ApeironStella
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Status Updates posted by ApeironStella
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I ended up buying a copy of Alice Oseman's Loveless (it wasn't available in my country before on Kindle) and I just started reading it.
I hate how my kneejerk reaction to seeing a canon aroace protag in a story and seeing the hints to her identity even from the start with how relatable her experience is- that there is a chapter titled "Aromantic Asexual" later on makes me feel dread due to being around for the all the "ace diskhorse" shit as I was a teen newly learning about being an ace and aro at the time, that how much of their bs I internalized and don't even realize having internalized it until I see anyone seriously tackle these identities seriously in fiction.
I hate that I feel guilt, embarrassment, that I have the comments on how pointless and unnecessary it is to write about something like that, that it is all just some fake exaggeration and that it is a story no one would want to read, that it is catering to just some egoistical snowflake wannabes going over in my mind the entire time before I need to take a break.
I hate that I can't simply enjoy aspec media without these sorts of feelings coming to front of my mind and sending me down a rabbit hole of internalized aphobia/self hatred I never even realized I had to address and was there as a consequence of those years, despite how much I crave stories like that and to see that representation, given all the comments on "stealing representation/resources" arguments over the years made their dent on me on the topic...
Sorry for a downer vent, I just hate everything about what went down at that time and I don't think I ever will forgive the people who actively flamed that fire by sock puppet accounts etc- despite not wanting to wish ill on anyone, I despise it all and the harm they caused to me and many others.
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ah yea i can imagine >:/ the whole dISkhOrsE a few years ago really sucked, and im glad i managed to mostly stay away from it...
you got this tho!! and dont forget that us fellow Evil Resource StealersTM (meant humorously ofc haha) got your back! ^_^ xD
i hope you like the book btw! i was planning to maybe read it myself too :) -
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khfdhfdkjfd I shouldn't be this absurdly happy but I am now that small keychain plushie of my hyperfixation character/rp character over last year or so arrived...
Normally, I don't really get as many fandom stuff, but I made an exception for this given the year so I deserve something nice fuck it
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How do you even respond when an allo bff talks about how their death would have "little impact" on you when you clearly know it wouldn't and that they are just wenting about wanting a partner but like... that shit hurts to hear, like thanks for telling me my love for you always will be second best and that at most I will have is a second rate love from others when I've been trying to unlearn amatonormativity for years to not feel alone
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(Not sure if this was a rhetorical question so forgive me if you're not looking for an answer and are just venting!)
This is something that's happened to me quite a bit as well and it's always so hurtful. Often times, especially for people with low self-esteem, people have the assumption in their heads that friends aren't allowed to be close or have strong love for one another. 1000% amatonormativity, as you've said, and it's taken me a while to articulate this to my friends (especially because I haven't used "amatonormativity"). However, after enough persistence, I've had friends really realize and understand that they mean a lot to me. It has often not been about friends not believing in my love, but rather about their own self-esteem and being convinced others don't really love them because they are unworthy of it. My heart goes out to you and I really hope this person didn't really mean that your love is second-rate but rather has their own issues that caused things to come out that way.
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It is always hilarious to me when I realize that characters I'm writing, even when I don't hc them as aro and/or ace, turns out acting fairly like they are on the aro and/or ace spectrum bc I legit forget to add parts that supposedly makes their crush/attraction obvious and "realistic" bc such reactions feel so over the top and cringy, it feels like I'm writing some unrealistic and OOC scenario rather than how those things genuinely work.
I'm too AroAce for someone who rps ship stuff mainly (though 99% of them can easily pass as close platonic bonds too since for me "shipping something" is "I'm so down for this both OTP and BROTP way, I just want to see them bond and be close to each other and suffer through a fuck ton of situations and bond over the trauma, having some kissy blushy moments are optional" basically.)
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Oh same here. A lot of my non aroace characters still feel that way, to the point where a few of them I realized might need slightly different labels. I only really tried to write a detailed, "normal" crush once and I dunno what hapened to it. Otherwise all my potential romances eventually end up platonic or platonic coded.
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@AutistAro Truth.
