nonmerci

What you say reminds me of my ow experience. I was 23 when I let this term and never had a boyfriend (now I'm 25 and still never had). I thought I will date when I'll be attracted to someone... but the attraction never came (well if I am honest I have experienced it once in my life... it last what, 2 week? And was not as strong as what it seems to be for allo people). Realizing I was aro was realizing that the reason why I never looked for a romantic relationship is that I never felt romantic attraction in the first place. I don't think so. Shy people do feel romantic attraction, but can be too scared to act on it. And attraction doesn't appear when you look for it, it can happen anytime, just like that. So I don't think it is related to your effort for finding someone.

I discovered aromanticism in 2017. Now I am 25. I also feel older than son other aro too (in particular everytime someone mentions High school, it remember me that some people here are still pretty young).

Mistake? Misconception maybe a good choice too; but English is not my first language so I can be wrong. But then I guess it's up to @Coyote to decide if the title has to be changed or not.

And let's not forget aros who doesn't have a sexual orientation. In particular because I think one of the difference with aroallos and aroaces, is that aros without sexual attraction are always forgotten Personally I think that our experiences share a lot in common (because of amatonormativity, denial of our experience, wanting to see other kind of relationships being valued too, and a other things I probably forgot). But of course there are also differences. As being mentionned, the experience of realizing we are aro are different. Allo aro are tend more to think they are romantic because SAM is not well-known, and it is easy to confuse sexual and romantic attraction (in particular as society itself does it, in movies or in real life, with the expectation that a sexual relationship will turn into love). I also think that it is easier to feel broken like this, because sexual attraction can leader people to dating as they think they are romantically attracted, and then to be shame for not being able to fall in love (society reaching that sex is mission something without romantic love). On the other had, I can't speak for other aro aces, but before I learned what was asexuality and aromanticism, I had a hard time trying to determine my orientation. I also confused the two : I tried to determine if I was straight, homo or bi by watching sexually attractive image... you'd notice that the possibility of an absence of attraction didn't cross my mind. Until I met the word asexuality and decided to check what it was; then I accept pretty quickly I was asexual (it was an evidence, on particular as I had a long history of denial that sexual attraction as show on tv actually exist, contrary to romantic attraction), and had to think about it for romantic attraction. I didn't feel shamed or broken because as I wasn't attracted to people, I was just expecting to feel it one day in the future. Accepting aromanticism was just accepting that this was not going to happen. Also, I think being asexual was easier to find ressources about aromanticism, because the word asexual is similar to heterosexual, bisexual etc; so having sexual attraction aligned with romantic attraction simplify things. I don't know for aro without a sexual attraction. Another thing is that allo aro may want more sexual contact (I said may because of course you can be asexual and still like sex; but the experience is different). Now, sexual relationship without romance is seen as negative. This problem will touch more aro allo. On the other hand, aro aces can be seen as autistic because they feel no sexual attraction (I mean, disinterest for sex is part of the diagnostic; which his harmful for both autistic and aro aces as you can be autistic and feel sexual attraction, and be ace without being autistic... not that there is everything wrong for being autistic of course). Aro aces can also be seen as immature, aka how Sheldon Cooper is seen by the other characters of BBT for instance. All this to say that desire feeling or not feeling sexual attraction will change how people perceive you, and not in a good way. Finally, I think the way we feel about aro and aces community is affected too. I think we all feel affected by the amatonormativity in the ace community. But also, aro allo can be alienated by the ace community and the necessity for it to be "ace... and aro"; because it is hard to see how they fit in a community that is primarily asexual, and sometimes even shame sexual activity. Aro ace are more concerned by the all "asexual can still love" thing, because even if this is something we have to teach, aro aces are pushing away by this kind of statements, as if our existence was something to hide, a shame that will destroyer all their argumentation. For aro communities, aro allos and aros without a sexual attraction are probably more impacted by how aromanticism is sometimes seen as a sub-category of asexuality. For aro aces, I know that I feel sometimes alienated by the (understandable) suspicion that aro aroallos can have towards aroaces (aka the suspicion that they will care more about their ace side than their aro side, which is probably linked to a history of aromanticism being treated as a less important category of asexuality). That leads that I sometimes feel shamed for being ace in aro community too. So, I'd say that all type of aros are feeling not at easy in both communities, but for different reasons. That being said, I think we have mire in common than differences, and that's why I see us as a more solid community than the ace community, where the position towards romance create more differences I think (because of "asexual can still love" and a lot of topics about asexual romance; which is not a bad thing in itself as romantic asexualq need asexual place to express this big part of their life, but create the feeling that aroaces are not part of all that).

