenience, but normally when i have them over i do a full-on cleaning/beautification of myself and the house, whereas when i'm alone i like to be messy and just not worry about anything.  this isn't as much of a problem with friends--i don't need to impress them. ?  but no matter what, i need to have my own bedroom.  i also like to travel a lot and want to spend time (whether a few days or a few years) in many different places; i hate the idea of being confined to one place for long (/routine/lack of freedom in general), so i'm certainly not thinking about a permanent living situation. 

new idea: share a song whose lyrics are meant to be romantic, or could be interpreted as such, but that you like.  could be that it works in another context, like platonic love.  maybe you just like it in its original context, idk.

here's mine: i'd really love to see you tonight by england dan and john ford coley (1976)

it was a huge hit back then; my mom (who was a teenager then) loved it and still does.  it seems to be about casual dating--romantic but not committed--and i like to spin it as casual dating in a fwb/relationship anarchy way.  as a bonus, it has a nice sound independently of the lyrics.  but here they are:

hello, yeah it's been awhile
not much, how 'bout you
i'm not sure why i called
i guess i really just wanted
to talk to you

i was thinking maybe later on
we could get together for a while
it's been such a long time
and i really do miss your smile

i'm not talking 'bout movin' in
and i don't want to change your life
but there's a warm wind blowin' the stars around
and i'd really love to see you tonight

we could go walkin' through a windy park
take a drive along the beach
or stay at home and watch tv
see, it really doesn't matter much to me

i'm not talking 'bout movin' in
and i don't want to change your life
but there's a warm wind blowin' the stars around
and i'd really love to see you tonight

i won't ask for promises
so you don't have to lie
we've both played that game before
say "i love you" then say goodbye

i'm not talking 'bout movin' in
and i don't want to change your life
but there's a warm wind blowin' the stars around
and i'd really love to see you tonight

i'm not talking 'bout movin' in
and i don't want to change your life
but there's a warm wind blowin' the stars around
and i'd really love to see you tonight

i'm not talking 'bout movin' in
and i don't want to change your life
but there's a warm wind blowin' the stars around
and i'd really love to see you tonight

same here, no advice, just commiseration.  i'm also romance-repulsed and love platonic love.  super disappointing and uncomfortable when a friend or someone you thought might become one is romantically attracted to you.  i'm glad that will never happen with my best friend of 17 years since she's straight and i'm glad things worked out with yours.

don't like it.  if the other person sees it as romantic, like with my ex-bf, it's very uncomfortable for me.  as for platonic, it just doesn't do anything for me; physical touch isn't one of my love languages or whatever.  i like my space.  or if i do want physical (non-sexual) contact, it would be hugging.  my former fwb liked to cuddle in bed so i would, i didn't mind.  (tmi: especially since he did so much of what i wanted.)  but i wouldn't want to when we were just like hanging out in the living room.  so yeah, it ranges from neutral to strongly dislike.

i was trying to find a way to ask about aesthetic attraction too.  for me it can be a contributing factor in squishes, but as i say, they can certainly be just platonic.  and my aesthetic attraction can also be toward any gender, so you know, whatever.  

14 hours ago, arofox said:

Sometimes its hard for me to decide if it's platonic or aesthetic attraction.

yes, sometimes it's just aesthetic; i don't count that as a squish.  it doesn't give me the feelings, so for me it's not hard to tell that's all it is.

11 hours ago, nisse said:

it's also been so long since i last had a squish, for uuuh several reasons, i've kind of forgotten how it feels?? weird.

actually same, i guess my last one was this guy at university a couple years ago.  no reason, just haven't happened to have one recently.

11 hours ago, nisse said:

it's just that initial "aaah they're so cool i wanna hang out with them always!!" intense feeling fades, and i settle into a more comfortable "we're friends :) that's so nice" state.

exactly, yeah, like my feelings for my best friend are stronger than for anyone else, but it's comfortable, platonic love, not a platonic crush or however you define a squish.  (never was, actually, we were basically friends from the first time we met.  actually most of my squishes never became friendships, at least not close/long ones, and i'm fine with that.)

10 hours ago, Thiel said:

I'm heterosexual, so squishes on men have a sexual factor too.

always?  and it's not separate?  interesting.  does one type of attraction necessarily precede the other?

oh i have another question for everyone!  how old were you when you had your first squish?  (even though you probably didn't know to call it that until much later)  i had them almost as early as i can remember, like 4 or 6, idk.  more of them back then too, i think.

i've told a bunch of people.  in an actual coming-out thing like where i bring it up--first my bf at the time, then my parents, then a close friend at school, then my best friend.  all in the beginning, 6 years ago.  other than that, just if it comes up and it's easier to say it than hide it.  so some friends, therapists, a fwb.  

a poll for those of us who experience squishes.

my answers and clarifications:

1: 20-99.  hard to say where in that range--depends where you draw the line between a squish and just thinking they're cool or whatever.  however you define it for yourself, that works.

2. over a year.  way over.  we had dance classes together for several years and i had a squish on her the whole time.  some other squishes would fade over time even when i continued to see them.  again, draw the line wherever you will of when it begins and ends (since it's probably not abrupt).

3.  no.  here's the important clarification i couldn't put succinctly in the question: happening to experience a different, unrelated type of attraction at the same time as platonic attraction is irrelevant.  my sexual attraction (where gender is obviously a factor) is unrelated to anything else--i may experience it toward a guy on whom i also have a squish, but the platonic part is the same as ever.  i can have purely platonic squishes on any gender.  i'd be interested to hear your elaborations on your own answers to this one.

how do you do, fellow heterosexual aro ✌️

lots.  what stands out most is probably his displays of his romantic attraction to me.  like certain things he would say, like compliments--which generally of course would be a good thing but in a romantic context, the tone of voice or the way i felt obligated to respond...idk.  and sometimes he would just look at me a certain way, like we'd just be watching tv or whatever and i'd just be reminded it wasn't like hanging out with a friend.  also more obvious stuff like holding hands, cuddling, kissing goodbye, celebrating a semi-anniversary.  but it was more about the vibe than the actual stuff we did.

not a thing for me.  everything which could be considered sensual--like physical stuff, right?--is either sexual, romantic, or platonic to me.  so like the way(s) i'm attracted to someone would indicate the types of things i want to do with them.  since i never experience romantic attraction, i never want to do the romantic things.  for some activities, like kissing, there are different types; they again get sorted into the categories.  so i'm very into sexual kissing and very not into romantic kissing.  that's my best attempt to explain it.   

like a squish?  or different?