(p.s. I absolutely love your cover photo :))) two of my favourite bois.)
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Sigh. Checking Tumblr aroace tag always seems to bring up so many "not all aces are aro" posts with "Aces can love" thrown in most of them too. Yes, they can and yes you are annoyed at that but can they please stop tagging it as aroace? Same thing happens a lot on aro tag too, a lot of ace positivity posts with no real connection to aromanticism and it is a lot rarer to see viceversa and it gets just Tiring even if I am also ace too. I can't imagine how tiring it gets for non ace aros.
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One thing I am really glad about and keep talking about D.Gray-man everywhere is, because of the theme of love in the series. Theme of love as in every possible way, with family love especially being given front seat. There is friendship, comradeship, family, some romance, overall pretty human characters all having people they care about and trying to protect ones they care and spending their down times together to recover from bad things that happened. As it is also a tragedy series, there are a lot of bad stuff happening but it is not ignored by characters, instead they accept what happened has happened and try to move on and spend their current time together with people who cares about them and people who they care about.
Even one of the villains who is crushing on main character is written beautifully in the way of saying "I love Allen but family comes first. I am sure you would understand this too, Allen." even if later on, she doesn't mind risking her own life for him. Idk I really love that there is no "girl in love makes the guy only priority" at that scene, as well as in general?
And maybe it is because of the side of fandom I am hanging around with, but there isn't much heteronormative ship wars unlike Bleach or Naruto. Fandom is often half dead due to not being that popular by now but people who are there are often people who has been into it for years or even if they newly found it they end up joining said seasoned fandom people in the end because just like the series, it is homey?
Idk I am just glad to be a part of this fandom and so glad that I found this series in the first place, all the good wishes to mangaka and hope she gets well
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Only reason why I even know some of the more popular love songs is not because I actually like them but I love the AMVs/MADs/MEPs/MMVs they were used in and I can only think of the song with the scenes from the video and I can not hate or feel fully disgusted with them being tied to something I love???
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So I have to stay with a whole week with my father bc stuff happened... this is going to be a really awkward week.
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So I finally got a psychologist appointment tomorrow but I still high key feel like I am just exaggerating stuff but... Is living your life vicariously through fictional characters with really low concern on your own life unless in immediate danger and seeing human relations pointless unless you are talking about something you like/having trouble with talking anything but your interests and sometimes getting really obsessed with them count as normal/healthy? I... don't feel like I have any goals in life, really, for a long time by now haha. I can drown that sense of pointlessness by diving even further into a series or theory or whatever but it never disappears and I just... worry that I am making a fuss. I tried to explain that to my mother, who is p much really asocial herself as well as likely has some problems of her own, and she says that I could see one if I wanted to but really skeptical of it and??? I don't even fully trust my memory or my feelings tbh and the close friend who said that I most likely should see someone for stuff did say that I often act really self-depricating and have a pretty low self esteem, which rangs rather true. I just... I just don't know, haha. I at least don't think it is unipolar depression at any rate because I can be happy/feel a whole range of emotions if I focus on anything but myself, but there is maybe... something off? Idk.
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If you've already got an appointment then go. Worst case, you talk for an hour, go home and never do anything about it again. They make for a good sounding board since they have a reasonable understanding of what 'average' actually entails.
Seeing a psychologist isn't such a bad thing though. There's a lot of stigma around mental health in general - but really, seeing one every so often even if you don't feel like there's an issue isn't such a bad idea. People get regular physicals - why not a regular check in with a psychologist?
In my experience, it's a good thing. The couple I've seen have been really good for me. I'd encourage everyone to see one semi-regularly (like, yearly or even every other year) if they are able even if they don't think there's anything wrong.
