AutistAro

Oh ma goodness. It's been forever. 2020 has been a poop show. Wtfffffff

Around late December guilt about cutting people off really bothered me. Fast forward to I think...late July? I reconnected with one person. Apologized to others but left it at that. I was forgiven by all of them which shook me. I lowkey wanted them to hate me (though one of em was vert upset, but we good now ig).

There's this new-ish person I was interested in befriending, but that fire burned out like two months ago lol. I don't know whats up with me and 'wanting to befriend people'. 

I also learned I'm aegosexual and aegoromantic! I like that stuff when it's happening to others. Particularly fictional characters. Cuz. Fiction. Let your imagination loose. It explains why I can't seem to get away from fluffy fanfics. Good stuff out there.

I feel ok. Had so many mood drops throughout the year but I finally felt stable like...a month ago? Less bread. Less forcing myself to care about people. Less news. It's almost voting time so, Im READY. 

I totally did not forget about this site lol.

Where to begin holy crap. 

September 1st I decided to cut everyone I befriended in that group chat. Unfriended, deleted my Twitters. I did let them know of my situation. kind of haha. ‘Need some time to myself. It’s not you it’s me’ bull. Which, techinically IS true. All those crazy feelings I had, overreacting, burning out—it was all me. Though I didn’t let some others know, I just cut them off (not like we were talking much anyways.)

And you know what? I feel so free. Relieved. 

Ahhh. I’m a stupid mess. But in my defense, they were the first batch of friends I ever made that I opened up to. =w=“ Like, really opened up to. And I’m definitely not repeating this mess again! Sucks that I lost friends, but at least I learned from it yeah?

I’m back to shipping again~ Though I’m staying the hell away from fandom life >>” Too many allos. ==“ 

I really don’t like people. Don’t know why I got so attached to those folk. I hate my brain sometimes.  

Welp.

It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off. 

Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I. 

Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself. 

Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ? 

I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them?  They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.

Dang. I’ve noticed for a long time now that when these two online friends I have, who happen to be dating, are affectionate I get kinda uncomfortable? Like...’are you for reals, or ya’ll just playing around?’ It’s so weird lol. I don’t want to admit it’s romance repulsion, but I guess it is. I’m happy for them, though. Really glad they’re making it work and stuff. :3 But when they’re affectionate I just...? and I realize that I can’t ever get close to them because they’re so into each other. Oh well. 

...And it’s even weirder cuz they didn’t even know each other for longer that half a year and yet they’re already dating?! Like wtf. How’d that even happen? I don’t get that at all. That sort of attraction. And it was mutual attraction, too! Like whoa. It’s...weird. I don’t get it at all.

Ah. When I realize I won’t ever feel those sorts of feelings, it bums me out a bit. Especially because a lot of people prioritize that sort of thing. BUT I totally understand that I’m not the only one and romance ain’t everything blah blah I know that now. 

? I still daydream characters being all close and intimate and stuff, though. ? Wonder if it’s something I want. 

But I also loooove horror and slasher films lmao. So, eh. I’ve heard of ‘being in love with the idea of love’, I wonder if that’s me. 

This one online friend keeps talking to me, though! And I don’t seem to bother her when I spam her with walls of texts of my Skyrim adventures or my disorganized thought process. ? She’s dating a person I’m friends with, too, lol. But they’re not as openly affectionate so I’m spared of that uncomfortableness. They’re definitely more reserved than the other two lol.

Ahh, but it’s not like they’re always affectionate. Not really. And it’s easy to not look at posts like that, so whatever. 

I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully I had off today, so I just stayed in bed until 4 pm. I daydreamed a lot. Maybe my inner desires? Who knows. But I ended the daydream scene pretty happily for the characters. Many of them still had to cope with their mental illnesses, but they have support from friends and partners. 

I should be reaching out, too. But there are some people I just don’t want to be open with you know? And the people I do want to talk to just don’t seem interested/are too busy/are hurting/aren’t aro.

Apparently my aroness is affecting me a lot (besides what the heck I’m going to do for the rest of my life and being unable to focus on anything blah blah.) I thought I had this all figured out, but then this thing just barges in my life and smothers me and I’m left drowning.

I will have to work hard on eating right, sleeping right, and exercising. Don’t worry guys. I ain’t giving up on life.