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It is downright difficult for most people to understand what aromanticism truly means. It is sad that the first thing that usually comes to someone's mind when hearing the word "aromantic" is the idea that the person doesn't wish a partner "because they're incapable of loving". This is one of the most widespread myths, if not the most widespread one. Why is that? It is because people have been growing with their minds set on the idea that relationships (as in life partnerships) are inherently romantic in nature. Because for the most part, it is romantic attraction (from crushes to falling in love) that makes people desire a relationship with a certain someone. For the most part. Which means, there are exceptions, too. Even if the rule (allegedly) applies to more than 99% of the cases. These exceptions are us, aromantics. And given that we don't feel this romantic attraction ever, there must be something else to serve as a starting point of a partnership (for those to desire one), right? This "something else" can vary from one person to another. It could be, for instance, sexual attraction and then the people, in parallel, could befriend each other, and form a strong bond. Or it can be friendship. A strong friendship, like in my case. I am going to highlight some differences between how I feel about a potential partner and how alloromantics generally feel. 

 

They fell in love "against their will", I came to love the person because we became best friends beforehand and because I feel at ease around them and trust them.

They think of love as a flame that must be kept burning, I regard it as an unshakable wall which was patiently built brick by brick over time.

They feel high and euphoric, I feel comfortable, safe and warm.

They see the person as perfection incarnate, I see them as they are and accept them because we're friends, right?

(Easier: They see the person as perfect, I see the person as extraordinary.)

They are swept away and overwhelmed by what they feel, I feel to a very intense degree, but am lucid.

They found a reason to stay alive, I found a gift that makes my life more beautiful. 

They have their head underwater, I am afloat.

 

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I'm assuming English isn't a first language for you? (you mentioned elsewhere being Romanian). Well, you write really well in it :) 

(that isn't meant to sound patronising - I find it impressive. I only speak/write in English, so I'm always a little in awe of multi-lingual people!)

 

37 minutes ago, Ice Queen said:

They feel high and euphoric, I feel comfortable, safe and warm.

 

I 💚 this. It takes me time to make friends with somebody - but once I trust them enough to open myself up, it feels really nice to share things, including things that make me feel vulnerable.

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Just now, NullVector said:

I'm assuming English isn't a first language for you? (you mentioned elsewhere being Romanian). Well, you write really well in it :) 

(that isn't meant to sound patronising - I find it impressive. I only speak/write in English, so I'm always a little in awe of multi-lingual people!)

 

Yes, my mother tongue is Romanian. And thank you! :)

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I can kind of vouch for a lot of that, being a grey romantic, even though I'm rarely attracted to anyone to the degree I'd want to pursue a relationship with them. I forget how a lot of it feels! :) That said, although I don't really want a long term partner anyway, I like the idea of being able to get to know someone over a long time as friends, then trying a relationship if we both felt like we wanted to. That seems a much healthier and realistic basis for starting a relationship with someone. But I just don't gravitate towards men for friendship, and I find it hard getting really attached to most people, even those I've known for years. So if I really did want a boyfriend I'm kinda screwed xD 

I'd prefer to be single/alone as long as I could support myself when I'm not living with my parents any more, even then I could always find a room mate if I were struggling financially, rather than try and find a romantic partner.

I think it's kind of silly that people think long term relationships have to be romantic, but I guess it 'sells' just like sex does? I feel people are generally becoming a bit brainwashed or are developing tunnel vision when it comes to relationships anyway. I think what you choose to do to make/keep things working is important as well; those things can be practical rather than emotional. People should be allowed to do what works for them, rather than try and fit some social narrative anyway, as long as it's consensual and legal. IMHO romance is a feeling (often misguided), love is more a choice or an action, which can be inspired by romance but doesn't have to be.

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On 06 May 2017 at 3:23 PM, Ice Queen said:

They think of love as a flame that must be kept burning, I regard it as an unshakable wall which was patiently built brick by brick over time.

This... so much this. I really don't understand how people can just suddenly stop loving a person that they (supposedly) loved for many years. Makes me think they never really did... does not compute. Although if they were 'underwater' and delusional like the rest of your list suggests, then yeah... I guess that explains it. Still, very scary.

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37 minutes ago, SoulWolf said:

This... so much this. I really don't understand how people can just suddenly stop loving a person that they (supposedly) loved for many years. Makes me think they never really did... does not compute. Although if they were 'underwater' and delusional like the rest of your list suggests, then yeah... I guess that explains it. Still, very scary.

Error 404 xD. 

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The idea that your only primary life partnership should be romantic is actually a very new one. Allos have been falling in love since the dawn of humanity, but they've been forming strong platonic bonds too. It's only in the past hundred years or so that platonic relationships have been so devalued.   