Indeed, and I think it is important to remember that. That's so true that I suggest @Coyote should clarifier that in the first post. I think that's a good example of how adressing an issue to the ones who are creating it can work. I think that explaining things to the people who are, willingly or unwillingly, created a problem is the best way to fix it. I mean, there is probably some people that don't care, but I want to believe that most people in this world don't mean to hurt other people, or make them feel excluded. Ha ha same. I mean, I never was into Tumblr, but 80% of the time when I hear about it, it is because something wrong happened there. I suspect that the best way to stop misinformation is to change thing in Tumblr (like, impossibilité to reblog a deleted content), but saddly this is something we have no control on.

Well, as I think you consider that grey belongs to allo, it would be logical for you to consider that a grey attraction towards men makes you not heterosexual but bisexual. But personally, I think that grey people should define themselves with what extremity of the spectrum they feel they belong. So the same way, I would say that it is up to you to decide if a grey attraction for men makes you bi or not.

Excuse me @Jot-Aro Kujo, but are you sure you are not interpretating Coyote's posts because it resonates with previous bad experiences you are? I agree that the first post sounds like "aro are doing bad things by spreading misinformation", but I don't see anything saying that ace community is better than aros, that we should be eternally thankful, that we should apologie for using their words or whatever. I think we all do that : associated ideas to one posts even if they didn't say it, because it shares similarity with other things it says. However I do agree that just pointing that something wrong happen without looking for solution isn't useful at all.

That was what I was going to say. I mean, I'm glad that I learn the term was created by aces people because learn in new thing is cool, and because I get now it refers to platonism (I think platonic relationship were supposed to be not sexual?) But really, what does it change for me? Nothing. It doesn't change the way I see the term, the way I use it, or anything. In fact I'm actually surprised to see how much it is a big deal in the aro and ace communities, because I personally don't care as long as nobody stops me from using it. Or as long nobody came like "hey we invented the term so you as an aro, you owe this to us", because we don't. That may be ly very praticable point of view, but I think terms are invented because they are useful and reflect a realiy, so for me it just happened to have been created by ace people, but if they haven't some other people would have.

Oups sorry, I didn't want to implysm transgender is its own gender, I don't think that. Thanks for your response.

If saying you're bisexual is wrong then don't. For what you say, it seems you are sexually attracted to women, but grey-sexual for men (as you only feel sexually attracted under particular circumstances). So I guess you could be in the grey area of bisexuality (I don't know if this is a concept in this community). But I think it is up to you to know if the label fit you or not.

Thanks for the link of toxic positivity, I didn't know the term but know the concept (now I have a word to explain what the movie Inside Out is all about lol).

I agree. I've been there and really, knowing hat I was loved by my familly doesn't help me at all, because my suicidal thoughts had nothing to do with that (in fact it was ma not liking/loving myself (I put the two terms because I am not quite sure of the difference English native speakers make), and not loving what I was doing with my life). (I'm not saying that depression can't be caused by the feeling of not being loved, but even when it is, just a random stranger saying "You are loved" on the Internet won't help on the long term... it may can help when you are asking for this in the Internet but not in long term) And as you say, this kind of sentences like "you are loved", "you are special"... that's just so general and shallow. If you could say the same thing to anyone else, it doesn't count for me. I think that love is one of the thing that makes people feel valuated (don't know if it's a bad or good thing because you can be a horrible person and be loved for some aspects of you personality anyway). But their are so much things that can make a person value. In fact I personally think life in itself has to be valuated, and that reduce it to own criteria will always left some people behind.

I don't agree. By taking the extremes, we don't talk about what romantic attraction is for the majority if people. When I want to understand something, having just the extreme thing doesn't help.

Thanks!

The aro-gator is so cute! Though femme fennec fox is the cutest (what is it for? In French femme means woman, is it connected? Sorry I never heard this term... except in French lol)

I was sure that QPRs was originally an aro term! I mean, I never thought about it because I personally don't care about how a word was created. But as bydontost said, I thought it was created by aros because of the definition that we have now, that focuses on friendship and romance. I had ni idea this concept was important for the ace community, so thanks for letting me know! I agree! I mean, I think it is very important for aros to feel safe in ace places if they want to go there. But I know that even if I am ace, I don't go on ace spaces, not because I don't feel sage but because I don't think it will be useful for me (basically, I identify as ace because I don't feel sexual attraction, but I don't see that as having a huge impact on my life, let alone my identity; while I feel that aromanticism has an impact on my life choices). I would be glad to see more aro communities! Also I don't get why we are focusing on making ace communities safe place for aros, and not LGBT and society in general (because I guess that, for instance, a bisexual aro also have a lot of problems for joining busexual communities, or at least I sometimes saw bi-aro complaît about it, but we don't adress this issue as we do with ace communities).