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I probably have something wrong with me... As it was brought up as I was talking to an old bestfriend, I really do have some... fixation problems. I just. Obsess over someone or something really bad at times and even people I normally do care about doesn't feel like they matter at those times. I still try to act normal to them but just. Barely tolerate them. And like. When I am out of that obsessing period, then I have a not caring about anything stage and kinda return back to normal but then feel hallow inside. It can be character, person I really admire, a story, a rp, a personality theory, anything. And that can be really bad for human interactions because I really don't care most of the time and feel like I am just faking it often times. Also, since I am still a human being I might end up talking with someone about what I was obsessing over too if they really like it too, which might lead to a randomly made friendship and since emotions there are INTENSE I don't even realize that we barely know anything about each other but feel pretty attached to each other by then and when my interest to topic cools down, there is often some messy friendship breaks.....any idea what the problem might be? Don't wanna go to see some professional help without at least some idea of what it might be?
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No worries about the long reply
more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.
I'm not going to say it's definitely autism, but I have been through periods that sound quite similar, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's (now apparently a defunct term) when I was 17. I didn't find out until about 10 years later, but I can definitely see that I hyperfixated on certain people and somewhat neglected others in the mean time. One guy I was fixated on (for over a year, maybe two) I walked away from with barely a second thought a few weeks after I "woke up" from it. I also have weird mood swings/fluctuating interest (like, intense interest/happiness, then literal depression/anxiety/low or no interest for a while but wondering why the hell my feelings went away) in most of the people I develop a crush on. But I also get the 'feeling close without really knowing them that well' thing. God, I loathe it!
But I agree it could be autism, ADHD, BPD or hyperfixation (or some kind of combination of any of those).
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@Untamed Heart Thank you! And I considered Asperger's before learning it was a defunct term, so yes. And exactly! Once I feel like I "know" them, "get waked up", I just... have no problem dropping someone like a hot potato and yes, neglecting others is there as well. Only difference is, I don't really get crushes so it was even more confusing for me because when I tried to date them thinking it was a crush, it would just go "????? what wait no that's not right" in my brain. Only second guessing is really for how other side would feel, since I kinda have a huge problem with guilt trips? And I agree/have the same fluctuating interest thing as well! But thing is, sometimes I probably don't even feel that for the person but simply feel it for the topic we were talking about, so that's when it gets messy with "feeling close without really knowing them that well" thingy. Because I do horrible with actual human interactions, so yeah, might be somewhere on autism spec too, maybe?
BPD seems to be least likely at this point since my mood do fluctuate a lot during day but it always match whatever I was thinking/experiencing. So it is not BPD kind of out of control but still pretty changing? And well... There is one psychologist close enough I could find, but I still have this "am I over-exaggerating" sense and since my mother was saying same thing too, not so certain about having a visit rn. (which is funny because this is something I was aware of for... 6-7 years by now? Like, the sense of something is just..off? thingy.)
Aahh...
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I think you would probably benefit from going. I know I felt a kind of relief when I found out, because I did have that feeling something was 'off' and I could never put my finger on it, though it seemed like everyone else (i.e. horrible kids at school) could see how I was different. I'm not great at the interaction thing either - if I had millions I'd probably end up living as a semi-recluse or something
It's still your call at the end of the day, but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do
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How far do you have to fall to like Sonic 06 unironically bc I love watching how broken that game is and what the plot is even
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How does one motivate a depressed friend about how her life does not have any purpose when you yourself deal with same thing everyday and kinda learned to live with that how
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I am honestly a lot more protective towards allo aro people than allo aces, it seems. I don't hate them or want them to die or something- it is just their way of validating their humanity by saying they can "love too" makes me feel pretty disconnected with ace movement so I can easily see how us aroaces doing the "but we are mostly aces as well so we aren't 'heartless sex maniacs'" couldend up making allo aros feel the same way. Not that they all have to be always sexually active but because slut shaming and "cold, heartless monsters" are things they already might have and most likely do have said to them.
I just.
I am adopting you all okay.
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Also the sexism, toxic masculinity, and gender binarism that come with being allo aro are awful. If you're perceived as female, you're slut-shamed for wanting sex without romance. If you're perceived as male, you're demonized for fitting the stereotype that men are mindless sex fiends. If your gender is non-binary, or if people aren't perceiving you as the right gender, you also get invalidation, dysphoria and erasure.
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@omitef Yes, thank you ! You hit right on the mark !
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Clicking ten thousand eggs on Pokéfarm gets tiring... But hey, its' worth for a Mega Stone~
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more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.