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9 hours ago, Ettina said:

The idea that your only primary life partnership should be romantic is actually a very new one. Allos have been falling in love since the dawn of humanity, but they've been forming strong platonic bonds too. It's only in the past hundred years or so that platonic relationships have been so devalued.   

Fuck you, media, fuck you. 

#pardonmyFrench xD.

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.....

 

giphy.gif

 

tenor.gif

 

giphy.gif      (# no romo though) 

 

.... You're really someone else, I had to express my feelings about your pamphlet in the form of gifs... Again.

No, really, I was nodding like the silly person that I am throughout the entire reading. It describes just right about the things that I generally thinks about alloromantic's relationships and what I want in a relationship as an aromantic.

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On 06/05/2017 at 2:23 PM, Ice Queen said:

I am going to highlight some differences between how I feel about a potential partner and how alloromantics generally feel. 

 

They fell in love "against their will", I came to love the person because we became best friends beforehand and because I feel at ease around them and trust them.

They think of love as a flame that must be kept burning, I regard it as an unshakable wall which was patiently built brick by brick over time.

They feel high and euphoric, I feel comfortable, safe and warm.

They see the person as perfection incarnate, I see them as they are and accept them because we're friends, right?

(Easier: They see the person as perfect, I see the person as extraordinary.)

They are swept away and overwhelmed by what they feel, I feel to a very intense degree, but am lucid.

They found a reason to stay alive, I found a gift that makes my life more beautiful. 

They have their head underwater, I am afloat.

Very good points!

 

1) Same :)

2) Isn't it so sad that they think love is like something that can be easily doused/put-out by external factors? I feel love for many people/animals and like you, it's a sort of bond that builds over time and strengthens in doing do. I have friends who I once loved very much, we haven't spoken in years but the love is still there, regardless. It would take more than a strong gust of wind to blow it out.

3) Same

4) I prefer flawed beings. They seem more real to me and I think loving someones flaws is far greater than loving perfection. :arolove:

5) I do sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by how much I love people/animals, but then I cry at facebook videos so, y'know :rofl:

6) Exactly!

7) I find love lifts me up, rather than smothers me

 

Side note- @sarcastic kitten Your GIF answers make me so happy :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

*squees* Oh, gosh, all you people! ^__^ How lovely it is to stumble into a bunch of people who think these things I have thought for years that none seemed to understand! How freeing to hear (read) some of you talking about relationships that actually make sense to me that remain within the romantic orientation that I identify with!

I sometimes felt I would be somewhat of an outcast in this community for what I saw as "falling in love". See, I've always just assumed that what allos do is 99% infatuation mistaken for romance due to media representation, and that what I thought made sense was just something forgotten by our culture. But, apparently, what I think of as love is just what those like us see. :) 

Yes, I must agree that the way that allos fall out of love is concerning. :/ Honestly, it's one of the many reasons I could never consider a romantic relationship. A stable friendship that will last a lifetime suddenly becomes endangered by... whatever it is that messes up otherwise working relationships? Like, I swear, sometimes romantic relationships seem to fall apart for no reason, and it's always horribly painful for the people, and I don't get it! It makes me worry over one of my best friends, because he's got a girlfriend, and he and she are both great people, but somehow being good people who love each other isn't always enough? And I'm just really worried that it's going to fall apart like they sometimes do and that he'll be hurt.

*whispers* Allos are terrifying.

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8 hours ago, Dragonheart said:

*squees* Oh, gosh, all you people! ^__^ How lovely it is to stumble into a bunch of people who think these things I have thought for years that none seemed to understand! How freeing to hear (read) some of you talking about relationships that actually make sense to me that remain within the romantic orientation that I identify with!

I sometimes felt I would be somewhat of an outcast in this community for what I saw as "falling in love". See, I've always just assumed that what allos do is 99% infatuation mistaken for romance due to media representation, and that what I thought made sense was just something forgotten by our culture. But, apparently, what I think of as love is just what those like us see. :) 

Yes, I must agree that the way that allos fall out of love is concerning. :/ Honestly, it's one of the many reasons I could never consider a romantic relationship. A stable friendship that will last a lifetime suddenly becomes endangered by... whatever it is that messes up otherwise working relationships? Like, I swear, sometimes romantic relationships seem to fall apart for no reason, and it's always horribly painful for the people, and I don't get it! It makes me worry over one of my best friends, because he's got a girlfriend, and he and she are both great people, but somehow being good people who love each other isn't always enough? And I'm just really worried that it's going to fall apart like they sometimes do and that he'll be hurt.

*whispers* Allos are terrifying.

It seems like romantic attraction is the major criteria allos pick their partner according to. As an aromantic, the reason is completely foreign to me o.O. 

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