Well, I will soon celebrate Christmas with a yule log; does it count? I love food we have at Christmas. Lol I can imagine your reaction. Even when imagine my wedding, I didn't have the details, and clearly not the romantic stuff; I just love wedding dress, good meal, and maye the idea of having all the family here as I don't see them often (except my parents, as I live with them). But yeah, the idea of celebrating a new house is great!

I can relate. I chose my name of my future children, but never fantasize about a husband, even if I know that some spermatozoid have to come be involved. (the only time I think about the husband was to wonder "what if we don't like the same names for our children"?) Well, I'm probably gonna give my eggs and/or adopt alone, so… problem solved? (well, not solved because adoption when you're not in a couple is harder, and adoption in a couple is already hard; but at least no husband will be there to fight for the names lol). Also : I used to think about my wedding. And was I discover I was sad… not beacause I will never have a husband, I don't mind, I never think about him… but the dress, the meal and the cake? My dream of the perfect wedding dinner, vanished. It hurts.

Yep, that was my fear. Asexuals are a smala group too, but at least their dating app has only one goal : dating. But I hope one day something like this will be possible.

I'm glad for you!

Sunna, you are now my King of Empathy. I think you perfectly understand it. Listening is the key. You don't have to feel the same to understand, even if it makes things harder (like this time when a friend of mine ask if I sometimes feel the same way as is, and that I had to come out to him lol).

Ok, my question must sound weird as most of the time, allo are the one who clearly has no empathy for us. Also when I say "we", I mean in general, it aims at no one in particular. The thing is : from what I read sometimes, it seems aro has difficulties to understand romantic feelings and heartbreaks, for obvious reasons. Also, as we have a lot of bad experiences with them when they don't try to understand us, which leads us to be on defensive sometimes. However, I think it leads us to be rude, in particular when allo come on an aro website to seek advice with an aro person. For instance, I saw some comments saying things like they are wrong to feel the way they feel. While I think we should try to understand why they react this way instead of blame them, the same way they try to understand us. (I'm of course talking of allos who are not reacting as jerks when someone say they are aros, but people who try to get it, like people who are in a Relationship with an aro for instance and are trying to make things right). I'd add that this not only an aro thing. For instance, I saw in aces community people being completely unsympathetic (is that a word?) with allosexuals. Some people in a romantic relationship with an allo, who want their partner to understand them but will never make an effort to do the same (well, I Don't think we reach this point and I hope we never will, but that's it). I don't know for you, but sometimes this lack of empathy makes me uncomfortable. I'm wondering if it is just me, or if this is something we should work on? Because clearly, we can't expect people to understand how we feel if we don't try to do the same.

Honestly I feel it is best to tell him from the start. I know that I would feel used and betrayed if someone date me to figure out their orientation without telling me. Allos seem to react pretty badly when they discover it, so if you want to keep him as a friend if it doesn't work it is better to tell him. Or if you want to continue the relationship with some compromises (some aros date allos sometimes). But you have to trust him with this information of course. Of course this is just my thoughts.

Break-ups are always difficult, but it is not your fault. In fact I think you were right to break up with him this early. Break-ups are hard I guess, but not as hard as fakie happiness. You say you hurt him; but it would have hurt you to stay in a relationship where you are not comfortable (and it would have hurt him too in the end). You did what is best. Plus, remember you can't control people feelings for you. Even if you were alloromantic, would you date every single person who ask you out? I guess you won't. You're not horrible at all. It's better to break-up than long about how you feel. I think I read people saying it is possible. I think there are posts here about people realizing there are aros, or people realizing they are dating aros, after years of romantic relationship. For what I see, it demands a lot of mutual comprehension and sometimes compromises (so both of them can have something satisfying). I don't know if it's disproportionate. As far as I know, romantic feelings are strong pretty quick, though strong doesn't mean deep at all. I think this is just something that I can't understand as an aro, that's it.

People can be such idiots! Thinking they know how you feel better than yourself... I would advice to stop talking to those people if they make you feel lm like that, but sometimes it's not possible. So when someone tell you that, think that there is people who actually get it, even alloromantics who understand and accept. The problem with some people is that they are unable to understand that something that is goal for them could bit interesting other people. Aros make them think about why romantic love is so important in their lige so they don't like that. They prefer to deny our existence than acknowledge things can be different.